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3 months since Mom's death and I still have sleepless nights
Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 6:39 PM
Joined: 2/19/2012
Posts: 96

Again last night I was up. till 3 a.m. I fell asleep about 11:30 and awoke at 12:31. A noise woke me up and that was it. I tossed, I turned and sleep would not come. Finally at 3:00 i fell asleep. Woke at 6:00 and laid there till 700. I am having too many of these nights. When Mom was alive I used to lay awake and worry what was to come, how I would handle it, what my next step should be to keep her safe. Now that she is gone, I think of all the things I should have done to keep her with us longer. I know it's crazy making but my mind won't shut off. I do believe I am my own worst enemy.

I ordered my Mom's medical records from the NH. Shouldn't have done that. Saw somethings in there that left me pondering whether errors were made and whether they just allowed nature to take it's course rather than treat her appropriately. She had a UTI and was on Cipro. We were never told. She might or might not have had c-diff. She died before they tested her for it. Total incontinence. They never told us. Her BP was elevated everyday she was there even tho' she was on her meds. Her rt leg was swollen with edema. Water retention or swelling from the hip surgery?? They never told us.


She lasted 2 1/2 wks there and then died in her sleep even tho' all seemed to be going well with her rehab. But then did they tell us everything?? I think not!!  And that's what keeps me up nights.

dj okay
Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 8:01 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

Dear sunny,


I hear you.  I've spent too many nights like you describe.  I had part of one just last night.


If I were to go over Mom's NH records, it would probably drive me insane.  There are so many things that happen on every shift that we don't know about, and we don't usually need to know about.


The fact is that most people your mom's age don't live long after hip surgery.  It is a devastating thing to go through.  Complicating factors increase the mortality rate.


I don't know if that will help your sleepless nights.   But you do need to let a lot of it go.  If you believe there was complete negligence, then you should speak with a lawyer.  Otherwise, there's nothing you can do about it now.

You loved your mother and tried to do the best thing for her.  Try to focus on that.


I know, it's easier said than done at 3 a.m.  Been there....


I'm at six months and those nights still happen.  It's gotta get better.

Posted: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 7:11 AM
Joined: 12/2/2011
Posts: 726

Sunnyside -- I am trying to understand what you were hoping to accomplish by ordering your mother's records.  Was it to assure yourself that everything that could be done was done?  Unfortunately, the records didn't set your mind at ease. Actually, they seem to have had the opposite affect.  Now, as dj said, you have two choices -- talk to a lawyer or put it behind you and move on.  What would your mother want you to do?


Most of us have some regrets and guilt about the care of our loved ones at the end. It is another one of the cruel aspects of this disease.  Our loved ones are so vulnerable.  They can't tell us what is going on or what they want and need.  It is up to us to figure it out.  It's not easy, but we do the best that we can.  That's all we can do.


I hope that you find peace soon.

Henry,s daughter
Posted: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 7:53 AM
Joined: 5/17/2012
Posts: 495

Sunnyside up

you know you have my sympathies. I know we all second guess things. Just like parenting. Should have, could have, would have!

Believe me this comes from my heart. I just placed my Dad  a couple of weeks ago. He is still mobile somewhat and chatty, but 75 % cannot commuicate, walk and are hand fed. I wish for by dad a passing like your Mom. ... Latent AD is no 

Life in my opinion. 

Posted: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 9:19 AM
Joined: 2/19/2012
Posts: 96

Why did I order her records? Well, I guess the answer is twofold. I did it because I took care of her for so long and once the care was taken out of my hands I could no longer control what happened. I had questions as to why. I spoke with a good friend who is also a minister. She said she ordered her dads' records and found it comforting. Her dad said some really nice things while he was hospitalized and she felt it helped her heal. I have a background in medical care and just thought I could get a handle on what was happening that I missed. It backfired didn't it.


So now,yes, I do have only two choices. Move on and heal or pursue it and kill myself in the process. I choose to move on. I can't change what happened and I have to accept that it is was meant to be. She did have a peaceful passing. I think we all wish for that don't we. It is my own selfishness that still wants her here with me.  The illness went on for so long that it almost became the norm for us. It just eneded so abruptly. It's like hitting a brickwall after traveling 90 miles an hour forever. Blam!! Done, over, no more.


Mom was just so much more higher functioning than those in her unit. It's hard to fathom. Even her caretakers were taken aback at her passing. They all told me that she was not one that they would have picked as a death risk. Happy, alert, social.


So thanks everyone who responded. Sometimes I just need to write it out, hear it and get feedback on it.

Posted: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 1:16 PM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105

I feel the same as you and I haven't been able to let go much and I am trying.  For months and months I kept going over and over everything that led up to my father's passing.  He went downhill in a matter of two weeks.  The last few days it just sped up and I was trying to get him into a different facility but it was too late to move him anywhere at that point.


I haven't been able to sleep much.  I wake up several times a night and ruminate over everything and not getting much sleep isn't helping at all and it's not healthy and can lead to memory issues, and that scares me, too.  Short of taking a sleeping pill which my doctor doesn't want to prescribe, it's hard to just relax and put things out of your mind.  Some nights I can sleep with maybe waking up one or two times and that to me is a good night.  I am jealous of people who can sleep all the way through, I can't remember when I was able to. 


I read about counting backwards from 300 and I've tried that and it seems to help to concentrate on something other than what I'm ruminating about.  Talking to a therapist, and/or grief counselor, is helpful, too.


We can't change anything that's happened and no matter what we think, we DID do the best we could because that's who we are, we always do the best we can.  We have to keep telling ourselves this and one day we will believe it, that's what I'm hoping for.

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