I needed to start a new post, and i am desperate!!!!  MIL passed on Monday, service will be this Saturday the 28th.

Yesterday we get an emergency call from NH, my FIL sister is here and has a lawyer with her! DON and Adminis. said we need to get down there ASAP, they have already called the police.

We arrive at NH and find the old biddy with a lawyer and Dad has signed a new POA and medical POA!!! The director of nurses, social services lady and administrator are there also. this is crazy!!  my FIL is very confused and has his own dementia, all you have to do is talk to him for a few minutes and any idiot can see that!!

The sister has caused a big rackus in the nursing home, the cops talk to my FIL and he says he wants to stay and be left alone, then the lawyer starts badgering him, and of course he wants to go home with his sister, I try talkin to him and he just says, I dont know..,this went on for almost 2 hours while we all are trying to call DR, atty etc.

NH Administrator called state Omdudsman(?)  and the cops called state attorney, what a mess!!!   sister and lawyer insists it is legal and they are taking him, there is nothing we can do per cops if he agrees to go with them..OMG I can not belieive this is happening. 

The police said they are going to fill out a complete report, at this point, one of the cops tells us , he knows right from wrong and what this woman is doing IS NOT RIGHT, but nothing he can do. She is standing there arguing with him and he finally orders her to leave the home as it is uosetting all the residents, and staff etc. off she goes with my FIL in tow and the lawyer!!!  

There is NO way what she has done is legal and will not stand up in court..i have to go to police dept and get the full report tonight and we have an appt with our attorney tomm morning to try for emergency guardianship..we have no idea where she took him, the lawyer would not tell us anything. we think she is at a local motel and will put him on a plane and take him to virginia with her  

My husband is horrible shape..he looks like hes been run over by a truck and just cries..i keep tryin to reassure him that we will win guardianship, no way will the judge allow this old biddy to do this..but ive never seen him this way, Now he is asking me to take him to hospital, needs to talk to someone..he wont say or cant say what he feels but now I am afraid for him..

We have had 2 differant Dr evaulate FIL , one Before he went to NH, and then one last year while he was in NH..both stated that he has severe mental deficiencies, he has dementia , forgetful, is not capable of making competant decisions as to his care, finances etc..but it never went to court to having him legally declared incompetant.

First of all, with assessments from doctors in your FIL's medical records that state he isn't able to make his own decisions, you will have an excellent legal case for overturning the new  POAs. However . . .

If this sister thinks she can do a better job of  making decisions, why not  let her learn exactly what that  entails? I suspect you'll have FIL back within a few months,and you'll have had some respite.

I am also concerned about your husband at this point.  Have you tried calling the 1-800-272-3900 and asking for a Care Consultant?  It may be good for him to talk with someone direcly and NOW.  Make sure you make it clear that it's an emergency to the person that answers the phone, as I know the weekends make it a little harder to connect with a consultant (social worker) right away.

Failing this, you may want to take him to the ER.  They may be able to connect him with an emergency psychiatrist.

Please let us know how he's doing.  The situation with FIL is bad, but at least someone is with him.  It will work out.  Your husband has to be your first priority right now.

Wow!  You guys are in crisis mode for sure.  It sounds like you're getting your ducks in a row.  That's good.

1.  You will get him back, but you can't do anything right now.  The sister may have him for the moment, but it sounds like you have the documentation to have this POA reversed.

2.  Check with the NH to see if they will hold his bed for him.  He'll need someplace to go once you get him back and that would obviously be the best place.

3.  Breath.  I'm sorry that you seem to have to be the anchor in this storm, but you are.  Tell yourself that it's going to be OK.  They aren't going to hurt him.  He may have a setback and the dementia may worsen a bit by all of this, but you will get him back to the appropriate placement and IT WILL BE OK.

4.  Gather as much info as you can for your lawyer, then let him/her handle it.  He/she should know what to do.  Ask for a temporary order of guardianship, then perhaps a restraining order against the sister.  There will likely be a longer process involved, but if you can get a temporary order of guardianship it will get him back to you and keep her out.

5.  Take your husband to the ER. Hopefully there will be an evaluating psych or doctor who can prescribe him something to help him sleep and get through the next day or two.  Keep reassuring him that it's OK, but there is nothing you can do to get him back today.

6.  I don't know how often the sister visited, but once she sees your FILs mental state it is possible she may change her mind.  I know when I placed my mom I was worried about the family (my mom's sisters).  I made sure I talked to them ahead of time.  They were all supportive, thank goodness.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you will get guardianship and it will be OK.  Talk through your lawyer only.  Do not try to contact the sister and do not accept any calls from her AT ALL.  I know it might be hard, but with emotions high you don't want to say something that could be used against you legally. 

For today, focus on getting medical documentation together and talking to the staff at the nursing home to see how far they can go to help you.  I don't know if they have to act like "Sweden" in this case and stay out of it, or if they can make statements.  At least you should be able to get his chart information, any testing he's had done there, etc.  If he hasn't specifically put you guys on a HIPPA "do not share info with" list I think you'll be OK.

The cruelty of the timing of all this alone should prejudice a judge in your favor.  Seriously, the audacity of some people never ceases to amaze me.  Good luck.

I have to agree here.

IP, your husband's condition is priority #1 right now, so just allow her to take him, it is likely she will bring him back and you will have saved yourself the upset and expense of fighting for guardianship.

I hope by now you've taken your husband to the nearest ER, he's in a fragile state and he needs more help than your FIL does right at this moment.  I would also advise, when your husband is more stable, for the 2 of you to take a VACATION somewhere with no phones and sunny weather.  ASAP.  Both of you deserve it.

Let us know how he is.
 
PS - If both of you choose not to attend the service because of the latest stressor, I don't blame you.  Both of you were there when it counted (when she was alive and taking care of her) and there is no need to see these other relatives.

How perfectly dreadful...You will know more tomorrow so try to stay calm. You FIL is probably not in harms way or hopefully he is not.

We are with you!!!

Oh My God in Heaven!

Does your husband's siblings have anything to do with this? And if not what is their take on this?

I wonder what her motive is. 

FIL sister has no clue what so ever on what she has gotten herself into. Just can't imagine when it comes time to bathing FIL and/or changing his diapers....will he even let her. 

God bless and help you. 

Shelley

Also......I'm wondering if that is why husband's siblings started taking down MIL's and FIL's belongings. 

Hmmmmm

Shelley

Why are you afraid of him?

What a mess, all caused by families.  In CA, we can report silver alert/kidnapping (since you do not know where he is)---police are pretty useless I have found with NH disputes problems because they deal with penal codes, insititutions and welfare codes and health and safety codes only...I know this from experience  

Just as long as there is a police report do not worry about their inaction--in this case they actually did a service by taking a report

In CA...if a woman takes the children because she is afraid of abuser she must call the police and give them a good cause report so she isn't charged with kidnapping

Has a good cause report been made for FIL?

Now that he is out of the NH he cannot be evaluated by an MD which should have happened to establish competency or ability to made decisions..its all very shady and wrong and possibly illegal

Nurses, social workers and admins are not in a position to make a diagnosis or determination of competency....and we all know that our LO can think in certain areas and can be confused in others

Our ombuds is useless but pursue that avenue if they can be of help to you..

Praying for you.....I have no advice except to fight the good fight (i'm fighting my own battle)

I imagine states differ but i never needed to go to court to have mom legally defined as incompetent

the physicain letter is all I have ever needed.....make a zillion copies

Cops know little if anything about Dementia and AD the confusion, lucidity...so ensure you read the report and add your comments for any discrepancies

its legal to take FIL if they indeed got a new POA but its the getting of the new POA that was wrong/illegal!!!!!  If they have the new POA then they could take him--

Take care of your dear husband and yourself!  

Ask the NH if they will report an abduction? (i think with the new poa that FIL signed they cannot)

Make a zillion copies of the original (your) POA

Back from ER, he had a bad anxiety attack, they put him on Zoloft and Ativan and gave him an Ativan injection there in the ER. He is sound asleep snoring on the recliner...

Ughh im a nervous wreak. BP is 160/100 and that alone has me freaked out, No word on my FIL whereabouts. Tomm morning to police station to pick up detailed report and then to attorney. Not sure how long it would take to get an emergency hearing for guardianship..

I pray she hasnt already taken him out of state

That is wonderful news in regards to getting your husband to the ER and getting him some meds. Now how are you doing?

What on Earth do you think is the reason of your husband's aunt to pull such a stunt. 

Nobody should have to deal with what you are going through. 

And I can relate to how this disease brings out the darker side of others and the hidden greed they possess. 

It's usually money related in some way. 

Is there something material that she is after? Money, property, income?

Shelley

So glad your husband got some help.  I'm sorry that it isn't YOU snoring away, but at least him being able to relax must bring you some relief.

I'm going to do a no-no here and tell you to take 1/2 of one of your husbands Ativan tabs if it seems like you need it to sleep.  You need to be on your toes tomorrow.  I know it's probably 9:00 or so where you are, so it isn't too late to take one now to get a good 8 hours.

I am not a medical professional, just a concerned contemporary, so hopefully there are no legal repercussions to my suggesting that.

Praying for you.  Let us know how things go when you can.  Don't make us the priority, but know we're all thinking of you and sending thoughts of strength your way.

What do you think FIL's sister's motivation is?  Does she imagine that she is rescuing him?  Does she also have dementia?  Does she stand to inherit anything from her brother or what?  As I recall, your inlaws didn't have a lot of assets - just enough to sell their home and put them in a home.  So what on earth could this sister's motivation be?  Did they take FIL's clothes and possessions other than family photos?  If not, I'd document that.  

This is really the weirdest thing ever.  I can't imagine what her motivation is.  Now, I suppose your FIL will not be allowed to attend his own wife's memorial service. But...if they do show, your attorney needs to be prepared for that.

There is a little $$ from when their house got sold, but its not alot maybe she thinks she is rescueing him and in her ignornance does not see how bad his dementia is..physically he looks good, walks around, has no trouble eating or bathing ( which he hardly ever does) so she thinks he is fine..besides the fact that she has always been a B**** , kinda dictator like. Her own children have nothing to do with her says alot..

I am still keeping notes, and did note that yesterday all his clothes, shoes, goodies i had taken to him were gone..room has been emptied completely

Your plight has just tugged at a lot of heart-strings here.  I feel for badly for what you and hubby are going through. ESPECIALLY after having so recently lost your MIL. 

I'm glad you got hubby help.  I'm sure the Ativan will come in handy in the coming days.

As it is Monday now, things will probably begin happening quickly.  Do keep us informed and FIL's status and how you and hubby are faring.

In the meantime, you will all be in many thoughts and prayers here.

I am truly appalled by what has happened and don't have words sufficient to say how deeply sorry I am.

There is going to be a lot of muddle, but I am feeling confident your attorney will be able to have this atrocious situation brought to rights.  The fact that you have the original DPOA as well as written documentation from the MDs stating your FIL is no longer competent to format decision making, etc., will be extremely helpful.  Make lots of copies of that and protect the originals at all costs. 

I don't think this fits into the category of "kidnapping," by statute, but this was egregious in it's actions and may fit some legal statutes re "Elder Abuse" or other crimes under the statutes of your state.  Your attorney will inform you.

Know what?  If/when this goes to court, if you are the successful party, I would have my attorney request that the Aunt be held financially responsible to reimburse you for all costs incurred by this action.  But not for her egregious actions, none of the expenses would have actually been incurred.  AND I would have her attorney reported to the Bar Association in the state(s) in which he practices.

You will be able to show the DPOA made when your FIL was lucid, you have the letters of non-competence, you will have the NH administration able to attest to the fact that you and your husband were interactive in your FILs care and that you visited him often and that FIL was cared for and about and was as content as he could be under the circumstances of his dementia.

The medical records from the NH may well be subpoenaed by the judge making the decisions, so be aware of that and you might want to give a "heads up" about that to the NH administration.  They may want to document the supportive history of the family (you and your husband) and the relative positives regarding your FIL.

Their notes (I hope they were detailed) regarding no advance notice of this action and having to call the police, etc., will be important - Aunt's action should have been to apply for Guardianship, and in the least - to notify the NH Administrator that she was coming in with her attorney to remove your FIL and given the NH an opportunity to forestall the action and notify you in a manner that was not emergent - this is a dependent, mentally/neurologically compromised adult with documentation by medical professionals that he was no longer competent to make decisions for himself; she did not have the proper legal documents to do so when she entered the facility; she certainly did not.  She failed to do that and instead, skulked about in secret and skullduggery and got caught.  This will tell the Guardianship judge a lot about the "ilk" of the Aunt and her competence. 

This is truly just awful, but I think that FIL will be "safe."  By the way; would it do any good to inform the Aunt's estranged siblings of her actions?  Perhaps, if they are "standup" people, they could bring pressure to bear. 

Do you know if she is planning to care for him in her own home or if she is planning placement?  If she is going to place in a DIFFERENT state - Virginia, how does she plan to pay for his care, I wonder.  This would be especially significant if he is on or is near to going on Medicaid. 

Whew!

The frustrating and most stressful part of this, is that there is nothing you can do right now except to take steps to get to your lawyer,  speak to the NH about the record documentation; getting the police report (some law enforcement officers are excellent report writers, some are dreadfully deficient - if the report is a mess, ask to speak to the Captain of the station.)  Time is of the essence - move swiftly.  Not to move swiftly may indicate to the court that you are not looking out for the best interests of your FIL.

And . . . . make an appointment with your own doctor for both you and your husband - watch that BP and yes, a bit of Ativan or other low dose appropriate medication may be able to assist with the significant levels of stress and anxiety.

I fervently hope all of this turns out well in the least amount of time and with the least amount of strife. Also, you may want to contact the Alzheimer's Assn. at (800) 272-3900.  Tell the nice person answering the phone that you have a dire emergency and need to speak to a Care Consultant immediately.  Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia.  They can be highly supportive and may also have some suggestions.  But of course - the attorney first and foremost!  Hopefully he will have a specialty in Elder Law.

Please do let us know what is happening, we will be thinking of you and we truly do care.

Johanna C.