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This thing is not quite our thing...
lizziepooh
Posted: Friday, August 9, 2019 12:46 AM
Joined: 5/2/2019
Posts: 117


When your partner is no longer your partner and if a new promising partner arises and if this new partnership does not mean ending the old partnership...where is the harm?

Why can’t that be alright? Just wondering.,.


yogi60
Posted: Friday, August 9, 2019 8:24 AM
Joined: 2/22/2017
Posts: 78


Interesting question. I'm thrown by "where is the harm?" In my world, I have kids and grandkids that could/would be harmed. Actually, devastated if I partnered with someone else while DH is alive. However, I truly understand and live with the loneliness and stress that comes from being a caregiver. This isn't a simple question because harm could come in many ways or not at all.
Rescue mom
Posted: Friday, August 9, 2019 9:42 AM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 799


Been lots and lots of debate on this question in the few months, Some of it was brought on by man whose DW had advanced AD, so he was having a relationship with her BFF (IIRC) and all involved were OK.

I know some spouses who’ve taken a “companion” while their LO was in a facility with late-stage dementia (basically non functioning cognitively). Nobody expressed any dismay at the well spouse; all I ever heard was “good for her\him”, or positive comments, for getting out or finding some pleasure after years of caregiving. (Of course spouse with dementia was well cared for).

Who does it hurt? I’d say that depends on the people involved and the circumstances. If the PWD is cognizant enough to know what’s going on, that could be a big difference. The cases I seen, the PWD was basically “out of it.” I’m not going to judge anybody for such a relationship or companionship.mIf it was me in that bed/facility, we said early on we’d want the other to still have a life, and relationship if that was in the cards, as long as the sick one was cared for.


LicketyGlitz
Posted: Friday, August 9, 2019 1:33 PM
Joined: 2/3/2018
Posts: 402


I saw an Alzheimer's documentary a few years back, I think it was on the HBO website but can't remember. Anyway, the husband was in MC and had a girlfriend. They held hands, and ate together, and cuddled. The actual wife of the man, and his daughter had a hard time with it at first, but then came to see that if made the new couples days happier to be together. They in turn began supporting the relationship, and he would still be thrilled to see if actual wife and daughter when they came to visit.

It was one of the first docs I saw on dementia when I was trying to wrap my brain around Mom's diagnosis. I'm glad one of my early exposures to the disease was a family who had already discovered that moments of happiness can come if very unconventional packages in dementia! If it eases the horrors of the journey for any of the players involved, I don't see any harm either.


dayn2nite2
Posted: Friday, August 9, 2019 5:37 PM
Joined: 6/20/2016
Posts: 1919


The only thing that bothers me is when someone gets a “companion” they are sleeping with involved in direct care of the person they’re still married to.  There’s something diabolical about that.

You want a companion?  Go for it.  Place your spouse.  Don’t act like it’s some kind of “family” when you sleep with someone and use them to provide free care.  


Victoria2020
Posted: Friday, August 9, 2019 11:25 PM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 705


I checked the FB for "Agile Abe", the threesome isn't featured anymore. Wish them well, however they set themselves up. But not my desired way of living. We all struggle to find a way through.
lizziepooh
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 10:31 PM
Joined: 5/2/2019
Posts: 117


yogi60 wrote:
In my world, I have kids and grandkids that could/would be harmed. Actually, devastated if I partnered with someone else while DH is alive. 
This is a very good and interesting point, yogi. I never thought of that and you are right, that choice could have consequences to kids and grandkids and the value of marriage you wish to instill in them. It could be damaging. Brilliant point.

lizziepooh
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 10:34 PM
Joined: 5/2/2019
Posts: 117


Rescue mom wrote:

If the PWD is cognizant enough to know what’s going on, that could be a big difference. 

Too true, good point.
For the sake of discussion, let’s assume the PWD is not cognizant and even to the point they do not recognize their own spouse as their spouse.

lizziepooh
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 10:39 PM
Joined: 5/2/2019
Posts: 117


LicketyGlitz wrote:

Anyway, the husband was in MC and had a girlfriend. They held hands, and ate together, and cuddled. The actual wife of the man, and his daughter had a hard time with it at first, but then came to see that if made the new couples days happier to be together. They in turn began supporting the relationship, and he would still be thrilled to see if actual wife and daughter when they came to visit.

Ha! I never thought of it going the other way but I should have. Lol! Wonderful and yes, I do not see the harm either. 

lizziepooh
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 10:47 PM
Joined: 5/2/2019
Posts: 117


dayn2nite2 wrote:

You want a companion?  Go for it.  Place your spouse.  Don’t act like it’s some kind of “family” when you sleep with someone and use them to provide free care.  

Too funny. And don’t forget that you also get a housekeeper, a cook and a good lay if your lucky. Lol!
But in all serious, if the couple is fine with it and they do a good job of care taking, what is the harm if they are all in the same house?  Why would it be ok if the person was placed but not ok if the person is not placed? 

lizziepooh
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 10:50 PM
Joined: 5/2/2019
Posts: 117


Victoria2020 wrote:
I checked the FB for "Agile Abe", the threesome isn't featured anymore. Wish them well, however they set themselves up. But not my desired way of living. We all struggle to find a way through.
So I take you are against this arrangement? Are you against it even if the pwd is placed? Just trying to understand the nuance of where you may find it ok and where it is not ok? Is it always not ok? Just wondering your thought, Victoria?

lizziepooh
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 10:59 PM
Joined: 5/2/2019
Posts: 117


And this is why I should not start topics after one too many gin and tonics. Lol!

But thank you all for answering. I enjoyed pondering this topic from your replies. 

Such complicated relationships dementia brings. And this is just one of them and it is rare and hypothetical.

But so many other complicated relationships between families trying to care give, between siblings and aunts and cousins and children and in laws. And nosy neighbors and well meaning friends. Crazy. 

Name one other disease that can affect a lot of people like this one can...the only other thing I can think of is the plague.


Victoria2020
Posted: Wednesday, August 14, 2019 12:25 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 705


I thought your avatar picture looked like a drink garnish ;p
lizziepooh
Posted: Wednesday, August 14, 2019 1:18 AM
Joined: 5/2/2019
Posts: 117


Victoria2020 wrote:
I thought your avatar picture looked like a drink garnish ;p
Lol! Was told how to post a profile picture recently and realized that I did not have a picture to post so I posted a pic of my favorite new plant.
I went to my friend’s house to pot my plants for my new place and when she came across that plant she said it looks like shrek ears. Turns out the plant was called ogre ears. Lol!
Well, that was what I was trying to capture with my picture but I do not think you can see the ears. Lol!

Cindy19
Posted: Wednesday, August 14, 2019 1:38 AM
Joined: 8/12/2019
Posts: 1


 Cindy19 

Hello, I recently joined (8/12/19) kind of thinking that perhaps I wouldn’t have to start gathering info so soon on Dementia. But I’ve come to the realization that this is REAL. I am a caregiver to my husband who was diagnosed in 2017. Seems that the disease has advanced to the level that he is aggressive. I’ve had to call the cops to my home that’s how bad it’s become. I need advice/options to know what my next steps are. I am currently unemployed and looking for work but at the present time I just can’t seem to. I thought about contacting the hotline since I need so desperately to come up with a plan. Not sure what’s out there. 

Appreciate your help.
Victoria2020
Posted: Wednesday, August 14, 2019 2:12 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 705


Cindy19-I started a new thread , same Forum, for you so you'll get more eyes on your question.
GothicGremlin
Posted: Wednesday, August 14, 2019 1:35 PM
Joined: 4/7/2019
Posts: 35


I can't imagine how difficult this must be. Even if you discuss adding new people prior to a dementia diagnosis, it's hard.  My partner and I have discussed this, and we feel the same, we'd want the unaffected partner to be happy (have to look out for the affected partner!).  But speaking for myself, even knowing that, I don't know if I'd add someone, but that's just me.

It all seems fraught, but with love and care, I could imagine it working.


 
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