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Originally posted by: Cheryle Gardiner
Roger G, I don't think anyone will castrate you! And I'm glad you're taking good care of your wife and understand the "better or worse" part so well. She's lucky to have you.
However, regardless of specific individuals, there are an awful lot of women on this board who may not have been treated so well over the years by their husbands, and who know in their hearts that if the roles were reversed their husbands may well choose to not care for them. I'm sorry to say that you are likely an anomaly for my generation (I'm a baby boomer, don't know about you), and for women who have lived with an autocratic husband for many years, it's harder when you can't argue back.
I can tell you that, in the years I worked for hospice, husbands who stuck around and/or assisted with the care of terminally ill wives were few and far between. On the other hand, there were many EX-wives who came back to care for terminally ill men, often because their children asked them to.
It's a sad commentary on society, but it's all too often sadly true. Be glad you are who you are, but don't be too quick to judge others when you don't know the back story.
Blessings to you and Phyllis. She's a lucky lady!
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Originally posted by: dayn2nite
Not that my opinion matters much, but I have made the same observation.
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Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
I will probably be castrated for this but why when reading the forum does it seem that the wives are usually complaining about all the do for their spouses and the husbands seem to always want to do more and wish there was more that they could do.
As a husband I guess I am in the minority up here but it just seems that a lot of the wives really seem put out that they have to care for the husbands.
Yes, it is a hard road. My love for my wife is such that I would not change what we had. Yes, when we got married my wife had AD. She was diagonosed 4 months after our wedding day.
Tuesday will be out 9th anniversary. Would I change it, Yeah, I would have a cure. Would I have not married my wife if I had known? you bet I would. I do not regret on moment of our life so far. do I get pissed?.....yep....but I still love her more and more every day.
She is now completely bed ridden, Can not talk, does not recognize me 99% of the time. Needs my help for everything from feeding to changing to cleaning. Does it upset me. Yes, does she upset me. Hell no.
This is the lady I love and married. For better or worse......no matter what.
Well, guess that is my rant. Just and observation.
Phyllis and Roger
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Originally posted by: nhenneberry
roger..I am new to all of this.my husband of 58 years has alzheimers..he NEVER raised his voice to me in 58 years.it breaks my heart when he tells me to leave and never come back (he is in a nursing home)I leave but show up the next day and by then he has forgtten it.I don't know what stage he is in,,,but is going downhill very quickly.
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Originally posted by: Linda Dianne
Roger I am so glad that there is guys like you that takes care of your wife with so much love.
I have been married to my husband for almost 32 years and I love him with all my heart&soul and will do everything I can for him till the good Lord calls him home. But I do not think there is anything wrong with us women that has to speak out on our feeling on what we are going throught with our husbands. That dose not mean that we love then any less. It is just so hard to see them going throught this and we know that there is not a thing we can do about it. At least we are not taking it out on them. God knows we need each other to see that we are not in this alone. I was raised by a mother that always told us that the man is the strong one and that we need to lean on our husband when you get married. Well with this alz that takes way my strong huband that I have had all these years. And it hurts so bad to see him this way. So I feel my venting to other is a way that will keep me strong and that with all the other people help I will be able to keep my cool. I am one of many that I know of that dose not have many family or friends to help me out. This 24/7 care is not good on anybody. I Thank the good Lord he sent me here to find all the good people here that has helped me so many times.
May God bless you for being such a great husband.
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
Cheryle,
this is my 2nd marriage. I am 13 years older than my present wife. My first marriage did not succeed. and she also has AD. My present wife and her became good friends till AD made it impossible for them to relate anylonger.
I have always considered a marriage to be a partnership between two people. That is what I tried to do in my first marriage. Did not work out., And hell my 2nd was a complete partnership till AD entered the picture.
I am not 2nd guessing but just from reading the posts I have never seen so much negative thoughts in a realtionship. It really is sad.
So many marriages that have become a living hell and then when AD enters the picture....wow.....so many people so sad and distraught. I am only saddened by what my wife has lost. I do not count. She does and she has lost so much.
Thanks for your response. I feel it was well thought out and a good answer to my observations.
Phyllis and Roger
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Originally posted by: Kay J
I wonder if what you see as complaining is more what women see as venting or looking for help??? I truly don't know. It's just a thought.
And I agree with those who say it is hard to care for a spouse when it was not a good marriage to begin with.
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Originally posted by: lurk
Roger, you know how much I love, appreciate and respect you and your attitude about caring for your wife (cuz I've told you). I'm thinking that part of it is that men are a minority on the board, and men are often the strong, silent types. Certainly more women would complain because there are more women.
I agree that the impatience and negativity are often a result of a poor marriage relationship before AD. I'm not a baby boomer, but of the generation when the man was king of the world so ours was a lopsided relationship. But I don't think that comes out in our relationsip now as we're way past that. It's just frustration about everything.
Think about my demographics observation. And yes, you and certain others guys here are a minority in your willingness to love and care for your wives. The majority probably don't confide.
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Originally posted by: k mason
The fact is more women/wives tend to stick around when there husbands get stricken with the various forms of dementia. My FTD stricken wife is now in a NH & I visit daily & Iv'e lost count of the number of times Iv'e been told most husbands would'nt stick around, Iv'e heard the same thing at group counceling & from friends. Women have for centuries had to clean up after the men in their lives, from childhood to dotage & the fact that there's a few good men out there doesn't alter that fact. Is it just me or has anyone else noticed Roger has a habit of attacking people?
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Originally posted by: Mommall4
Roger
I am certainly glad that your wife has such a compassionate man. I don't think that we as women are complaining about our husbands, but the disease that has taken them away from us. My partner of seventeen years is in stage 6, he has thrown chicken, eyeglasses, shoes and pillows at me, has called me horrible names, has embarrassed me beyond belief in restaurants, shopping malls, and even on a airplane, but still every night I get in bed and thank the Lord that he is still here. I forgive him and myself for whatever happens during the day because I know it is the disease that is making him do the things he does, but it is my anger at the disease that makes me react the way I do.
Do I want to complain, yes I do, why here because I can without anyone getting upset at me and understanding how frustrated it can be to see the person you love dying of a unspeakable disease.
As a women I am suppose to know how to fix the boo boos that come with life, but I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to protect him and me from what might come next.
My guy is 79, and I am 61, before we met he had a wife that was in a wheelchair that he took care of until she passed away, now it is my turn to do the same, but I am angry because I thought this would be the time of my life I could go out to lunch and play golf and do the fun things that older couples get to do, but I can't, I have to miss parties, and picnics and my class reunion, because I choose to take care of him. I know that in the long run it will be worth it because on the few days when I see a glimmer of the real man I met, and fell in love with, it is filled with such joy that I can hardly stand it.
This is the first time I posted, I am sorry that it is so long.
I also lost my 32 year old daughter three years ago and my home last month. So you see sometimes it is more than just the disease
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Originally posted by: Snorky
We should not get caught up in people and their negative thoughts, because that's what AD does to us. Women are known to have to "vent" more than men but that's the way the Good Lord created us. Men are better at keeping their emotions in tact and looking at things more in a logical way. Neither way is wrong, just different.
I love my husband as much as I ever have and feel so much compassion for him. I guess you could call that positive but I don't see anything positive about his life or mine at this point. I still have him here but he doesn't know me, our kids or anything about his life or our life. He is simply existing and living in a NH alone and it breaks my heart every day. We have had 52 wonderful years, traveled a lot, have 3 wonderful, caring children and supportive friends. That's positive! He's 78 and I'm 72.
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Originally posted by: So Sad
Roger,
I have to admit I come here when I am upset, I think alot of that is due to the fact I feel like I cannot get upset, mad, cry, or anything else around my husband anymore. I feel so emotionless since I try not to get him upset, sometimes it is hard to hold it all in, so I trust my friends here on the forums to get me through the hard times.
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Originally posted by: Linda Dianne
Roger
I still love you. It hit me wrong this morning.
May God watch over you and your wife. Your sis Linda Dianne God please help us all in this disease we see our love ones go through and give us the strengt to get through each day. I thank you ahead of time for answers to our prays. Amen
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Originally posted by: Snorky
maybe that is his way of venting since he is so good to his wife. I think each of has to get the thoughts we have during this disease out and that's why this is such a great place to come. There should be no criticism of how someone is sharing their thoughts here. This is the place to come and share what we are feeling or how to handle a certain situation and get advise, not criticize each other. WE get enough of that!
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Originally posted by: jfkoc
I have NEVER felt you were attacking anyone, Roger.
That said I think it is probalbly true that we women gritch aroung more...I think we also share happy moments more...I think it is true we talk more period. Very generally speaking I think women are more apt than men to let stuff out. I believe we do try as hard and that the bottom line is the same. Save room for me in the stocks.
Perhaps the attempt at starting a men only category was to speak more openly...man to man.
Anyway, I appreciate your comment and while there is probably truth to it there are also a lot of variables in the equation.
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Originally posted by: dayn2nite
Wow, I've been here a while and I've never noticed that Roger has "a habit of attacking people."
Just like many of these posts state a woman has a right to "vent", I think Roger should be allowed to make whatever observations he wants to. It's a public board.
FYI, in the past there have been many caregivers (spouses and other relatives) who post sounding like they really dislike caregiving. And that is okay, but then they absolutely refuse to let anyone else take care of their LO - it baffles me.
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
Linda Dianne,
Nothing you said was wrong. I thank you for responding and putting another aspect to this crap we have to deal with.
Phyllis and Roger
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Mommall4:
My partner of seventeen years is in stage 6, he has thrown chicken, eyeglasses, shoes and pillows at me, has called me horrible names, has embarrassed me beyond belief in restaurants, shopping malls, and even on a airplane, quote.
Momma, I had the same things happen to me. One time we were sitting at our favorite bar. There was a guy who we did not know sitting next to Phyllis. She started eating the french fries off of his plate. I apologized and he said do not worry. Does not bother him. He knew from he conversation she had AD. I paid for his lunch. Phyllis destroyed the house and I had to remove anything movable. Now she is completely bed ridden. Cannot stretch out her legs. Cannot talk. I think I would take those periods of rage back now. Now I would know how to handle them. At the time it was new and I did not know what to do.
Yet, once in a while, she will give me a kiss when I ask. And yes, I ask many many times a day as I bend over her in the bed and kiss her. Maybe once a day there will be a little response.
To all of you, what great response to my post. I guess I was mostly commenting on the posts where the marriage was not good to begin with and now this just makes it so much worse. I am so glad that I have not been in that position with my wife.
For information I am 73 and my wife is 59. And after reading your posts I wonder how I would have been with my first wife. Not a good marriage and now she has AD. I am lucky in that my daughter is taking care of her.
Before my present wife got real bad she would help my first wife deal with the diagnosis. They became very good friends until this disease made it impossible for them to interrelate.
I was not attacking anybody. It was an observation which really makes me sad. I read so much bitterness in some of the posts. But so much positive and love from the comments posted to my response. Thank all of you for your support. We all need it in different ways.
And I to hate this disease. To what it does to the person afflicted and what it does to the caretaker. I think sometime it hurts and destroys the caretaker more than the afflicted. No matter what it destroys all it touches.
Well, guess that is my rant for the day.
We still have now power here from the hurricane. I do have a generator so I can keep the air mattress for Phyllis full and the fridge running. And of course the computer.....lol
Please have the best day possible. Our love to all of you.
Phyllis and Roger
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Originally posted by: Jim Broede
Ain't love wonderful? --Jim
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
quote: Originally posted by juneann:
I was just wondering do you take care of your wife by yourself or do you have help?
SO I am wondering how much help does other out there get? Do you take your spouse with you everyplace?
Maybe you get away a lot of the time so you can cope more. Every hour every minute every dat does take a toll. I get on here to help me cope.
I took care of my wife by myself for the first 5 years. Then she started getting rages and her daughter helped me with them. I did get so stressed that at one point I placed my wife in an assisted care facility. So I could get 30 days respite. I only actually got a week which was OK. However for me that was the worse thing I could have done. She went downhill very much. I think by doing that she felt deserted. I will never do that again no matter what. When I brought her home I had home care several hours a day. I still was not mentally able to handle full time care again yet. Then one night my wife fell and broke her pelvis. Ever since then she has been in the bed and her recliner. However for the past several months she has become bed ridden. And I have been cutting back on the homecare more and more. In October I am cutting it in half. Due more to finances as homecare is very expensive.
I do have her daughter who will come and stay with her Mom so I can get away every now and then.
I also have a friend in Texas who has been the sole caretaker for his wife now for I think about 9 years. He takes her everywhere he goes. He does everything for her from feeding to cleaning. He does it all. And as you loves his wife more than anything. And as you he gets very tired and frustrated. Full time care is snot easy and takes it toll on the caretaker.
And yes, I took my wife everywhere I went till she became bed ridden. But then, we always went everywhere together.
Your hubby is a very lucky person to have someone such as you to love and care for him. As you have seen here there are some who are not as loved and cared for as you do your DH.
Yes, you do need a place to vent and this is a good place. I think in my post is was meaning more of complaining. Not venting. I think there is a difference. And then I could be completely wrong in that assumption. Then we all know what assume spells and means.
Phyllis and Roger
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Originally posted by: juneann
I was just wondering do you take care of your wife by yourself or do you have help?
My husband has had this AD for 6 years and I have no help taking care of him. We have been married 59 years and I only vent so I can get thru the next day. I do love him and he is the love of my life. He loves me too and tells me about 1000 times a day. I still get upset at the illness not him but I get so upset at times I can't stand it. I have only left him 3 times for 3 hours at at time in these 6 years. I take him everyplace.
SO I am wondering how much help does other out there get? Do you take your spouse with you everyplace?
Maybe you get away a lot of the time so you can cope more. Every hour every minute every dat does take a toll. I get on here to help me cope.
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Originally posted by: MARY BETH FOGG
Hi,
You are wonderful to be taking such patient care of your wife.
I have never regretted for one minute that I had to start taking care of my husband with as soon as I retired. He is the center of my life. He was a sweet and sensible man when I married him twenty-five years ago, and he still is. I will never put him in a rat hole of a nursing home. I will take care of him until the end.
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Originally posted by: RevSasha
Roger,
You are a loving example of someone who takes care of their loved one with respect and grace. You strengthen all of us. My DH and I have been married 22 years and I endeavor to find blessings every day by participating as his caregiver. Most days I can see it as an honor and a sacred work. I'm glad to hear others express the same feelings.
I believe that the only reason we don't hear from the men is that by and large men are not good at expressing their feelings. Men are often reluctant to ask for help. Scott M. Peck said in The Road Less Traveled that we are a nation of rugged individualists. This applies to women as well, but I suspect more to men.
I know God is looking down upon you, saying, "well done, good and faithful servant." A friend of mine often reminds me that there is a special place in God's heart for us.
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Originally posted by: Snorky
quote: Originally posted by Snorky:
Please don't assume that because someone puts their loved one in a NH that the spouse isn't loved. There are many conditions that prompt placing one's spouse and that doesn't mean we love them any less. I did have to place my DH who is loved as much as anyone could be and has been for 52 years, but he is a lot stronger than I am and when he got to hitting me (which he never, ever would have done in normal times) I had no choice. I would have him here with me and take care of him at home if it wasn't for that as this is a very lonely life.
I forgot to mention he is in a wheelchair now, can't walk or hardly stand, has to be fed most of the time and is in diapers.
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Originally posted by: Snorky
Please don't assume that because someone puts their loved one in a NH that the spouse isn't loved. There are many conditions that prompt placing one's spouse and that doesn't mean we love them any less. I did have to place my DH who is loved as much as anyone could be and has been for 52 years, but he is a lot stronger than I am and when he got to hitting me (which he never, ever would have done in normal times) I had no choice. I would have him here with me and take care of him at home if it wasn't for that as this is a very lonely life.
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Originally posted by: juneann
Like you I can't think of putting him in a nursing home. I think it would be the end of him. Why put him there when I would have to be there most of the time cause I would feel so guilty putting him there. I'm glad you have help. I wish I had more visits but friends have disappeared. I know it must cost a lot for home care. I can still do things for him but it is getting harder. Isn't her being in bed take more care. They say it takes 2 people to handle a person in bed. I'm not looking froward to that day at all. I'm sorry about her falling. Mine did fall a lot but we were lucky that he didn't break anything. I hope he doesn't fall and get hurt.
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Originally posted by: Cheryle Gardiner
Jim hasn't hit me, but he did take a swing at his son - also very unheard of for him!
My problem is that I can't leave him alone and he refuses to go in the car with me. He says he'll go places again when he can drive! Or he threatens to walk to the store (2 miles, steep hill). He will go to see the kids and grandkids, but otherwise it's pretty much "no."
His son takes him for a few hours on the weekend so I can at least go grocery shopping, but he's up and down during the night, so I'm exhausted. I'm just waiting to hear from the VA about having someone come to the house a couple of days a week.
I had hip replacement surgery the day after Jim had the strokes (April 29) and I've not had one full day since then to take care of me. I'm healing fine, but I know it isn't healthy for me. And, as much as I would hate to do it, if I could get him to agree to testing, they'd put him in a NH and I'd jump at the chance. It doesn't mean I don't love him - I do - but he has a lot of other issues and really needs skilled care.
I'm working on all of it; in the meantime, this board is a lifeline.
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Originally posted by: Nipper
Roger, you have opened my eyes. I come here because I have no where else to go for support. I guess I vent, complain and do whatever I need at the time I am here. I like many of you, love my husband beyond even my imagination. I am so frustrated with this desease that it must sound like complaining most of the time. I will continue to come to this site as I have learned so many things and you are ALL so helpful all the time. So many ideas and careing.
Your wife is truly lucky to have you, and I will honestly do my best to be better at this caregiving thing.
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
Juneann,
I have a feeling that a guy who weighs more and is bigger than my Phyllis could be a handful in bed.
I am able to handle Phyllis by myself so far. Also the homecare gals do not have a real problem. My wife as Snorky's hubby is now completely bed ridden. I have to do everything for her, feed, change, wash, wipe and on and on.
I am lucky that at 73 I am in good physical shape. still fairly strong. Minimal health problems and can for now do all of this.
If something happens to me I do not know what I will do. Guess it is all the rum n cokes I have had over the years. Keeps me young.
I do have hospice for now and that also helps. And I have a great doctor that Phyllis used to work with when she was a RN. He makes house calls.
Yet, no matter what it still is a hard road, both physically and mentally.
Our love to all of the caretakers out there.
Phyllis and Roger
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
Snorky,
Hi, please do not take my statement about a NH as bad. It just was a bad decision for me and my wife. There are so many different aspects to this caretaking stuff. I especially think that in most cases you gals out there probably really need to have that option. Especially if the hubby is aggressive or angry. Also, sometimes the guy is just to big for you to be able to handle at home.
I did not mean to infer that a NH is a bad thing. Just that in my case I should not have done that. I was just so stressed and tired that at that moment I thought it would be best. Now looking back on it and now knowing other options I would have done different. Does not mean that the decision to do such is wrong for everyone else.
And Snorky, I know how lonely it must now be for you. I really do not know what I will do when Phyllis leaves me for heaven. Hell, at times now I am lonely even with her here with me.
I hug and kiss her many many times. Yet, she is in another world. A world that I have no idea what is. Except for also being on the face book Page of Memory People and reading the posts of those that have AD......it really opens you eyes as to what our loved ones went through and are going through.
I am sorry if I upset you Snorky. No intention was meant. Again, just a bad decision for me.
Phyllis and Roger
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Originally posted by: JAB
Goodness ... one thing your thread did was bring out the lurkers, Roger!
MommaII4, nhenneberry, Mary Beth Fogg ... Hi!!! Welcome to the forum.
Mostly, we're really nice folks, no matter what Roger says. 
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Originally posted by: JAB
Roger, luv, I suspect partly lurk and Cheryle have identified many of the reasons for any apparent differences, partly it's that old Mars/Venus thing, and partly ... you simply notice the complaints more because they grate more on your nerves. Salt in the wound, as it were.
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
JAB,
Sam and I were talking. I think it did get some people thinking and a lot of good responses.
I guess you are right about "salt in the wound".
I have noticed the responses are from all of the ones who love the ones they are caring for. No question about that.
And is great to see new names sprout up.
"Mostly, we're really nice folks, no matter what Roger says."
Not to sure about that comment 
Phyllis and Roger
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