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Yes, it does make sense to me. We have a family friend who will be 90 years old in a few weeks, who has end stage dementia. She has really gone down hill and no one knows how she is still alive. (Is on Hospice.) We pray for her to be as comfortable as possible, but, know that that likely means she will go to her next life.
And, my LO that I care for is also end stage dementia, though, she only in her 60's. I have the same prayer for her, even though she's much younger. I often wonder how I will feel once she's gone. It's quite surreal to consider.
I prayed for almost year for my spouse to be free from his dementia life. He was alive but not living, no quality of life in any form. And I do not have any lingering guilt because of it. He has been gone for 5 months, at peace. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO LINGER LIKE THAT.
My husband will be 63 this Good Friday, April 19th. He is in a nursing home and is stage 7b, I am told inches away from qualifying for hospice. His quality of life is so low, yet he still knows my face and voice and my touch. I’ve started to tell him when I visit that the kids and I are all ok, and that we have other people who will be there for us and take care of us. I want him to always know that it’s ok if he needs to go. We are ready, but the decision is not ours. I am resigned that there will be no hospitalization if at all feasible, and only comfort care through hospice. I prayed all along that he would go quickly early on from some other condition but that hasn’t happened. He was diagnosed in 2016 at stage 3, so our journey has been fast and i am indeed thankful that it will not be a long one as so many are dealing with.
So yes, dear, it does make sense. HUGS.
Katy sue, you are so very very wise. And so very much too young for this. I am glad for you that DH still knows you. Is it comforting to you? I hope it's good rather than bad.
My mom, stage 6 it seems but not hardcore yet, is almost 30 years older than your DH, and shows no signs of physical dying yet. I think, though, that I'll start dropping a word every so often that we all have people to take care of us, and may start again telling her how wonderful she has been for all those who've been in her life.
Thank you So Much for your post. May your lives continue to be love.
You have stumbled onto what I call "The Unanswerable Question." Every caregiver gets this question. It has no answer that is "right" or even "acceptable." It goes like this:
"Do you want your loved one to die (and stop suffering/free you), or live on (and continue suffering)? You can't answer "yes" to both parts of the question, since a "yes" answer to one part doesn't allow a "yes" answer to the other part. It can also be framed so that no matter what you answer, you're a horrible person (either selfish or cruel, depending on which part gets a "yes.")
It's a question better left unasked and unthought about, unless you prepare for a guilt trip.
My answer is to avoid the question altogether and I just say, "I don't want my wife to suffer, and I will take care of her as long as I can." This has got me through 15 years since symptoms started and almost 7 years as a 24/7 caregiver. It's not the solution for everyone, however. People do what they can, and there is no guilt in doing the best you can. Most people come to the end of the rope sooner or later, and placement can allow you to still care for him while allowing a bit of your life back.
Oh yes, it makes perfect sense. How long? Too long.
My mom is 98 yo and in end stages. She lived a good life. I want this to be over....for both of us. She is no longer the person she was, that I knew and loved dearly. She is the person she feared becoming. She cannot return a hug or smile at my embrace anymore. She cannot communicate in any way we can understand.
Who knows how aware she is of her own condition. My siblings and I will be sad when she is gone, and yet relieved. Seeing her this way is sad beyond belief and is slowly draining us all physically and emotionally - and we aren't even direct caregivers, she is in a good memory care. Moving forward in your own life is hard to do, when you are always on edge waiting for that next phone call.
I just want to add that at night when I'm so, so tired after a day at work, and then taking over from the caretaker....I find myslef wishing I had nobody but me to be responsible for again and a good night's sleep. I miss being able to take a vacation and getting up on Saturday and going to do all of the things I used to.
Yes, someday I'll be able to again. But when? Years? When my health is gone too?
I think of these things at night when I'm exhausted. I don't regret being her caregiver, I really don't. I just have these thoughts and then I feel so selfish.