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Spouse or Partner Caregiver Forum
Fiasco at Driver License Office (DPS)
DH’s doc stated he’s not safe to drive. She sent a letter to DPS saying he was unsafe. He was persistent about getting his license. I won’t provide the details of the very long horrible encounter at the DL office today. It was horrible for everyone involved.
Now I am locked out of my home. I have nowhere to go.
I’m assuming he didn’t get his dl. If that’s why you are locked out then you may have saved lives today.
While not perfect, my DW’s loss of driving was easier than feared.
Best wishes for you in the coming days.
Do you have any relatives nearby that might talk him into unlocking the door? If not, probably the Police is the best bet. When you do get in, if you have an extra house key, keep it with you; if not, have one made.
I do hope you've gotten all the weapons out of the house - and ammunition. Also knives and any other sharp objects. A person can't get rid of all weapons because anything can be used as a weapon.
I hope you're safe tonight. Please let us know.
We are with you in spirit, Lady Texan. Glad to hear that you are safe... if things don't change by tomorrow, you should call the police. Make sure that there is nothing in your home that could be used as a weapon, and make sure, always, that you have your cell phone and a safe place. Please keep us posted!
Glad you're safe. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
My fear is that contacting the police will further escalate an already horrible situation. DH does not respond well to authority. However, if I thought he was a danger to himself I would do it.
I understand the importance of getting the weapons out of the house. He has slowly been finding homes for his gun collection. But a few remain in the apartment.
He blames me for him not getting a license today. This is the biggest blowout so far. I cannot imagine the wrath if I tried to eliminate the guns too.
I hope the shelter calls soon.
The shelter was full. I tried to sleep in my car but that felt scary. Now I’m in a hotel one town away.
I am so sad. DH is so mad. All I want is him to be happy and safe. I am exhausted and heartbroken. I am safe.
Spouses are the first victims of deranged /demented gun owners. He can and will kill you.
People who chose to have guns cannot chose to have caretakers.
7LICENSE TO CARRY A HANDGUN LAWS
You cannot get a gun license in TExas if
(5) diagnosis at any time by a licensed physician that the person suffers or has suffered from a psychiatric disorder or condition consisting of or relating to:(A) schizophrenia or delusional disorder;(B) bipolar disorder;(C) chronic dementia, whether caused by illness, brain defect, or brain injury;(D) di
I am so very sorry! I truly understand how awful this situation is!! I've lived a different version of the same story. Anger directed at me, because the state revoked DH drivers license. It was devastating to him and in his mind, I took away his license. He was driving on a revoked license for almost two months before I even found out. I had to tell DH (in the morning, when he was mostly "himself") that I would never again be on the receiving end of his raging verbal and emotional abuse. With as much direct calmness as I could muster, told him I would not live in the same home with him and be subjected to ANY form of abuse. And I meant it. He is medicated to help control his anger.
This is truly awful for you and you really need to call the police for intervention. Please. Don't go back to your home alone.
Thank you all for your wisdom. I contacted our social worker. He is connecting me to the mobile outreach team. They are specially trained in mental health crisis situations. I will not return to the apartment without an escort. I cannot care for a man that is a risk to my safety.
My heart is broken. I love DH. He is in so much pain. This is not his fault. It is so unfair. I want him to be happy and safe and to know he is loved.
LadyTexan, I am crying with you. I know it is very hard for you and you are right it is not his fault. But at the same time you are protecting him as well as yourself. It is hard for us to grasp that when they are being so aggressive with us and all we want is peace. You don’t want him to hurt you or someone else and then be sitting in prison with dementia. So glad you found an outreach team and hope they will be helpful.
You wrote, "I cannot care for a man that is a risk to my safety." Well written. Well said. I agree.
Your situation requires full use of logic. Judgement. Reasoning. Decision making skills. Focus. Determination. There is no doubt of your love for your beloved. You deeply care. But, this is not the appropriate moment and situation to let feelings / emotions take you away from Life itself. I do hope your gov. Social Services provide for you proper guidance and much needed help.
Herr Crushed, you well deserve accolades today for your replies to this post. Specially the one posted on May 2, 2019 3:12 AM
Thank you to everyone. Without you, I would be hopeless. I’m still waiting for the escort to obtain my meds and some clothes. It’s taking a while because they are sending someone specially trained in mental health crises. I am safe.
Please accept my sincere gratitude for your support and your wisdom.
Have you found a place to stay? Texas is a mighty big place...I am familiar with a lot of resources in Central Texas if that is in your area.
Around 3:30 today, The police met me in the parking lot of our apartment. The police that showed up were not trained in mental health crises as I was expecting. They spoke with DH and me separately. I told them about the firearms and where they were located. I showed the officers a note from DH’s doc about his dx and impairments.
Sometime between last night & today, DH has broken his finger. It is incredibly disfigured. He declined getting treatment for his finger. The police concluded DH was not a danger to himself or others. A member of the Mobile Crisis Team arrived to offer services to DH at about 5:00 pm. DH declined talking with her. At that point I was escorted in to get my meds, clothes and computer.
The police did not confiscate the weapons that were in the apartment As I was leaving DH requested a LARGE check and stated he has got to go. The police told me to call them if I needed to get into the apartment again.
As I was driving away, DH called asking that the Check be delivered tomorrow.
I am dumbstruck. What in the world happened?! DH with EOAD threw me out of our apartment. He still has weapons. Who is going to care for him now? I feel numb and then heartbroken and then numb.
I am more angry about this than anything I have read in my 4 years of visiting this site. Gun ownership rights are off the rails in this country. I don’t want to hijack your situation to express my frustration with gun laws (and attitudes). I know you love him, but please protect yourself by staying in a shelter and not returning until he is stabilized and the guns are gone. I’ve been slow on the uptake on this issue and your situation, but your life is precious and I fear one of those “Elderly Murder-Suicide” headlines we’ve all seen. Love him and yourself enough to stay away until the system eventually works. The large check demands are empty threats.
Well this was certainly unexpected. Don’t give him any money. Don’t go back there until he is disarmed. If that ever happens. I think you should contact the Alzheimer’s Association hotline, I’m not sure what they can do.
I don’t know what to suggest other than trying to get into a shelter and perhaps using their legal support to get back into your place and get him out. I would also contact an attorney who might be able to pressure the cops into removing the weapons. They have been told he is legally unfit to possess firearms.
Or maybe filing an official report with the police regarding the fact that he is armed and legally unfit. For a paper trail.
Stop pitying him right now. He’s in your house and you’re on the street.
I called a certified elder attorney this morning and left a message. I will call our social worker at 8 am and relay the events of yesterday.
My head is still spinning from yesterday. The 1st call to 911 was at 11:17 am. An officer specially trained in mental health crisis was requested. At 3:20 pm 2 officers arrive that have not received the mental health training. One officer stares there is not a trained mental health officer on duty. Was that her version of a fiblet?
I told them about the firearms, the EOAD, the grossly broken finger. I showed them the doctors dx. They saw the finger themselves.
The mobile crises team member that arrived about an hour later appeared to be on the less experienced side.
I keep asking myself what could I have done differently? At this point, it doesn’t matter. I need to use my energy for what’s ahead, not behind. That’s protecting myself and the assets with the counsel of a CELA.
It probably looks like I’m spewing our dirty laundry on this forum. My apologies for that. Our social worker and this forum are my outlets. The social worker has provided a list of resources in Central Texas. I want to be clear - DH has not physically harmed me. However, I feel like I’m trying to navigate an emotional obstacle course.
He hasn't phyiscally harmed you because you are not around hm, thank goodness. He broke his finger and doesn't feel the pain, that shows his level of anger.
Can you get your stuff out? Do you have any assets in there? Do not give him a check and move your money asap, anything he has jointly, protect, he will take it. He isn't so out of control he can't do that.
You have to proceed as if he is "normal" as he does have abilty to con the police, he does have weapons, and he is able enough to ask for money.
Whose name is on the lease for the apartment? What about other debt? Is car in your name? And who has POAs if anyone for husband?
Slow down, take a breath, and document everything, and remember you matter, you don't owe this man your life,and if you are sleeping in your car or tried to, he is slowly taking your life. Oh and I see you have a dog, is the dog safe? Call Animal welfare if you have concerns, he can take the anger out on the dog, sorry add to the pile
This isn't dirty laundry, this is reality! Where else are you going to go for real help? Obviously the "mental health-trained" professionals were of no help to you. Keep posting.
1. I have an appointment with the elder law attorney on 5/14.
2. I changed the passwords on my banking account and my primary credit card account. However, I did that over the hotel internet connection which gives me some un-ease.
3. The apartment lease is in both of our names. Police officer told me yesterday, "since your name is on the lease, you know he can't kick you out, right?" In my head, I was thinking, maybe so, but that does not mean its a smart idea to stick around considering he locked me out using the double deadbolts.
4. Our dog, Hap is at the apartment with DH. Hap is good therapy for DH and I believe Hap is safe.
5. One of the 2 vehicles is jointly titled. I am using that vehicle and have all keys to both vehicles with me.
I think I've taken steps to protect myself. Meanwhile, no one is caring for DH. His brain is broken. He is isolated at the apartment, but he has shelter with utilities. There was food in the fridge on Wednesday and He has the ability to walk to the grocery store, so food is not an issue. He has credit cards and there is petty cash in the apartment. But I have no idea if he is taking his meds. We live right next door to a hospital so he could walk to the ER if he needs treatment for his finger. He has a phone so he can call 911....but does he have the capacity? Although He did call me twice asking about the check so he does have the ability to operate the phone.
He smokes on the patio and walks the dog, so neighbors will occasionally see him. I hope that if he looked amiss they would call 911 for assistance.
He is a demented man who just went through 2 huge stressors: 1) not getting his DL and 2) police showing up at his home. My heart is aching for him.
I hate this disease.
You poor dear. My heart just aches for you. I don't suppose you are the power of attorney for your husband, are you? That would make things so much easier. Ask the attorney about becoming your husband's legal guardian and conservator. That would give you ultimate power in determining his future. The whole process could take months. Hopefully, he will be okay during that time. Meanwhile, you need to keep yourself safe. If he calls begging you to come back, don't do it unless you have proof that he is getting treatment from a geriatric psychiatrist and is taking his meds. My hubby has had a lot of anger issues, but I called his doctors and they were always willing to prescribe medications that helped.
And all his guns and ammo needs to be gone before you even consider seeing him face to face.