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At my wits end(1)
He never cleans and mom doesn't regularly clean. Every week I'm over there cleaning as much as I can, even though mom does not like me to clean because she says that she does it.
I have to go through the fridge and pull out anything expired or questionable to make sure mom doesn't eat something bad, nothing my brother who lives there does.
I would love her to move in with me but she refuses to leave the house she has lived in most of her life.
She is still aware enough that she would not agree to move into ALF or MC. But I'm not 100% sure how often she is showering, etc. My brother just ignores it because he is in denial that there is even anything wrong with her. She has been officially diagnosed with both Alz and Vascular Dementia.
I work full time and only live 10 minutes away but I don't have the energy to visit every day, and I feel guilty about this. I love my mom, I want the best for her, but every phone call, every visit I have to put on the happy face nod and smile and agree as she tells me the same thing for the 50th time, or makes things up that never happened.....
I just don't know what to do, I 've tried talking to my brother but he won't listen and gets mad.
I'm truly at my wits end here.
Such a difficult situation. Many folks have written similar tales. The bottom line is who has power of attorney, and is your mother's dementia enough advanced to warrant using POA? Even then, you have to decide if you want to provoke a family war by pushing the issue. If not, you just keep on helping out and doing what you can, hoping that no serious safety situations occur. And a lot of self-talk: Remind yourself that the timing isn't right yet to push the issues, your brother's bad behavior is out of your control and you're doing good work for your Mom.
Sorry to read about this very difficult situation with your mother. I hate to say it but I think you need to assume that your mother and brother will not agree to any changes. Trying to convince either of them to recognize and fix problems will be a waste of energy. You alone will have to force changes without much help from them.
You will need to establish some control. Do you have POA? Can you convince your mother to give you POA so you can help with her taxes, bills, and house maintenance? Depending on how far along your mother's AD has progressed it may be too late for her to sign a new POA. IMO you should consult a CELA certified elder law attorney for legal advice. You may even need to petition the court for guardianship as a last resort.
More background info about your Mom's situation would help us give helpful ideas.
Key thing is your mother is still calling you. I wish i could say just jump in and fight, now. Do it. It's a hard thing to do but if you don't who will? I know its tiring and trying. but what do you want for your mom? In my own experience, I waited. I let my siblings decide. They just waited too. Then took mom from her large home and sold all her belongings to their pleasure, stuck her in a room and had her do nothing for near two years and then said Well let's place her now because she isn't active anymore. I stopped that, said NOH, she's not active because yr not allowing it. We made a big change. Though it's been hard, she's thrived.
Cody made a great comment. But, I say jump in now, she's still calling on you.