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Outsiders taking advantage of LO
Hello DF and welcome. I will try to be gentle, this is what I hear from an outside perspective:
Your dad shows personality changes, and can be combative.
He has chronic degenerative medical issues (is MD muscular dystrophy?)
He’s been manipulated by others, and not in his best interest
You’re caregiving from a distance, and your mother is exhausted and burnt out
IMHO your dad IS ready for placement, for his benefit and for your mom’s too. It’s really, really hard getting your mind around this, but with the right level of care he will be safe, and your mom will be less stressed. The best advice I got here was “place your LO based on their worst day, not on their ‘best’ “. Memory care might be right.
Once you’ve thought about this, talked to your mom and meet with an eldercare attorney. Get your company’s FMLA forms NOW and have the neurologist fill them out at the upcoming appointment. You don’t have to file it immediately, but having the medical certification forms done is a huge plus.
Do take some FMLA time to visit multiple care centers, to see what your options are. And the best one might not be local.
Best of luck, glad you found us and started posting!
DO not take him in to live with you, everyone will suffer and no one will benefit. Have him checked for a UTI asap anyway. Check his financial statements, if they have him driving around, bet he might have "lent" them money, etc.
Make a police report, suspiscious incident is what we call them here, it helps create a paper trail. Document everything.
1. People are ready for memory care when they become a danger to themselves or others. 100 degree heat for 4 hours is DANGEROUS and indicates that he doesn't have good judgement.
2. Get him off the road. He should not be driving.
3. Don't move him in with you. It will jeopardize your marriage and your job.
4. If others are taking advantage of him, this is another indication that he has bad judgement and needs to be protected.
5. If Mom can't protect him, he needs to be in memory care.
Not all memory care facilities are created equal. Some of them only want to deal with the 90-lb. little old lady who sits quietly in a wheelchair. If a facility is reluctant to take your father, it probably isn't the right place for him. They will find a way to discharge a resident that they consider to be "difficult."
My husband was very agitated, angry and combative. I was lucky to find a small group home (licensed for 10 residents) that had caregivers who each had 20-30 years of experience. It was a blessing. I used a referral placement service. She works in the Phoenix area, but maybe there is someone near you that provides a service like this one.