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AL living / resistance to assistance
I'm almost exactly where you are, leahm. It's not my mom though, it's my sister. My response is similar to others here -- "I'm sorry, I can only imagine how difficult it is for you." And then I try to move on to her cats because they make her happy.
Her filters are starting to go, and she's often not aware when she says or does something hurtful. I know it's not her speaking, it's the AD, and I try to let it roll off. For me, talking about it with the rest of our close, extended family helps, plus I see a therapist periodically. It all helps.
leahm, AL is simply not the proper placement for someone with dementia. I'm sure you have read this on these boards. My experience was that after mom was in two different ALs and the cost was sky high with the care being subpar, I finally moved her to an MC. It was night and day. The caregivers knew exactly how to give her the help she needed and knew when to leave her be.
She was higher functioning then many, but after a stroke was in a wheelchair and needed the caregivers to toilet her, get her to activities and meals. The moment she saw that these caregivers were so good at what they did, she became cooperative. I was amazed. Also, the community I moved her to was a smaller MC only. No more of the larger IL, AL and MC corporations. The cost for all her care was inclusive and part of being in MC. No more charges for one extra pill. We went from $9,000/month to $5,500/month. Perhaps looking into MC is the way to go.
angel, copy and paste your post and start your own thread, your question is lost here tacked onto another person's thread.
This is a very common scenario what you report. None of us placed because we wanted to, we placed because we had to. Care needs drive the decision making, incontinenance is one of those turning crisis points (along with exit seeking, night wakenings) for placement.
This disease can take an entire family down. Read the many posts that receive advice about placement, it will be helpful.
LEAH- Assisted living is just that - assistance. It is not dementia specific care, it is designed for the gently failing resident who needs A LITTLE help with meds, housekeeping, and meals.
Patching together extra care by paying at the AL level is a disaster, because they are not a dementia specific provider like MC. Probably don't know how to redirect, identify crisis for a memory impaired person, etc.
Move her to Memory Care, preferably one with a good attached nursing home.
Leahm, "land in a big pile of compassion" ?? hahahaha That would probably require a whole lot of mind-altering medications - not a good idea. And you will always be the evil daughter. My mom and I had a great relationship all our lives until the last year. When she started seeing me as the enemy, I backed off from visiting as frequently. I had a couple other folks do short visits and give me reports. The situation was still stressful, but not as bad as personal visits which always included the insults and anger. As long as your mom is being well cared for in AL and has the other relatives helping with her care and the dog, just bow out for awhile. Make your visits shorter and less frequent. It won't change her attitude towards you, but less exposure to her will help you a bit. You realize by now that you simply cannot appease her no matter how hard you try.
Also, I agree with some of the other posts that are recommending MC. I learned too late that AL is not the ideal situation for dementia patients. But, with a little dog involved, your options are limited. And two years at the same location is a good track record.
Good luck - don't loose your sanity.
leahm, You just described my exact feelings. My husband and I are caring for his 85 yo Father with dementia. We moved him to Missouri from Florida to live in a bungalow next door and it has drained almost every bit of life out of me for the last four months. The most frustrating part of it is that he has the money to pay for the best care facility but won't let go of it. As you say about your Mom, he also has much more than most.
I feel as though my 42-year marriage is suffering because my husband and I are arguing constantly out of frustration. We've always had a wonderful relationship with him and I hate the thought of losing that, but I just don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with him and vilifies us to everyone he talks to. I know it's the disease talking, but how do you keep your sanity while trying to explain something he can't understand and endure the snarky comments?
I wish I had an answer for you, myself and everyone dealing with this awful disease but I don't. If you find that big pile of compassion, can you let me know where that is - I'd love to join you!
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom. First, I'm new to the site and was trying to post from my smart phone which I won't be doing anymore. My apologies for the misstep. I'm on my laptop today and the buttons are more accessible.
I agree no one wants to place their loved one. At this point I think it would be detrimental especially to dad. We are going to try and keep working with mom. I called the Hospice social worker this morning and she is going to bring it up in team meeting tomorrow to see if management/RN's have any other suggestions.
Prayers and hugs to all here.
not a problem at all - you will just got a lot more answers on your own thread, mabye even find someone who is going through exactly what you are.
posting from smartphones is awkward - I just texted my contractor by accident instead of my daughter - told him h e looked beautiful in his dance costume, of all things!!!