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1 week and counting
Posted: Monday, November 12, 2012 8:28 AM
Joined: 2/19/2012
Posts: 96

Mom passed away one week ago today. Still numb. Can't really think straight. Not sleeping, not eating. Having a hard time accepting the suddeness of her death. But I guess sometimes it is like that. I've been told we should be thankful for her peaceful passing but when you haven't said your final goodbyes it is so hard. If we had known we could have been more prepared.


I am trying to forgive myself for taking that last day of her life off to rest. I was so tired, mentally and physically. I just wanted one day that week to myself. I wish i hadn't. Did anyone else feel that way after their loved ones passed on? Guilty. If I could have just one more day with her would it make a difference in my grieving?


Tomorrow we see her lawyer. I am so not looking forward to all that comes next. All this legal stuff is going to be overwhelming for my shortwired brain to take. God must give me the strength to handle all the nexts in life. I can't even think of the holidays to come.

Posted: Monday, November 12, 2012 10:44 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

Welcome Sunny -- Hugs to you.  


I was not there when either my mom or my dad died.  With my mom, I left to have dinner with my husband. I planned to be back in the morning to see my mom.  They called me the next morning before I left and told me she had passed.  I was shocked. They said she was not alone, but I don't know for sure.  I wish that I had been there, but I know that she knew I was there for the previous 3 days sitting with her.  I take comfort in that.  Focus on all the good that you did for your mom.  Your mom was lucky to have you with her for the long journey through AD.


I wasn't with my dad when he passed either.  I wish that I had been.  A few days before he passed, I got an urge to see him around dinner time.  We had such a nice visit.  I wish I had stayed longer.  Two days later, he was dying.  Once again, I went home after sitting with him.  I got a call that he had passed away.  We don't have a crystal ball that tells us when it will happen.  I lot of people say that they don't want you to be there.  Sometimes they wait for you to leave before they can pass.


Please be good to yourself. It has only been a week. If you feel overwhelmed by meeting with the lawyer, say so.  The legal stuff can wait a bit.  You are still in shock. Don't do anything that you aren't comfortable with at this point.  You have plenty of time.  My parents passed away about 5 months ago.  I am knee deep in the legal stuff now, but I didn't get to it until at least a month had passed.

Posted: Tuesday, November 13, 2012 2:45 AM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414

I agree with MLB61. It has only been a week, which in the scope of life is less than a rain drop in time.


Please don't beat yourself up for not being there at the end. I wasn't there for my moms passing, but I was for my dad, (they died 4 days apart) except I was asleep in the room when he passed. I woke up at 1AM and the room was just too quiet, I knew. So he passed while I slept.


The legal stuff ie the estate can wait until you are ready.


It has been 4 months since my parents passed, and my brain still isn't working right. Making any decisions now should wait ie the legal stuff. Don't let anyone rush you.


I am sorry for your loss.


All of us are not looking forward to the holidays. It will all be our "first" one without our parent(s) or LO.


But last year mom didn't believe it was xmas on xmas day, I never even got to speak to her as no one would let me (I am long distance). I am guessing she was not well at all that day. All my dad said was "it is a good thing you are not here". I don't know what that meant, but it didn't sound good at all. For mom xmas lasted weeks after xmas. She went (was taken in her wheelchair) shopping for weeks after xmas, I never knew when xmas really was for her.

Posted: Tuesday, November 13, 2012 11:02 AM
Joined: 2/19/2012
Posts: 96

Oh faraway daughter, my heart breaks for you and all the others.  You lost both parents essentially together and that must be so hard to handle. I saw my Mom almost daily for the past 2 yrs. I took an early retirement to make sure we kept her safe and happy in her own home. She was widowed 33 yrs ago, so she has been our only parent for so long.  Only recently had we questioned her living status and were about to make the decision to move her to an assisted living nearby. I know she would not have liked it but our hope was to keep her safe and hopefully she would adjust. She was so friendly and made friends easily. Everyday was another opportunity to make a new aquaintance. Compliments, she gave them readily. I wish I were more like her.

My Mom was about my age when she lost her Mom (my grandma) and I remember  how lost she was. She also had retired to help her Mom and was at the NH daily to help out with the meals and activities. When  Grandma died (suddenly) she was so lonely. Her purpose in life was gone. Kind of like I am feeling now. I have devoted so much time and effort (loving every minute) into keeping her happy, I just don't know what I do now....

dj okay
Posted: Wednesday, November 14, 2012 7:52 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

Dear sunnysideup,


I was very much like you after just a week.  I had these horrible waves of grief that would roll over me like a steamroller.  I was helpless to fight it.  I had feelings of falling all the time.  Looking back on it, I was a real mess.


It's been 3 months on Friday since Mom passed away.  I am still a little lost, although it's getting a little better.  Please give yourself time. 


I'm discovering that grief just has to be felt.  You really just can't "pick up and start over".  I think it's especially true for us caregivers that had so much of our lives wrapped up in our loved one.  That's a lot of hours to fill with some other activity.  But it will happen in time.


Take it one step at a time.  Don't force yourself if you aren't ready.  Be kind to yourself.





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