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The game show “Hollywood Squares” was famous for
spontaneous unrehearsed responses. Here are some of the most memorable. Host
Peter Marshall was asking the questions.
Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should
be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a
party and you think he’s really attractive, is it OK to come out directly and
ask him if he’s married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to
say “I love you?”
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are “Do It”, “I Can Help” and “Can’t Get
A: George Goebel: I don’t know but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: True or false: a pea can last as long as 5,000
A: George Goebel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts
shouting “Poo! Poo! Poo!” What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more
than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Goebel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
“What’s The Matter With Helen?” Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver; that’s why they asked the question.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your
wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for
A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he
was forty-one years old. Now he says it was “one of the best things I ever
did.” What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes
in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
An elderly gentleman walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed,
hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling
slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her.
He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and
says: "So, tell me..... do I come here often?"
following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide.
Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school forit.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Johnson was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
next day the testimony of the doctor continued. (same lawyer)
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Witness: Yes we do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year!
How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: (looking confused) Is that a question?
Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'
Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?
You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
She had three children, right?
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Witness: What do you think counselor?
Did he kill you?
Witness: Excuse me counselor can you repeat the question?
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says,
"I have to kill you because you can identify me"
Lawyer. And did he kill you?
Lawyer: (Showing the witness
a picture) That's You?
Lawyer: And you where
present, right! When the picture was taken ?
that the same nose you broke as a child?
youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
you alone or by yourself.
long have you been a French Canadian?
you have any children or anything of that kind?
you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
you were gone until you returned?
don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you
Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question,
interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead
penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Have you ever wondered where they
Wonder no more! It is a well-established fact that the penguin is a very
ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life within a
well-organized community. Penguins are extremely committed to their
family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate
contact with their offspring and they will remain with their original colony
throughout the remainder of their life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of their family
and the social circle in their colony have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using only their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the
dead bird to be rolled into it. The dead
penguin is then buried by packing the ice back in the hole. The final phase of the burial ceremony occurs
when the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
A young female clerk, with a penchant for
wearing very short skirts, was hired by the owner of a small general store. One
day, a young man entered the store and glanced at the loaves of bread behind
like some raisin bread, please," he said to the clerk.
climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which was located on the
uppermost shelf, providing the man standing beneath her with an excellent view.
she retrieved the bread, a small group of male customers had gathered around
the young man, and all were looking in the same direction. Pretty soon, each
one of them was asking for raisin bread, just so they could see the clerk climb
up and down the ladder.
several trips, the clerk had become tired and irritated. Stopping and fuming at
the top of the ladder, she glared down at the men below and noticed an elderly
man standing among them.
you want a loaf of raisin bread too?" she yelled.
the old man croaked.
the young lady descended the ladder and asked the elderly man what he wanted.
responded, “I’d like two loaves of raisin bread please.”
A nun, badly needing
to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping
with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would
turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the
bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied,
"OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there
wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that
case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender
showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes,
she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun
a loud round of applause.
She went to the
bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me
just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they
know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a
"But, I still
don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the
statue, the lights go out.”
While making his
rounds with a group of medical students, the doctor draws their attention to an
"As is clearly
visible on the x-ray, the patient limps because her right fibula and tibia are
radically arched. Simon, what would you do in a case like this?"
says Simon, pondering the question, "I guess I'd limp too."
Finally, Jack had made it to the last round of
the $5,000,000 Question. The night prior to the big question, he advised the
show's host that he desired a question in American History.
the big night arrived, Jack made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV
audience. He was the best guest the show had ever seen and had become the talk
of the town. The host stepped up to the mic.
for your final question you have chosen American History. If you answer this
question correctly, you will walk away $5,000,000 richer. Are you ready?"
nodded with a cocky confidence and the crowd went wild. He hadn't missed a
question all week.
your American History question is a two-part question. As you are already
aware, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the
question is always easier. Which part would you prefer to take a stab at
first?" said the host.
was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he seemed
to be drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he thought
he'd better play it safe. "I'll try the easiest part first," he said.
host nodded approvingly. "OK, Jack, here we go. I'll ask you the second
half first, then the first half."
audience held their breath with gross anticipation ...
here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day
at the office.
was work, dear? " his wife asks.
I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks
he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that
all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without
you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the
apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and
says to herself, "OH! I guess it’s
that time of the month again."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they
couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the
husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one
about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and
relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone
with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said,
"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I
possibly repay you?"
darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Q: Did you hear about the great new restaurant on the
A: The food is excellent, but there's no atmosphere.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands!
Q: Did you hear about the bones they found on the moon?
A: It seems like the cow didn’t make it.
Q: How do you know when the moon is going broke?
A: When it's down to its last quarter.
Q: Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?
A: To get to the other side?
Q: What did the moon say to his therapist?
A: I'm just going through a phase.
Q: What do you call a clock on the moon?
A: A lunartick.
Q: How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
A: Eclipse it.
Q: What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumference by
A: Moon pi.
Q: How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
A: He Apollo-gises.
Q: What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?
A: The moon.
Q: What do moon people do when they get married?
A: They go off on their honeyearth!
Q: Why wasn't the moon hungry?
A: Because it was full!
Q: Why is an astronaut like a football player?
A: They both want touchdowns!
Q: Why did the moon burp?
A: Because it was full.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Some Earth Day humor…
Q: What did Obi Wan Kenobi say to the tree?
A: May the Forest be with you.
Q: What is a tree's least favorite month?
Q: Why are people always tired on Earth Day?
A: Because they just finished a March
Q: How do trees get on the internet?
A: They log in.
'I have an obsession with wind farms.'
'Yes. I'm a huge fan.'
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic
vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic
vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were.
The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said:
"These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous
To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you’ll have to do that
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her organic vegetable
garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her organic tomatoes to
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red organic
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each
day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the
tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect organic garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to
expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of
I’ll be away for a few weeks.
Twenty Years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steven Jobs..
Now we have No Cash, No Hope, and No Jobs...
Please don't Let Kevin Bacon Die.
remember that word? Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize
the word Murgatroyd?
Heavens to Murgatroyd!
Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad
The other day a not so elderly lady said something to her son about driving a
Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said “What the heck is a
OMG (new phrase)!
He never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old.... but not that
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete
because of the inexorable march of technology.
These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a
broken record" and "Hung out to dry."
Back in the olden days we had a lot of 'moxie.' We’d put on our best 'bib and
tucker' to 'straighten up and fly right'.
Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy
We were 'in like Flynn' and 'living the life of Riley'.
Even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a
pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything
Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.… of spats, knickers,
fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, penny loafers, and pedal pushers… AND
DON’T FORGET… Saddle Stitched Pants
Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say,
Well, I'll be 'a monkey's uncle!'
Or, This is a 'fine kettle of fish'!
We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent,
as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens
and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left
We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your
Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks!
Going like sixty.
I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and
smell the roses.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has
This can be disturbing stuff! ("Carter's Little Liver Pills" are gone
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child
each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of
the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that
once existed… and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the
earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective
It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.
Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone
See ya later, alligator!
WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 50'S.
NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN…
WE WERE GIVEN ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS:
OUR MEMORIES, until we age out of
I realize this won't be appreciated by all.
SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER
OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.”
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.14 I've
reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.15. Be careful about reading
the fine print, there's no way you're going to like it.16. The trouble
with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.17. Do
you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running
around with tattoos?18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Jaguar than in a Ford.19. After 60 if you don't
wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.20. Always be
yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't
matter.21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a
remember: "Politicians and nappies should be changed often ... and for the same
think I might have screwed up. Several of us local retired pilots were asked to
address a junior high gathering put on by the PTA. I was the only speaker to
show up, so I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting
good grades and all that usual bull$hit; and since I had plenty of time because
those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for
last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical
said, “That's an easy one. Looking back over my almost 7 decades, I believe I've
spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and whores. The rest I just
was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live
If it flies, floats, or screws, it's cheaper to rent
If it's got boobs or tires, you're gonna have problems with
hope they invite me back next year so I can
need to know this
missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on
the seventh day.
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to-be
new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't
in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll
bet that any minute now some old senior is going to walk by, put his face to
the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later,
a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around
intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, What are you
One of the men replied
sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old
timer said, "You must be doing well…only two left."
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked
with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up
and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been
pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I
found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's
A little girl was in church
with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said,
"can we leave now?"
"No," her mother
"Well, I think I have to
throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front
door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,"
said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the
little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?"
her mother asked.
"Yes," the little
"How could you have gone
all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" her mother
"I didn't have to go out
of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.