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Depressed
llee08032
Posted: Monday, August 7, 2017 10:38 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


My youngest son had to move for a new job. He's been living with me for the past year and helping me around the house, with shopping and with the dog. We get along well and I really enjoy his company and loved having him here. He is several hundred miles away. My granddaughter is moving Wednesday. Both Bubby and I are missing my son. The stress = another shingle breakout and feeling crappy from antiviral meds. I was adjusted to living by myself prior to his moving back in. Now I have to adjust to living by myself again. I didn't feel all alone when I was living by myself before but that's the way I'm feeling now.

There's nothing I can do but adjust again and figure out how to simplify my life around living alone again.


julielarson
Posted: Monday, August 7, 2017 11:22 AM
Joined: 9/30/2015
Posts: 1149


llee, big hugs to you.. This is a lot to adjust to.. you can do it.. just do it slowly and take your time to adjust and be ok with it all.. I too am having a hard time but it is not as life changing as what you are going through.. I have to adjust to my LO's changing work schedule and even woke up this morning to an announcement that he will not be home tomorrow like we had thought and will have to work another three days to get two off.. It was bad enough that he did not have the weekend off and had Monday and Tuesday off instead.. Adjustments! Honey we love you and will be here for you as you work out your situation.. Big hugs again.

 


BlueSkies
Posted: Monday, August 7, 2017 1:28 PM
Joined: 2/24/2016
Posts: 970


Sorry llee that you are having to adjust to being alone again.  It is so nice when we get to spend time with our kids and grandkids.  When they leave, the quiet can be so depressing at times.  Since he lived with you, I imagine his absence is felt much more.   My heart goes out to you because I somewhat know how you feel.  I miss my kids terribly.  They both live so far away and are so busy that they have little time to take off to come visit.  I have two grandchildren that I have not seen in years.  It is heart breaking.

 

 I would like to share an experience I had once because I think it might help you here.  When my first husband left me and my kids without warning, I became very ill because I loved him and I felt he was my whole world.  I went into a deep spiral of depression and had to be hospitalized.  My ex took advantage of this and got a lawyer and gained custody of my children while I was hospitalized.  It took me years to get over my depression due to having my kids taken from me.  I cried myself to sleep at night thinking of them and remembering how they felt in my arms and their sweet smell as we cuddled.  It was devastating to me to be alone after having a wonderful family and being so happy before.  I thought I would never be able to cope alone.  I cried myself to sleep one night and as I drifted off to sleep I begged God to please help me cope with this longing for my kids that was destroying my life.  I had a dream that night that my two children and I were standing in line to get on a ride at the fair.  The ride was a glass like elevator that would go way up in the sky and had a platform at top where you could see everything.  On the way up the sights were amazing.  Anyway, as we approached the front of the line, my two kids got on the glass elevator and as I went to step in the elevator the man running the ride told me there was not enough room and I would have to wait for it to come back down.  I was horrified and kept telling the man that my kids were on there and I had to go with them.  He would not listen and the elevator went up without me.  As I stood there sobbing without my kids, an old man came up to me and started patting my back and telling me all was well and to not worry.  He said "your kids are going to have a beautiful ride and so will you".  He said it was not important that we ride together in the elevator, that we would reunite at the top and share all that we saw on the way up.  He assured me the reunion would be wonderful and the short separation would not mean much in the end.  I immediately woke up after this and I knew this was a message sent to me by God, not just a dream.  And what a wonderful message it was!  I knew that no matter what separates us from our loved ones in life that it is only a short separation and that we will have eternity to share when it is all over and that all that we experience will be shared and enjoyed together in the end. 

I know you will see your son again llee, as I did my kids, but the message God sent me helped me to cope then and still does whenever I am missing a loved one.  I hope the message he sent will help you too.

Saying a prayer for you llee, that God will comfort you as you adjust to your new living situation.

Lots of love to you, BlueSkies


Iris L.
Posted: Monday, August 7, 2017 4:25 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14625


Oh, Ilee, when it rains, it pours! You have so much to contend with now!  I am praying for God to comfort you and to strengthen you and to meet your needs and for swift healing from the shingles and to lift your spirits.  When we are hit with a blow, we have to sit back and regroup and give ourselves time to recover.  Your home sounds lovely.  I was just thinking yesterday about how your neighbor looks out for you when she doesn't see you for a few days.  I don't have that where I live.  


Yes, living alone is hard.  Every day is a challenge for me as a solo.  I hope that your son will thrive in his new job and new home, and your granddaughter will thrive also.  With the new technology, you will be able to keep in touch frequently.  It won't be the same, but it will help.   In the meantime, we are here for you, Ilee!


  {{{{{{{{ Ilee }}}}}}}} 


Iris L.


grandmalynda
Posted: Monday, August 7, 2017 5:06 PM
Joined: 12/3/2016
Posts: 376


((((((llee)))))). I do understand the heartbreak that can occur during an upsetting life change.  You are loved and will receive unending support here.

--Lynda


lisabramey
Posted: Tuesday, August 8, 2017 9:11 AM
Joined: 3/20/2015
Posts: 63


Llee,

Thinking of you.

Lisa


llee08032
Posted: Wednesday, August 9, 2017 7:57 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Thank you ((((((((((((((((all))))))))))))))

Woke up crying. Bones hurting. Tempted to call off work but already called off on Monday. I am scheduled off this Friday, Monday and Tuesday. Big pity party planning in place. Love to all


alz+
Posted: Thursday, August 10, 2017 4:00 PM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 2972


L llee -

this is really a tough situation. I am so sorry  - nothing like having stress give you shingles, again, to make it worse.

This past week I have been trying to  get my body functional enough to go to high school reunion this weekend. The tension gave me another intestinal blockage, the s.hakes, and then a UTI, then antibiotic sickness and side effects.

Like Alzheimer's isn't quite enough to handle? Someone asked me how I was doing as I tried to walk dog bent over in half holding my stomach. I said I was "enjoying nature making me WANT to die".

Seems like piling on shingles is in that category. I will add you to my prayers, all of us are in my prayers.

By the way,  I was told my rib pain was post shingles pain. Then after 2 weeks of it I remembered a nurse at an ER when I had this years ago told me (after doctor said they could find nothing) there was an impaction in my large intestine and to try to "clear that out". It took me a week or more but I finally got things working again.

Wish I lived near by. Doing this alone is really hard, and when my kids visit on occasion, once a year if lucky, when they leave I am a wreck. All of this is hard. 

Love you, hope you get some time off work. Are you sticking in the job another year?

really sad to hear you are getting hammered.


llee08032
Posted: Friday, August 11, 2017 9:46 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Love you all so much!!!! At least I have 5 days off work. Overwhelmed with things I need to get done while off, shopping, car inspection, Dr and vet appt's. Ugh! I am preparing to let myself down by not getting everything done. The roof will not cave in and I need a respite. 

Next month is the 2 nd another year anniversary that I have managed to keep working. Still trying to hang but I am no longer feeling another year. Maybe a few or more months a day at a time or my best shot.  My friend who is still in the diagnostic process has been a great source of moral support. The blind leading the blind is not such a bad thing. She and all of you are holding up my head above water. 

Keeping all of you in my prayer and thoughts...


Iris L.
Posted: Friday, August 11, 2017 2:31 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14625


Stay ENCOURAGED, Ilee!  You've made  remarkable accomplishments over this time.  One day at a time is what keeps us going!  You are a great Dementia Pioneer!


Iris L.


llee08032
Posted: Saturday, August 12, 2017 9:35 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


((((((Iris))))),

That was just what I needed to hear! Thank you!

I got some shopping and banking done yesterday. Trying to spice up Bubby's  palate by adding dog food with salmon, beef and vegetables to take his mind off missing my son.


Iris L.
Posted: Saturday, August 12, 2017 7:18 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14625


Ilee, are you one who cooks for her dog?  One of my cousins cooked up some ground beef every night to spice up her two boxers' canned dog food.


It's great that you got your errands done yesterday.  I hope you have a chance to relax this weekend, and that the shingles is resolving.  

 

Iris L.
alz+
Posted: Wednesday, August 16, 2017 8:26 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 2972


are people using anti-depressants?

I take zoloft 20mg at bedtime and believe it supports my mental/emotional state.

when I was diagnosed and had to have my meds switched at psychiatrist office it took 8 weeks, I was on suicide watch during that time and did remote visits twice a week with him. I did not think it would help but it did and when I tried going off them I deteriorated. 

When people are sunk in depression they often reject medication.

This is not really what L lee is saying about herself, she is reacting normally to losses and changes and the pressure of keeping up with job and house and having a life.

I do not know how L lee is able to hold down such a responsible position except that she is so skilled at it.

love you all


llee08032
Posted: Thursday, August 17, 2017 7:15 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Dog getting over the runs from me trying to spice up his diet! I am on anti-depressant and see this mood change as a natural reaction to losses, utter exhaustion and trying to figure out life on my own again. Shingles are subsiding. I am treating myself to having the house cleaned today. I have been cleaning on my own over the last six months and that on top of working drains me. 
grandmalynda
Posted: Thursday, August 17, 2017 10:06 AM
Joined: 12/3/2016
Posts: 376


Good for you llee.  What a nice way to treat yourself.  Relax and enjoy it, you deserve it!!

--Lynda


Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, August 17, 2017 1:28 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14625


It's great that you're doing better, Ilee, both you and your four-legged companion!  A clean house can change your perspective.  Good for you!


Iris L.


lisabramey
Posted: Thursday, August 17, 2017 2:16 PM
Joined: 3/20/2015
Posts: 63


Llee,

A house keeper sounds delighful. Glad you are treating yourself.  This transition has been tough, bless your heart. Take care.

Lisa


alz+
Posted: Friday, August 18, 2017 5:19 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 2972


Great idea to have your house cleaned, benefits you and the person working. A clean house is heaven.  (I remember what it was like)

You seem cheerful for having shingles - did you find a med that works?

How is the dog doing? I worry about being able to provide care for our current dog - she must have fed herself on streets before we got her because she goes through the garbage cans in the house and hunts outdoor junk like I hunt rocks.

Lucky for her it all comes out on the side of the road for later amazed inspection. Yikes!



llee08032
Posted: Monday, August 21, 2017 8:09 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Alz+,


When I get a full blown shingles outbreak it is horrid because I get them on my nose and right side of my face and it has left me with scars. I've even had blisters in my eyes before. I take Valacyclovir, 1000 mg per day as soon as I feel even a slight tingle, itch, or burning sensation. I started taking the antiviral over two weeks ago when I felt burning sensation. This outbreak so far led to tiny blisters on my nose with burning. I just have some marks now from where the blisters were. I feel crappy from antivirals but will take them for another week at least. I heard if you stay on low dose it can help prevent or lead to less severe outbreaks. Additionally, when I get super stressed I take antiviral also for about a week. It's like trying to avoid the plague for me and fearing an outbreak equals more stress.

Pushed myself to get some things done this w/e. Still depressed. It just is what it is and it's okay to not be okay. Forgiving myself for being depressed.

alz+
Posted: Monday, August 21, 2017 9:45 AM
Joined: 9/12/2013
Posts: 2972


Not being depressed about being depressed.

One of my unhelpful habits is thinking I "ought to be" _____.

Pretending is exhausting. Not every time we grieve is depression, there has to be some space for feeling what is or we would go crazy.

I seem to get shingles every January and I also hate the feeling of an anti viral. But they do seem to end it sooner. When someone else has them I swear I feel mine dancing.

If I learn anything helpful from Hospice visit tomorrow I will report.

Waiting for plumber to call me about sewer gas smell in the house, it is always something I don't want to deal with. Oy vey!


Iris L.
Posted: Monday, August 21, 2017 3:25 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14625


Unfortunately, I have no experience with shingles, so I don't have advice in that regard.  But I do have much experience with depression.  Whatever you have been able to accomplish, Ilee, consider it a TRIUMPH!  Depression makes us crawl into a figurative hole and cover our heads and do nothing.  So anything we can do is an antidote to depression!  It's important to take baby steps and check accomplishments off on your list.  I am doing the same right now.  "Yea" for each checkmark!  


Keep doing what you're doing.  Healing is slow, but it is happening!


Iris L.




llee08032
Posted: Wednesday, August 23, 2017 8:04 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


I think I'm up to three or four different disabilities that might qualify me for early retirement. Back feels like it is caving in. Last MRI/scan years back showed fractures and bulging herniated discs with mild scoliosis. Leg pain with numbness and giving out. I do not take pain meds. Lest not we forget the malfunctioning and impaired brain. 

Sometimes I feel like working with disabilities physical, mental and neurological is enough and all I can do. The thought of making time for doctoring and more tests overwhelms me but I have to start somewhere. Too much on my plate managing work. I do not have to be a freaking super hero. 

I'm afraid of grieving my work and the persons that I've worked with for years now. Afraid of poverty. Perhaps it is cowardice and greed that's kept me working? Perhaps it's a control issue? I've tried to teach others to do my job and they just don't seem to grasp fully the professional responsibility part of the work or take being responsible for the safety and well being of others seriously enough. If I could just find someone to groom that gives a crap they might be teachable.

I'm at a crossroads and not sure what direction to head!


Mimi S.
Posted: Wednesday, August 23, 2017 8:21 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 6040


Llee, Take care. We are all thinking of you.
Iris L.
Posted: Wednesday, August 23, 2017 2:21 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14625


Ilee, you're in turmoil, and you're trying to make the right decisions.  You are strong.  Whatever happens, you will face it head-on and go forward.


Iris L.


obrien4j
Posted: Saturday, August 26, 2017 9:21 AM
Joined: 11/18/2016
Posts: 415


Llee, I admire your strength! Looking back, I wouldn't of lasted another school year-if I did, it would of been hell for me and my family. I was scared too- still am- but there comes a time when you've got to put yourself first. It sounds like work is becoming overwhelming - you will know when it's time to hang up your hat- with grace and dignity, knowing that you kicked ass at that place! Leaving, or retiring, made me see that this is real- while I didn't say anything, I could pretend pretty well, that I was fine. But the pressure began to build up and this black cloud was following me everywhere. I felt such a relief when I finally came to the decision of retiring- granted, it is not the WooHoo retirement I would of liked, nor am I travelling the world in a boat or an RV like my colleagues. When I think of the reason behind it, it makes me very sad- but nothing will change that diagnosis. Nothing will change the course of this disease. The only thing I'm trying to do is live the best life ever- no bs- finally learning to live with a grateful and loving heart. I even surprise myself with my reactions to others-it's like I'm a totally different person. It took dementia to make me appreciate life. 

I retired because I have dementia, I retired because it's just gonna get worse. But in the meantime, I can deal with this-as you can- as best as we can-maybe not like before.  I am not losing my mind today- and probably not tomorrow and neither are you. You are not a Superhero llee- you are doing the very best you can with the situation- and personally, I think you're kicking butt. 


llee08032
Posted: Saturday, August 26, 2017 10:05 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Ahh... the sweet sound of your voices carry me through and come just when I need them!

I find myself expended and at a loss for words right now but I'm hearing you all, taking it in and listening.


jfkoc
Posted: Saturday, August 26, 2017 8:40 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 13474


been thinking of you today...glad you checked in
llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, August 29, 2017 7:40 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Severe bouts of stabbing pain in my lower left back. Not the usual back aching pain. No burning but feeling pressure when urinating. Maybe had UTI and turned into bladder or kidney infection or kidney stones? Also itching severely w/o any hives or bumps. Took the strong antihistamine and slept for over 12 hours. I am going to urgent care to get urine tested and get out of work. Will make appt with APN for labs and somewhere to start with health issues. 

Love to all


llee08032
Posted: Tuesday, August 29, 2017 7:45 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Appt to get upstairs carpet cleaned Thursday. Checking out costs for getting air vents cleaned to cut dust have clean air, less dusting and simpler living. 
julielarson
Posted: Tuesday, August 29, 2017 11:54 AM
Joined: 9/30/2015
Posts: 1149


llee I hope they get the health issues fixed.. I think it is a wonderful idea to have the ductwork cleaned out.. I am sure we need to do that ourselves. We have central air here and it is very dusty.. How are you doing with your son moving out for his job? Have a wonderful day llee!
llee08032
Posted: Wednesday, August 30, 2017 6:59 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Dx from urine is UTI, bladder or kidney infection? They will call with the culture results. On antibiotic and out of work until next Tuesday. 
llee08032
Posted: Sunday, September 3, 2017 9:53 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Scheduled duct and vent cleaning. House cleaner to do all woodwork doors and windows. Going to power wash shutters and siding myself. Cleansing...
llee08032
Posted: Sunday, September 3, 2017 9:55 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Itching subsided 70% as soon as I started antibiotic.
llee08032
Posted: Saturday, October 7, 2017 9:46 AM
Joined: 5/20/2014
Posts: 3883


Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Major family crisis. I just cannot even begin to talk about it. Very sad...
obrien4j
Posted: Saturday, October 7, 2017 1:16 PM
Joined: 11/18/2016
Posts: 415


I am so very sorry llee, that you’re going through this and will keep you in my prayers. Lots of hugs sent to you.
 
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