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Dealing with grief due to loss of parent and another with Alz.
In May 2018, my mother was diagnosed with Alz. The signs were there several years prior. She is 84. Her first appointment with the neurologist was May 2018. She has refused to go back. I have made several appointments for her, but she refuses to go and says if forced, she will go kicking and screaming. The doctor says they will not see her if she comes to their office kicking and screaming.
I feel for you. My husband and I moved my father and my mother in our home in 2012. At the time I was so naive. I truly believed I could do it all, and I was absolutely determined I would never place them anywhere. At the time we knew my mom had lost her vision, but we did not know that she had AD. My dad on the other hand had congestive heart failure, COPD, stage 4 kidney disease, had had 3 heart attacks (later that became 4), and also later broke his hip. Still I was determined. We found out my mom had AD, but still I was determined I was going to do it. My DH sacrificed a lot because he loved my parents, but also mostly because he loves me. Then in March 2018 things got so bad that I had no choice but to place them in a skilled nursing home. It absolutely broke my heart. I visited, and continue to visit every day. My dad passed this past November. My mom is in Stage 7 and has been placed on hospice.
From what I have learned, this is what I would share with you. You are not Super Woman no matter how very much you want to be. There is only so much that you can do before you sacrifice your own health, not to mention relationships with your husband and your children. Grandchildren grow up quickly. You can't get that time back. Whether you are with your mom 24/7 or not her progression is going to continue. Do not feel guilty if you have to place her. She's your mom and you love her dearly. Believe me I know. But you also have a responsibility to your husband, to your children, and to your grandchildren. You can't be all things to everyone, and giving all of yourself to your mother while sacrificing the other will NOT make your mom any better.
Everyone has to make their own choice, but knowing what I know now I would have moved my mom and dad into assisted living rather than in with my husband and I. There absolutely are no good options. If you live near your mom, maybe you can hire someone to stay with her? Just don't throw away the special things in your life when it will ultimately do no good for your mom. Just speaking from experience, and meaning this with the best of intent for you.
I am sorry for your loss and extend my condolences to you and your mother on the passing of your father.
I also did not want to place my mother, but after her dementia got to the point she no longer knew who I was- I thought it might be OK so I tried on several occasions to find ALs and NHs good enough -but I could not find any! My mother deserves the best and in my home she gets the best. She has lived with me and my husband for 14 years and we have sacrificed a lot, but I would not have it any other way. But that's me. Only you can know what is best -no-what is acceptable for you and your mother. Good luck!