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Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone
Yesterday it was tears, today much better
Yesterday I was missing Jerry more than I can verbalize. My heart was breaking into little pieces and I wanted to hold him and tell him I love him. Well, that turned my morning into, well, let's say, not a good time.
I have asked my DIL and son to let me know when they need me to sit for their daughter, as soon as they know, every week. I need to make plans. I heard nothing about this coming week. On Sunday, when I asked my DIL, at my other DIL's house, I was told that she didn't know and she talked very sharp and nasty to me. Since there were other people and kids in the room, I bit my tongue. (Both my sons were gone with a mutual friend to the Red Skins game in DC). So, this had been really getting to me all week.
Since before my husband's passing, my one DIL, M., has been really ugly to everyone, especially me. My other DIL, J, told her husband, my oldest son, P, that after I left on Sunday, one of her guests stated that her SIL, my DIL, M, had no right to speak to me that way. He was surprised that I didn't tell her off and he wanted to, but felt it was not his business. So, I knew it was not me, but her being a witchy witch.
So, yesterday, I called and spoke to my youngest son J. I told him I would appreciate knowing when they needed me. I got upset when he said he wasn't sure when his in-laws would be watching her. I got really upset. Here, I change my schedule and/or work my schedule around them and they ask the in=laws what suits them, before me! Then he said he was going to ask his brother if Thursday was ok with them. I hit the roof! I have a dr appt and another appt on Wed. and yet no one asked me what my plans were! I am supposed to change my appts to accommodate everyone else?
We had it out! I cried and told him I was tired of being used. I would not be available on Wed and I would sit only on Thursday this week. His in=laws could sit for him the other days. I let him know I will not have his wife speak to me, ever again, the way she did. I don't care where we are or who is around us, if she speaks to me again so rudely and ugly, I will chew her up and spit her out! I then told him to ask his SIL, J., if he doesn't believe me. She heard it and her best friend's husband commented on it.
I cried and cried. I called my oldest son and he was so upset, but he talked my down. Once I realized I was upset because it was Christmas and things were bothering me, I was better. He assured me that he has had it with his SIL, M, too. But, I was just letting her get to me.
I really didn't want to go over for breakfast to J and M's house, but I did. It was fine. They joined us at dinner at P and J's house and we did have a good time. I guess I just needed to get things off my mind and get out the hurt that has been in my heart.
I miss Jerry so much. I have always been like a kid when it comes to Christmas. I love the lights, snowmen, the music and Hallmark movies. I love seeing the kids with Santa and hearing about the Savior's birth. This year, I have been going through the motions and pretending and ignoring the hurt. Now, it is over. I lived through my first Christmas with out the love of my life and best friend. I want him back so much. I really don't want to go on without him. I can't stand it. But, I will, some how, carry on. I promised him I would be fine and I have to be.
Thank you for listening to me. I know you understand. I know you are going through the same feelings and loneliness. I am blessed I have you as my e-family and my friends. Thank you so much.
With love and hugs,
We made it through our first Christmas without Mom. It was better than I expected and I'm glad it's over.