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Originally posted by: RHW
It is fine to vent! It sounds like you really need it. Maybe he could go and stay with DD for at least a few days and give you a break. It sounds like she lives close if she wants to be called when he gets upset. I would take advantage of her offer!
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
Ditto re fine to vent!
From an outsider's point of view -- you and DD make a great team. You each can help him in different ways. Isn't that a good thing? Think about this.
I'd cut him a lot of slack because of the pneumonia as well as the dementia.
If he doesn't believe something you say, try backing off. "Oh, maybe I don't remember that right. Sorry. How about a snack?"
(I've never forgotten the wife whose AD husband threatened her with an axe, saying he was going to kill her. She smiled at him and said "Let's have lunch first." "Oh, OK." Situation defused.)
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Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463
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Originally posted by: jan9231
I'm at wits end. We were out today. He has been home from the hospital with pnemonia 2 1/2 weeks. This afternoon, he started asking questions and would not trust any of my answers. I tried to change the subject - to no avail. He wanted to know who was cooking dinner last night while he was doing the dishes. I explained that it was me - his wife - Jan. I tried our nickname for me to no avail. He just got angrier and angrier. He wanted to call our daughter. I spent 2 hours trying to diffuse the situation with no results. So I dialed my daughter and he asked her to come over because there were strangers in the house. I was soooooooo upset that I chose to leave the home before my daughter came over. I could not listen to him believe her and not me, again. When he sees her he gets very calm.
I left a message where I would be and that I would be home in an hour. While she was there, he wanted to know where momma was. I just can't handle that anymore. He want her when he is confused;but wants ONLY me when he needs a shave, shower, needs clean diapers (he is still slightly incontinent since the pneumonia) Wants food, change his clothes, etc.
Just don't understand why he will not believe me. Today, I told both of them that he can go and live with her and see what life is really like. I have had it today. I'm tired, depressed and feed abused by him verbally.
Not sure that I can continue to do this. She, DD, wants me to call her every time he has an episode so that she can calm him down.
I've had it. She can do it 24-7 like me and then talk to me after 3 months. Sorry, just needed to vent.
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Originally posted by: jan9231
I went for a long walk and had my friend stay with DH. I had a total melt down on my walk and after a good long cry and pity party, I'm ready for the next step in our lives. Just realized that DD will not be a safe source for me.
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Originally posted by: clo
Hey, Can I get in on the venting also. Update, I am the one who was dumped by the so called fiance and am now the caretaker of his sister, but am just grateful for the time being I have a room and food.
The SISTER, to give her a name, has suddenly in the past 3 days decided that I am out to get (u know- sex) from her husband 78 and son 49. Yuck. Not even gonna think about it but sure do get tired of her going into the bedroom and yelling at her poor husband and he just takes it and takes it and takes it. The son has retreated to his bedroom, shuts the door and she knows not to open it. Sure wish I could figure out how to get her to not open my door.
Last night she came into my room about 2am with a flashlight - I woke up to a bright light and could not for the life of me figure out where or who I was. Oh my God, now I am going crazy. DD is not crazy, but taking care of a DD pt will certainly make you feel that way. So today I took her to a movie because she keeps on begging to go to a movie. Wheelchair, ice water, sweater, SISTER, off we go, pay big bucks to get in and bigger bucks for large popcorn and coke for her, get settled in which was no easy job, and less than 5 minutes after the real movie had started, she needed her husband, she was cold, she needed to go to the bathroom, she was scared. Calgon, take me away!!! However, I sat and watched the movie, The Help is great, and then we left. I'm not meaning to be cruel, but cheese 'n rice - give me a break. Thanks for listening. CLO
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Originally posted by: Rkg
jan, I am sorry your going thru this. But in my opinion you are taking this personal!
It's not personal, it's the disease!
You say you spent 2 hours trying to defuse the situation. Perhaps, just going along with him would keep him calm and not allow the issue to fester.
I know it's hard, when they don't believe what your saying, but you have to understand where your LO's doubt is coming from. There is nothing wrong with trying to assure him it was you that was cooking dinner, but once you see he's not buying it, then you have to switch gears and find what will make him satisfied or get him on to another subject.
Banging your head against the wall not only angers/confuses him but makes you upset. Not worth it! I promise fighting this disease will only hurt you in the end. Let it go, you will be much better off. Best of luck!
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Originally posted by: jan9231
I do understand that me and DD could be a great pair of caregivers. Except for the fact that everything I do is wrong and I should take notes on how she handles the situation for 2 hours once a week and use her methods when his rudeness occurs. She is a control freak at her home as well. Two of her 4 children came to live with us due to her needing to control who they are, who they see and what courses and life choices they make.
Sorry I just needed to vent. I am looking a getting someone in 2 afternoons a week so that I can get out. One son comes every Tuesday after work and stays a minimum of 2 hours on Tuesday afternoons and another one comes on Thursday afterwork to stay for at least 2 hours. I just need help for during the days. I think if I find someone and have them visit while I'm home a few times, then he would be ok with staying home with them.
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
quote: Originally posted by clo:
However, I sat and watched the movie, The Help is great, and then we left. I'm not meaning to be cruel, but cheese 'n rice - give me a break. Thanks for listening. CLO
Clo, I hope you're not saying that when your client wanted to leave the movie after five minutes, that you stayed and watched the whole thing. Sorry -- but when you're the caregiver, the client's needs and preferences come first. It's quite typical for someone with dementia to want to go someplace (or at least, be willing to go) and then want to stay only a few minutes. Roll with the punches and leave whenever the client gets uncomfortable.
This is a job!
You'll get more help (and probably more kind and sympathetic help) from others if you start new threads of your own. Then more people will read what you're saying and respond to you instead of the original poster.
Sorry to be so critical -- but I don't think you're really taking this job seriously enough. If you treated my partner the way you're treating your client, I'd fire you immediately.
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Originally posted by: JAB
Jan, have you ever heard of Capgras syndrome? It's a disorder or symptom in which the patient believes that a spouse, parent, or other close family member or very close friend has been replaced by an identical-looking imposter. It is one of the most common delusions in Alzheimer's patients. I wonder if that is starting to influence your husband's behavior.
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Originally posted by: flowerlady
Jan, this may sound weird but for us I have
found that my hubby is so much worse when hungry. I noticed that you said you were making supper? It may cause him agitation to wait if he is hungry. Maybe not the answer for you but food does calm my DH. The 2 things I ask him when he is not so nice are...did you take your meds and are you hungry. Is so o.k. to vent and this is a great place for that. take care...flowerlady
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Originally posted by: loveofmylife
You are doing a great job Jan. Just remember there is always tomorrow. Make sure you are getting enough rest, food and doing something once a day that you enjoy. Our loved ones go through so many stages and we have to realize that we as caregivers do as well. We need to vent, we get frustrated, we aren't perfect but we do the best that we can do. Much love and support coming at you. xox from me sitting in a hospital room with pj's on!
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Originally posted by: jan9231
Thanks for all the input from everyone. Looking for a support group with respite care that I and DH can attend. Thanks again to all.
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Originally posted by: PANDORA BOX
hi jan9231
my situation is not as bad as yours but i know it is coming..my husband is quickly moving in to stage 6.........he has had this for 11 years..some days i am fine..coping well...then some days i am just very sad and depressed and lonely...it seems to build up...an then i just drop in a hole....i have no idea how long i can last an often think of suicide and how i can murder him or us both....now that is really bad is it not.............good luck to youl
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Originally posted by: loveofmylife
keep coming back to us Jan so we can all support you.
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Originally posted by: jan9231
I just want to be loved back. Even a dog would be acceptable in spite of the extra work.
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
quote: Originally posted by jan9231:
I just want to be loved back. Even a dog would be acceptable in spite of the extra work.
That's where a counselor or good friend comes in.
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Originally posted by: Ruby Tuesday
quote: Originally posted by Cathy J. M.:
(I've never forgotten the wife whose AD husband threatened her with an axe, saying he was going to kill her. She smiled at him and said "Let's have lunch first." "Oh, OK." Situation defused.)
Whoa! That is one brave woman! I can't say that I could have handled it that way. I will not forgot this either. My husband has aggressive tendancies.
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Originally posted by: Rkg
Pandora, Please seek help, I completely understand that this journey is no fun. But thoughts like your having are not an answer to the situation.
This journey is tough but, we truly can survive it, with grace and a open heart. My feelings are, that I am exactly where I am suppose to be, if not then why am I here? God choose me to be my Dh's caregiver. Other wise I would be laying on a beach somewhere with a cabana boy bringing me cocktails. I am not! I am here being a caregiver (who has went thru the worst year possible) But hanging on! And trying to help my Dh along his journey.
Please, Please seek professional help. You will survive this, promise if you allow yourself the chance.
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
Pandora,
If you do feel again like killing him and yourself, here are two numbers to call for help. You can call any time of day or night:
In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Alzheimer's Assn: 1-800-272-3900
Help really is available to you.
If you haven't already contacted your state's agency for aging, do call them too next week during the daytime. It may well be that some relief is available at no cost to you.
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Originally posted by: loveofmylife
Hi Pandora-
Hope you are doing okay today. Remember not one person can do it all....it truly "takes a village". Reach out to others, family, neighbors anyone. There are people that can help and make you feel better. You are not in an impossible situation and alone, we are here for you. surrender to others, let them in.
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
quote: Originally posted by Ruby Tuesday:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Cathy J. M.:
(I've never forgotten the wife whose AD husband threatened her with an axe, saying he was going to kill her. She smiled at him and said "Let's have lunch first." "Oh, OK." Situation defused.)
I'm not sure I could do that either! But I've got it tucked away in my mind!
Note that she said "Let's have lunch first" while he had the ax raised at her, poised to strike, as she came through the doorway. So she didn't have the option of the more usual responses of backing away slowly for a "cooling off" period and/or calling 911.
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Originally posted by: loveofmylife
quote: Originally posted by sammy123: quote: Originally posted by Be Strong 2: quote:
This journey is tough but, we truly can survive it, with grace and a open heart. My feelings are, that I am exactly where I am suppose to be, if not then why am I here? God choose me to be my Dh's caregiver. Other wise I would be laying on a beach somewhere with a cabana boy bringing me cocktails. I am not! I am here being a caregiver (who has went thru the worst year possible) But hanging on! And trying to help my Dh along his journey.
Thank you so much for this quote; I really needed that right now. DW is getting worse, wanting to go to church every night, and then when told that "there is no church service tonight" comments with "Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?" Starting to imagine other people being recently present. Quite often says, "Well, I guess all the others have left already!" or "where did all the others go?" Not sure who the others are. Last night we watched a DVD of the recent church service. She kept asking if it was 'live', and if so, "why weren't we there?" Kind of funny because we were on the DVD as part of the 'Praise Team'. She asked if that was her on the screen, so not sure she if she is recognizing herself. No trouble with mirrors yet. Oh boy, will have lots to tell her new doctor when we have an appointment next month. That is a wonderful quote. Thanks for sharing. Bob 
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Originally posted by: Be Strong 2
quote:
This journey is tough but, we truly can survive it, with grace and a open heart. My feelings are, that I am exactly where I am suppose to be, if not then why am I here? God choose me to be my Dh's caregiver. Other wise I would be laying on a beach somewhere with a cabana boy bringing me cocktails. I am not! I am here being a caregiver (who has went thru the worst year possible) But hanging on! And trying to help my Dh along his journey.
Thank you so much for this quote; I really needed that right now. DW is getting worse, wanting to go to church every night, and then when told that "there is no church service tonight" comments with "Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?" Starting to imagine other people being recently present. Quite often says, "Well, I guess all the others have left already!" or "where did all the others go?" Not sure who the others are. Last night we watched a DVD of the recent church service. She kept asking if it was 'live', and if so, "why weren't we there?" Kind of funny because we were on the DVD as part of the 'Praise Team'. She asked if that was her on the screen, so not sure she if she is recognizing herself. No trouble with mirrors yet. Oh boy, will have lots to tell her new doctor when we have an appointment next month.
Bob
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Originally posted by: loveofmylife
quote: Originally posted by Be Strong 2: quote:
This journey is tough but, we truly can survive it, with grace and a open heart. My feelings are, that I am exactly where I am suppose to be, if not then why am I here? God choose me to be my Dh's caregiver. Other wise I would be laying on a beach somewhere with a cabana boy bringing me cocktails. I am not! I am here being a caregiver (who has went thru the worst year possible) But hanging on! And trying to help my Dh along his journey.
Thank you so much for this quote; I really needed that right now. DW is getting worse, wanting to go to church every night, and then when told that "there is no church service tonight" comments with "Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?" Starting to imagine other people being recently present. Quite often says, "Well, I guess all the others have left already!" or "where did all the others go?" Not sure who the others are. Last night we watched a DVD of the recent church service. She kept asking if it was 'live', and if so, "why weren't we there?" Kind of funny because we were on the DVD as part of the 'Praise Team'. She asked if that was her on the screen, so not sure she if she is recognizing herself. No trouble with mirrors yet. Oh boy, will have lots to tell her new doctor when we have an appointment next month. Bob
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Originally posted by: Be Strong 2
quote: Originally posted by Rkg: quote: Originally posted by Be Strong 2: Thank you so much for this quote; your so welcome! I really needed that right now. DW is getting worse, I am sorry to hear that, but I promise if you actually get to the place where you accept this journey for what it is, I promise it does make it easier. Recently the Hospice Clergy told me he was amazed that I had made it along this journey with Rod (the last year has been hell!), He said many would have already placed their AD LO's at this point. (mostly because how bad the last year has been, side effects late stage 6 stage 7 which doesn't help with the side effect issues). But I told him the same thing, I am were I am suppose to be, if not I wouldn't be here. As I have said a million times, this journey is not fun! But we can make it. And help our Lo's as much as possible. Good Luck, your going to be fine. "there is no church service tonight" Is she far enough along to tell her, Sure we will go! And hope she forgets that you actually didn't go? No trouble with mirrors yet. Even as bad as this last year has been for my Dh, he still likes the man in the mirror! Sometimes it's over the top giddy when he speaks to the "man in the mirror" ..........  Bob
Oh, I've accepted the invitation for the ride. Actually I've got it pretty good but still trying to stay one step ahead. I guess that's the control freak in me that the first neurologist accused me of.
My daughter made the comment that I should think of where DW would be if we hadn't gotten married (broke and destitute in addition to current condition). Anyway, we have a lot of good moments.
No, I couldn't fool her about going to church, she is still completely aware of that. It's the not knowing the day of the week or scheduling that causes most of the problem. One day I drove her to church (I was running errands and had to stop there anyway) and showed her the dark sanctuary; guess I had a bit of a mean streak. It made me feel better but didn't help once we got home because she couldn't remember that we had stopped there.
Our pastor says he is going to include her on his resume'; not every pastor has people beating down the doors.
Anyway, I got ahold of her daughter today and they are out for an outing. I guess I just have to be willing to ask for help. That's not my style but I will have to change; I am changing, slowly, but changing.
Bob
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
quote: Originally posted by Be Strong 2: She does know what breakfast day means though; blueberry pancakes at a local eatery. We go every Saturday and Wednesday. That she really likes, and remembers if I say "breakfast day" when we wake up. Maybe there just has to be an incentive. Bob
That's interesting. I've been thinking it might be nice to have one especially fun thing on tap for each day of the week -- keeping the routine as much as possible.
It really makes sense that unless there IS some special reason to remember what day it is or why that's important -- it will slip.
In the first one or two quick tests at the brain specialist's office, I realized that the questions my partner couldn't answer were exactly the things she could easily rely on me to handle. So there was no special reason for her to remember the info -- and she didn't.
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Originally posted by: Be Strong 2
quote: Originally posted by Rkg: quote: Originally posted by Be Strong 2: Oh, I've accepted the invitation for the ride. Good! Actually I've got it pretty good but still trying to stay one step ahead. I too was one of those that like to have my ducks in a row, only thing I have learned with this disease is, no matter how lined up my ducks are, this disease is gonna bite me in the rear every so often. Hang in there, you will learn to let go of the control thing. I kinda have!  No, I couldn't fool her about going to church, she is still completely aware of that. It's the not knowing the day of the week or scheduling that causes most of the problem. Many caregivers get large calenders and teach their LO's to work off of it. Don't know where your Dw is, but it might help. I guess I just have to be willing to ask for help. YEP! Bob
Large Calendar went by the wayside a long time ago. She used to put everything on it and check it faithfully. Now she doesn't even look at it. I did purchase a large digital, calendar clock (3 inch numerals and date). Once in a great while I will point at it and get her to look. She will read the day and date, and then go back to her questioning. She no longer relates days of the week to activity schedules.
She does know what breakfast day means though; blueberry pancakes at a local eatery. We go every Saturday and Wednesday. That she really likes, and remembers if I say "breakfast day" when we wake up. Maybe there just has to be an incentive.
Bob
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Originally posted by: Rkg
quote: Originally posted by Be Strong 2: Thank you so much for this quote; your so welcome! I really needed that right now. DW is getting worse, I am sorry to hear that, but I promise if you actually get to the place where you accept this journey for what it is, I promise it does make it easier. Recently the Hospice Clergy told me he was amazed that I had made it along this journey with Rod (the last year has been hell!), He said many would have already placed their AD LO's at this point. (mostly because how bad the last year has been, side effects late stage 6 stage 7 which doesn't help with the side effect issues). But I told him the same thing, I am were I am suppose to be, if not I wouldn't be here. As I have said a million times, this journey is not fun! But we can make it. And help our Lo's as much as possible. Good Luck, your going to be fine. "there is no church service tonight" Is she far enough along to tell her, Sure we will go! And hope she forgets that you actually didn't go? No trouble with mirrors yet. Even as bad as this last year has been for my Dh, he still likes the man in the mirror! Sometimes it's over the top giddy when he speaks to the "man in the mirror" .......... Bob
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Originally posted by: Rkg
quote: Originally posted by Be Strong 2: Oh, I've accepted the invitation for the ride. Good! Actually I've got it pretty good but still trying to stay one step ahead. I too was one of those that like to have my ducks in a row, only thing I have learned with this disease is, no matter how lined up my ducks are, this disease is gonna bite me in the rear every so often. Hang in there, you will learn to let go of the control thing. I kinda have! No, I couldn't fool her about going to church, she is still completely aware of that. It's the not knowing the day of the week or scheduling that causes most of the problem. Many caregivers get large calenders and teach their LO's to work off of it. Don't know where your Dw is, but it might help. I guess I just have to be willing to ask for help. YEP! Bob
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Originally posted by: lurk
Rkg, I have thought about you a lot in the past two months that I have been a cripple. How did you possibly manage with your sprained ankle? Your DH is much worse than mine. I don't remember your complaining much. I did, but there wasn't anyone to listen--just talking to myself.
Bob, do you and your wife still walk in the mall? I'm so sorry for the latest developments, but appreciate your willingness to share. It helps those who are right behind you.
Our calendar also went by the wayside as did the listing of what he was to do on each day of the week. The last try was to put a note by the door when I got up in the morning. He didn't look at it. I now try to catch him when I hear him up in the bedroom. If it doesn't work, we do the task the next day.
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Originally posted by: Be Strong 2
quote: Originally posted by lurk:
Bob, does you and your DW still walk in the mall? I'm so sorry for the latest developments, but appreciate your willingness to share. Stay cool.
No more Mall walking, at least not during the summer. I can't leave her alone anymore so if she does go I'll have to go with her. We take the dog for short walks to get some exercise.
Currently she goes to Adult Day Care 4 days per week, although she is starting to turn up her nose about going. The other days we just do some things together for at least part of the day. Wednesday and Saturday we do breakfast at our favorite place. Sundays are active with church services so that works out OK.
The late afternoons and evenings are the problems times. She thinks every day is church day and wants to go and gets agitated when we don't go. I do my best to work around those times, redirecting as necessary, trying not to sound irritated myself.
Bob
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