Loading discussion content. Please wait...
Spouse or Partner Caregiver Forum
Fiasco at Driver License Office (DPS)
Here are a few things that I have learned that may help others (in no particular order):
1. Always keep your cell phone charged.
2. When people offer to help, let them.
3. Trust the people who have endured, or are enduring this rugged path. They speak from experience
4. Don’t expect the social services agencies or the police to meet your expectations. But do call on them for assistance
5. Don’t isolate.
6. Sleep when you can.
7. Be grateful no matter how hopeless. I am grateful for all of you. I am grateful for the places I’ve slept. The various roofs I’ve had over my head, hot coffee, nature, my car, a cell phone charger, toothpaste, a hot bath, clean underwear, my faith in A higher power.
8. Don’t delay in handling the legal matters. I do have DPOA, but cancelled an earlier consult with. CELA. Now I am back in the queue for a 5/14 meeting.
9. Decisions should be made based on logic, not emotion.
10. Think about safety and be safe. Safety comes first.
11. My husband’s brain in broken.
12. This disease sucks but I will survive.
He is a demented man who just went through 2 huge stressors: 1) not getting his DL and 2) police showing up at his home. My heart is aching for him.
He is a demented man with guns. May I gently suggest you you save your sympathy and heartache for someone he might murder.
This is a horrible disease but gun owners make it horrible for total strangers. Think of fire fighters if no one else.
LadyTexan, Like your list. Personally having a little trouble with letting others help when they offer. I’ve tried to protect them for years from things. My thought process is starting to lean toward I may have to let them help at some point to protect myself. Isolated myself for many years except on the forum. Not doing that now but like you often feel I’m airing dirty laundry. Thankful that I’m surviving ok, also depend on a power way higher than me to take care of the things I cannot. So right about using logic not emotion. So easy to get swept up in emotion when they are being so verbally aggressive and accusing you of things.
Please keep visiting and let us know about how things go with CELA. I am very interested in this as you and I are enduring two different circumstances but I can so relate to you.
Please take care of yourself.
Dear Lady, I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you on multiple levels; you have been making great progress getting things managed, that is huge in the scope of what is happening and you are on the right track. I am glad that you continue to come here for support and to share; that is important.
It is also very important to remember; you are not doing anything TO your husband; you are doing something FOR him. All the steps your are now taking are on the positive side of the ledger. Things cannot continue as they are. There is also a risk that he can possibly take umbrage at a simple thing or have a delusion and hurt someone else; that is important to think about. Neighbors, another family member, someone at the door, people in another setting; anything can be a trigger to cause aggression and dangerous rage.
Never, ever let yourself be fooled into complacency. His rages and access to guns or other sorts of violent actions are still there and will be there until adequate help has been received. Protection of self and others is of priority. He may even wheedle your coming home, but based on what you have shared, that does not sound like a good or safe idea. When a person is prone to such rages, one cannot know with accuracy what will happen one moment to the next. When unreasonable rage and aggession hits; the person will often act in a second in the instant; they have no insight into themselves nor of any consequences; it is FEEL and ACT.
One thing you may wish to do after speaking with your CELA attorney, if he/she feels it is worthwhile, is to contact APS and see if they would be willing to do an assessment. Your husband is sitting there with a fractured finger and not capable of using good judgment or logic in permitting treatment; has attacked, has guns, and is gravely compromised.
Another step that may be worthwhile would be to make a consultative appointment with your husband's dementia specialist. I cannot reacall how long it has been since his last appointment, but the specialist can discuss how a GeriPsych admission can be done, and you can also find out if the specialist is willing to give you a written statement that clinically, your husband is no longer competent to format his own plan of care and further, is no longer competent to conduct his own business.
The attorney can discuss Guardianship with you should that time come. NOTE: Whatever you do, please do NOT minimize or make excuses with the attorney or the physicians, social workers or law enforcement; to do that may minimize their responses and/or input.
The listing you gave is an excellent one. Are you alright as you are right now? Are you financially able to continue being at the hotel and being on your own?
NOTE: It cannot be stressed enough; you are certainly not airing "dirty laundry," what is happening are facts and truth and cannot be hidden any longer; that is an old-fashioned false way of thinking and often put into our minds by our parents from another time and generation. It is certainly not about what other people are going to think, that is another path to nowhere and to bad outcomes. Once again, a false endeavor. We here understand.
Do you have family or friends who would be supportive and maintain confidence without contacting your husband? It is best he not know where you specifically are.
He will not starve, he has the house and he is relatively safe as is. You need NOT go to his rescue; in fact that would seem to be very much an enabling action that would throw things backward. You are taking wise and necessarysteps based on your own safety needs and actually letting the other shoe drop so that he can get to adequate care and safety for all concerned. That can be a difficult thing to do; waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it eventually will.
I also am so sorry that you did not get more assistance from the law enforcement and social services folks. It is not at all surprising that there is only one officer at the local station that is considered their "dementia" or "psych" knowledgable officer. That officer may or may not be well trained and well versed in such conditions; you do not know the length and breadth of that person's actual knowledge base and skills.
Your attorney can tell you more; and you can also call the Watch Commander or the Captain at the local police station to ask for information regarding what can be done considering the gun situation and perhaps even going in to speak to the officer who has had training for such situations. I am just throwing things out there as they come to mind.
When officers arrive at a house, if the person is acting out and is out of control and appears to objectively be a danger to themselves and others, they can legally step in and take action. However; if the person is calm and seems not to be an active danger to themself or others, there is not much they can do.
The Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 hour Helpline at (800) 272-3900. If you call, please ask to speak to a Care Consultant. There are no fees for this service. Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics; they have heard it all. They are very supportive, good listeners, have much information and can often help us with our problem solving. \
You are being pro-active and taking necessary action; that is wonderful and you are becoming stronger with each step you take forward.
Please do let us know how you are, we will be thinking of you and we certainly do care.
With warm thoughts being sent your way,
I am safe. Our social worker contacted Adult Protective Services. I spoke with APS at length this morning. The woman was very helpful. I will speak with her again on Monday.
I have been brainstorming with a trusted advisor. We agree that I need to stay safe and returning home is not safe now. My heart is with my husband but to stay safe, I must stay away now.
I just had my first shower in days. What a gift!
My Sincere thanks to all of you for all you do.
I’m glad for that. Due to what’s happened, I’d scout out the house and remove any large knives, hammers, etc.
Pack a bag with some changes of clothes and toiletries and an extra charging cable for your phone and keep it in your trunk.
I would also start scouting your area for appropriate facilities (that also take Medicaid) because it may turn out he may have to be placed in the end. You should have 2 or 3 facilities you find acceptable in your back pocket in case he ends up in a hospital and you can’t take him back. Start visiting some this week. Don’t discuss with him and don’t bring him.