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Short-term overnight respite - resistant
Well, my mom who lives out of state has a sister (my aunt) who is on hospice and isn't expected to last much longer. When she passes I would really like to go visit and be there for my mom who doesn't have much support locally. The thing is I can't go for a week and leave my dad alone.
I'd really like to put him in a respite care facility but he is resistant to it. I have no one responsible to cover for me while I'm gone. A respite facility is the best option since they can accept him at a moment's notice since I don't know exactly when my aunt will pass and I'll need to fly out. I spend so many hours on him caregiving and do way more than he even understands for him. I really want to be able to be there for my mom and I honestly will resent him if he doesn't go and I can't get back to her home state. I tenderly broached the subject with him letting him know I'd like to go visit mom and his response was "I'll think about it" (said with an attitude). He won't think about it, he'll forget I even brought it up 5 minutes later. He's getting harder to reason with so I'm really not sure how to get him to go. If he refuses, what do I do? Bringing someone in while I'm gone isn't a great option either. He will just tell me he's okay on his own (which he is not). How do you make a reasonable request of someone who can't reason anymore? How do I get him to go into respite for a week so I can be there for my mom.
We don't usually ask them. We just take them and visit for awhile, the aids should take over and we slip out. You can always call him while on your trip. I know it sounds awful but we do what we have to do. You aren't deserting him. You will be back.
You need to do this with fiblets (white lies) to get him to do anything. He will always be resistant to any change. Don't be resentful, it's not him it's a disease that he has no control over.
I would tell him that you're taking him to lunch and leave unannounced when he is concentrating on eating. Ideally, if it's in your budget, you might want to do a trial placement, so that you know what his issues will be ahead of time and you can manage them locally with the staff.
A bit more information since I think where I am coming from is being lost. My dad has already been to this respite facility back in December for 3 weeks while I was out of the country. It was easier to get him to go then because he was recovering from his femur fracture and I could use that as leverage. This facility does not have a minimum number of nights one has to stay and they can take him on short-notice. That is not the issue.
The problem is that my dad is at a stage where he needs someone available to him to help; however, he still has enough mental faculties that fiblets and manipulation rarely work on him! I can't just say "we're going to lunch" and then drive him to the facility and disappear. He will see the place and immediately know it's not a restaurant and will refuse to go in or get out of the car. He'll know something isn't right as soon as I start driving out of the neighborhood. I'm all for using fiblets when they work but I can't think of one that would work in this situation.
Saying "you take him there by whatever means necessary" that's not very helpful. I don't know what means I have to get him there which is why I'm asking for help. I can't pick him up and manhandle him to go or push him out of the car at the facility!
My advice. Just do it. This is an excellent way of checking out the suitability of any ALF.
Use fiblets as needed but don't expect him to understand.
Let's just look at the facts here:
1) Your dad can't be left alone for a week.
2) He can't be reasoned with, so there's no point in trying to convince him that he should go.
That leads us to your options:
1) Bringing a caregiver in to watch him while you're away. Logistically difficult, but eliminates your worry about how you get him to the respite facility and out of the car.
2) You fib to him about where he's going and have the aides at the facility take over after you pull up. Hopefully, they're able to get him inside so you can leave. Is he on any medications that might make him less combative in this situation?
3) You take him with you (certainly not viable but it IS another option).
Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to your problem. Either you try one of the options above, or you don't go see your mom. I wish there was an easier way for you, but I just don't see one.