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Posted: Saturday, October 3, 2015 11:56 PM
Joined: 8/15/2015
Posts: 1

How get ESML partner to recognize we are headed for financial catastrophy if estate plans are not changed. she is unwilling to make will changes or alter Trust language that would facilitate my exercizing durable power of attorney in order to provide for her future care. I have tried the gentle approach, the tearful approach and alas there is no memory of the conversation. I can see she gets upset when I bring up financial matters. To keep at it seems unnecessarily agitating and unkind, knowing her response. Any suggestions?

Iris L.
Posted: Sunday, October 4, 2015 2:20 AM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 15641

Welcome, happygolucky. What does ESML stand for? Does your partner have a diagnosis of dementia?

Depending upon the wording of the power of attorney, you may be able to activate it on the authority of one or two doctors. In other words, is it durable or springing?

If you repost your question on the Spouse/Partner board, there are members there with experience in this matter who might give you more advice.

Iris L.

Posted: Sunday, October 4, 2015 7:33 AM
Joined: 7/24/2015
Posts: 3020

Hi and welcome,

I am not sure I understand the situation fully, maybe you can explain better?

I know that I have to count on and have faith in the decisions I made when I could, were the right decisions. Yes, circumstances change, but it is harder and harder for me to conceptualize the details and so it makes it very hard to make new or different decisions...why I trust my old decisions. Maybe a bit of that is at play.

Trusts are usually set up to 1) protect money from being taken by nursing homes; and 2) to care for others rather than self. While the money could help with their care, their probably was a good reason to protect it. Nursing homes take everything you have until there is nothing left (unless it was protected in a Trust)...and then you are forced onto state care, and have to down grade care. Not a good option in most people's minds...esp older folks, who often feel that they built up wealth for their children, rather than for their own care.

You might consider calling a few attorneys (usually elder care/probate/estate planning attorneys). They will usually talk to your for about 20 minutes for free and tell you what they'd do for you...and that will usually give you a clearer picture of the issues you are facing.

If your person has dementia or Alz, then they likely no longer have capacity to make any changes anyways. And that is the usual avenue of legal challenge of anything you would you would need clear and convincing evidence that your person HAS capacity to make these changes, and wants to make these changes.

That is about all I know on it, trusts were never my thing so I don't know much about them. Hope that helps. Hang in there. The spouse board may offer more insight. A fella by the handle ghostdog seems to be an attorney and may offer more insight, I think he is in the caregiver's section...I doubt he reads over here.

Best of luck.

Mimi S.
Posted: Monday, October 5, 2015 9:23 AM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 6877

I also do not understand ESML.
Try calling our help line: 1-800-272-3900 and having a conversation.

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