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I drafted an email didn't hit send yet.......
I will have my daughter proof read it tonight, and I also should mention it to my husband first. We haven't crossed paths for the last two days. His said to me once that his fear was that his mother would not be taken care of. Since the FIL's falling and passing event happened in late Sept I thought I wisely chose to help out with caregiving at an absolute bare minimum and let this family take charge of things. Today, I feel a need to jump up and down!! Primary SIL has been spending less and less time there. This past weekend she was ill (or not-- I don't know). No one there. Neighbor found her outside 2x's. They just don't see that if a meal or person who is supposed to be there gets missed, it disorientates MIL. Last night she was in her chair with the TV blaring and she was ready to eat. She thought my husband and son were coming. She had the whole table set. She was very creative with the crock pot heating up a few different left overs. We had to shut the stove off. Then, my curiousity got the best of me so I asked POA BIL (his wife) if they knew primary SIL was sick. She said yes she had called on Sunday and BIL checked on his mother during the day and I believe he went back and did spend the night. Then, I asked if they had the PA600L filled out for MIL. (Medicaid app.) She replied that she didn't know what it was maybe primary SIL knew. She says she has all kinds of copies of paperwork from her. I explained what it was and that I was surprised that the one facility they applied to didn't ask for one. THEN, magically another reply that there is a letter that came today from the Dept. of the Aging saying the level of care determination was completed & submitted. Level of care says nursing care facility, and on the last page were the steps to complete the process. I seriously did not make any of this exchange up. I am now convinced that no one knows what they are doing, and since the caregiver got suspended for non payment I am also convinced that her care is not of a priority.
You see my need of send a let's make this a priority email out to the entire family? I kept it short. 3 short paragraphs. First one asking if anyone had another choice other than placing her that now is the time to speak up. Second paragraph informing of the process we are currently in. Third paragraph apologizing saying I don't mean to be overbearing and that it sucks getting old, having this disease, and that the situation is no ones fault. That I hope we can all work actively together to make MIL safety and well being a top priority.
If there is no response I am going to feel like a criminal, but I will be walking away from this very soon. I can't do it. I'm exhausted. Something bad will happen but at least I tried and it is all documented over the last couple of years. I really don't know what else to do.
It is certainly understandable how you feel and what you think needs to get done but I worry that there is a big red flag. She is not your mother.
I applaud your concern for your mother-in-law but perhaps the email would be more effective if it came from your husband????
You are a fixer, but you cannot fix this family or make up for what the family unit lacks.Hopefully you haven't sent this.You need to let your husband do this. This is his family, his mess. Walk away. You cannot make this better.
If he refuses to do anything, do not lift a finger to help with anything. No paperwork, research, watching LO, nothing.She needs placement and they need to do it, you have done enough.
Good morning. It's a good thing you guys are here with me as I would have made a bad situation worse! I deleted the draft, it's gone.
Last night POA BIL called me. At first I thought oh no something is wrong but no, he asked if husband and I can meet up this weekend. Apparently there is money that FIL has left to MIL and the step POA son has turned it all over to BIL and SIL. Of course I said OK. Finally, now they can make a plan!!
While I find the timing of this a little off-I start honking my horn that I can't do this anymore and asking them to apply to Medicaid and wah la-- my phone rings. Anyway, I decided to just give them the benefit of the doubt in that they just don't know any better, it probably did take this long to settle things, and they weren't just sitting around doing nothing waiting for something to happen to MIL.
My husband was so relieved when I told him this morning. He was shutting down, became very quiet, and was drinking too many beers the last week or so. He was ready to take his mother to a lawyer to try and get control of her affairs. Thankfully, now he shouldn't have to do anything of the sort.
Thank you all again!
Not to pile on - but I would strongly recommend you gently persuade your husband to identify productive stress control strategies. I only say this because 3 years down the road with a difficult family - you really really need them and it's really really hard. I got in the habit of eating crappy food (known in our house as "eating our feelings") and drinking a little more than usual when things got stressful - it's ok for a little bit but not great for the long haul.
With my husband, I positioned it as something I wanted to do and it would be so much better if he did it with me - eating healthy food, taking walks, putting a moratorium on talking about mom and dad, letting him handle his family and not adding to his stress with my "... but what about?!" and "why aren't they...." discussions.
You sound very together but HE sounds like he's struggling.
Hi. Husband and I met with POA BIL and SIL yesterday. It went well. They have almost everything in MILs account now. Grateful that her deceased spouse had a little cash and a life insurance policy which now they can use to get her some help. The lawyer they consulted with first suggested the will be changed to not state BIL AND step brother but rather remove step brother and have it read POA BIL OR my husband. We are Ok with this. Also, they paid the balance on Visiting Angels and they will try to 1st get them hired back to provide some relief to primary SIL. BIL doesn't want to disclose the amount of money to primary SIL, so I said that's up to him and your siblings as I do not wish to invest any more of my emotions into this. I said I am able to help 1 night per week. They were receptive of my suggestions to make a follow up phone call to the one facility which they applied to, and also should look into applying at another one that came recommended by her GP. It is also nearby.
Lastly, they asked about monies husband and I have put out which now can be reimbursed. I'm in a gray area over the geriatric care manager I hired over a year ago. I did this myself and feel that my MIL should not have to incur that cost. I don't know how it would look once her money runs out and she has to be approved for assistance? I'm reading in another thread here that she may be allowed to gift an individual $500. Maybe this is the better choice as to not screw it up for her down the road. I'll try and look this up later...…….thanks for listening once again.
Some helpful info on gifting;
D in law wrote:
I'm in a gray area over the geriatric care manager I hired over a year ago. I did this myself and feel that my MIL should not have to incur that cost. I don't know how it would look once her money runs out and she has to be approved for assistance? I'm reading in another thread here that she may be allowed to gift an individual $500. Maybe this is the better choice as to not screw it up for her down the road.
Who signed the contract with the GCM you or your MIL? If you did, then that would be your expense not your MIL’s. If your MIL signed the contract but you paid for the services, then reimbursement to you from MIL’s funds would most likely not be considered a gift but a reimbursement for expenses as long as you have all the receipts and a care plan etc from the GCM for your MIL to show that the services were in deed for you MIL.Q
IRS rules regarding gifting have nothing to do with Medicaid gifting rules. Medicaid doesn’t allow any money to be gifted if long term care costs are in the future.
If you think there’s a chance her funds will run out, I would keep everything squeaky clean and accounted for.
My research today tells me that I better stick to the $500. That is the only exemption I can find. IRS rules do not apply here IF it's for long term care. MIL did not sign a contract, so if I got reimbursed for say $1500 it's possible MIL could get penalized for what they call an ineligibility period where they would take the 1500-divided by PAs rate per day in a facility /$303 = 4.95 days (rounded to 5 they don't do partial days) that Medicaid will not pay for. She could pay for it out of the reserved assets you're allowed to have $8K, or in PA it doesn't happen often but the facility can file suit with the family/children for the funds.
Thanks for the replies.
Husband has paid her water bill a few times (he works for MILs landlord) and I haven't been asking for reimbursement of the disposals I have delivered. I don't see a problem with either of these items being paid back.
Only (1) $500 small gift exemption is allowed in any given month.
Sure j. I don't know how to link in this forum set up (sorry) but here is what I was reading yesterday:
I was also on my state's "official" website but of course I can't find it in my history now... Now I know why you see all the advice of get an elder care certified attorney. This is all very confusing to a "commoner" like myself.