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Stage8--a few thoughts
Internal Administrator
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:41 PM
Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463


Originally posted by: madamme

Over on the other forums we often referred to stage 1-7 of Alz. Caught up in the disease, we focus on them and what they mean as we traveled the path with those we cared for. They (stages)over lap and meld, these signposts on the path leading us and those we love on a journey through valleys and forests, and all sorts of stange places until that road ends.
Then, the road splits off, and we begin what I have come to name in my mind Stage 8. This stage, as with the others is different for each of us and where I realize I am now..This stage changes over time..but I realize now..it doesn't end.
For me it it began with keeping myself busy, constantly on the move..doing, stuff. I refer to it as shark mode, as long as I was constantly "doing" I would keep breathing, and not stop, and I didn't have to really deal with anything. That part of the stage lasted for well over 9 months, keeping myself busy with projects, listening to people tell me what I "should" be doing, how I "should" be getting on with things, what I "should" have done..a constant drone ..I have come to detest that word..Somehow I managed to get through the holidays. All the while I was numb.....and tryi to walk a path that was jumbled and strewn with debris..and trying not to trip and fall..
Things changed slowly and by the time of the year Anniversary of Mum's passing cme I was no longer as numb. What the time taught me was that people don't change, and those that were never there before, well...they weren't going to be there now. That Those that wouldn't listen before, they couldn't hear any better, and that grief changes you completely.
The inertia that had taken over has sowly ebbed, and at time I feel as if I have awakened from a long dark sleep..
Stage8 is the longest stage.cos it lasts..well in a sense forever...it changes in color, and dimension and terrain.. we walk it
without the companionship of those we loved and cared for...
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}-M
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:41 PM
Originally posted by: Moms Loving Daughter

quote:
scussion

Oh Madamme, you've done it! You've absolutely nailed where I am right now....hmmmmm Stage 8....I too am like a whirlwind.....trying to keep very busy.....buzzing around like a little bee...think I'm driving my hubby a bit nuts.....we both retired out in 2007, for me, mostly to be able to care for my Mom better....and now, since she past away nearly two months ago....and most everything has been done and finalized with her paperwork....I am grasping for things to keep me busy.....I have just decided that I am going to try to get my life back and try going back to work...at least part time.....hopefully that will help me burn off some of this nervous energy. Thats one thing I have noticed is my nerves are shot after dealing with everything with Mom for so many years....I am a bit of a wreck....so if I can get them back under control I think I can start calming down both inside and outside of myself.....I have heard of a few things to try, green tea, SAM E supplements, and Vitamin B, but not sure if these will really help or not....any ideas of what has worked for anyone else would be greatly appreciated.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:41 PM
Originally posted by: sanjosepat

I am almost 2 years into stage 8. I was a caregiver for so long I think I just ran on nervous energy. During the first year as I started to relax I got seriously ill twice, asthma, pneumonia and out of control diabetes.

Now 22 months into stage 8, I am finally able to relax and begin enjoying life again. I just retuned from af 2 1/2 month road trip through Canada and north eastern US.

I lost all my old friends during my partner's illness, but I have made new friends at a social center I attend twice weekly and my new friends have been very supportive during the past 22 months.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:41 PM
Originally posted by: Steph7

You have eloquently expressed what most of us have felt, or are still feeling. Never thought of grief as stage 8, but it is a stage and we do have to walk it. I don't give much credence to numerology, but the number eight represents new beginnings. In this case, it is fitting. What you wrote in you last paragraph sums up what I need to come to terms with and accept. Thank you for sharing your thoughts
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:41 PM
Originally posted by: sanjosepat

quote:
Originally posted by SadinHeart:
I am thinking of buying a small cake for his birth day. Frowner I hope he will be sharing it with me spiritually.


Buy the cake, I think he will be sharing it with you spiritually.

This year on my partner's birthday, I bought flowers and cooked her favorite meal, something I always did before her death.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:41 PM
Originally posted by: SadinHeart

I too got tired of people telling me to move on and worst of all is when they explain to you that the person lived a good life. Since my father passed on 4/19/11, I have been caring for my mom who is now also with AD, so I just move along and do what needs to be done. I feel like a robot sometimes, but my dad is always on my mind. I keep asking where could he be? Can he see us? What is he feeling?

Very hard to just let go. How? I just cannot believe that he just stopped existing. I made the decision to travel and see as much of the world as I can. I feared flying, even making reservations would give me anxiety, now, I dont care. I just dont care.

Father's Day was so hard for me. Next week is his birth day. Then comes Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know I have to keep going because I have to be there for my son, my husband, my mom... but where is dad? He wont be with us anymore to celebrate.

I am thinking of buying a small cake for his birth day. Frowner I hope he will be sharing it with me spiritually.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 5:41 PM
Originally posted by: madamme

MLD, Pat and Steph- glad that you all understand what I am saying ..
I have struggled with putting it into words for the longest time, cos what I experienced with Mum was not understood by a lot of people around me. "Friends" and family kept telling me what Alz and Dementia were all about(even tho they had no experience with it), or would not talk about it at all.
One of the largest aspects of Stage 8 for me has been Acceptance and with that, Letting Go, of pain of,of relationships, either family or friends. With acceptance it is the acknowledgement that Mum is really gone..in the physical sense...for a long time a part of me wanted to think that she was just away on a trip without me...and that people really are what they are..and what they were before doesn't change.
The Letting Go comes with that acceptance. Knowing in my heart that releasing that pain is also Letting Go of those realtionships...because they do me no good, and for too long I had adapted myself to the expectations of those relationships for her sake and I no longer need to do that....
Part of the first year of stage 8 for me was filled as I said with keeping busy, projects, movement, trying to do the "Shoulds" (I realize now is why I didn't get a lot done, I don't like doing stuff just cos I "should") things which only one person offered to help with.....then inertia struck..I would begin a project, and then stop..and start again days later..I have many things uncompleted..but the inertia has been lifting and I know I am almost at the point I can tackle them again. Its taken me all this time to be able to pick up a book and read for enjoyment again... to start to do things that I like..because they fill some part of me that is coming back to life...I am finding my way again....slowly....on my terms, not anyone elses. {{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}-M
 
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