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Originally posted by: DLMifm
quote: Originally posted by Cathy J. M.: quote: Originally posted by DLMifm:
Where do I find a financial manager who works pro-bono?
If your son means a financial expert to manage investments in stocks and bonds, then only the kind who works on commission (when you buy or sell) is free. The drawback is that since they only make money by advising you to sell one stock and buy another, their advice is biased in this direction. The other kind of investment advisor charges a fee but I have no idea how much -- might be worth it if investments are big $. <><><> The few advisors I contacted were not interested, funds to small, <><><> Part of my motivation is that by cutting expenses this much, I won't have to spend so much time trying to earn money (to fill all these leaking expense buckets) and will be able to get back to my studio to paint. Hope this wasn't completely off topic for you.
Right on topic.
I am using a free service (very safe and secure) called mint.com
It allows me to track in detail every dollar I have and every penny I spend. Their budgeting module leaves a lot to be desired.
However the email me a week]y report. and I can export the data to a spreadsheet if I want.
It polls all accounts and is uptodate within a day or so. I can track prescriptions (CC purchase), food, takeouts,all sorts of pay for services, SS, checking activity, savings bonds, ING, BOA, Fidelity, CD's, savings etc.
When I broke out spending by subcategories I was able to trim non essentials, and I can monitor how my retirement funds shrink.
What it doesn't do is prioritize piggy banks. Which ones might be combined, which one to use up first, second etc.
At least now I don't stay awake nights wondering where the money goes. It still goes but I now know where it went on-demand.
If only the expenses would stand still.
So you're a painter. Some day, OTBE, I'll get back to building ship models.
DLM
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Originally posted by: Mimi S.
Hi East Texas,
Welcome to our world. I'm so sorry you feel the way you do.
Please call 1-800-272-3900 and speak with the person who answers. You have a lot of anger to get rid of.
You might even get some help.
Do come back.
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
I've started to use Mint.com also.
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Originally posted by: Montanaman
It is 2am. Finally I have read some posts that reflect my experience and feelings. Sans Espoir I also do not want to live the rest of my life like this. Whenever i ask him to change his clothes or take a shower I get the nasty bitch comments. I give it right back. I grew up with a bunch of brothers and can cuss like a sailor. My promise to myself is I will change my future.I will not be abused by anyone.I will not allow anyone to make me feel guilty for feelings THEY THINK I SHOULD HAVE.
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Originally posted by: DLMifm
quote: Originally posted by Cathy J. M.:
I've started to use Mint.com also.
Good Show 
There is a definite learning curve. Editing check numbers to show who they paid, learning how to establish groups of data to export is something I keep forgetting.
I like being able to see immediately any unauthorized transaction (double CC billing by merchant for example).
Anything that helps me from going totally crraazzzy <G> is a good thing.
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Originally posted by: meeko11
Dorinne happy birthday♫ ♫
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Originally posted by: Fluffy
Excuse me, but who doesn't haver ther right to be angry. While those wh9o get Alz. can't help it, it sure ruins the lives of those that take care of them. Would be much better if this disease was short lived. Caregivers son't have a life anymiore at least not this one. Never have time for yourself, can't go anywhere for very long. Yes I resent thre whole thing. And don't tell me to call the org. I have quite a few times but didn't feel any better. My problems can't be solved. I don't likenthe role of caregiver, do not find it rewarding. To me it is an unwelcome chore. Not every one is cut out to love caaregiving. But husband isn't neglected, has what he needs, is clean at all times, fed well. House is clean. But it is at my expense. After all how many would eit on ther bathroom floor with an old tooth rush cleaning the poop out ofn the grooves on the soles of his shoes.
Be careful of financial advisors. Unless I was unlucky enough withb the two we had. Unless they realixed I didn't have much experience and took advantage. Husband always took care og=f finances. It was none of my G..d..business. But then he couldn't manage it anymore. One advisor charged a commission. A certain percentage every quarter. Well, we lost more in 6 mos. More than I will ever see deducted every year on taxes for loss in my lifetime. The other one. The other one charged a fee for each transaction. He got us into an investment that seemd good the way he explkained it. But the way it's turning out if I want to cash that investment in the penalty is 40%. I was told could access it for 90%. We would lose over $200,000. I don;t feel like loosing that much.
Husband always worked 2 jobs and saved, saved, saved. I did without a lot of things. It aalso helped that we lived ith my Mother so expenses were low. No mortgage, no rent just our share of the utilities. What good is having it if you can't get at it. Husband's son is a millionaire but doesn't do squat to help. And yet hubby helped him financially to get in the business he has. I dion't expect help from any of his children. Know I wuld be told to g to h... if I asked. They are very self centered and glad to not havr to worry about Dad. Talk about anger.
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Originally posted by: lurk
Dorinne, Happy birthday. I hope you find joy in this day. There is life after 72.
Everyone, this has been a helpful thread. I've still got a little more research and action to do.
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Originally posted by: shearbear
I feel it is good to vent. And I so agree, not everyone is geared to be a care-giver. I told my husband long ago, I don't do Alzheimer's so please don't get it. I deal with it the best I can but at times I feel so angered, so lonely, so over-whelmed. I do not get any support from his family...ZIP. I don't have a family. My neighbors have stepped in and helped me a few times.
Hugs to you, Fluffy.
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Originally posted by: Stely
quote: Originally posted by btucson:
I log on to this message board hoping to connect with other wives/husbands/caregivers expressing what they honestly feel about this horrible disease. Doesn't anybody else want to just SCREAM! I would like to hear from some people who are going crazy trying to deal with making their spouse shower, having to beat them to the bathroom each a.m. to hide their dirty clothes so they have to wear something else, dealing with them not remembering that they talked their daughter when she called on Fathers' Day. Would like to hear from someone else who wishes their spouse had cancer rather than this awful disease. At least a battle can be fought against cancer and quite often the battle is won. This disease is a hopeless.
My ADH has cancer also and it is no picnic. I hate this disease more each day. He has Agent Orange from Vietnam and that has gave him an agressive AD. Here was a man that could program in any language and now he can't figure out how to turn on the computer. I hate it when he ask am I'm going to get worse?
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Originally posted by: DLMifm
quote: Originally posted by shearbear:
I feel it is good to vent. And I so agree, not everyone is geared to be a care-giver. I told my husband long ago, I don't do Alzheimer's so please don't get it. I deal with it the best I can but at times I feel so angered, so lonely, so over-whelmed. I do not get any support from his family...ZIP. I don't have a family. My neighbors have stepped in and helped me a few times.
Hugs to you, Fluffy.
How could anyone be geared to be care-giver for anyone afflicted with Alzheimer's!
At my AD support group yesterday one carer related how wonderfully her family support and how they came together to take a team approach. In contrast a carer across the table was angered and hurt because her family refused help of any type. She also related how the lack of support was making her crazy.
DLM
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Originally posted by: Fluffy
Wow! If I could I would place the husband andf no more worries. Just my weekly visit. And I could enjoy my house again and do things. But poisition I'm in I can't do that. And after 30 yrs. of being a caregiver to relatives I think I have a right to have a little anger. I havn;t had much of a life.
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
quote: Originally posted by fluffy:
Wow! If I could I would place the husband andf no more worries. Just my weekly visit. And I could enjoy my house again and do things. But poisition I'm in I can't do that. And after 30 yrs. of being a caregiver to relatives I think I have a right to have a little anger. I havn;t had much of a life.
Of course you have a right to have as much anger as you want!
But if you use anger as a substitute for making decisions and taking action, you're kicking yourself.
If you haven't had much of a life yet, now's the time to start.
From other posts, seems as if you can place your husband but choose to hold onto some other things instead. Your choice!
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
If you can use your anger to energize yourself to some positive action, great. Otherwise, do what you need to do to let the anger go. (Different things work for different people.)
No one can make you crazy. No disease can ruin your life. Unless you decide to let them.
Don't let a disease define your life or the life of anyone you love. Be bigger than that.
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Originally posted by: RGP
Hello Everyone!,
I am my father's caregiver. I believe he is in Stage 7. I hate the fact that he has Dementia! My day starts with me changing the sheets because he wet the bed. I have to change his clothes and of course his diaper. It's hard for me to shower him so I have to wait till my husband comes home from work and helps me to bathe him. I clean him in the morning with baby wipes and lotion.
ALL day he continues going from his room to the kitchen. I have to follow him cause every single time he tries to bring something into his room. It's either cookies, water, or whatever he sees that appeals to him. He doesn't eat what he brings into his room, he just leaves it there.
This is none stop. He goes in his room and is out within a minute or so. I'm exhausted at the end of the day!!!
Sometimes he forgets where the bathroom is and urinate in his room. Many times we had to shampoo his carpet because of that. Sometimes I catch him on time and I rush him to the bathroom.
Also when he goes to the bathroom I have to make sure to help him wipe because other wise he gets poop all over his hands. I have to help him wash his hands cause he will not do that on his own.
It's taking me forever to finish typing this because as we speak, he keeps going to the kitchen. Its very exhausting. I pray to God daily to give me the strength to take care of my dad. I cry sometimes by myself because at times it gets very overwhelming.
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Originally posted by: RGP
Thank You Cathy J.M.! What I did today was move one of the sofas to block the kitchen entrance. This really helped a lot! He does get out of his room with the intention of going into the kitchen but since he is unable to since it's blocked, he returns back to his room. 
I try my best to be a good daughter and help my dad now that he needs me. I pray every morning to God to guide me in everything I do, And to be able to understand what my dad needs.
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Originally posted by: Fluffy
Cathy J.M.
Maybe some thngs are just more important than others. I'm not going to wind up with nothing.
As it stands now I could place husband for about 6 mos.
During our marriage what ever was his was his and what ever was mine was his. And I didn't have much. Now because of cicumstances I have some and am going to keep it. I would like to do and get things I wasn't allowed to get or do before.
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
RGP, sometimes changing the home environment helps -- for example, in your case, adding a door or gate that keeps the kitchen off limits. Many times, someone with AD needs to be limited to a smaller, simpler and safer space within a larger home.
There are lots of posts about flooring -- some in favor of carpet (in case of falls) and some in favor of hard flooring (for easier cleanup). Steam carpet cleaners can help. Also, there are ways to make the bed to minimize linen washing.
Maybe his doctor can order home health care to give you specific tips for the things that are bothering you most. Hope so! I know these things pile up and do get overwhelming.
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Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.
quote: Originally posted by Stely:
Here was a man that could program in any language and now he can't figure out how to turn on the computer. I hate it when he ask am I'm going to get worse?
Practice things to say..."I can see that the memory pills are really working!" and "No matter what you can do or not do, I love you and I'm with you." Etc. This helps the LO and ends up helping you too.
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Originally posted by: genevieveln
I am sitting here crying in my little office so my husband can't hear me. Tonight he went out w/his cgiver so I can have my "night alone". I ended up staying home just to enjoy the quiet, and in they came, an hour and a half early, with my husband's pants all wet in front. He has had incontinence before but not with "#2", which was what I have always said I could not and would not, handle. And of course, it was #2, while they were at the movies. So, a new low has occurred. I am devastated, because it is progressing and all the more real now.
Just when things become "normal" a new normal happens. It is so hard to live with the constant change and certainly not for the better. I am dreading the future and I feel like tonight, the gates of hell clanged shut.
It may sound dramatic, but if anyone gets what I mean, you guys do. I helped him take a shower, (which I do every day) and when he came out in his clean pj's I said to his caregiver, "What is so hard, is that he is so cute". He is so handsome, so intelligent, accomplished, and many times, he remembers things I don't. I am 15 1/2 years younger, he is 71 and has been seeing a neurolgist for going on 8 years, but diagnosed with dimentia and bi-[polar 5 years ago. His "official" diagnosis of frontal temporal dimentia has been in place for about 3 years.
When Iread a post that said they almost fall over when they think they will lose their husband, that is when I lost it. AS awful as this life is, I don't want to be without him, but I am losing it. My health is suffering and I am so lonely. I believe in God and try hard to trust, but it is so hard. I have been very blessed and am so incredibly lucky that he has a long term care insurance policy for the rest of his life, I refinanced our house to a much lower payment recently so he could have more hours and if I have to place him, I would be possibly able to keep our home if I get roomates....it is just a weird life. I get jealous of all my friends who have stable lives and responsible husbands who have really good jobs in Silicon Valley....
I will just get tough and handle this next phase like I've handled it all....
Boy, it really helps to write this out. Thank you to all for this forum and for being so honest in your postings. It has really helped me open up. I hold so much in and like I said, my health has suffered for it.
I will keep working on my health while I help take care of his....
Good night everyone.
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Originally posted by: RHW
quote: Originally posted by shearbear:
I so sympathize with you. Having to phone 911 twice last week, first time my husband threatened to kill me, second time was he was convinced I have a lover, brought out a axe and told me when he arrives he will chop his head off, wears the same clothes for a week, even to bed, until I tell him it is time to change his clothes and take a shower and I am told he took a shower that day/and to mind my own business.
He screams at me and hates me most times and another trip to his doctor to see what will work to calm him down and I am going to doctor once or twice a month. My husband threatens daily he is taking all of our money, leaving me homeless, all because I suggest he shave, or it is time for haircut, time to bathe, time to eat, time for medication. Since my husband is incapable of doing the things he use to, and now I do them, I am called a big shot, a know it all, a bitch, and since he feels I am having a affair, I am called a slut, a whore, and it never ends. He beats me down when he sees I am enjoying any part of my life. At present, I feel very suicidal..as I wonder how much longer can I take this miserable life. The Sheriff dept pretty much told me that they can't do much anymore and it is not their job to come out on domestic dispute, even if he threatens my life, he has Alzheimer's and that I need to phone Adult Protective Services and to see a Elder Care Lawyer. Unless, he physically does harm to me...don't call them.
Many people tell me it is time to place him in a home and I tell them it will wipe out my retirement and I don't cherish going back to work at 60 years old. So, that is not an option. I can't live on zero dollars a month...and to work at walmart part time won't pay my bills. AND dh tells me he will not go into a nursing home, he will go live with his sister, who by the way, encourages him I have a lover and tells him to come live with her, and he is entitled to take all the money, he earned it (not true). His sister, beat up her late husband and family had to step in, to make sure she was no longer care-giver. Even though my husband is mean to me, it is his Alzheimer's ..not him, I would never allow him to live with his evil sister, nor would the family. Yes, to some who are afflicted by this disease, it only brings grief and heartache to the care-giver, and some days I wonder how I am going to make it through another day. My husband cannot be left alone no more, and I am in the process to find a MALE care-giver, which seems right now a impossible task. My husband said if I bring a care-giver into house he is throwing their arse out...so whoever I find, it will be done in baby steps..and be introduced as a friend. My husband use to be a loving, caring, gentle man and he now is a mean, hateful, grouchy man. He threatens to take his own life and I use to beg him not to, now ..I don't say a word. Sad but true. I have no life, it centers around him. I look forward to the day, God calls him home.
My DH used to do some of the same things but with medication and some time he is now much calmer and has returned to his normal self. I am a strong believer that we have to do whatever works and DRUGS worked for him!
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Originally posted by: lurk
You always said that you couldn't handle incontinence #2, but maybe you can. It's the new change that gets to you, but when you've had time to absorb it, you may just decide to buckle down and change your ways (and his undergarments)and go with the new reality. Only you can know if that is better than the alternative, but you never need to believe that you have no choices. See how everything seems in the morning--and the next morning. Sorry for the new reality. 
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Originally posted by: genevieveln
yes, the morning is always better....it was a better day. I told one of his daughters about it today because he sees her every Friday for lunch, and I know it was hard for her to see the reality ....like I said, I will get tough and handle it like I handled everything else, until I can't or choose not to.
This experience has shown me how strong I am, which has been a wonderful lesson. Have handled more than I ever thought I could and learned an awful lot about the law, financial things, etc. Sure makes you "grow up".
Thanks for the insight.
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Originally posted by: Starling
What you are describing, when you blocked the kitchen door, is how my husband's nursing home handles exit seekers.
They put an alarm on the patient. The elevators will not work without a special code (not the one visitors use to use the elevator). They can't open the door unless they hold it while the alarm sounds for at least 30 seconds. And for some reason when they hear the alarm they let go. So they can't use the stair cases.
Basically the worst ones, and my husband was one of them a year ago, just go round and round and round and finally give up trying. Meanwhile, the staff just ignores what is happening because they know the patient is not going anywhere. If they actually manage to get into an elevator (which is going no where) a few of them will gently convince them to get out of it, but outside of that, they don't bother.
I know one person who put key locks on her doors, including the bedroom door, so her husband could not get out while she was sleeping. That would not have worked for me because my husband tried to go out a window on the day he took off.
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