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when is it time to give up a house?
alz+
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 8:25 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 2821


I have a UTI and got antibiotics. The pain has eased already and the dose is for 5 days which is not so bad. As I recall it took me 2 - 3 weeks to feel myself after last dose of antibiotics.

Last night while asleep upstairs I got the sense I am going to have to walk away from this house. I can not think for 2 of us and be in charge of improvements. When Bill posted about his move to assisted living it felt so smart. I don't have that near me and I don't think I could afford even the most modest place.

My husband is not able to tolerate having to help me all day and at night I am on my own as I sleep upstairs. The dog is too much as she runs off visiting - cannot believe I am saying this - and having to hike around neighborhood looking for her to bring her home.

****

I am certain the UTI has knocked be backwards but the clarity of the sense last night, that I need more help than Keeper (Old Yeller) can provide. Last night I was so thirsty and had to figure out getting out of bed and getting water from bathroom.

The last thing I want is to feel like my life is oppressing someone else.

The tension has risen in the house as I needed more help on our 1 night road trip and I am seriously considering canceling my plan to go to my 50 year high school reunion because of his anger and the car lurches. It is a 6 hour drive and 2 overnights with dog in car, in heat? If he is in bad mood the trip is pointless.

Between Keeper and me nothing gets done here. I have asked my kids more than twice about helping me with a plan B and they say. "You have to come back to California," but not where, not how could I afford that, and not a sense either one of them would be free to visit much less help me day to day.

*****

I expect to get some function back when this is healed but it is progressing.

Anxiety comes from a sense if insecurity. As the brain begins to process information differently and behavioral habits get lost the body reacts with anxiety, a call for help.

Sometimes I note when I get started on doing something I cannot stop. This is interesting because I took apart the vacuum and ended up really cleaning the whole thing, could not have quit if I wanted to.I wonder if "running away" or "wandering" is similar but just once you start walking in one direction your body keeps going whether or not the mind wants to stop?



alz+
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 10:38 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 2821


where do we go to live if we can not stay in our houses?


jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 11:11 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 12555


I think that whenever money is a question or may be a question in care it would be wise to look into medicaid.

You are right. Moving to CA does not mean any attentiveness at all. I know where I want to live should I develop cognitive decline and they are no where I live now. Skilled care is the most important thing to me.

Today you are seeing problems ahead. The house being too great a responsibility for you and not feeling secure in your personal care. You have posted about this before so maybe your concerns come and go...the situation resolves. The UTI may have you feeling less stable too. But no. You can not be in charge of all.

If this is not the case I urge to look into Plans B and C. With those in place you may feel much less stress.

There may be more options for you than you think. If you want "company" looking for options I know your friends here would help. The computer is great at searching from wherever to wherever.

 


lisabramey
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 11:35 AM
Joined: 3/20/2015
Posts: 53


Dear Alz+,

Where to go is a good question.  Perhaps sell current residence and downsize. It could be where maintenance and upkeep are not you or keepers responsibility.

We will be moving closer to our son in rural Ga. Lower cost of living and since ALZHEIMER'S DEMENTIA has no cure rural medicine is just fine. I'm looking forward to the move. I'm ready yesterday.  

I might also suggest you allow yourself time to heal before any decision is made. Also where is keeper on his view of this situation?

I find that making any decisions has become increasingly difficult as my disaese progresses. Keep us posted. I care.

Lisa


alz+
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 11:57 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 2821


thanks for replies.

Lisa - who does the work of finding your new place in Georgia? did you do home search online?

it sounds like a good plan and that you are content with it.

*****

JFKoc - Keeper is unable to handle much of anything anymore. His own health is precarious, he seems relieved that I am considering finding a place to live alone.

After our short truncated discussion about this he has ignored me, I think he will relish separating. He is not going to step up any more than he has so far.

My choice of where to stay locally is very slim. There are 1 bedroom apartments in the tiny town I live near, are they for disabled? I can not drive or cook so food would be an issue. Selling the house and having it emptied is something I do not even want to witness.

*****

I soaked in hot bathtub and calmed down. I can say I did my best to make it easy for everyone so far, even though TODAY I can not imagine myself having a good time in a facility or other place, I would like to be able to do some sort of art some place and live where the cleaning and repair is someone else's problem.

I do not know how to make this happen.

 Insecurity = anxiety = lower cognition


lisabramey
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 1:03 PM
Joined: 3/20/2015
Posts: 53


Dear Alz+,

I do and hubby looks too. We figured our equity/profit then we started our search. Since we are waiting on our formal proposal from the state the amount of profit is our X factor if you will. From our inquiries we have learned it will be 1 1/2 to 2 years before property acquisitions for our road widening project begins. We will have legal counsel for this as our situation has challenging aspects.

I checked out the medical care in the rural area near our son as a retired nurse and we both stay current on real estate listings and are already  pre pre approved for our next home. It was a learning curve on the mortgage stuff . But we qualify for programs that require zero down and 100% financing if we choose.

 So yep it was work but we have to be ready or eirher be hit with EMINENT DOMAIN. WE CANT HAVE THAT. 

SO we keep up to date with a realtor, mortguage broker and state officials as well. Then I go to bed early. I rest as needed and hubby is there for me as well.

Hope this has helped you. 

Lisa


lisabramey
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 2:48 PM
Joined: 3/20/2015
Posts: 53


Dear Alz+,

If you will I qill tell you how I did it. I addressed one subject a day. Like talkingbbqbto the State then another say dealing with our mortgage broker and so on. This started around 9 or 10 am then my cut off time was 2 pm after 2 I deteriorate and become easily frustratedband forgetful. Hubby noted mt behaviors ans suggested the 2 pm cut off time. It works well.

Before bed I sometimes look at theRealtor.com pages for fun,  notes and dreaming on those million dollar listings ha ha 

This has enabled me to handle things hubby can't and he does the things I can't.

We call ourselves one hell of a team.

Lisa


jfkoc
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 5:57 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 12555


You have probably mentioned it but I did not remember that Keeper's health was a major factor in the conundrum. 

 In answer to your 10:38 post, people go to an apartment, condo, Independant living. When more care is needed they move to AL. It sound as if few of these options are available where you live. Do you know how far away they are? Having some idea about this may be very helpful to you. Would it not at least take away some of the worry? 

I would be happy to help you research some options closer than CA.

I hope going to the reunion will happen. If you start out and it becomes stressful can you turn back?

Glad the bath helped! Getting over the UTI/meds will make things calmer too.


Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 7:12 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14451


Alz+, I hear you.  I functioned so well on my cruise, because I was in my small cabin, and all I had to do was get myself showered and dressed and go down for breakfast.  I just had to show up for activities.  No cooking, no marketing, no housekeeping, no laundry, no driving.  Everything was taken care of, and I was surrounded by pleasant people--an ideal  world!


I came back to a home that, although small, still needs care and work, and with five cats to take care of.  Today there was a power outage off and on, so I had no lights or microwave or computer access until a few moments ago.  I know that the only way I can function in this home is to downsize extremely, and to simplify as much as possible!  My home is paid for, so I'm not going anywhere for the near future.  


Is your home paid for?  Could you live in it even without the repairs?  Even in the country you could get a woman to come out to cook and clean for you for a while, to give you time to make more permanent arrangements.  Perhaps your church could help?  Btw, I visited an Orthodox Church on my cruise, and learned things I didn't know before.


Figure out what your financial assets are, because that is what you will work with.  Medicaid can help.  You might think about a board and care home, aka family home, which is smaller and may accept your dog, although I don't think Medicaid pays for these.


Keep posting.  Members will have good ideas.


Iris L.

 


Mimi S.
Posted: Thursday, August 3, 2017 8:29 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 5500


Alz+,

My heart goes out to you.  You are stressed out.

Is it possible to either call our help line 1-800-272-3900 and ask to speak with a Care Consultant  or call your local chapter and ask if they have a social worker that can work with you.  You need someone who understands dementia. If you don't know your local chapter's phone #, call the help line and ask.  Whomever answers the call can get the # for you.

Then, the next step, would be to set a meeting with hubby and a social worker.  What plans for the future can be worked out?  This might take several meetings. 

You are thinking but making decisions for we PWDs is difficult. We need someone to help us consider the pros and cons of each plan.  Having some idea of your financial assets would be necessary.

Do keep us posted.


llee08032
Posted: Saturday, August 5, 2017 8:25 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3501


Alz+,

Have you considered a 55+ community? There are all different types of properties: condos, mobile homes and small houses. The further south you go the cheaper the property and cost of living.  You can do an online search with Trulia or some of the popular realtors. My friend bought a beautiful little home for about $65 k at On Top of The World in Florida and she loves the community, is involved in activities and has made quite a few new friends.

I bought a modest home in a 55+ community also though not in Florida. One can buy a really nice home where I live for about $150 k or even cheaper if your willing to rehab.

A 55+ community is not assisted living but we watch out for each other. If my neighbors do not see me for a couple of days they will knock to see if I am okay. My neighbors have brought me cooked meals, offered to go shopping for me and have even walked the dog. There is close access to medical care and resources for in home care, transportation for shopping and appts, a clubhouse, pool, gym and tennis court. 

My son who was living with me just moved out of state for a new job. The move may or may not be permanent. I am not on speaking terms with my other son so I am alone again. Just me & Bubby. But I feel safe here and if I need help or get lonely there are resources and friends to be made. 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Alz+))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Many hugs and much love to you! Hope you feel better soon.



llee08032
Posted: Saturday, August 5, 2017 9:18 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3501


I've been contemplating selling my 2 story house here in the 55+ community and buying a rancher for one floor living either here or somewhere close by. I decided (I think) that I want to stay here in this community and not live somewhere else close by in the outside community where I would be all alone. You are right Lisa none of these types of decisions are easily made for us! Bottom line selling my house and moving w/in this community would end up costing more money than I should spend at his point and time in my life. My little non-profit career has reaped me many fulfilling rewards but money is not one of them. 

 I may think about moving south after I cannot work anymore which I don't think is too far away in the future. Perhaps some of us should buy homes in the same community?

I've also been thinking about just staying put and getting a reverse mortgage? I know I really need to weigh out the pro's and con's but I am having a difficult time with that. Should I have to go into a nursing home on Medicaid the nursing home would get the house. Is a reverse mortgage a way to live off  some of the equity and not have a nursing home get the whole kit and caboodle?Just thinking...

Love to all 


Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, August 5, 2017 9:42 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14451


Ilee, reverse mortgages have been changed in the last few years.  But I believe that if you do not live in the home for 12 months, the reverse mortgage becomes due and the bank can repossess the home.  In other words, if you have to move to a nursing home or other facility, the bank gets the home.  But if you have a pile of cash from the reverse mortgage, that might pay for the bills for a year or two.  It bears investigating.  


I actually purchased a two story townhouse in 2005.  It turned out to be a bad decision for other reasons, but I don't think I could have managed the constant stair-climbing.  I live on the second story now, but once I am upstairs in my home, I am okay.  


Having neighbors who will look out for you is a tremendous asset in a home.  I don't have that here.


Iris L.


Jo C.
Posted: Saturday, August 5, 2017 9:52 AM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 7788


Hello alz+; this must be a difficult situation for you right now and thinking about a plan for the future is a good thing to do.  This is a bit long, so you may want to read it in bits if it runs together. 

The most important thing would be to look at the true realities of what you are able to do for yourself on a consistent basis and also, what your finances will permit you to do.  The setting you choose is so important it cannot be stressed enough.  That will make all the difference between success and failure.

Being accepted into a facility or apartment is one thing; staying there is quite another, so it does take a lot of practical reality based thinking; this is one of those situations in which it would be very helpful to have someone help you with problem solving and developing possible plans that are actually sustainable. 

 Sustainability is extremely important and key to all else.

 You have shared that Keeper would not be going with you.   You have also shared that you are fairly dependent upon much assistance.  When you mention the difficulty of being able to get out of bed at night to get a glass of water, that is a hint at what level of living needs to be looked at.

There will be need to do EVERYTHING for oneself in an apartment in the community or in a completely independent living setting.  Groceries, cleaning, cooking, laundry, transporation, etc., etc.

Being that there are already significant periods of not being able to fulfill all these needs, and some are already permanent needs, that would eliminate the idea of getting a regular indpendent apartment somewhere in the community.  That would leave you with no backup and from what your posts have indicated, it would probably not be sustainable.

Because there is support needed, the best setting in such a situation would be an "apartment" in an Assisted Living setting.  You would have meals provided, housecleaning done, laundry done, and you can make arrangements for other assistance as the need arises.  But who will help with the oversight and special needs that do arise; and there will be that sort of assistance needed sooner or later or at intervals that cannot be provided by the Assisted Living staff.

NOTE:  As has been mentioned, moving next to one's adult children does not guarantee attentiveness . . . BUT  . . . there will be someone there if there is an emergency or when a significant problem arises there will be someone who cares who can address matters.   I think your adult kids may be in SoCal, but I could have that wrong.

Your daughter as I recall, comes to visit about twice a year.  She seems to really care and you have mentioned enjoying some of those visits.  Would it not be worth thinking about to move near where she lives?   That does not mean she would be your primary carer, but she would be there if something unforeseen happens.  And sadly, dementia does progress and being near a family member will make such changes much easier to get managed when there is someone to advocate or see to it that care is set in place if you cannot, and who can make emergency medical decisions if you cannot.

In the past, you have had multiple intervals where this subject of moving and leaving Keeper behind has come up.  Perhaps the kids are not taking this seriously at this moment as it does not seem concrete to them because it has never panned out. 

Why not contact your daughter and let her know this is now a serious matter and ask her for input and help in problem solving.  She can even screen living spaces for you where she lives and send them to you online.  Of course she can also screen facilities online for your area too. 

As for staying in Michigan, it may be as you say, that there are no appropriate living settings near your rural area, but there WILL be such settings a bit away in the next community over or so.   Why not use your computer to look for such facilities nearest you if you want to stay in that state?   Just take a look online at what is available, what they look like, what they provide.  If you find anything of interest, you can always call and inquire about costs and fees.   If you like what you see online and hear in your call, then you an make a visit in person.

This sort of thing can be scary.  Looking does not mean you are going to do anything; it just means you are educating yourself and knowledge is power.

If you have limited funds, then you will need to speak to a professional regarding Medicaid coverage in Michigan, or Medi-Cal coverage in California depending on what state you decide upon.

You will need to know if Medicaid covers Assisted Living facilities in each state as some states cover that level of living and other states only cover NHs.   Once you know what your financial capabilities are for cost coverage, and what Medicaid covers, then you will know what direction to head.

NOTE:  If Medicaid will cover Assisted Living, and you will need to use Medicaid, then look ONLY at those facilities that accept Medicaid; not all do.

You can contact the Alz Asssn. Helpline at (800) 272-3900 and ask to speak to a Care Consultant; they can help with problem solving and they can also provide you with the number of your local Assn. office that may have listings of facilities that may suit.

You can also call a large Senior Center in a nearby town and ask to speak to a Social Worker if they have one; or you can contact your state's Agency on Aging and ask for a Social Worker.  In some instances, there will be a Social Worker who can come to the house and do an intake assessment and help with problem solving.

 For myself when I think of this; there is a not for profit facility setting near where I live.  They have an excellent reputation. They have Independent Living, Assisted Living, Memory Care and Nursing Home levels; one can be sure that as things change one will be able to have care as required.   This would be my choice when my time comes. 

 The Assisted Living apartments have a living room, a small kitchen with cupboards, microwave, refrigerator and space for a small table and chairs; there is a living room, a good sized bathroom and bedroom.

They provide three meals per day as well as between  meal snacks.  One goes to a central dining room for meals and they also have  a lot of activities and opportunity to socialize as much as one wishes.  It is separate from the Memory Care and NH settings.

 The cost of this is, $4,000/month.  In our area, that is quite reasonable.  I would imagine their NH area is a bit pricier, but they also have a contract with Medi-Cal for that if one runs out of assets.

This is a difficult decision to make.  Change can be SO difficult and the future can seem pretty dicey, but many have made such a move and been very happy they did.  If a home does not have to be sold, one could move into Assisted Living and after four months or so if one does not like it, one can reverse course.

 I send best, warmest wishes to you and also a soft hug.   You are making an important decision for yourself and I rather hope you will include your daughter in some conversation regarding your thoughts.

 J.


BlueSkies
Posted: Monday, August 7, 2017 1:41 PM
Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 895


Lots of great advice and words of comfort for you alz+.  I just wanted to add that I am praying for you and sending you lots of love and hugs. 

I believe you will find what you need and what will work best for you.  You are tough and a survivor and very resourceful too!  Please keep on posting and letting us know how you are. 

Love, BlueSkies


alz+
Posted: Thursday, August 10, 2017 5:06 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 2821


glad I read the advice here today.

My husband's health has been second fiddle to my problems but yes, he is dealing with very serious health problems.

Our house would be hard to downsize from as it is very small. We made progress on cleaning, the septic tank was off gassing and Keeper got it pumped. We found some stuff in basement that smelled and got rid of it.

So it smells better. Any money I put in my house is just to make it livable. You can buy a house around here for $25,000. We have a very easy life here - no traffic. Can not imagine moving to a different town and not having more problems with  getting lost etc.

My kids have not responded to requests for help making a Plan B.

I think our president making war threats is adding to my anxieties. I try to avoid news but if I could use my life to prevent some atrocity I would. what ever.

My friend who has been visiting from Texas is looking for a house. We discussed sharing a duplex in town but that now seems crazy. I don't want to spend everything on icky assisted living or a nursing home.

I had severe pain under my right ribs in past month that made me want to die, boned up on how to die from no food or water, then figured out it was NOT post shingles pain but a blockage. I fixed it myself, it wasn't pretty or easy but I am walking again.

I do not expect either of my children to help much. My daughter in law is esp happy to have me far away and now the feeling is mutual.

so for now both Keeper and I are able to walk and talk. I will keep imagining different scenarios. 

thanks Lisa for explaining how you found a new place etc. thanks to everyone.



julielarson
Posted: Friday, August 11, 2017 2:05 AM
Joined: 9/30/2015
Posts: 1100


Alz, I have no advice .... Just Hugs...
chrisp1653
Posted: Friday, August 11, 2017 3:31 AM
Joined: 1/23/2017
Posts: 558


Julie L, You know, I mean KNOW, that sometimes a person doesn't need a bunch of lip flapping, just a big ol' hug. That says things that words can never express. So I believe you were spot on .

 

Chris


obrien4j
Posted: Saturday, August 12, 2017 6:46 PM
Joined: 11/18/2016
Posts: 331


Alz+, it just breaks my heart that you're dealing with all of this. I know we all can give you advice, but you know your situation better than anyone else. To answer your question on the post...it's time to walk away from a house when the conditions inside that house are not conducive to positive self-esteem, personal safety, and your general well -being. I guess everyone has their limits. I'm getting ready to walk away from my third house and it's killing me. This is one house that I have really loved and one that I thought would bring unity to my family.

If you need help Alz+ doing the research, I will be more than happy. I love that sorta thing. Hey, look into San Miguel de Allende, Mexico! It's considered I believe, the #1 place to retire in the world! Lots of ex-pats living ONLY on their SS check. Check it out Alz+-im going with my daughter next week! Hugs!


Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, August 12, 2017 7:32 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14451


obrien4j wrote:

Hey, look into San Miguel de Allende, Mexico! It's considered I believe, the #1 place to retire in the world! 

How's the medical situation for Americans, since we can't use Medicare?  And how much Spanish is needed?


Iris L.

obrien4j
Posted: Saturday, August 12, 2017 9:20 PM
Joined: 11/18/2016
Posts: 331


Of course, that is a very important factor before making any kind of decision, at least in my case, because of the dementia. I don't know if it would end up being my final resting place- I lived in Mexico City fir 20 years, got my residency but couldn't wIt yo get back to the States. I swore jokingly, that I'd never retire in Mexico!

Mexico in general, has some fabulous doctors, many bilingual and trained in the US. With approximately 10-000-20000 ex pats, you better believe that their physician s would be bilingual and very well trained. I personally had the best doctors! You will get more personalized service from a dr there than in the States, however a lot of doctors charge cash, but the expense is less. A visit with a specialist can cost $35 dollars approximately, TOTAL! So it's really something to look into...in fact I just saw a place called Cielito Lindo, I believe an assisted living community, that services memory care.

Of course, it would be beneficial to know the language but I don't think it's absolutely necessary in a place like San Miguel with so many Americans living there. 

It's worth researching 


alz+
Posted: Monday, August 14, 2017 8:05 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 2821


I have re and re-read the comments here and appreciate all the effort put into giving me options.

San Miguel is one of my favorite places in world - that I have not gotten to visit. I am so envious! yes it has a huge ex-pat community and gorgeous but was always difficult to get to. Maybe that has improved now, however being hard to get to was what made it wonderful.

*******

Jo C - I am very rattled today as meltdown chemicals are still flooding my body. Because I could function so well with the cbd oil at home, I thought it would transfer. Found out that over stimulation from traffic, noise, smells, new places, etc is enough to reduce me to pre-oil condition and worse.

so my illness progressed ? and living alone is now enough to trigger major anxiety which means non function.

the variety in answers on boards is very helpful - across a spectrum because one of them will hit it on the head and the rest will mean something on another day.

The reunion turned into an overwhelming experience of grieving my life. That town was not a good fit for me ever, too many memories of abuse and cruelty. I kept thinking "what can I do to calm myself that would be worth sharing?" 

I am not speaking today, letting myself have Good Cry Day. I am laying down the burden of trying to find a place for me to live.

Not doing anymore with  house. Not doing anything more than walking with dog and going to bed. Letting go is the next stop on this train and it is starting to look like a vacation. I just cannot care about this stuff anymore. I can not take care of keeper.

I want my happy peaceful state back. I think what is left is quite short.


obrien4j
Posted: Monday, August 14, 2017 8:31 AM
Joined: 11/18/2016
Posts: 331


Leave it all in Gods hands alz+, he'll work it out for you. Try to be at peace despite everything going wrong around you. Sleep heals the body, the mind and the soul. And crying cleanses it . Much love!
Iris L.
Posted: Monday, August 14, 2017 2:08 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14451


Your current home can become your refuge, Alz+.  At least for now, get your needed rest and regroup another day.


Iris L.


obrien4j
Posted: Tuesday, August 15, 2017 12:29 PM
Joined: 11/18/2016
Posts: 331


Alz+,

You fly into Leon, Guanajuato and it's about an hour's drive to San Miguel. It's definitely worth the look. Hang in there, friend. 


 
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