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Originally posted by: JeanAnn
Hello. I am new to this discussion. However I do have a situation that maybe someone can help me with. I had been caring for my ex-husband for the last 5 yrs. who is 54 yrs. old. In Aug. 09 I had to make the decision to place him in a nursing home, where he stayed for approx. 1 month, then was moved to the behavioral unit at our local hospital. He was aggressive in this unit so after about 6 wks. he was moved to a mental hospital in Rusk, TX. where he is now. They tell me there is nothing else they can do for him, he needs to go to a nursing home. His social worker and myself have contacted over 80 nursing homes and none will take him due to his age, his aggression, his mobility, etc. He has to have one on one at this time. He does not talk, can not bath himself, etc. He walks constantly looking at the floor. I do understand the nursing homes position and responsibilty to the elderly patients. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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Originally posted by: Rkg
quote: Originally posted by JeanAnn:
I do understand the nursing homes position and responsibilty to the elderly patients. Does anyone have any suggestions?
JeanAnn, first let me say Welcome. The answer to your question is one that many EOAD caregivers worry about. Due to the fact that our LO's (your Ex) is younger. We face the sad truth that the medical profession, the agency's, etc still are not on board with the fact that yes, someone so young can wander in limbo. I am sorry I don't have an answer, just wanted to say that I too worry about what if my Dh gets to where your ex is now. Unfortunately I don't know if there are true answers. But only guesses of what to suggest. Hopefully one of them will work for your situation. Again, Welcome.
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
JeanAnn,
I do not have an answer. But try and put this post on the Caregivers Forum as more people will see it an hopefully someone can give you an answer.
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Originally posted by: Iris L.
quote: Originally posted by JeanAnn:
Hello. I am new to this discussion. However I do have a situation that maybe someone can help me with. I had been caring for my ex-husband for the last 5 yrs. who is 54 yrs. old. In Aug. 09 I had to make the decision to place him in a nursing home, where he stayed for approx. 1 month, then was moved to the behavioral unit at our local hospital. He was aggressive in this unit so after about 6 wks. he was moved to a mental hospital in Rusk, TX. where he is now. They tell me there is nothing else they can do for him, he needs to go to a nursing home. His social worker and myself have contacted over 80 nursing homes and none will take him due to his age, his aggression, his mobility, etc. He has to have one on one at this time. He does not talk, can not bath himself, etc. He walks constantly looking at the floor. I do understand the nursing homes position and responsibilty to the elderly patients. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Hello, JeanAnne. You might look for the posts of durantsdaughter. She had to call 911 to admit her EOAD husband because of his aggression. I can't remember his whole story but he is in a nursing home now. She posts a few times on the Caregiver board but she visits the chat room most evenings.
Iris L.
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Originally posted by: meeko11
JeanAnn it is a terrible suggestion-but I was in your situation. I also had to pay for a one on one aide to stay with my husband. He had to be chemically sedated until he calmed down. After that his meds were reduced but by then any active mental function was gone.
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Originally posted by: Iris L.
quote: Originally posted by Sam~TX:
Oh dear. Seems like I may have inadvertently opened a can of unsavory worms. Let me make ONE more post, and then I'll drop it. HOpefully I'll make it clear enough that even a "blonde" can understand.
I think this type of name calling, especially on a board of mostly women caregivers, is uncalled for. And I'm not a blonde woman but I am a woman.
There's nothing wrong with opening up cans of worms. That's what this disease needs, more people to express their opinions and to bring it out of the closet. AD/dementia is a disease of many different challenges and limited resources. Most people are happy to find this site because none of their family or friends or neighbors understand what they are dealing with. Can we listen to each other here without disrespecting one another?
Iris L.
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Originally posted by: Iris L.
quote: Originally posted by Sam~TX:
Good grief, people, why can't you MYOB??? My original post was to LINDA.
These are message boards, not private emails. Everyone concerned with AD/dementia can post.
Iris L.
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Originally posted by: JAB
OK, I've started a new thread, to BARBLPN50, to see if she is around and might have any words of wisdom for you.
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Originally posted by: hoopdydoo
My Hero Sam the husband caregiver friend. Ive known Sam for 4 years.Sam is a smart man who has been through it and has figured it out.He will give an opinion when you ask for one.
Sam you should write the book.Tell of the rock hunts. running barefoot,through the sand spurs,the out door shower?.How you shoulda got a call from the nurse saying "Come get her or we are sending her to the pysche ward."or something.Even a "hey Sam Calm her down or we are giving her a shot",woulda been nice."
Tell the story about the stranger in the shower.
Tell them how you decided that if all they can do to control her is by making her a drooling vegetable then you would take her home and let her be mad all she wanted.Because you love Anne and will take care of her fer as long as you can do way better than anyone else can do..Yes Sam you have been my hero for years....
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Originally posted by: JAB
quote: Originally posted by JeanAnn:
Hello. I am new to this discussion. However I do have a situation that maybe someone can help me with. I had been caring for my ex-husband for the last 5 yrs. who is 54 yrs. old. In Aug. 09 I had to make the decision to place him in a nursing home, where he stayed for approx. 1 month, then was moved to the behavioral unit at our local hospital. He was aggressive in this unit so after about 6 wks. he was moved to a mental hospital in Rusk, TX. where he is now. They tell me there is nothing else they can do for him, he needs to go to a nursing home. His social worker and myself have contacted over 80 nursing homes and none will take him due to his age, his aggression, his mobility, etc. He has to have one on one at this time. He does not talk, can not bath himself, etc. He walks constantly looking at the floor. I do understand the nursing homes position and responsibilty to the elderly patients. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Hi, JeanAnn. What a very sad situation. ((((hugs))))
Maybe a geriatric care manager would have ideas for you.
http://www.seniormag.com/services/caremanager.htm
http://www.snapforseniors.com/default.aspx?tabid=231
Places to look for them:
National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers
http://www.caremanager.org
Your local chapter of the Alz Assoc
http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp
Your local Area Agency on Aging
http://www.n4a.org/about-n4a/?fa=aaa-title-VI
Also, if you haven't already done so, call the Alz Assoc 24/7 help line (the number is at the top of every page on these boards). They have some very highly trained staff who may be able to help you identify some viable options.
BARBLPN50 just went through exactly the same thing, except for her husband. She did find a place, although it is 60 miles away from her home.
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Originally posted by: Linda G2
Sam, I certainly hope you are back to read this post. Your input here is valuable to us and I ,personally, will miss you. quote: Originally posted by Sam~TX:
Oh dear. Seems like I may have inadvertently opened a can of unsavory worms. Let me make ONE more post, and then I'll drop it. HOpefully I'll make it clear enough that even a "blonde" can understand.
Cathy, you said:
I'm sure your wife must have a geriatric psychiatrist if she has violent rages. What does he or she suggest? Has she ever been in a geriatric psychiatric unit?
------
NO, she does not. Her violent rages have been gone for three years. And yes,she's been in a Psychiatric Unit and the abuse was abominable so that will never be an option again.
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Rkg,you wrote:
Hopefully Sam will find what works for his DW to be comfortable with help from an outsider.
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I have. There will be no outsider. It's me to the end, one way or another. I have made arrangements in case this disease gets two-fer.
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Linda, you wrote:
I am not sure I could do what you are doing in such a devoted and caring way, Sam.
Please take care of yourself even if it is in just micro-respites.
Be gentle with yourself
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Thank you for saying so. I appreciate it. I do take care of myself as much as this disease and my extended family will allow. And, I am gentle with myself----just not nearly as gentle as I need to be for my wife, I suppose, but I am doing alright.
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Summer, you wrote:
What you are missing is simply the fact that Cathy was trying to say she HAS been there.. If you had read her story back in Dec, you would know she has been where Sam is.
Plus, IMHO, I don't think you should EVER stop trying to improve your ADLOs quality of life. If she is that upset all day long, wouldn't it be worth "one more try" to see if something can be done to make HER quality of life better.
Additionally, dealing with rages is VERY hard on the caregiver as well, and for their own health and sanity, respite is a MUST. This disease, and the stress it causes, can be fatal to the caregiver as well.
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Well, Summer, there is just NO way Cathy could be where I've been. And improving my WIFE's quality of life is a daily thing if not hourly one. And yes, dealing with rage in a spouse is probably the most painful and stressful of all. HOwever, respite is NOT a "must". It's highly recommended, but everyone is different. Some are stronger than others. And, after dealing with this disease for the last nine years, no one knows better than I that it can be fatal to the caregiver. I certainly don't need to be reminded of that. At this point, however, my wife is far more important than I.
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
An Irish toast for us to think about:
May you never forget what is worth remembering,
Or remember what is best forgotten.
Saliante!
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Originally posted by: JAB
quote: Originally posted by JeanAnn:
Hello. I am new to this discussion. However I do have a situation that maybe someone can help me with. I had been caring for my ex-husband for the last 5 yrs. who is 54 yrs. old. In Aug. 09 I had to make the decision to place him in a nursing home, where he stayed for approx. 1 month, then was moved to the behavioral unit at our local hospital. He was aggressive in this unit so after about 6 wks. he was moved to a mental hospital in Rusk, TX. where he is now. They tell me there is nothing else they can do for him, he needs to go to a nursing home. His social worker and myself have contacted over 80 nursing homes and none will take him due to his age, his aggression, his mobility, etc. He has to have one on one at this time. He does not talk, can not bath himself, etc. He walks constantly looking at the floor. I do understand the nursing homes position and responsibilty to the elderly patients. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Hi, JeanAnn.
durantsdaughter has responded to the thread I started to ask Barb for input. She says you should contact your senators and congressmen:
"They contacted the Medicaid office, the Ombudsperson, and the department of aging. You'd be surprised how involved they will get with helping you when a Senator or Congressman are calling them directly."
http://alzheimers.infopop.cc/e...52104903/m/670301043
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Originally posted by: Rkg
quote: Originally posted by Iris L.:
These are message boards, not private emails. Everyone concerned with AD/dementia can post.
Iris L.
Very true Iris. Great reminder to those who have forgotten.
hoopdydoo, my hero's are every caregiver who take on the challenge of caring for a loved one with any disease and every person who has been diagnosed with it. They all have stories, they all have challenges, they all have pain. And just because we all have struggles, it in no way excuses hatefulness! This forum is about helping people, not demeaning people who are at their last thread. Especially when their intentions were to help.
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Originally posted by: hoopdydoo
I know you do Iris...I have a love for all of us...I know I am a hero caregiver cause I hear it all the time.And I know Sam is a good one.He doesn't get too much respite and he can be grumpy and call silly names but he is a loving caregiver stuck on a farm in Texas with his Alzheimers's wife.He has it figured out for him.So this is his respite...so be kind...please...over look some of our shortcomings.
quote]Has she ever been in a geriatric psychiatric unit?[/quote]
And all the talk about skillful coping skills...blah blah blah..Like Sam has not got them?Social skills of a Man. We need to back it down another step away...Caregiver Spouses (Men)where you could read stuff like "Some one,in her naive little hippie way,is trying to counsel Sam by letting him ,know that if you can not handle rage then you must be doing something wrong...and Has she ever been in a geriatric psychiatric unit?Yeah!That was not a good thing either!Sore subject.
Sam didn't curse this time but he said Mind your own business...lol...
But Sam this is our business. It is a public board.I was hoping to find a good answer to Needed respite How do you know when it is time for one?But found Sam being asked abunch of silly questions.Like he ain't never heard of that before.My buddy Rogar seen it and tried to block for him but he just could not leave it along...He told a blone joke."
Sam,dont humilate people even if they are pushing the wrong buttons.Be kind. Everyone is fighting some kinda battle.Until we get our own Caregiver Spouse Men ,No more blond jokes...
Write the book.Have a sweet final chapter.Then you could tell them read the book first.
Come back Sam.Come back Sam because we need this place and they need us.Just ignore the silly questions.Heck I've been known to ask them.If they throw both of us off get my e mail address from Mary.Roger you know where to find me...
But just to keep this thread alive I will ask you Sam?
How do you know when it is time for a Needed respite?
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Originally posted by: Iris L.
quote: Originally posted by hoopdydoo:
Sam is a smart man who has been through it and has figured it out.
You know yourself, Hoop, how often we in the chat room and on the message boards praise and admire the male caregivers for their commitment, devotion and loving care for their Loved Ones.
Iris L.
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Originally posted by: Roger G. care partner
Hey everyone, please, lets bring this to an end. Enough is enough. And if someone wants to direct and answer or opinion to a person it is fine. But, I really think this discussion can come to an end. It does not do anyone good to keep remarking on what Sam or I have said. We both get the point. Please, lets move on to something else. Life is to short to belabor or beat a dead horse.
Roger and Phyllis
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Originally posted by: meeko11
OK Linda-fess up: did you wear lace trimmed sox in your sneakers?
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Originally posted by: meeko11
This thread started out with a question. I assumed anyone who answered would try to participate. With limited info further questions were asked and suggestions were offered. Isn't that the way things were supposed to work?
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Originally posted by: Upper Lad
WOW!!!! I have learned several things by reading this series of comments/requests/suggestions/etc.
1. It's a great place to get rid of some excess steam.
2. It's a great place to be very generic with regard to the commentor's sex.
3. It's a great place to find out how comments/suggestions can be interpreted different ways by people with different situations.
4. It's a great place to find people like JAB who have very beneficial suggestions as to where to find professional help.
5. It's a great place to find admirable people who care so much about their signficant others that they continue to care for them no matter how heavy the burden.
I have learned through reading this discussion thread (and others) that I am one very lucky spouse and caregiver because my spouse is only delusional.
PLEASE KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK EVERYONE. I HAVE A FEELING THAT ALL OF YOU WOULD BE VERY GOOD FRIENDS.
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Originally posted by: Linda G2
To Sam, Roger, et al, This thread became pretty interesting. The good thing is that it created a dialogue among us. It is, however, easy to take this too personally, especially when written.
Sam, My personal life is made up on men and women (used to be boys and girls back in the day) who I see as people with different perspectives. And, I am fortunate to have both in my life as 'BFF Best Friends Forever" 
Without input from both perspectives we lose a lot. So, guys, please keep coming back!!!. This girl needs you here! From a former tomboy who loves basketball better than dressing up.
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