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Help I can't reason with him!!!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: ssalt6

Well, It sounds like it won't be kept in the fridge for awhile. If he becomes ill then perhaps it can be blamed on the dressing, whether it be from it or not, and can be taken care of properly once again. He may eat it quick enough where it won't become an issue. (buy smaller sized bottles?)
Internal Administrator
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463


Originally posted by: Snorky

DH has been so good today and then all of the sudden at lunch he caused all sorts of problems. This sounds so stupid!! He keeps a little tupperware cup full of his favorite salad dressing that he uses to dip veggies and meat(yup)and anything else he can think of to dip in it so it gets thick with "leftovers". He's blaming it being in the refrigerator and won't put it in there anymore. Even the regular bottle. I showed him on the bottle to refrig after opening but he says he knows more. WE had a huge 2 hour "discussion" about it even went to the neighbors to have him tell him it has to be refrigerated but he won't give in. He grabbed it from me, swearing at me(nothing physical)and it's been a huge fight about it. He still won't let me refrig it and he says he knows what is right and he'll do it his way. Please tell me what to do. I know you are not suppose to argue with AD people but how do I deal with this. He has taken it to the basement and is keeping it there. Won't let me have it. At this point I have said he can do all his own cooking and keep his food separate from mine.♠
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Snorky

Maybe it is a issue of dealing with our "wills". I'm not about to approve of keeping it out of the refrig. and he is going to keep it out. He's also wanting to keep his lunch meat ham out as he doesn't like it cold anymore. This is all new. By the way the basement is a walk out and completely finished so like an apt. I've about decided to let him do it. Just seems like I beat my head against the wall with him.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

I like Roger's idea. You could "clean out" and replenish the salad dressing / dip at night, and if it doesn't have egg or mayonnaise in it, leaving it out during the day probably will be safe.

You could hide some of the ham under other stuff in the refrigerator, so only one serving is out at a time.

If food out of the fridge really gets to a danger point, stop getting the things he likes only at room temperature. Just don't buy any more ham, etc. Or maybe agree to heat stuff in the microwave just before he eats it -- 20 seconds or so should bring something from refrigerator temperature to room temperature. (I heat our cat's food after it's been in the fridge. Smiler)

I've gone so far, at times, as to tell my partner that if I can't keep her safe and healthy, "they" won't LET me keep her at home. Which is true. So far, this has always worked; she hears the true desperation in my voice about it.

If stuff is still left out during the day long enough that you think it's dan
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Dorinne

How cold is it in the basement? as cold as the refridgerator? Wink
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner

Snorky,

After he goes to sleep tonight put it all back in the fridge........Let it go for now........And if it happens again just put it in the fridge when he is not looking or around. If he questions it just oops sorry, was used to putting it in the fridge. Will remember next time.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Sandra Lea

Dear Snorky, Oh I can feel your frustration, I've been caring for my husband since 2001. The past 3 months have been awful. Course they told me up front it will progress and get worse. Never better...just some days better than others. I miss those better days. If it isn't dangerous I've learned to ignore alot of stuff my husband insists on doing. And yes I fall right into his complaint forgetting it doesn't matter what I say he insists no one knows anything except him. No salad dressing problem here...and TG he doesn't know how to cook unless you count heating coffee in microwave. I had to use black marker so he knows what button to push. He sure knows how to push my buttons and it has been more than 3 months since he has had anything close to nice to say. Negative and argumentive is daily now. I know not to argue and I also get mad and yell and slam doors. Instead of telling him to do or not do...as for space heater I just continue to reset it without saying aword. Of course HE never touched it...it does that all by itself...94 is not safe and telling him makes no difference. I too get to my wits end which is why I searched out this site. With each other sharing our experiences, we can make it though what can be a toatlly stressful situation. Doctor said my husband may stay in denial till he dies. That doesn't help! Hugs and I'm glad I found this site.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: RHW

I agree with putting it back in the frig. after he goes to bed tonight. He will probably not remember tomorrow.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: JAB

Maybe you could keep a stock of it in the refrigerator in a different container, and only put a little bit at a time in the bottle, so it's always just about to run out?
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Snorky

Thanks for all the ideas. I'll try one at a time and see what happens. He's so apologetic
tonight about how he acted but still won't change his mind on the dressing. I can't believe this is such a small thing to get so out of hand. I'll put some in a small container like he does and then I can change it but it has to be warm. Maybe I could add something sour too that will taste bad. It's Vidalia Onion from Sams and he loves it. Dips everything in it from veggies to meat and even pours it on eggs. Yuck. Big Grin
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: jfkoc

Oh Snorky, you sound like me. We seem to think reasoning works.

My suggestion...make some dressing that looks like his that has ingredients that do not need refrigerating and put it in "his" bottle. If it does not taste quite right it could be because "he would not keep it in the frig"!!!

I had a friend who always bought cheap mustard and transfered it to a French's bottle. No one knew.

Please let us know how this resolves.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: sf

I'd recommend that you put only a small amount in his Tupperware container, just enough for one meal, and discard when he's not around. The problem with leaving it at room temperature is that however stable (microbiologically) the product was designed to be, its now been contaminated with other foods and likely saliva. The chance of a nasty case of food poisoning isn't worth the risk. Just start fresh at each meal. My DH does the same thing with Marie's Blue Cheese dressing. Its a yuk but he will eat anything that's dipped into it.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Neoh

quote:
Originally posted by Snorky:
I'll put some in a small container like he does and then I can change it but it has to be warm.


Just an odd thought - has he had a dental exam recently? Since the issue seems to be warm (with both the dressing and the ham), perhaps it hurts to eat cold things.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: JAB

quote:
Originally posted by Jim Broede:
Don't sweat the small stuff. --Jim

You wouldn't be of the opinion this is "small stuff" if you'd ever had food poisoning.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

Don't sweat the small stuff. --Jim
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: jfkoc

OT...my grandaughter had a little friend who had to dip EVERYTHING in Ranch Dressing. She was given lunch at an other friends house and asked for some "DIP" and explained it was the white stuff. The mother gave her some marshmello topping...the only white dipable thing she had. Worked great!!!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Rkg

Snorky, I have been worried about you, hope things are going better today.

But to answer your opening question about reasoning with him, may I remind you? I know you know this, but I have found that I have to remind myself when things are bad, that you can't reason with him. His reasoning button is broken! Wink

Ok, that out of the way Big Grin . May I suggest putting a small ice chest/cooler in the basement for him to keep a couple of cold drinks and Oh what a great place to put his dip! Of course it won't be fridge cold but will stay cooler. You can minimize the mess of ice by using a couple of the freeze blocks that every night when you change the dressing (Great idea!) you can put in a new freeze block then place to used one in the freezer. Just keep rotating them, which I think during the winter with need less rotation and it should keep the dip reasonably cool.


I know this is frustrating but only to you...... I am sure he's fine with it! Roll Eyes Hang in there my dear!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: JAB

Sandra Lea! Hi, you're new. Welcome to the forum!

Have you discussed this change in behavior with your husband's doctor? There may be something else, other than AD progression, going on. He might be developing a side effect from a med, or some additional physical problem that's causing him pain, etc.

And if the doc cannot find another cause for the behavior, s/he may be able to recommend a med such as a mood stabilizer that would help.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Snorky

today is a new day and after yesterday, a wonderful one!!!!! I don't know if I convinced him about the dressing issue but he knew I was very miffed!! Last night he settled down, apologized many times as he continued to do today and let me put the dressing in the fridge. Hopefully, that issue will go away as other weird issue have and be forgotten. I like the idea of fresh dressing each day as there is residual stuff in his little cup. I was able to get out for 4 hours today to a lunch and it was so good. I put the TV on the western channel and he watched it the whole time I was gone so it worked out. Then when I got home he was absolutely thrilled to see me. Wow, from one day of @#%@ to one of bliss, it's almost more than one can take. Looking back it had to have looked very funny with us each holding on to the dressing bottle and having a tug of war! Thanks to all of you for the suggestions. WE have 2 days of being gone to Dr. so that will take care of him being in a good mood, he likes to go.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: lurk

I am sorry for your (latest) problem, but I can't help but smile as I think about Sheryl. She, apparently, doesn't try to reason with her DH, e.g., not letting him drink all those drinks at the airport, but just lets him do what he wants. Wink He's one happy camper, and she copes, phones ahead, whatever.

No offense, Sheryl. I think you're great. Good luck in resolving your problem, Snorky.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Snorky

I thought things were better and he was going to believe me, but last night and this morning he now wants to leave his veggies that he dips, dressing and ham on the counter. Swears at me when I put it back in the refrigerator. He wants none of his food in the "freezer" he calls it. I put it in and he takes it out.

I don't know how to handle this. It's been going on 3 days now and is a constant yelling match. He keeps saying that Engineers know how to do these things and I don't, cuz they are smart and I'm not.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Mimi S.

Hi Sandrs lee,
Welcome to our Forum. We're so glad you found us.
Your comments have gotten lost among all the other feedback.

Haver you a copy of Creating Moments of Joy by Joline Brackey. Your library might have a copy, but it's a small, inexpensive paper back, well worth the price. All sorts of good ideas.

O yesterday's post someone put down remember PADD

From my Alz support group, use whatever works - PADDD
Patience
Agree
Delay
Distract
Deceive


And if the first thing you try doesn't work, try something else. When you get a winner, use it as long as it lasts.

Let us know what works best for you.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Mimi S.

Snorky, Remember the suggestion that you just put a tiny bit in the bowl. Then let it sit on the counter forever because you will not reuse it.

Some things aren't worth fighting about. His reasoner is broken.

Did you get that book by Joline Brackey, Creating Moments of Joy? I really think it will help do exactly what the title suggests.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Rkg

A lunch size ice chest next to his easy chair!


Every morning pack his veggies, dressing, ham etc in the ice chest with one of those plastic ice blocks and he can take it down to the basement with him.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Snorky

Tonight we just had ice cream and he put it in the microwave cuz it's too cold. So we have graduated to ice cream now. He just brought out the ham and salad dressing and said it is to stay out on the counter tonight or else. I've had it again!! Spoiled another good day!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Pompano

quote:
From my Alz support group, use whatever works - PADDD
Patience
Agree
Delay
Distract
Deceive


Snorky - you are at loggerheads with your husband on the refrigerate issue. Time for "Deceive": Have his doctor write and sign an Order stating that all salad dressing, veggies, ham, meat, eggs, etc. are to be kept in the refrigerator when not in use. Each time the refrigerate issue arises, show him the "Order" from his doctor. His doctor may also be willing to field a few real time phone conversations with your husband. The doctor certainly does not want the patient getting food poisoning. If he grumbles about the Order, you can agree with him about his doctor, while hubby puts the stuff in the refrigerator. If he will not, then you can hold up the Doctor's Order while you put the stuff in the frig. Keep in mind that food poisoning can kill, to give you the strength and conviction to proceed. You are right, and he is not in his right mind. PS - make and keep copies of the Doctor's Order, because he will probably tear some up.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

It sounds as if he really thinks the refrigerator is a freezer. That would explain his vehemence about this.

Try the other suggestions.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: jfkoc

There have been some wonderfully creative suggestions that could be tried. Did none of them work?

Did you have the opportunity to see if the "cold" really was bothering him physically.

Tug of war is NOT working. Try outwitting.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: lurk

Oh, jfkoc, as someone (I think Dorinne) once said to me, "We need to behave!"
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: lurk

I'm about ready to say forget the whole thing and pray fervent prayers to the Lord to bless the mayo and ham that it won't kill him. I'm not even really joking here. It's obviously a power struggle and the only way you will win is to let him win. Somehow!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Rkg

Snorky, Sorry I can't remember if you stated anything about his oral health or if anyone had suggested it, But could he have a impacted tooth? That may explain it.

Also check his mouth for swelling (Dh has had swollen mouth side effect and he has all sorts of issues with texture of foods)
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: jfkoc

Yeah, and somtimes thinking of not "praying over the mayo" seems reasonable!!! LOL
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: JAB

quote:
It does sound as if the cold might be bothering his teeth or mouth. What if you told him you'd just give him warm foods till he can get to a dentist?

He may just have sensitive teeth. Have you tried using Sensodyne toothpaste? It really does work. (Although it does sound like he may have a cavity or other tooth problem.)

As for risking food poisoning ... I've had a very mild case once (calamari at a supposedly upscale restaurant), and I can tell you I most emphatically do NOT not not not NOT want another one. I can't imagine an ADLO going through that ... or what that kind of infection and misery would do to cognitive function. Or the caregiver trying to clean up afterwards, for that matter.

(They do say the good Lord helps those who help themselves.)
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: lurk

Guess you don't know how much faith I have in the Lord. Wink
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:37 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

quote:
Originally posted by lurk:
I'm about ready to say forget the whole thing and pray fervent prayers to the Lord to bless the mayo and ham that it won't kill him. I'm not even really joking here. It's obviously a power struggle and the only way you will win is to let him win. Somehow!


Or let him believe he's winning. Can't cross a certain line when it comes to health and safety, though -- or the caregiver is no longer in a position to be a credible caregiver. We can get into situations of criminal neglect, etc. if it comes to something like food poisoning.
 
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