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Originally posted by: Jim Broede
You just do what you have to do. One day at a time. --Jim
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Joined: 1/14/2015
Posts: 40463
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Originally posted by: svandyck
Last year my husband had to be moved to a care facility. Since we have no LTC isurance we are paying for it out of savings and I am on a tight budget to make the money last. Fortunately I moved us both to a new community near family and where the cost of living is much lower. Now my friends in our old area want me to come to see them and I don't know how to say that I can't afford the trip or our old activities. Some have already visited me but still don't seem to understand my situation. I don't want to make them feel sorry for me, but I must live within my limits. How do I do this gracefully? Thanks.
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Originally posted by: FluffyChenille
I suggest you just be "honest". It's not something to be ashamed of. Actually the fact that you know your limits and have control over your finances is something to be proud of not so I would not hesitate to tell them that you are on a tight budget. You don't have to give them all the details.
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Originally posted by: JAB
I'd say exactly what you said to us. Fluffy is right, it's nothing to be ashamed of. And you may be doing them a service, by getting them to look at the possibility of being in the same situation you are some day.
However ... I'd also consult with an elder law attorney who has experience in Medicaid issues. You do not have to impoverish yourself to pay for your husband's care. You can look for an elder law specialist at:
http://www.elderlawanswers.com
http://www.naela.org/MemberDirectory/
http://www.nelf.org/
http://www.caring.com/local/elder-law-attorneys
Your local chapter of the Alz Assoc:
http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp
and your Area Agency on Aging:
http://www.aoa.gov/AoARoot/AoA...s/find_agencies.aspx
may also have lists of qualified attorneys. In any event, talk to both organizations to find out what programs and services are available where you live.
There may be a number of financial assistance programs you could tap into, to help pay for your loved one's care. There are some tools and helpful articles on how to find the programs for which you are eligible at:
http://alzheimers.boomja.com/F...ssistance-27304.html
And if you or your husband ever served in the armed forces, don't overlook the VA benefit "Aid & Attendance":
http://alzheimers.boomja.com/V...-Programs-49965.html
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Originally posted by: DLMifm
quote: Originally posted by svandyck:
Last year my husband had to be moved to a care facility. Since we have no LTC isurance we are paying for it out of savings and I am on a tight budget to make the money last. Fortunately I moved us both to a new community near family and where the cost of living is much lower. Now my friends in our old area want me to come to see them and I don't know how to say that I can't afford the trip or our old activities. Some have already visited me but still don't seem to understand my situation. I don't want to make them feel sorry for me, but I must live within my limits. How do I do this gracefully? Thanks.
Be proud!! you are being responsible! Don't feel ashamed or put down because you have a tight budget.
My challenge is how to handle this conversation when my wife tells friends/family I will be taking everyone out to a restaurant for dinner. And then pushes it and they accept the invitation.
DLM
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Originally posted by: lurk
Oh, yes, good question, and I don't know the answer. I don't have that problem; I'm the primary card holder. But when others ask for him, I call him and explain and have him tell them it's okay to talk to me. There are fewer of those times as I have most things in my name (not the house, unfortunately--I can't figure out how to get him to sign it over). I'm not sure that just telling them that he has dementia would convince them. Maybe you should try it and see how it works. Someone else will know the answer; they always do.
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Originally posted by: Carolina Songbird
quote: Originally posted by sammy123:
no, I mean when I have a question about the credit card bill they ask is the primary card holder available, and he's not. That is my question. Do I say he has dementia and doesn't handle or know about the finances anymore.
I have, then ask where I can fax my POA to them so we can discuss the business at hand. Usually goes quite well.
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Originally posted by: loveofmylife
no, I mean when I have a question about the credit card bill they ask is the primary card holder available, and he's not. That is my question. Do I say he has dementia and doesn't handle or know about the finances anymore.
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Originally posted by: loveofmylife
Does one have to call credit card people and explain dementia or just let it go. I have my own cards and I also have a card on my husbands major credit card. Just wondering what the responsible thing is to do. I paid all bills anyway but feel sort of deceitful. Just wondering.
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Originally posted by: lurk
svandyk, I just let people know that everything is more difficult these days. I don't mention money specifically. For me the extra time and energy is just as difficult. You can mention the added expense if you want or just be general.
Sammy, I don't understand your question, but can't see any need to notify them of anything, in fact, just the opposite. I think most loved ones just stop using the cards at some point. If you have a specific problem, then others can weigh in better than I. My husband wouldn't know how to use one now, but I think the sooner they don't have one to use, the better.
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Originally posted by: svandyck
quote: discussion
quote: discussion
Everyone - Thanks for your good sense and comments.. JAB - I've been the elderlaw route and that helped enormously and I would highly recommend it to others. My limits now are the result of a long-term plan to take care of myself.
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Originally posted by: jfkoc
I tell everyone who calls that my husband can not hear on the phone. If they need his permission I ask him near the phone so they can hear his permission.
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Originally posted by: Marp
quote: Originally posted by svandyck:
Last year my husband had to be moved to a care facility. Since we have no LTC isurance we are paying for it out of savings and I am on a tight budget to make the money last. Fortunately I moved us both to a new community near family and where the cost of living is much lower. Now my friends in our old area want me to come to see them and I don't know how to say that I can't afford the trip or our old activities. Some have already visited me but still don't seem to understand my situation. I don't want to make them feel sorry for me, but I must live within my limits. How do I do this gracefully? Thanks.
My mom is going through the tight money thing right now and she is very scared. She's also depressed because she can no longer do some things she used to love to do - send the grandkids presents, etc. She just doesn't have the money.
She's also scared of running out of money. We figure the savings will last another 2-3 years, then she'll be broke. She is so scared and I don't know how to take that away. My brothers & sisters & I help as much as we can, but we're afraid it's not going to be enough.
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Originally posted by: Starling
I am now down to one joint account with my husband. He is on my VISA card but not primary. There is no way to get him off an active card until he dies according to the bank.
His own VISA cards got marked inactive when they went inactive. When I explained what was going on and brought in the POA, they cancelled them so no one else could use them in error.
I'd explain to the bank what is going on. I'd take in a copy of the POA (which they will copy for their records). Except for that I'd leave stuff alone. If there are VISA cards in his name outside of the bank, I'd call them. If nothing else they can put a hold on them so no one can use them for their own protection.
The utilities are going to have to wait until he dies and then they will get a death certificate, but I'm not having any problems doing what I need to do with them, so it doesn't matter.
As for friends, I'd be open about what I can and can't afford so they can be sensitive to my issues. If they don't understand, you really don't need them in your life, do you?
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Originally posted by: Marp
I second that!
quote: Be proud!! you are being responsible! Don't feel ashamed or put down because you have a tight budget.
My challenge is how to handle this conversation when my wife tells friends/family I will be taking everyone out to a restaurant for dinner. And then pushes it and they accept the invitation.
DLM
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Originally posted by: svandyck
Marp -
Your mother's worry is understandable and I still fret sometimes about our finances. Many communities have low-cost or free consultations with an elderlaw attorney who may be able to make suggestions as to what legal options are available. Just having someone explain it all has been somewhat reasurring.
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