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Might be having a panic attack
Posted: Tuesday, June 11, 2019 2:09 PM
Joined: 2/24/2015
Posts: 35

Hi all

So the more and more I focus on Alz and my mother's case, the more and more I begin to panic and get depressed. I am so scared that I might have it but do not have the courage to get my genes tested. I think if I found out that I was carrying it I would get even more depressed and lose all will to live. I know that's dark but it's how I feel. The past decade has been torture and no one in my family besides my cousin will let me feel scared. My parents (father and step-mother) just shut me down and say that there will be a cure before it hits, if I have it. Well what comfort does that give me if I am one of the patients who develops before 30?

I don't know. I either feel numb or anxious. When I get in these moods I regress back into the mindset that there is no point in focusing on it or writing about it. Maybe that's just a symptom of me repressing all of my emotions for years and deciding to make a leap and air out my dirty laundry on a blog hah.

I go from positive and happy to absolutely horrified and hopeless. I'm guessing you guys can relate. I think what makes it a smidgen worse is that I'm so young and I have to worry about my life ending before it even has time to grow. I want to live to see grandkids, retire, move to an island and go fishing everyday.

I feel both heard and utterly alone.

D in law
Posted: Tuesday, June 11, 2019 3:25 PM
Joined: 4/24/2017
Posts: 589

Hi.  I'm so sorry about your mother and that you had to join here and you are having these feelings.   I wanted to say, there is another forum here that you may have seen for people with early on set.   You are so young.  I am not aware that there is a gene test that dictates one getting this disease??  I think you are just as likely to NOT ever get this, at any age, and you will grow old and have a very happy life.  

I can certainly understand having these thoughts, but I would definitely reach out for help instead of panicking if you continue to feel like this.   Even the hotline @ 800.272.3900 could help you separate fact from fiction in regards to this dreadful awful disease.  It is a free call. Please let us know how you're doing.   Sorry you are here, but feel free to vent/share anytime.

Posted: Wednesday, June 12, 2019 3:16 PM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 287

How could you not feel like this?  What you went through was trauma.  You were so young when your mother was diagnosed.  You were at an age when you were going through so many changes of your own and needed her guidance.  What you had to do then was stuff everything.  But 'stuffing' doesn't work.  It always come out in some way.  

You father doesn't understand what you are going through.  He has no biological connection to your mother so doesn't have those worries himself.  Secondly, he was an adult when this happened - not a child who was dependent on the person being affected.  And a child just entering adolescence!  How very, very hard for you.

I don't have any advice regarding your chances of getting EOA but I do have some advice for the charged emotions attached to that thought.  

It certainly sounds like you have PTSD.  And by the way, stress affects memory quite potently so be aware of that when you're doing something crazy like leaving the remote in the fridge when you were up getting a snack.

Back to the trauma... unless it's addressed you will always be hyper-vigilant.  It's like someone who has been attacked and sees danger everywhere afterwards and can't sleep due to the fear that it can happen again.  It's the emotions that need to be addressed. Then the fear won't consume you.  You will be able to think about this issue logically and not have it be a monster that hovers over you continually.  I know that doesn't even seem possible right now because every time you think about it the fear response is it right there.  But it is possible.  It is!

I hope you are seeing a therapist.  That will definitely help - but talk therapy will only get you so far.  The part of the brain that controls our fear center is the Amygdala.  It is sometimes called the 'reptilian brain' as it does not respond to logic.  It is the part of our brain that tries to keep us safe.  There have been some recent therapies that target this part of the brain that have been particularly effective for PTSD and trauma.  I know of one called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) that has many success stories.   Perhaps something to look in to?

Think of a bunch of people on a plane.  Most of them are absolutely fine and are busy watching a movie or whatever their fancy is, but there are some that are incredibly fearful.  Nothing is logically different between the 2 groups of people.  The plane can still crash but those not panicking about it don't have their fear centers involved.  Their logical brains have control of the information.  

You want to get to the point where these thoughts causing you to panic don't own you.  You want to get to the place where you feel control in your life once again.  I wish you all the best Madison.  

Posted: Wednesday, June 12, 2019 3:36 PM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1596

I was breaking out in hives...been awhile now since last hive attack, but yeah, its my fear as well
Posted: Thursday, June 13, 2019 4:45 PM
Joined: 2/24/2015
Posts: 35

mostlyme wrote: 

It certainly sounds like you have PTSD.  And by the way, stress affects memory quite potently so be aware of that when you're doing something crazy like leaving the remote in the fridge when you were up getting a snack.   

Holy crap I have never had someone validate me like that. Thank you. I also have PTSD from relationship-oriented stuff, so I never really focused on this side of everything. Makes some sense. Probably should see a therapist (I have been avoiding it like the's scary to unwrap my past since I stuff it down). It makes me feel better that it's really not abnormal. I think I'm just hypersensitive to it all, which is a big reason why I've been blogging and getting it out of my head, like how I make excel spreadsheets for job applications. Put it out of the head and it has less freedom to swim around and bother me.

Thank you for your support, guys. It means a lot.   

Posted: Friday, June 14, 2019 12:17 PM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 287

Trust me Madison, I understand.  It's so hard to confront all that 'stuff'.  You need to be ready for sure.  Unfortunately that's usually when the discomfort gets too intense.  

You seem like a smart, aware person.  I have no doubt that you will come out the other side of this - on your own time.  

I'm glad I could help you feel validated.  Just so you know - that's what a good therapist will do for you.  And they won't push you into anything you aren't ready for.  

I'm rooting for you!


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