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Anybody Else Getting Kind Of Bored?
Marjk
Posted: Wednesday, February 6, 2013 4:48 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 799


I know that sounds like a strange question, but it's now 7 months since my mother died.  For the first two months or so it was setting up her "party",  doing all the paperwork and notifying, etc...  Now I don't visit her, I don't have her paperwork, I don't have to shop for her, etc...  For so many years doing those things were a big part of my life.  Now, I'm kind of bored.  I feel as though I should still be driving out there.
becauseiloveher
Posted: Wednesday, February 6, 2013 5:16 PM
Joined: 7/7/2012
Posts: 31


You know, it's been less than 4 weeks since my mom has passed,  and right now I'm feeling really lost and empty. Like you, I spent so much time with my mom, and when I wasn't at my part time job, I was spending time with her. Taking care of her and protecting her was so deeply ingrained in every fiber of my being.  Now I don't know what to do. My job is very stressful so increasing my hours is not in my best interests at this time. Life is going to be very different. Hopefully I will get some motivation at some point in time to rejoin life.
Mimi S.
Posted: Wednesday, February 6, 2013 6:55 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 7027


Hi Marjk,

It's now time for you to think about what you plan to do for YOU!


MLB61
Posted: Thursday, February 7, 2013 6:30 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726


I'm still doing estate stuff, getting their house ready to sell (I should have done this long ago), and taxes.  I see the end of this tunnel, though.  I am not sure what I'll do after it's all taken care of.  I have to figure out what to do next. I have to get used to a new life.  I guess that's what happens when you lose a loved one that was part of your daily life.
dj okay
Posted: Thursday, February 7, 2013 7:19 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


Marj,

 

I haven't had much time to feel bored.  Though there were a few weeks in the fall when I didn't have a lot to do, but I was recovering emotionally and physically from the stresses of last summer.

 

I had several weeks of paperwork and such to take care of after Mom passed away.  I tried to go through a few of her things each week.  I would wash the clothes I wanted to keep and put them away and take the remaining ones over to the nursing home for residents that came in with very little.  I couldn't do it all at once, but it was nice to be able to visit briefly and feel that I was doing some good for others there.

 

Once my husband's health looked like he was going to be able to travel, I began searching for a rental property in Florida.  This was not an easy task as it was well into the fall by that point and most places were already rented.  I spent countless hours looking and finally found a place over Thanksgiving weekend.  Then they sent our deposit check back and we had to start over.  By that time the Christmas holiday was coming fast and I was busy preparing for that, attending parties, and taking care of numerous 6-month check-ups (someday I'd like to change those so they wouldn't fall in December...)

 

By the time I was starting to feel more restless, a couple of paid positions sort of fell into my lap without my ever asking or applying.  Neither is much money, but both are things I enjoy a lot and they have given me a new reason to be productive.

 

And we finally got a rental for February at the last minute (due to a cancellation) and are now soaking up the sun in south Florida.

 

When I'm home, I volunteer at the nursing home a couple times a month, helping out in the dining room at lunch.  I have a couple other volunteer activities that are sporadic and then there's the Peer Volunteer activity here on the boards.

 

I find that keeping busy really, really helps.  You may just need to think about what kinds of things you'd like to be busy with.

 

And I'd really like to chat sometime.  Let me know if you would.


KML
Posted: Thursday, February 7, 2013 11:39 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Not bored, just feeling the emptiness and void left.  I spent a lot of time with my father, we had our routines.  For a while on my way home from work, I made the left-hand turn to the facility out of routine.  Still, on Sundays at 3:00p I get this feel of having to hurry up and get down to the facility to play bingo with my dad and have dinner with him.  It takes a long time, I'm finding, to create a new routine for myself. 

 

Plus, my daughter was diagnosed with cancer just a week before my dad passed away, so there was that to think about and also take care of.   And then there is the grieving.

 

We still haven't sorted through his home, not looking forward to doing that.  I haven't been in any shape emotionally to do that yet.  I have little health problem of my own going on, having a procedure done tomorrow, so there really hasn't been much time to be bored, just a lot of catching up to do and life.

 

I work full-time and my own home is a disaster, didn't get much time to take care of anything other than working full-time and looking after dad, so there's a lot there to keep me busy for a really long time.

 

When and if I get some down time, I just want to sit and sip a Margarita 


Marjk
Posted: Saturday, February 9, 2013 5:36 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 799


Glad you got a rental place DJ.  Sounds like you have definitely been keeping busy.

 

KML, how is your daughter doing?  I took care of all of my mother's things (her home) a few years back (as I'm sure many on here remember).  There's just an emptiness now.

 

I have too many days now with nothing to do.  Full time work will fix that.  I just miss going out to see her.


MyJack
Posted: Saturday, February 9, 2013 7:22 PM
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 48


I am also feeling lost after losing my Jack about 2 weeks ago, I spent so much time with him at the NH after work and on weekends. Now when I'm done work my mind still says I need to go there. I haven't figured out what to do with my "extra" time yet. Maybe start catching up on all the things I let go while I was with him. Its really hard...I feel like there is a huge chunk of my heart missing.  I know they say time heals all wounds but I'm having a rough time. Everything reminds of Jack. I can't get him out of my head.  I just miss him and hearing his voice and his hugs.
Cloud
Posted: Saturday, February 9, 2013 9:23 PM
Joined: 1/18/2013
Posts: 13


I love coming here, because I know I am not alone.  I read so much that is going on with me in various versions.  I miss his hugs so much.  I am sorting almost everyday.  I am picking up pieces of my life that I had been gradually giving up for years.  Not bored, but able to let my guard down enough that I had my first night without sleeping pills last night for the first time in years.  Still crying and bittersweet rejoicing at how wonderful he was/is in my life.  Carl passed in late Sept.  I am Cloudvacation.
dj okay
Posted: Monday, February 11, 2013 7:25 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


MyJack,

 

2 weeks is such a short time!  You need much more time to begin to heal the hole in your heart.  It is a process, this grief thing, and we all have to go through it and let it be what it will be for us...in order to heal.

 

The fact that you are back to work already says volumes about how strong a person you are!  Working will help, but you will still have to find your way into a new life without him.  I've thought of it like a wound that leaves a scar.  The rawness of the hurt goes away, but it leaves the reminder for the rest of our lives.

 

I'm glad you are here.  Hopefully, these dear folks can help you through the coming days, weeks, and months.

 

Hugs((((((((()))))))))))))


KML
Posted: Monday, February 11, 2013 12:55 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


MyJack:

 

I agree with dj, two weeks is still very very fresh for your loss.  It takes a long time to reincorporate back into a routine of things.  I think the best things is to just take your time and go at your own pace.  What you have been through is a tremendous loss and it is very traumatic and both the body and the mind has to settle down and rest. 

 

My father has been gone for almost nine months now and I'm just now looking around at what I need to get done and I'm just in the thinking about it stage.  I had to go back to work pretty quick after my dad passed, but that's about all I've done, just the basics.

 

Take care of yourself, this is the time to try and rest and be peaceful, gentle and kind with yourself.  It's hard to concentrate during this time and don't expect too much from yourself.  Grief is another journey and there is no timeframe and there is no time limit.


KML
Posted: Monday, February 11, 2013 1:06 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


Marjk:

 

Thanks for asking about my daughter.  She finished her chemo and she's doing fine, she's getting her monthly check ups and so far everything looks really good.  She's getting her energy back.   She worked and went to school the entire time, which I hoped she wouldn't do, but she was determined.  She's going to be visiting a friend in NY the end of this week, hopefully the weather won't present any travel upheavals.  I'm just glad she's feeling better and is able to have fun and relaxation now. 


MyJack
Posted: Monday, February 11, 2013 8:40 PM
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 48


dj okay and KML thank you so much for your kind words. It means so much to be able to share with those who know how it feels. I pretty much had to go back to work. It does keep my mind busy somewhat and it's good to be around my friends. Everything seems to remind me of Jack.

On saturday I picked up my part of his ashes (he was cremated) and the rest will be buried with his parents. Somehow I feel better having a little part of him with me. Is that weird?


KML
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2013 12:05 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105


MyJack:

 

No, it's not weird at all to want to keep something of the person with us and to be comforted.  In fact, I think it's a coping mechanism with loss.  It helps to ease us into the transition we are facing.  When my mom passed away, I felt such a need to keep doing something for her, to give her something, I planted flowers at her grave and kept those going for a long time.  It helped me.  Otherwise, it just feels like such an abrupt cut-off and end and that's harsh.  Our loss is harsh enough, whatever you can do to ease yourself into it as gently as possible is good.  In time, when we're ready and able we will move along at our own pace and make room for everything in our life again.


dj okay
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2013 12:13 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840


MyJack,

 

Not weird at all.  I had the stones in my mother's wedding set made into a new ring for myself a few months after she passed away.  She had given the set to me years ago because she was afraid she would lose it.  It was after my dad passed away and I think she knew her memory was going.

 

Anyway, it gives me comfort to know that I have something of hers near me.

 

I understand.


MyJack
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2013 8:19 PM
Joined: 12/17/2012
Posts: 48


dj and KML you are awesome and I appreciate you very much. I know we all cope with our grief in different ways. I wasn't ready to let him go....as much as I know how he wanted to go and I wanted him to be at peace. I did everything I could to help him feel loved and for him to know it was ok to go.  My 2 "sisters" on the other hand are dealing with it quite differently. The day after he passed they cleaned out his closet and got rid of everything. They didn't see him after he passed. Neither wanted any part of that. I don't know how to feel about that. Here I am trying to hang onto any shred of him I can and they seem to let go so easily. But then they didn't see him every day and were in a fair amount of denial that he was ready to go. Its so confusing to me. I'm trying to chalk it up to they want to remember him the way he was before. 

Thanks again for all your support and insights. It really helps


 
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