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Ideas on getting LO to accept a possible move from home?
Posted: Thursday, February 27, 2014 5:22 PM
Joined: 11/22/2013
Posts: 191

Having read posts of others that are in the same boat, I probably know the answer, but I thought I would see if anyone has creative ways to get their LO to better accept a move from home into either AL or MC. My MIL is 82 and probably at stage 5 right now. She does still live in her home with a caregiver coming in 3 days a week and then either my husband or myself go over the other days. She just had an eval (her third in 2 years) with a neuropsychologist today and although we won't have her report for 2 weeks, it's looking like she will recommend moving her to AL or MC. She brought it up to my MIL after the testing and of course she said she had no intention of leaving her home. On the way home I asked her fears about moving and that we are concerned for her safety. She basically said she wanted to die in her home. She has been in that home about 56 years and I know it will be devastating, but I am at a loss as to how to help her be more accepting. I know that is probably unrealistic. She has always been VERY stubborn anyway and this will be even worse than taking away her driving privileges (which her PCP did). Is dropping them off one day really the only way? What about having the PCP help us with that as well?
stephanie b
Posted: Thursday, February 27, 2014 6:00 PM
Joined: 1/8/2014
Posts: 263

Hi, Donna, my mil also lived in her home for 56 years and had no intention of leaving. When my brother in law, who lived with her passed away last July, she had a slight decline, but after a UTI in November, it was as if she had fallen off a cliff. My MIL lived in another state, a 6 hour drive from us. My husband and I were on a trip to Hawaii when our niece called and told us MIL was in the hospital. She was not able to speak, did not know who she or our niece was. We took the next plane back, and after several days, although she had some improvement and was better able to communicate, it was clear, she would not be able to return home. She had been planning to come to our home for Thanksgiving the following week and stay for a couple of weeks, so we just went along with that plan.
 This is where it got difficult, while she was in rehab for a few days, where her doctor placed her, to give us some time, we packed her things. It was so heartbreaking to pack for someone, who would never see their home again. We brought her to our home and began all of the paper work and doctors evaluations etc. telling her that we needed her to be near us so we could help her out, now that her son was gone and that we, the kids and grandkids wanted to spend more time with her, she was not happy with us and very angry, but it was what was needed, after about 6 weeks we found her an ALF which fit her needs and was near us and also near my 98 year old mom, who we are also responsible for.      They advised us, to tell her it was a trial to see if she liked it, she was very frightened and reluctant, but on the day that we brought her to see it, she couldn't wait to move in. So we signed the lease without the trial, but did tell her this. Needless to say it has been a roller coaster, as it is for most families, but after about 8 weeks she is content most days,( unfortunately happy is an unrealistic goal), she still gets upset, tells us she is fine and doesn't need to be there with all of these crazy people and asks to go home, but not as often. Over all she is adjusting, she has made friends and raves about the care givers, who are so good to her. This is never easy, hope you are able to work things out for your mom. Telling these fibs is very hard, but sometimes it's the only thing to do for their safety. Best of luck on this terrible journey, that none of us were planning.

Posted: Thursday, February 27, 2014 7:04 PM
Joined: 1/24/2014
Posts: 21


I just moved my mother.  Very difficult decision to make.  My Mother does not think she needs help and refused to move from her home of many years.  I had her PCP and Neurologist tell her she needed to move.  She did not agree and insisted that she could manage in her home.  I finally got to a point where I just had to make the decision and set the date.  I took her to several facilities but she could never remember visiting or at least that is what she told me.  Two Saturdays before the move we talked about her moving and she had a fit.  At that point there was no turning back because the movers had been scheduled and the facility deposit had been made.  

Four days after being in the facility she is sleeping and eating some.  I have not been able to visit or call but check in with the nurse station twice per day.  She is telling the staff that I will be coming to get her.  Until she is a little more settled they do not want her to have visitors.  

The doctor did put her on something to calm her nerves.  I am not sure if this is making a difference but overall she is doing much better than I thought.  

Posted: Thursday, February 27, 2014 8:45 PM
Joined: 2/14/2014
Posts: 749

My mother believes that she is in assisted living for physical rehab (she fell right before she moved there - nothing broken - she was fine but stiff and a little sore).  She still believes that she will be getting out. She is doing fine there but says she hates it even though the nurses see her laughing and talking with her new friends, going to meals and even attending a few activities.  The main thing is that she is safe. 


There is no reason for your MIL to ever know that she will never be going home again.  She needs to be safe and her home is no longer safe for her.


I'm sorry your are going thru this - I'm sorry we all are. 

Posted: Friday, February 28, 2014 11:14 AM
Joined: 11/22/2013
Posts: 191

Thanks for your advice. I am thinking that I will have her PCP break the news when the time comes. I talked to my husband last night about perhaps starting to have her caregiver come more often and he is hesitant to make any moves until we determine cost, etc. His family has always been more than financially conservative (dare I say cheap), so he is concerned about draining all of her savings. I understand his concerns because an ALF or MC will be very costly, even with a LTC policy. That said, the reality is that she will eventually need to move. I asked the neuro about sitting down with us to go over the report and her recommendations, which she said she will do. I am hoping that will wake my husband up to the realities ahead of us. I feel he wants to bury his head in the sand and it's very frustrating.
Posted: Friday, February 28, 2014 2:17 PM
Joined: 2/25/2014
Posts: 4

Have you considered providing more care at home? I am the owner of a homecare company and many of our clients feel the same as your mom. Long Term Care will typically pay for most if not all of 24 hour care depending on your policy. Depending on the LTC or AL you are choosing Homecare can be the same price or slightly more and she can have one on one care. I would be happy to talk to you about these options or answer any questions you have. Don't know what state you are in but I'm in Michigan and also have some contacts from other Home Health Companies in other states. This is a tough decision for sure, but having been in the business and seeing the care first hand in Nursing Homes, Assisted Livings, and Home Care for the past 8 years I would definitely choose home care for my parents, its just a matter of choosing one that is good. You can email me at or call me at 734-709-9960
Posted: Friday, February 28, 2014 4:45 PM
Joined: 11/22/2013
Posts: 191

Thanks for the kind offer but we already have an in-home caregiver coming in now 3 days a week for 4 hours each day. My preference would be to start by getting her to come more days for longer stretches. My biggest concern are her stairs. Her shower is downstairs and she refuses to take baths. I did get a bath stool, hand rail and shower attachment for the tub, so when she can no longer go downstairs she can take a shower in her tub. The overall safety still concerns me when no one is there, but I don't know if she needs 24 hour care yet. I am hoping the neuro's recommendations will help my husband see what steps we should be taking based on my MIL's cognitive state.
Posted: Wednesday, May 1, 2019 2:52 PM
Joined: 8/30/2014
Posts: 8

My mom has been living with me for 4 years since leaving her own home.  For the past year my sister and I modified these arrangements because I also work full time and was burning out being on my own with her, despite an aide who is in my home 3 days week for 4 hour shifts.  She spends half the month in each home.  We have to trick her on the transfer day or she puts up a big fight because her dog can't be with her at my sister's.  My mom HATES going back and forth and this last time had a catastrophic meltdown which was hard on everybody.  She believes she can "get her own place" but refuses to live anywhere without her dog.  She is in mid-stage 5 and is very argumentative, often delusional, and very confused about reality much of the time.  She doesn't understand that the disease has changed her and her ability to function.  I believe it is time for us to move her into a MC facility, which we have found nearby and feel confident in.  My sister and I are at a loss for explaining why she must make this move rather than continuing as she has been, even thought she fights it.  I'd appreciate any ideas on how to come up with a fiblet reason or the strategy for getting her into the MC place.  She also refuses to try respite care to get a feel for the place and has always been anti-social so suggesting she "try it for a week" isn't an option.  We are really at a wall trying to move forward with a little trauma to her or ourselves as possible.
Posted: Wednesday, May 1, 2019 4:01 PM
Joined: 9/16/2018
Posts: 23

I took the advice I read here and we didn't tell Mom. She went out for breakfast and her caregiver brought her to MC. She has been there a month and thinks she is going home soon, but she thinks she has just gotten there. She is very aware of things, very funny and outgoing but couldn't be left alone at all anymore. 

She is getting PT and OT 7x a week and is walking so much better!

She is loving the activity and socialization. Her anxiety and confusion have decreased greatly....the small room and routine are so good for her. She was in her very large home with caregivers who loved her dearly there 16 hours a day. But she was lonely and she was worried about what to do with her big house. Often she wouldn't know where she was.

I read that we need to make decisions based on her worst day, not her best. If there was a fire, she wouldn't have known what to do. If she fell, she forgot to push her emergency button. It was such a hard decision but I can honestly say she is thriving in MC. We just tell her we are taking it one day at time (true) and that we wanted her to get stronger so she didn't fall and break a hip. (true).


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