Home Safety Checklist
RSS Feed Print
No Sex after AD diagnosis
Internal Administrator
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463


Originally posted by: Montanaman

Hubby diagnosed 2 yrs ago after only 5 years of marriage.I began to feel like a mommy instead of wife.I asked him to move into spare bedroom. My Dr says my feelings are normal and OK.We live as best friends but not marital partners. Any other spouse experience this?
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: brennie2

quote:
Originally posted by Montanaman:
Hubby diagnosed 2 yrs ago after only 5 years of marriage.I began to feel like a mommy instead of wife.I asked him to move into spare bedroom. My Dr says my feelings are normal and OK.We live as best friends but not marital partners. Any other spouse experience this?


Yes & I don't think it is uncommon.My husband threw me & my Shih-tzu puppy out of the bedroom, saying that we kept him awake. Personally, I love having my own space. We have known each other for over 50 years, but are no longer even friends. We have not been marital partners for years. He is so out of reach.Imiss him & I know I am just the caregiver now & It is really sad. God Bless you
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

I don't know why you're not getting responses. Of course many spouses no longer want sex with their AD spouses -- because the partner smells bad, or has been saying hateful things all day, or can't do sex any more, or wants sex all the time, etc. There are probably dozens of reasons.

Some of the reasons may pass, or they may not.

It sounds as if despite your doctor's assurance, you're not sure your feelings are OK. Of course they are. Feelings are just feelings and they're all OK.

Would it be better for you and your husband if you experimented with having sex anyway? Who knows? It doesn't sound as if your husband is worried about this or feels rejected. My guess is that you have a lot of other stuff to deal with right now, and sex is probably pretty low on your list of priorities.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: So Sad

Montanaman,

Don't feel bad, as caregiver's we are stressed, tired, sad, and as you say we feel like we are the Mommy.

Don't beat yourself up, I think how you feel is normal.

I hope other's will answer too, I have not been doing this as long as many on here, but I wanted to let you know your feelings are perfectly acceptable.

We take the best care of the one's we love and until someone walks in your shoes they should not judge. You obviously love your husband and he is lucky to have you in his life.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Nipper

My DH still thinks he is 15 and a stud. He wants sex morning and night. I try and explain that we just had it and he gets all pouty, says he hasn't gotten "any" in years. Of course when we do have sex, he doesn't remember past a few minutes and he is "on" again. It is exhausting and I am way past enjoying it anymore. There is no explaining it to him. I would LOVE it if he would sleep alone.
When will he not want it anymore?
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: So Sad

quote:
Originally posted by SEmpens:
My DH still thinks he is 15 and a stud. He wants sex morning and night. I try and explain that we just had it and he gets all pouty, says he hasn't gotten "any" in years. Of course when we do have sex, he doesn't remember past a few minutes and he is "on" again. It is exhausting and I am way past enjoying it anymore. There is no explaining it to him. I would LOVE it if he would sleep alone.
When will he not want it anymore?



SE, I had to laugh, mine also tells me we haven't had sex in months even if it was just the night before. We gotta laugh or we will cry.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Montanaman

Well thanks folks.I am so conflicted right now.A lot of stuff came up recently due to one of his children visiting from overseas. We used to have a fairly good sex life. Now I want to leave him 1 day and the next I want to honor my marriage vows.This is our 8th yr together. I was divorced for 16 yrs before marrying him. We are totally broke now. I am on depression meds. I feel depression is getting worse. This forum is my only outlet. thanks for listening
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: SusanGS

my hubby blames me because he cant,...but i still love him and my son once told me when he was 20 that he couldnt wait till the time in life when sex just wasnt that important.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Be Strong 2

quote:
Originally posted by So Sad:
Montanaman,

Don't feel bad, as caregiver's we are stressed, tired, sad, and as you say we feel like we are the Mommy.



Or the Daddy.

Bob Cool
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Nipper

Jim, all true, but all he wants is the physical..None of the other is of interest to him. Frowner
I could go for the other.. Smiler
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: lurk

quote:
Originally posted by Montanaman:
Any other spouse experience this?


I didn't answer as I didn't understand the question. Any other spouse experience having feelings like this? Yes, probably all of us. Any other spouse cut their spouse off? Obviously, not everyone. Feelings normal? Certainly.

Feelings always are ok. What we do about them is another question. I wish I could do what you have done. It would be so much easier, but I care about my husband's feelings more than mine--SO FAR--and suffer because of it. I suppose I am somewhere between you and SEmpens. I'm finding lately that if I plant my arm down firmly between him and me on top of the covers, he goes back to sleep. I think he might not even have been awake. Wishful thinking? Very likely.

I discovered on the morning of my surgery that he had been taking the little pink pills. He had told me that he wasn't, but then denied that he had said that. I said, "You can't do this after my surgery"--he said, "But it's your FOOT." As soon as his back was turned, I poured the pills out and hid them. When he discovered it, he hit the ceiling and threatened to throw away my pills. I needed my pain and nausea meds and was pretty helpless so I gave them back. I said, "You can take all you want, but I will be sleeping on the couch when you do." He said, "You can sleep on the couch NOW." I did that night, but it was stupidity on my part. I went back to the bed the next night, and he didn't bother me. He had forgotten all about it. A few days later he said, "I haven't taken any since . . ." I finished, "Since my outburst?" and he said, "Yes." He is very mild mannered these days. I just hope it lasts. I don't normally make such long paragraphs, but the subject matter is a little personal, so it's all hidden in this long paragraph.

I do think that nice people suffer more. I really do, but I may be presumptious about my niceness.

I am wondering, Montanaman, if you are feeling a little guilty or are sometimes feeling sorry for your husband or are subconsciously wondering if you should reconsider. Your depression answers some of the questions. Depression is a horrible feeling. I've had just enough touches of it to be grateful I don't have it. I wish you well, and I REALLY, REALLY wish SEmpens well. When you figure it out, sisters, let me know.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: SusanGS

Jim is right. Iam sorry you have been down,if you are not happy get out now things are only going to get harder.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: sf

I've been off line for a few weeks and just saw this. In our case, I think due to the meds he was on, my DH no longer had any interest in the physical part of our marriage. Just another loss to morne.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

Tell me, folks. What is sex? It can be a look. A thought. A simple caress. A moment of tenderness. So many ways to express a sexual and loving feeling. Sex can be something spiritual. Not even physical. --Jim
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Nipper

jfkoc, me too!!!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: mem724

Although my husband and I haven't had sex in years, It wasn't until his language began being compromised that I began to feel so empty and so alone. And that's when I began to mourn the loss of intimacy in all of its many definitions.
What i miss most is connection,that spark where two souls engage in a kind of silent conversation. We rarely do that anymore. But when we do, it is such a gift. The other night there was a gorgeous sunset. I called him onto the porch to see it and his face, usually a flat affect, lit up and he said "look at that!" We sat on the porch swing until it got dark, shoulders touching. That was a rare intimate moment.
When it was over I grieved again everything that has been lost over the last 11 years. As much as I rejoice in any connection, I hate the deep empty ache that comes when its over. I have often distanced myself emotionally and physically just to stay on an even keel. I think we have to do that.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Nipper

quote:
Jim is right. Iam sorry you have been down,if you are not happy get out now things are only going to get harder.

Susan if that was for me, I was just "whining". There are lots of good things still happening, so I am not going anywhere.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

I think one thing that helped me get that spark of real "in love" feeling and renewed attraction was looking back at old photos. You'd think it might just make me sad, "she's so different now" (44 years older, for one thing, so I'm different too!). But instead I thought "wow, no wonder I fell in love with her!"

Luckily she still thinks I'm beautiful, too, and we both feel in love as well as loving.

This hasn't been true the whole time since her MCI progressed to AD -- nor true the whole time we've been together -- so just be aware that things can change for the better at any time.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: jfkoc

Well I certainly do not agree with Mr Brode. What he defines, to me , is intimacy. Soemthing which I think can be more important than sex. I miss the intimacy!!!!
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

Expressions of intimacy happen to be forms of sex. Foreplay is sex. Intimate words can convey sex. Oh, so many, many ways to be sexual. Don't limit sex to a single physical act. I certainly don't. There's even a spiritual kind of sex. A divine sex. Thank gawd. Just as there are many kinds of love. Even unconditional love. But you gotta be a believer. In deep, deep love. Extraordinary love. --Jim
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Rose_Ro

quote:
Originally posted by Montanaman:
Hubby diagnosed 2 yrs ago after only 5 years of marriage.I began to feel like a mommy instead of wife.I asked him to move into spare bedroom. My Dr says my feelings are normal and OK.We live as best friends but not marital partners. Any other spouse experience this?


I can't imagine that physical comfort - and it doesn't have to be genital - does not help.

How very sad.

You don't have to sleep together, but being together is so important. I believe that when you marry ''two become one.''

I know my father's attention to my mom has helped her so much.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: SherylS

I think the meds took that all away.

He used to say "we used to do sex" and I just told him he used it all up when we were younger!

He's now at about a developmental age of 3-5yr and says that it's NASTY if he sees me naked.

I just smile and tickle him and make him blush. LOL He still likes to 'spoon'.

After 43yr. I finally get some rest Smiler
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: cloudspn

My husband wore me out years ago with being angry and not talking to me for 2 days if I had turned him down for sex. I grew to hate it with a purple passion and I still do. He can't perform anymore but still wants to try. I hate it so much and refuse. Now with the acusations that I'm having sex every night with the boyfriend makes it even worse.I still love him though.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Rose_Ro

quote:
Originally posted by LCB:
Mr. Sex Machine just announced that he's done with sex because he's tired of me having to be in the mood. I said, "Ain't life a bitch. I'm a woman. Besides, if the woman isn't in the mood, it's rape."

"Well, I'm done."

I'm still rolling on the floor laughing.

Seriously, I must have woke up with a target on my back this morning. Ye gads, it's been everything from sex to where things sit on the counter in the kitchen.

Today would be a good day to go shopping.


Do you really mean that? is that your thinking?

If every woman had to ''be in the mood,'' I doubt there'd be much hanky panky. It's kind of the job of the husband to help you be in the mood.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: LCB

Mr. Sex Machine just announced that he's done with sex because he's tired of me having to be in the mood. I said, "Ain't life a bitch. I'm a woman. Besides, if the woman isn't in the mood, it's rape."

"Well, I'm done."

I'm still rolling on the floor laughing.

Seriously, I must have woke up with a target on my back this morning. Ye gads, it's been everything from sex to where things sit on the counter in the kitchen.

Today would be a good day to go shopping.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Nipper

quote:
Today would be a good day to go shopping.

LOL-I hate shopping, but do love to spend my time in my garden. "My hands and my soul are happiest in the garden" my favorite quote from someone.. So when I can't take it anymore, off to the garden I go. Pull some weeds, water some plants and then I am a happy camper. Even more so when my DH joins me. He's fine if I just tell him what needs to be done in small stages.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Rose_Ro

Is this a phase for some ADLO's, where they don't have ''enough''? It reminds me of when they don't have enough food.

Does distracting help them?
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Cathy J. M.

quote:
Originally posted by mmcginnis:
As much as I rejoice in any connection, I hate the deep empty ache that comes when its over. I have often distanced myself emotionally and physically just to stay on an even keel. I think we have to do that.


I think this is a dangerous way to protect yourself -- one that can backfire and also rob you of more moments of joy. When a moment of intimacy is over, why not think about it afterward and savor it? Relive it in your memory?
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Rose_Ro

quote:
Originally posted by SEmpens:
Jim, all true, but all he wants is the physical..None of the other is of interest to him. Frowner
I could go for the other.. Smiler


I think as caregivers, we need space. So that is totally appropriate.

I think for a lot of ADLO's, they lose the subtleties of life at times. It's hard to express the more nuanced parts of love.

Work with them. Make sure you get the space and time you need, but love will get you through a lot in life. If I had a boring class, but a cute guy in it, it helped me get through the class Smiler
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: btucson

Nothing in 2 years. But, after 28 years of marriage it really isn't that big a deal. He smells and things don't function anymore. Sex is the least of our concerns.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

You achieve balance, McGinnis, by getting adequate respite. A 24/7 care-giver doesn't get adequate respite. When I became an 8-10 hour a day care-giver, and became part of a team that included professionals, I got my daily breaks. My balance. I was so much better. At everything. To be a 24/7 caregiver is cruel and unusual punishment. It is inhumane. It is torture. Not only was I better off. But so was Jeanne, too. I was able to exude good vibes. Virtually all of the time. Because I was proceeding at a humane pace. One must find ways to survive and thrive. It is necessary. Essential. A must. --Jim
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: LCB

quote:
Originally posted by Rose_Ro:
quote:
Originally posted by LCB:
Mr. Sex Machine just announced that he's done with sex because he's tired of me having to be in the mood. I said, "Ain't life a bitch. I'm a woman. Besides, if the woman isn't in the mood, it's rape."

"Well, I'm done."

I'm still rolling on the floor laughing.

Seriously, I must have woke up with a target on my back this morning. Ye gads, it's been everything from sex to where things sit on the counter in the kitchen.

Today would be a good day to go shopping.


Do you really mean that? is that your thinking?

If every woman had to ''be in the mood,'' I doubt there'd be much hanky panky. It's kind of the job of the husband to help you be in the mood.


Rose Ro, your response brought me up short and made me question whether I really think that. As for "rape" - I was just making a point. But I don't agree it is the husband's job to get us in the mood. True, it helps if they will cease the negativity and stop criticizing. At those times I'm so turned off I wouldn't care if I never saw him again. But the nature of this disease means he may switch gears in 5 minutes, and if I allow his previous behavior to dominate my thoughts, we would miss a lot. I try not to be jerked around by emotions, his or mine. I try to call up a spirit of generosity to get me started being willing. Doesn't always work, but if I depended on him to turn it around, he would have no clue how to begin. He would get frustrated, mad, impatient, feel rejected, etc. He does not have the capacity to understand that his actions are causing my reaction, or lack thereof. He would say I take things too seriously.*

When he went through a phase of not staying clean I thought it was all over. But I started kissing him on top of the head and going "whew... are you out of shampoo?" Worked like a charm. He started taking care of himself again so he wouldn't miss those kisses on top of his head. Being close and snuggling are so important to us both. I don't think he realizes he won't remember. But I will.

BTW, when I got home from shopping, he was contrite. *This is huge because after our rough morning, contriteness is a totally appropriate response. Until he got regulated on the meds (Namenda and Aricept) he never showed any normal emotion except anger. He believes the Seroquel is helping with that also.

I realize not everyone feels like I do. I just want to stay connected to him for as long as I can, and to do that I have to put a harness on those bad thoughts that make me want to give up on him.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Montanaman

quote:
Originally posted by mmcginnis:
Although my husband and I haven't had sex in years, It wasn't until his language began being compromised that I began to feel so empty and so alone. And that's when I began to mourn the loss of intimacy in all of its many definitions.
What i miss most is connection,that spark where two souls engage in a kind of silent conversation. We rarely do that anymore. But when we do, it is such a gift. The other night there was a gorgeous sunset. I called him onto the porch to see it and his face, usually a flat affect, lit up and he said "look at that!" We sat on the porch swing until it got dark, shoulders touching. That was a rare intimate moment.
When it was over I grieved again everything that has been lost over the last 11 years. As much as I rejoice in any connection, I hate the deep empty ache that comes when its over. I have often distanced myself emotionally and physically just to stay on an even keel. I think we have to do that.
I spend a lot of grief in what he used to be. He has extreme aphagia(sp) Lack of speech which was so important to us. I have this feeling that I would be taking advantage of him if I initiated sex. Its like I am the teacher and he is the mentally challenged student in my room. How can you take advan of someone who does not even know what they are doing or the sacredness of the sex act. It seems low and sleezey to me. I cannot bring myslef to do it. We had a good sex life before he started going downhill.I am a very religious woman and can live in a celibate manner. You would not be jumping in the bed with a women who was dying of MS or Cancer or any other disease. I guess I just feel guilty and do not want to.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: mem724

quote:
Originally posted by Cathy J. M.:
quote:
Originally posted by mmcginnis:
As much as I rejoice in any connection, I hate the deep empty ache that comes when its over. I have often distanced myself emotionally and physically just to stay on an even keel. I think we have to do that.


I think this is a dangerous way to protect yourself -- one that can backfire and also rob you of more moments of joy. When a moment of intimacy is over, why not think about it afterward and savor it? Relive it in your memory?


It's a tightrope walk, for sure.

Sometimes it is only in stepping back emotionally that I can recognize what is poignant, joyful, or even humorous in the moment and savor it. Whether it's the sunset I described earlier or watching him walk our daughter down the aisle last month, I have to disconnect a little bit so that I feel something more than loss. The times that I pull back are often in the middle of dealing with adjustment to new losses. Whether the loss of bowel control or the ability to understand or be understood, it takes a little objectivity to mentally make the adjustments needed to transition the both of us into the next "new normal."

It seems lately that these transitions are occuring more frequently. Would love to know how others achieve balance.
Anonymous
Posted: Tuesday, January 17, 2012 4:31 PM
Originally posted by: Jim Broede

I have discovered an intimacy of spirit that far exceeds anything physical. Nice to combine the two. But it's not necessary. One transcends it all. Into what one might term a spiritual orgasm. --Jim
 
× Close Menu