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Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463
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Originally posted by: MBrooks
I'm new here and this is my first post. My 65 year old husband has been disgnosed with mild dementia. Lately, he wants to control everything I do. He doesn't want me to associate with any friends, is argumentative, and has no patience with me. For instance, I play cards once a month with a group of ladies who live in our condo. I am only gone for a couple of hours. When I come home, he makes me feel like a criminal for associating with strangers. He will instigate an argument and I end of crying which makes him angry. He is not physically violent but can certainly throw out some verbal. Thanks for listening...I just needed to vent.
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Originally posted by: Dorinne
MBrooks,
Welcome, it is perfectly fine to vent here, I do it also.
I am sort of new here but it is a wonderful forum for venting, asking questions, educating, crying, laughing, and most of all learning about the alzheimers and dementia journey. We are all going through this journey together.
The more experienced here will help answer any questions you may have.
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Originally posted by: Jim Broede
My guess is that if he's in the early stages of dementia, he's well aware of it. That something is wrong. That his mind is fading. And that has him upset. Causing him to lash out at you. I'd try to put his mind at ease. To bolster his confidence. He probably needs reassurance that you'll be with him and help him cope. In his own way, I think he's asking for help. He needs you. More than ever. --Jim
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Originally posted by: JAB
Hi, MBrooks, welcome to the forum.
Skericheri has given you very good advice. Your husband's whole world is changing, and you are the one constant in it. He is undoubtedly very insecure when you're not around. You know how a mother will be hysterical with fear and love when a child is lost ... and then scold the dickens out of the child when found safe and unharmed?
Another thing that factors into it is that our loved ones begin to lose a sense of time. What seems like 15 minutes to you can seem like 15 hours to him.
Take a look at Jennifer Ghent-Fuller's article, "Understanding the Dementia Experience":
http://alzheimers.boomja.com/A...xperience-59731.html
It is very helpful in understanding what's going on in our loved ones' minds.
The very best book I've found on caregiving for an AD patient is "Creating Moments of Joy" by Jolene Brackey. It's great -- full of very practical, simple advice on how to make our ADLOs happy -- and make us happy in the process.
http://www.enhancedmoments.com/
Click on "Products" and scroll down.
The Savvy Caregiver training program is also excellent:
http://www.caresprogram.com
I think you can get a 20% discount with code AADVD20. Or you could ask to join the group of caregivers who are passing the training program DVDs around:
http://alzheimers.infopop.cc/e...14102241/m/506304424
It sounds as if the diagnosis may be pretty recent. You may find the First Steps article helpful, too:
http://alzheimers.boomja.com/C...rst-Steps-61311.html
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Originally posted by: skericheri
MBrooks---Welcome to the forums. We're a diverse group. I doubt if there is any situation that any one could post that someone has not encountered.
Unfortunately, I have no experience with your situation...but...I suspect that your husband is feeling insecure. This could be because he is aware of his diagnosis and/or senses changes in his abilities and feels because of them he is at risk of losing you.
Allowing him to isolate you from your friends is not healthy for you...Everyone needs some me time.
Finding some way to keep him occupied while you are away would an alternative. Perhaps he has a buddy that might arrange to spend time with him while you play cards.
His reasoner is broken...Arguing with his is useless. Try to distract him in some way. Perhaps suggesting an activity that you both enjoy will help.
Good-luck.
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Originally posted by: Snorky
I understand what you're saying. I play golf(in the summer)and he will stand at the garage door with almost tears telling me he doesn't want me to leave. Now he throws it up to me if I'm gone without him for a couple hours but I think, also, that they are afraid of being alone and they don't really understand their feelings of insecurity so they lash out at the closest one which is me. He does the best if I'm sitting in the LR with him for the whole day. Very hard to do. Mine is getting to the point of needing someone here if I leave. So far a movie keeps him happy. Maybe you could just be firm right now and tell him you need time with the girls but also want to be with him most of the time, which you certainly are. Good luck, this is a horrible disease to deal with. The man I live with is not the man I married 51 years ago and the saddest part is, he has no control over himself, which is very hard for us to remember since they look so good and normal.
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Originally posted by: MBrooks
Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions.
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
quote: Originally posted by MBrooks:
I'm new here and this is my first post. My 65 year old husband has been disgnosed with mild dementia. Lately, he wants to control everything I do. He doesn't want me to associate with any friends, is argumentative, and has no patience with me. For instance, I play cards once a month with a group of ladies who live in our condo. I am only gone for a couple of hours. When I come home, he makes me feel like a criminal for associating with strangers. He will instigate an argument and I end of crying which makes him angry. He is not physically violent but can certainly throw out some verbal. Thanks for listening...I just needed to vent.
As others have said, the changes and losses he's experiencing must be very frightening to him.
I remember how frightening it was for me as caregiver, too -- to realize that more and more, the responsibility for our relationship now lay with me. Keep telling yourself "I'm the one who needs to take charge of this situation, and I can do it."
Part of taking charge is remembering that no one can MAKE you feel guilty or like a criminal. It's natural in his situation for him to accuse you of abandoning him, cheating on him, and who knows what else -- because as unhappy as that feels to him, it's not quite as horrible as thinking about how his own thinking and abilities are already being lost -- and will be lost even more in the future.
Reassurance and unconditional love are the answer. How can you offer these when you're so naturally upset by this whole thing yourself? If you already have ways that you center yourself, deal with your feelings and take hold of your life -- then you know what to do.
If you need more ways to help yourself -- by all means seek counseling. Also, study books and articles on how to help your husband (and yourself). It's a huge challenge, but full of learning and personal growth.
If your husband is diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, then he can participate in some study with you. Some areas offer courses for both MCI patient and primary caregiver. As I recall, a book called "The Alzheimer's Action Plan" is also written for both. Others here will have additional recommendations.
"Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" is written by a wife and is quite encouraging. I also heartily recommend John Zeisel's book, "I'm Still Here." It's even more encouraging, especially for relating to someone in early stages such as your husband.
I don't know how to advise you re. going to play cards against your husband's wishes. He might be touched by your offer to stay with him next month. Going or staying probably isn't as important as the basic attitude you take before, during and after -- and the compassion with which you discuss it with him.
My guess is that he's worried that you'll talk about his diagnosis with your friends. It's important to get his permission before telling anyone you both know. A counselor or minister pledged to confidentiality is a different matter.
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