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It is good you have come here for information. However, from what you have written, you are in dire need of a Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA). They are well worth their rate. Go to www.nelf.org to find one. This will yield a REAL elder law attorney. Saying you are an elder law attorney is merely advertising, many do not have the expertise.
A lot of what you write is water under the bridge already, but I must comment on it because it deals directly with your current situation. Anecdotal, always confirm everything with your state specific legal counsel. Also, please don't be offended, I am not saying you would do any of this, but am offering the reasons why the other family members would not want to do this. I too, had a family member that wanted to be given a house, they didn't understand the consequences of such an action for the PWD.
1. Using your own savings, funds, etc to provide care was only a stop gap measure that lasted a few months. Your MIL may qualify for Medicaid if her income qualifies her, and if not, other state based or county based assistance for low income elderly. Stop spending your money.
2. The house is not your to ask for. I understand why the family will not do that. It is a valuable asset for your MIL which may help her in the future, particularly with long term care under Medicaid. From a legal standpoint, putting the deed in your name makes your MIL very vulnerable. I mean, from their viewpoint, deed goes in your name, you guys sell the house, leave MIL homeless and without assets and could dump her. Not saying you would, but you certainly could. Also, MIL could pass away next month -and you get a whole house and disinherit them? This is why their ' no' makes sense.
Also, doing that would be considered gifting and would disqualify her from receiving Medicaid for the penalty period. 5 year look back. This is the stuff you need an elder law attorney for.
3. As you say you are 'letting your house go', does that mean the bank has it for short sale? Another potential reason why family members wouldn't want it in your name.
-CELA for planning
-While at CELA, draw up a legal family caregiving agreement that spells out how you get paid, how much you get paid, and how to discontinue this agreement. Have all family members meet with the CELA so everyone understands and it is fair. Your pay should come from MIL's current resources, if a legal agreement is done, it could help her get more help.
It would also help to visit quality area care facilities so you know what is out there, it will also help you with your perception that the sibling who wanted to place in a facility is a bad guy. There are lots of reasons to be placed in a home, one of which is needing care without resources, or care needs exceeding what a family can provide, or it stops them from being able to earn a living themselves.
The CELA will help you sort out your options.
Shop around a bit for an Elder Care attorney and be certain to have put together all papers before an appointment.
I would definitely start the process for Medicaid and do not, starting today, move around money. That is important.
Also, there is a lot of info online you can read.
I'm not a lawyer or tax person but here is the thought I had;
If you can afford to stay in the home that belonged to you and your husband (if not disregard my idea), the three of you could live there.
Then you sell MIL's home and use the assets for her care- an aid in your home a few days a week. This might permit you to work part time perhaps. Also, you should be repaid for the money you and your husband have used to care for her from the sale of her home.
When MIL's assets begin to run out begin applying for medicaid for her- In other words, even though she is living with you and your husband she still will have medical bills, and other day to day essentials (clothing, medicine, etc). Like anyone that is poor and lacking assets she likely would be eligible for no cost medical care, food stamps and so on.
How much debt does she have (approximate)? Or, the better question is if you sold her home would she be able to pay off any or all of her debts?
Has anyone considered filing for bankruptsy? Not sure if doing so would be beneficial. Bullet point each idea 1, 2 and 3. Then list the suggestions given for each idea (1, 2 and 3). When you meet with a CELA all the questions/considerations will be on paper for yur convenience.
I'd recommend bullet points vs lengthy content. I'd also suggest that when you are ready to meet with an attorney you provide him/her with the list you created a few weeks in advance. This will give him/her an opportunity to review same so he can give the different options due consideration as to which is the best way to go.
If we use a O's assets for their care, sometimes there is no inheritance for anyone. If she moves into a facility you will need her assets to pay for MC or AL. If she qualifies for a NH she will likely qualify for medicaid given that she lacks assets. Most of her SS check will also go toward the NH cost leaving her with approximately only $35 per month (each state differs).
Many people have provided ideas.
There is no doubt that you need a certified elder law attorney, this is a complicated situation, do not rely on ANY of our advice as applying 100% to you. 1 fact that is different or different state rules can make any of what we write irrelevant.
I did not say she would be better in a home, only that if you do what you proposed without legal consult you could cost her being eligible for benefits such as Medicaid, which in turn could create heaploads of problems for you if nursing home is ever needed (sometimes, situations change beyond what we can anticipate - i.e. your own health makes continued care impossible, or a massive medical issue for MIL, ventilator dependency, etc). What seems like a solution to your current problem could create a huge problem for your MIL, at a great cost to MIL. Even a simple action like being put on the deed could be viewed as 'gifting' and if it is 'gifting', this will be counted against her for her Medicaid application. If this house scenario is feasible the lawyer will tell you how to do it another way so it works well for MIL and the caregivers, is legal with the paperwork to back up the caregiving you can do.
It pays to do everything the right way to keep all care paths open. WWID?
1. Find a Certified Elder Law Attorney (www.nelf.org)
2. Have a legal document, Family Caregivers agreement, drawn up. Have all family members sign it (let the lawyer do the talking since there is arguments in the family - he will know what to say to get family on board. Heck, have separate meetings if needed)
3. Get medical documentation that MIL needs nursing home level care from a physicians.
4. Provide said care for MIL for a period of 2 years in her home.
The lawyer will tell you why this approach is the way to go, instead of just being put on the deed. Disclaimer - this does not apply to all people, this is not legal advice but this is what I would do, doing what I know, with what you have told us , but only if I had an elder law attorney. Find that lawyer to help you.
What does doing things this way do?
-Guarantees that family is on board because they signed the document.
-Pacifies family because your reward/pay for caregiving is received AFTER the 2 years of care are provided
-Lets the lawyer deal with family members
-Makes sure MIL still qualifies for Medicaid, which is sounds like she needs sooner rather than later.
The big question is whether this even makes sense. If you did not have the finances to keep your past house, you could get this house and end up loosing it too. Can you pay the taxes, utilities, get it our of debt? Is owning this house way more trouble down the road that it is worth?
If so, getting paid for caregiving may be the way to go.
Just chatting. . . .you definitely need legal/financial help to sort this out. Remember, too, MIL's situation is one thing, yours is another. The puzzle pieces have to fit.