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Outsiders taking advantage of LO
Hello DF and welcome. I will try to be gentle, this is what I hear from an outside perspective:
Your dad shows personality changes, and can be combative.
He has chronic degenerative medical issues (is MD muscular dystrophy?)
He’s been manipulated by others, and not in his best interest
You’re caregiving from a distance, and your mother is exhausted and burnt out
IMHO your dad IS ready for placement, for his benefit and for your mom’s too. It’s really, really hard getting your mind around this, but with the right level of care he will be safe, and your mom will be less stressed. The best advice I got here was “place your LO based on their worst day, not on their ‘best’ “. Memory care might be right.
Once you’ve thought about this, talked to your mom and meet with an eldercare attorney. Get your company’s FMLA forms NOW and have the neurologist fill them out at the upcoming appointment. You don’t have to file it immediately, but having the medical certification forms done is a huge plus.
Do take some FMLA time to visit multiple care centers, to see what your options are. And the best one might not be local.
Best of luck, glad you found us and started posting!
Leaving a vulnerable senior in 100 degree heat and using his property sound like Elder Abuse to me.You could report the neighbor for that now or if they trouble your folks again. (How awful if he had been used as a "wheel man" in a bank robbery "Retired detective turns to crime", ugh).
If you take your father in (more on that later) could your mother fend for herself in the house? She may be tired of the situation , but actually separating from her spouse and being alone is a different thing.
If you did try to move your father in, would he try to get back home, get more "combative"?
The new evaluation is a great starting point.
Next, him driving- sounds like he shouldn't be, does your mother drive? Or do you need to remove the car? How would they get to Doctor's etc then?
I'd start looking at places in the area where your father could be moved through the stages of care, leaving your mom at the right level for her , unless she can and wants to live alone in their home.
I'm sorry you are having to begin this journey. FMLA probably doesn't last long enough to see him to "the end" so long range planning for both of them is better.
If your parents haven't done the legal stuff DPOA, etc now would be a good time to get them to an elder care lawyer. They could also advise how to protect your parents funds from your dad being preyed upon- setting up a trust maybe.
Keeping a sense of humor helps in this sad journey, with your father's past occupation, all I could think of was the game Clue-- when we try to find what the PWDs did with ordinary items --Did Colonel Mustard put the day's mail in the trash with the missing cell phone charger?
Sorry you had to find us but glad you did.
DO not take him in to live with you, everyone will suffer and no one will benefit. Have him checked for a UTI asap anyway. Check his financial statements, if they have him driving around, bet he might have "lent" them money, etc.
Make a police report, suspiscious incident is what we call them here, it helps create a paper trail. Document everything.
1. People are ready for memory care when they become a danger to themselves or others. 100 degree heat for 4 hours is DANGEROUS and indicates that he doesn't have good judgement.
2. Get him off the road. He should not be driving.
3. Don't move him in with you. It will jeopardize your marriage and your job.
4. If others are taking advantage of him, this is another indication that he has bad judgement and needs to be protected.
5. If Mom can't protect him, he needs to be in memory care.
Not all memory care facilities are created equal. Some of them only want to deal with the 90-lb. little old lady who sits quietly in a wheelchair. If a facility is reluctant to take your father, it probably isn't the right place for him. They will find a way to discharge a resident that they consider to be "difficult."
My husband was very agitated, angry and combative. I was lucky to find a small group home (licensed for 10 residents) that had caregivers who each had 20-30 years of experience. It was a blessing. I used a referral placement service. She works in the Phoenix area, but maybe there is someone near you that provides a service like this one.