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Update on my situation(1)
mrgladd
Posted: Monday, April 15, 2019 12:30 PM
Joined: 11/3/2018
Posts: 106


Last Tuesday I told my sibs that the ex-mother-in-law washes her bedding every few days and sometimes uses hot, but usually always puts it on heavy soil and extra rinse and since my brother is tearing his hair out over the utilities I wanted to warn him a big bill was on its way.

Wednesday I received the following text from the exMIL: "Sure your Dad is enjoying his night out with [family friend] ... Saving electricity on my cook day! Never used the Kitchen!!! by the way I have done a white hot wash Sheets and Towels only TWICE since I got here!! I go to bed Showered and don't perspire! Just a clean ol' lady!"

My brain went HULK SMASH and I sent the text to my sibs saying, "Apparently I'm a liar too, and since at least one of you has stated to my face that you don't trust me, I'm going to get a few changes of clothing from the house and then you'll never have to see my lying a** again."

After two hours, my brother responded, "Ah, c'mon! Just hang in there!" at which point Hulk smashed, I snapped and I went home, grabbed whatever I could carry in one trip and drove away. I blocked my brother and sister and the exMIL on my phone and found some friends to take me in.

Thursday afternoon I get a call from the caregiving agency that sends respite care so I can go to support group as they had an odd encounter with the exMIL. The respite person was told that she wasn't needed anymore and that she should leave now and never come back. When asked later where the caregiver was, she reportedly said, "Oh, she got a call telling her she should leave. I have no idea what's going on." I now know that with the ex-MIL, "I have no idea what's going on" means "I did something but can't come up with a plausible explanation of how it isn't my fault."

So the caregiving agency called Adult Protective Services as sending away a respite worker is a HUGE red flag. Like neon signs with those bright circling lights they use at Hollywood premiers. After relaying all this information to my therapist, SHE called Adult Protective Services.

So, the excrement is about to hit the oscillator.

 



pidgeon92
Posted: Monday, April 15, 2019 5:00 PM
Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 191


Oh dear. Family is the worst. That's why I don't associate with most of mine.
Rescue mom
Posted: Tuesday, April 16, 2019 1:57 PM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 384


What’s happened? I would not the state involved. But...your therapist may have been thinking about helping YOU. You have been doing so much. Maybe this is what it will take for other family to get more involved so it’s not all on you. 

It’s horrible that they criticize others, but won’t do it themselves. The first time anyone said that to me, I’d be “ok, YOU take over cause I am out of here.” (Which may be why no family ever says that stuff to me)


MacyRose
Posted: Tuesday, April 16, 2019 2:41 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 3849


Can I ask why you are having such a hard time moving your dad to MC?  When I moved my dad, basically, I found the right facility, picked the apartment and paid, planned the move a few days later using movers who specialize in Senior moves and told dad he was moving day of and that was it.  Seems to me you and your siblings should just move dad, sell his house and stuff to pay for it, get ex MIL out of your lives.  Then there would be no utility bills, no bills for upkeep of the house, no bills for the house at all.  No worries about people firing caregivers as the MC you place him in would be in charge of that.  So much simpler.
gubblebumm
Posted: Tuesday, April 16, 2019 3:09 PM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1022


Macyrose Well, someplaces that are decent have waitlists, don't take medicare, cost 8000 a month, etc.  Its not that easy for the vast majority of people to find a decent place. 

Add to that a very disfunctional family who don't get along and can't agree on anything and some do not want to sell the home or move.  And if any issues with PWD, like cobativeness, etc, well many places won't take them 

  And many PWD refuse to move, cause lots of "drama", and often they are in rentals or don't own a home or the home has little value. 

 You got very easy frankly compared to so many.



D in law
Posted: Tuesday, April 16, 2019 3:12 PM
Joined: 4/24/2017
Posts: 457


Pretty good move by your therapist also calling APS.  I'm just thinking out loud here:  With the agency calling and you leaving, some super cop (social worker) may think you're hiding something since you left.   I trust you have saved emails/texts, all for your protection.  I may sound paranoid, but  it's a "just in case" thought.

More positively:  Mr Gladd I really and truly hope this is it for you.  Your friends can keep you for a little bit, and someone else (namely that brother of yours) can either take care of Dad or find a place for Dad (with or without the help of APS).   Boundry up!  Don't go back.  Let us know how Dad makes out.


MacyRose
Posted: Tuesday, April 16, 2019 3:32 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 3849


gubblebumm wrote:

Macyrose Well, someplaces that are decent have waitlists, don't take medicare, cost 8000 a month, etc.  Its not that easy for the vast majority of people to find a decent place. 

Add to that a very disfunctional family who don't get along and can't agree on anything and some do not want to sell the home or move.  And if any issues with PWD, like cobativeness, etc, well many places won't take them 

  And many PWD refuse to move, cause lots of "drama", and often they are in rentals or don't own a home or the home has little value. 

 You got very easy frankly compared to so many.


Not sure why you responded to my question to mrgladd????   He has stated before that he and his brother are trying to place their dad... 


dayn2nite2
Posted: Tuesday, April 16, 2019 7:28 PM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 1761


MacyRose wrote:
Can I ask why you are having such a hard time moving your dad to MC?  When I moved my dad, basically, I found the right facility, picked the apartment and paid, planned the move a few days later using movers who specialize in Senior moves and told dad he was moving day of and that was it.  Seems to me you and your siblings should just move dad, sell his house and stuff to pay for it, get ex MIL out of your lives.  Then there would be no utility bills, no bills for upkeep of the house, no bills for the house at all.  No worries about people firing caregivers as the MC you place him in would be in charge of that.  So much simpler.
 

The brother (who holds the financial strings also) is merely pretending to cooperate in getting the father placed.  He has been stringing Mr. Gladd along for a number of months now and basically using Mr. Gladd as a caregiver indefinitely.  Mr. Gladd can no longer provide services and brother has been told this.

So really there is no plan to place the father - only to placate Mr. Gladd so he continues providing free caregiving services with no end date.

Mr. Gladd cannot make placement arrangements because he has no legal authority to do so, the brother has all that authority.  We recommended to Mr. Gladd that he terminate his free caregiving and leave and allow the brother to deal with everything, which is now occurring.

APS is appropriate now because outside people looking in is the only thing that will cause brother to take action.  


mrgladd
Posted: Wednesday, April 17, 2019 7:30 PM
Joined: 11/3/2018
Posts: 106


I don't think I could qualify his behavior as stringing me along hoping that I'll take care of Dad indefinitely, but he did pull a fast one on me when I moved down here. I was  broke, jobless, and about to be evicted so the choice was live on the streets in Seattle or move to San Diego and help take care of Dad. I was leaning more towards homelessness because I knew I couldn't handle being a 24/7 caregiver and my sister told me that they'd have a caregiver during the day so I could look for a job and an apartment and stuff and then just handle Dad at night.

I get here, move my stuff in (my brother was not there at the time) and my brother texts me that he's canceled all the caregivers because it costs too much and he's my responsibility now.

That is the kind of horsesh*t I've had to deal with over the past fifteen months and especially after the cognitively wacko ex-MIL was thrown in that completely made the mood in the house go to hell it was either continue to navigate the household and possibly make another suicide attempt, or just leave which was the choice I went with because I couldn't stand her bull any longer. I've watched her lie lie lie and my siblings swallow it whole and I had enough.

The ex-MIL will soon have the house to herself thinking that she is going to manage an Air-BnB and she has a rude awakening coming. My brother is now starting to find out that he bought a pig in a poke and that everything is screwed up which I tried to tell him for two months.

I told my therapist today that if this means I am estranged from my siblings for the rest of my life, I can live with that. She said she wanted to talk about that next time as we were at the end of the session.

Either way, I'm done and there is no legal way my brother can compel me to do anything. He has PoA. He refused to share it. He refused to give it up. Therefore, he can now clean up this mess.



mrgladd
Posted: Wednesday, April 17, 2019 7:36 PM
Joined: 11/3/2018
Posts: 106


MacyRose wrote:
Can I ask why you are having such a hard time moving your dad to MC?  When I moved my dad, basically, I found the right facility, picked the apartment and paid, planned the move a few days later using movers who specialize in Senior moves and told dad he was moving day of and that was it.  Seems to me you and your siblings should just move dad, sell his house and stuff to pay for it, get ex MIL out of your lives.  Then there would be no utility bills, no bills for upkeep of the house, no bills for the house at all.  No worries about people firing caregivers as the MC you place him in would be in charge of that.  So much simpler.

As dayn2nite2 said, my brother is PoA. I have no legal authority to do anything.

Let me illustrate with another example. I attempted suicide on December 9th, 2018 after 10 months of 24/7 caregiving after my brother informed me that he wasn't sure they'd be able to pay me a monthly stipend anymore. I was already way behind in my bills, so at this point I was f*cked and I decided I might as well check out.

After I got out of the hospital (during which time, my brother made several other major boo-boos which kept me in the facility longer than was necessary), I told him, "Bro, I am done. I cannot keep taking care of Dad or I will kill myself. I. NEED. HELP... HELP. ME!!!!"

"Hmm... maybe you can take some of the stipend we give you and hire someone!"

HULK SMASH! He may as well have said "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers." This is what I've been up against the last 15 months and I just reached the point where it was do or die (quite literally) so I left.



MacyRose
Posted: Wednesday, April 17, 2019 9:56 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 3849


mrgladd wrote:
MacyRose wrote:
Can I ask why you are having such a hard time moving your dad to MC?  When I moved my dad, basically, I found the right facility, picked the apartment and paid, planned the move a few days later using movers who specialize in Senior moves and told dad he was moving day of and that was it.  Seems to me you and your siblings should just move dad, sell his house and stuff to pay for it, get ex MIL out of your lives.  Then there would be no utility bills, no bills for upkeep of the house, no bills for the house at all.  No worries about people firing caregivers as the MC you place him in would be in charge of that.  So much simpler.

As dayn2nite2 said, my brother is PoA. I have no legal authority to do anything.

Let me illustrate with another example. I attempted suicide on December 9th, 2018 after 10 months of 24/7 caregiving after my brother informed me that he wasn't sure they'd be able to pay me a monthly stipend anymore. I was already way behind in my bills, so at this point I was f*cked and I decided I might as well check out.

After I got out of the hospital (during which time, my brother made several other major boo-boos which kept me in the facility longer than was necessary), I told him, "Bro, I am done. I cannot keep taking care of Dad or I will kill myself. I. NEED. HELP... HELP. ME!!!!"

"Hmm... maybe you can take some of the stipend we give you and hire someone!"

HULK SMASH! He may as well have said "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers." This is what I've been up against the last 15 months and I just reached the point where it was do or die (quite literally) so I left.


mrgladd, I'm not OK with what your brother is pulling on you.  You need and deserve to stay out of that house.  From what I understand you now have a new job.  Look for a cheap apartment.  Right now, there are many college students who are giving up garage apartments and other inexpensive accommodations as it is the end of the school year.  Find yourself a good deal.  I don't know if you have any nice furniture, but since you are working, another good way to go is as a "mansion minder" where you live in a house that is for sale.  You have to be tidy as the house will be shown whenever, but on the other hand, it's cheap and you have all the advantages of an expensive home without any of the costs.  Another option is petsitting where you live in or house sitting where you also live in.  Both of these options you can do while working full time and you make extra money.  In your position, I'd much rather take care of 5 super sweet toy dogs who love on you than what you were going through with your dad.  Anyway, just consider the possibilities of these ideas until you get enough of a nest egg from your job to get your own apartment.  

In the meantime, I sense some enmeshment with your dad's place and the situation with the former MIL.  Please disconnect yourself.  Remember what others here have said:  "Not your monkeys, not your circus."  That is so true here.  Other than mentioning to your brother that placement is the simplest and least expensive solution, disconnect and do not allow yourself to be drawn into their drama.  This should not have been your problem to begin with as your brother is POA.  He needs to fulfill his duties and leave you out of it.

 


citydock2000
Posted: Thursday, April 18, 2019 9:13 AM
Joined: 9/7/2017
Posts: 757


Are you in San Diego ? Oh good lord, No such thing as a “cheap” apartment here. Avg 1-bedroom is $1800+. 

Another reason to hightail it out of SD as soon as you can. Our salary/housing ratio is the worst in the country. Care costs are pretty high too and the demand for caregivers is hiiigh. 

I have no tolerance for crazy family.  Get out, change your phone number. 


mrgladd
Posted: Sunday, April 21, 2019 5:43 PM
Joined: 11/3/2018
Posts: 106


Yes to San Diego and I know. Boy do I know. It's like Seattle all over again (the city I had been living for 25 years prior to having to move down to take care of Dad). Most Craiglist listings I've run across are scams (they ask for money before you can see the place) and everything else is more than $2000 for a decent one bedroom apartment. Smaller, older places with no amenties I can actually afford, but you might as well be squatting in an abadoned building.

Here's the real kicker. I could've been working since I got here in February, 2018. I was told by my sister that there would be caregivers during the day and I would care for Dad at night so I should be ready to get a job ASAP. 

I get here, start looking and the next morning my brother calls and says that he's canceled all the caregivers and Dad's my responsibility now. I said wait, what about- "Sorry, he's out of money." I used up the lat of my savings to move so I was literally bankrupt, couldn't even put a gallon of gas in the car and was now trapped with my Dad 24/7. Is it any wonder I eventually tried to kill myself?


Livesbythebeach
Posted: Monday, April 22, 2019 6:57 AM
Joined: 4/3/2019
Posts: 31


Dear MrGladd,

You have been under so much stress, and it became unbearable, and that's why you tried to "end it". The stress of moving so far away, being broke, and having to be a caretaker is A LOT.  Too much, perhaps.  I am so sorry that you felt that bad, and I say that with complete compassion and zero judgement.  And not having your own place is very stressful- I'm sure the friends who you are staying with are lovely, but it's not your own home. 

Did you get any resources for counseling/medication/etc after your attempt?  I know how frustrating it can be when trying to access mental health services. However, there ARE resources out there.  Is there a local health clinic where you can get counseling?  I am not familiar with the options in your area, but you could call the national suicide hotline and ask for referrals.  I know in my state, if you don't have health insurance, you can go to a community health center and they will set it up for you.  Or can you call a local alz chapter and see if they have counseling resources for you? 

I have some friends who live out that way and work in vaguely related fields, I will ask them. 

 

 


mrgladd
Posted: Monday, April 22, 2019 1:20 PM
Joined: 11/3/2018
Posts: 106


Thanks for asking @livesbythebeach.

No, I didn't get any help after my suicide attempt. I was told to basically call the crisis line. I did that once. They suggested a 12 step program. I asked them just what was I addicted to, and they couldn't answer that. But there was no help for someone like me on MediCal to get help. I could see a Psychiatrist for meds once every two months, but that was it. There were no counselors or therapists available to me at all. The folks who did take MediCal were full up and couldn't accept new patients and the sliding scale programs had 12-24 month waiting lists.

Now that I have a job I'm seeing a therapist twice a week. Finally. She's really helping, too. I'm learning to deal with my brother and finally unpacking a lot of the crap that's happened to me over the last year.


 
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