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Having a significant other when your spouse is in later stages.
Posted: Thursday, May 16, 2019 8:22 PM
Joined: 3/1/2013
Posts: 3

Five years ago, when she was able to still make decisions, Ann suggested something that I could never have imagined.  One by one, her friends had distanced themselves and having sat with me researching the disease, stages and final outcome, she wanted to fix me up with one of the single ladies in our community.
I was quite shocked but I understood her reasoning.  Not only would she have a girlfriend for me but someone she could do things with and have as a BFF companion. 

I put it off until two years ago when, together, we joined a dating site.  ...And I mean TOGETHER.  Both our photos were displayed and I was totally honest as to the type of relationship we were seeking. I said that I'd never meet anyone without my wife present. 
After over 200 positive responses from all kinds of ladies, many of whom are still facebook friends, I felt overwhelmed, canceled my subscription and backed off for a while.

Last July, I decided to try again and joined another site called "Farmers Only".  There we met a beautiful, smart, sweetheart of a lady who lost her mother to ALZ. 
Her father was Mom's only caregiver until her sister came to help.  Her dad and his sister in law cared for his wife until she died a year later.  They are now married which explains acceptance of such an unusual living, loving lifestyle. 
She still has a daughter living at home for another year until she goes off to college.  At that point, she'll move in with us full time and we'll continue as an alternative "family of three". 

Gone is the depression, ambiguous grief and feelings of doom.  I can rest easy knowing that Ann is well cared for, loved and enjoying the best quality of life possible. 

This, obviously, is not a solution I would suggest for everyone but, for us it has worked out beautifully but the discussion must start long before they lose the ability to make sound decisions.  

Feel free to comment, send a private message or ask questions.  
I will not tolerate judgmental remarks and neither will this forum.  

We're also on facebook  Bruce N Ann Williams. 

File Attachment(s):
smaller ann and sharon.jpg (161603 bytes)

Posted: Thursday, May 16, 2019 10:52 PM
Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 239

Good for you.
King Boo
Posted: Friday, May 17, 2019 7:18 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 2960

Thank you for sharing your story!

Before consolidating households, take the time to get your financial and wills/trusts in order.

Whenever there is a second marriage or relationship, especially if one of the parties has children, things can get messy down the road.  A CELA can sort things out in everyone's best interest ahead of time and avoid a lot of problems.

Take care

Katy sue
Posted: Friday, May 17, 2019 8:13 AM
Joined: 9/24/2016
Posts: 224

Such a heart warming story! My first thought is how beautiful it is that this idea came from your wife’s heart. How thoughtful, giving and courageous she is to think of you and your future. And it also is a positive for her needs as well. In the future, she may not remember this conversation. But you will. And she knew that when she came up with the idea. This story is a true testament to real and lasting love. Best wishes for all.
Posted: Friday, May 17, 2019 11:39 AM
Joined: 5/1/2013
Posts: 142

This is such an interesting story.  Thank you for sharing your experience, and I am so happy to hear it has worked out.
Rescue mom
Posted: Friday, May 17, 2019 12:08 PM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 573

Good for you all! Congrats on making it happen, and admiration for your DW for thinking of you and your future.

I also echo what king boo said about making sure wills and finances are written down and signed off for all legal angles. Tragedies do happen, people can pass unexpectedly, and family disputes in such circumstances can become legal nightmares—and far from what was intended.

Posted: Friday, May 17, 2019 12:51 PM
Joined: 9/5/2017
Posts: 195

Intetesting.  Best wishes to you all.
Posted: Saturday, May 18, 2019 12:14 PM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 319

Dear Bruce,

I visited your Facebook page. I watched the videos of Ann. 

What a special woman she was and still is. I think it’s wonderful that she thought 

a head of what things would be like for you.  Thank you for sharing the videos of Ann.


Posted: Saturday, May 18, 2019 7:52 PM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 1119

Welcome to the forums. It seems that you have a wife who is very much in love with you. 

I think it is very important to see a CELA (certified elder law attorney). He/she should know of any plans you have going forward. You really have to cover all the bases for yourself because things don't always work out the way we think they will. Not trying to scare you, but you do need to protect yourself. I hope everything works out well for everybody.

Posted: Thursday, May 30, 2019 9:56 PM
Joined: 3/1/2013
Posts: 3

Thank you all for your loving support.  
And, thanks for the good advice.  Fortunately, I have a great estate lawyer who, a few years ago. set up trusts for most of our assets that goes directly to our kids.  We review it every two years and sometimes, make a few changes.  

Sharon also has her own trust which is tied to her family farms.    

One of the things I was worried about on these dating sites were the obvious gold diggers and, believe me, there were plenty of them.  Sharon was a wonderful exception.  She is financially independent and we've set up a separate bank account that we can both use.  Her daughter is looking at medical schools and will, due to her academic record, have many scholarships and grants to choose from.
Posted: Saturday, June 1, 2019 11:39 AM
Joined: 7/17/2017
Posts: 230

Personally, gives me the creeps.  Hope it works for you, though. Do friends and family support the set-up?
Posted: Monday, June 10, 2019 9:58 PM
Joined: 3/1/2013
Posts: 3

First, please don't call us a "set up".  It is a decision between three people to make the best of a horrible situation.

Yes, all our families and friends know all about our family of three and are very supportive. 
The reality of all this is a wonderful woman in stage six who is one of the happiest, healthiest Alzheimer's patients one can imagine.  

Even our pastor said:   "Sometimes we preachers must think outside the pulpit."    

Posted: Monday, June 10, 2019 10:25 PM
Joined: 5/22/2018
Posts: 141

I learned long ago to never judge. I am truly amazed at your wife's consideration and unselfishness. 

 It reminds me of the book "When Madeline was Young" by Jane Hamilton.  It's a novel about a young wife who became brain damaged after marriage, and has a developmental age of a 7 yr old.  Later, the husband divorced her legally so he could remarry, but they lived together as a family and his second wife took care of her in the most loving way the rest of her life. It's really a touching book if you want a good read. 

Posted: Monday, June 10, 2019 10:47 PM
Joined: 5/22/2018
Posts: 141


Bruce, I just read some of your FB posts and some of Ann's videos. You are so sweet and patient with her. I know my mom will be soon forgetting my name, too.

 I love the way you told her "It doesn't matter if you don't remember my name, what matters is that you know we love you." I could see her face look so reassured by that! 

Best to all of your family.

Posted: Monday, June 10, 2019 10:56 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 1934

It's all good and I'm glad you shared.  I would tell my husband to go do the same thing.
Posted: Tuesday, June 11, 2019 9:47 AM
Joined: 4/16/2019
Posts: 12

I think it's just lovely how you take care of your wife and I can tell that she is very loved. I appreciated your story on Facebook about the whole showering thing. I have the exact same problem with my mom. The other day she told me that she wished she would be around  I'm 83 so she can tell me to have a shower. And then she told me how when she was a kid that you were lucky to get one back a week! I've tried everything! And it's always the same thing, she thinks she just did it a day or two ago. She remembers what she's done all her life and can't believe it's any different. Part of me wishes she had a dog just to try out your method though!!
Posted: Tuesday, June 11, 2019 1:39 PM
Joined: 6/11/2019
Posts: 1

Absolutely beautiful and so selfless of your lovely wife.
ALZConnected Moderator
Posted: Tuesday, June 11, 2019 4:55 PM
Joined: 8/17/2011
Posts: 145

ALZConnected encourages a healthy exchange of opinions. If you disagree with a participant’s post or opinion and wish to challenge it, do so with respect. Posts that contain name calling, insults or personal attacks are subject to removal.
Posted: Wednesday, June 12, 2019 7:06 PM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 460

If you don't ~ fawn ~ over the idea presented here, TAKE DOWN time. Good to know what the Alz Assoc fervently stands for.
Posted: Thursday, June 13, 2019 9:14 PM
Joined: 7/17/2017
Posts: 230

I also support healthy exchange of opinions.  I did not insult anyone.  just because I don't happen to think highly of the situation, is this website going to start censoring and hand-slapping me?  If the poster wants only 100% thumbs-up, then I think somebody is on a power-trip and in need of a reality check.
Posted: Thursday, June 13, 2019 10:31 PM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 1828

My post was removed because I pointed out how cleverly the husband is using the “significant other” to tend to his needs and hers—for free, which is not such a deal for her.

OP wanted discussion, but actually he only wants discussion that gushes approval for this thing they have in place (since we cannot call it a setup because he gets offended).

Posted: Thursday, June 13, 2019 11:31 PM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1133

I personally would not want to be involved with someone who had so much "stuff" going on that I would have to deal with at that time of my each his own, but I wouldn't want to deal with my BF's wife or whatever and be a caregiver. Her choice sure, but eh, too many complications and stresses.  I don't enjoy taking care of my own mom, so why would I sign up to caregive for someone else's wife.  Sorry, this isn't about morals or anything, just sorry, no man would be worth it to me, call me selfish, but yup, nope
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