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Moving(6)
Wekay
Posted: Wednesday, October 2, 2019 12:26 AM
Joined: 10/2/2019
Posts: 5


I need to move my mom to live with me for a while. She cannot live alone any longer. She does Not agree. I have approached her with telling her I'd like her to come visit me for a while and see my family. She hasn't seen them for 7 years. I HAVE to do this. Are there any suggestions how I can accomplish this? We are also going to have to move her into a memory care facility eventually. How do we accomplish that? She has no 'recollection ' of having trouble at all. Yet she's lost 15 pounds in 3 months, wears the same clothes over and over, and has been bothering other apartment dwellers 'looking' for visitors that aren't there and worrying about them leaving without telling her. Sometimes this occurs at night. She has insisted over the last 2 months that someone has been there visiting, or is there now napping on her bed.

Sp I am staying with her currently and need to transport her to my house after we attend a funeral. She remembers my request and says we'll see. I believe I have heard her pray under her breath, telling God she doesn't want to go. 


harshedbuzz
Posted: Wednesday, October 2, 2019 7:03 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 1684


Welcome to the best little club nobody wants to join. I'm glad you knocked on our door, but sorry you have a need to.

Does you mom have a diagnosis of any kind? Do you have any idea of the stage in which she is? Some of the concerns you have are typically associated with mid-stages and beyond- the re-wearing of clothing, the weight loss, the delusions. If she hasn't been diagnosed, she needs to see her PCP to start the process and rule out other conditions that are treatable that mimic dementia and refer you to a neurologist or memory center as needed. This link describes a typical progression of Alzheimer's.

https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/

Does she have the necessary legal paperwork in order to allow you to act on her behalf? If she doesn't have a POA and Healthcare directives in place, you'll want to see a certified eldercare attorney to sort that out. If she is still deemed competent and will sign willingly, great. If not, you may have to seek guardianship which is more costly and time consuming. 

No recollection of trouble is a condition known as anosogonosia which is common among those with dementia. Basically, their brain is too damaged to recognize that they are not functioning as well as they had previously. If you try to insist they bathe, they swear they did already as they have every single day of their lives for instance. 

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm

There's an oft repeated notion here that you can not reason with a person who has a broken reasoner. Dementia is more than a bad memory- it involves higher order thinking skills like abstract reasoning and executive function. Because of this, it is not possible to convince them that nobody is napping in their bed or visiting. You have to develop work arounds and stories that will enable you to sell what you need to do. These stories are sometimes refered to as therapeutic lies or fiblets

She is past the point where you can seek permission or obtain gratitude for moving her- she may or may not agree to go when you need to and she doesn't want to. It will only upset you both. 

Specific to your situation, I would find a way to pack a small bag of things she'll need at your place and hide it in the trunk when she isn't watching. Day of the funeral, I would create a reason why you can't return to her house and need to stay at your place. One friend I know, shut of the water to the sinks and toilet and announced that they had to get a plumber to fix it. Once at her house, she told mom there was a water main break and that it would be a while before they could return. Rinse and repeat. Once you have her safely at your place, you can start shopping for memory care and complete the tasks I outlined above if they've not been done already. I found my local IRL support group invaluable for finding resources like good doctors and MCFs. 

I found this short essay very useful for trying to understand this disease.

http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

Good luck to you-

HB



MN Chickadee
Posted: Wednesday, October 2, 2019 9:56 AM
Joined: 9/7/2014
Posts: 840


Her mind is compromised, and reasoning with her won't work. You'll have to just take the reigns. 

One step at a time. First get her to wherever you live, then work on finding a facility. Take care of all travel logistics without telling her. Pack for the long term when she isn't around. Then lightly remind her that your kids are really looking forward to her visit. We'll leave tomorrow. Maybe she packs a small bag, or maybe even that is too much to handle. But just keep it upbeat and allow her to believe it's temporary. We're going to have fun on this road trip! I bought a whole bunch of your favorite snacks for the car! This visit is going to be so nice, so long over due. I've got fun things planned. 

 When she frets about when she is returning just be vague or say whatever makes her least anxious about it. Therapeutic fibs can be essential in this dicey time of moving someone.  When she's at your house always asking to go home, it's always next week and then distract/redirect. It will be tough but eventually she should forget to ask about going home. 


abc123
Posted: Wednesday, October 2, 2019 11:34 AM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 525


Hi. I was thinking it might be best for your Mother if you moved her straight into a home instead of to your house with a second move to follow. You are now aware of her condition and she is probably more advanced in the dementia than you realize, which means she needs more advanced care than you could provide. Just a thought. What ever you do, I wish you the best!

PS HarshedBuzz is extremely knowledgeable on this subject and gives excellent ideas and suggestions 


Wekay
Posted: Friday, October 4, 2019 9:19 AM
Joined: 10/2/2019
Posts: 5


Thank you for responding! We have a diagnosis of dementia,  with the doctor stating she can not live alone. No specific stages mentioned,  I don't believe. My sister has the POA. She recently obtained a voluntary guardianship ship from her. Unfortunately, it is my sister's husband who unexpectedly passed away. She lives closest to my mom - 2 hours away. But she is dealing with her grief. I live 9 hours away - but I need to take over for my sister for now. My mom is on a waiting list at a facility for a place in their memory care. She's 3rd on the list. My brother loves 1,000 miles away. 

I have started telling her we are going to my home after the funeral when discussing how long we'llbe gone.  I felt the repetition would help.  She remembers my sister's husband passed away and we're going to the funeral. But perhaps that is because of the traumatic nature of the information?

All the information you shared is helpful. Thank you!!


Beachfan
Posted: Friday, October 4, 2019 10:06 AM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 337


Is the facility where you mom is on a waiting list nearest to your sister who has POA and guardianship?  If so, good for you that advance planning has been undertaken.  Meanwhile, your sister will understandably be out of commission for some time given the sudden passing of her husband.  If you can get your Mom to come to your home (using the suggestions of previous posters), maybe you could plan on keeping her there, using fiblets, until an opening occurs at the facility.  It would give your sister some time to grieve and hopefully, manage the immediate concerns a sudden death handed her.   When the dust starts to settle, you and your siblings could plan on moving her to her new "home".  

I've never needed to deal with a stubborn LO regarding moving, but at 73 (today!!!), I value my independence and can imagine my reaction to anyone "helping me for my own good."  I wish you luck and hope whatever you and your siblings decide, it all works out for the best for you and your Mom.


Beachfan
Posted: Friday, October 4, 2019 10:19 AM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 337


@harshedbuzz,

I am printing out that "short" essay (27 pages), "dementia care strategies- -Understanding the Dementia Experience"  for friends and family.  Thank you.  It is very valuable and informative.  I often think I am on top of this disease after 10 years in, but this article is a handy reference for a newcomer or someone trying to further understand how the Alz reasoning and behavior works.  Thanks again.  


Pirokp
Posted: Friday, October 4, 2019 11:58 PM
Joined: 9/15/2019
Posts: 30


Wekay - I am in the same boat as you.  I need to go home, with my Dad.  I have been living at his place for a month now and I miss my hubby and my life at home.  Home is 1,000 miles away.  My Dad freaks out in the car when I drive him 20 minutes, he yells “too fast” “slow down”, the only way to calm him is drive 20 miles under the speed limit.  He won’t fly, that is totally out of the question.  How am I going to make it 1,000 miles with him?

My Dad won’t leave his home but I have to make him.   I am at a loss how to get him to my house, or a care gone near me.  My goal is by Christmas because I want to be home with all my kids at Christmas.  

I wish they had special transport services, or a futuristic “beam him there” thing.  Thank you for posting this question!!


MinutebyMinute
Posted: Saturday, October 5, 2019 1:49 AM
Joined: 6/11/2019
Posts: 225


Crazy thought but … could you take a train?

Relaxing, might even be nostalgic for your dad. You aren't driving and hearing his constant "advice."


Wekay
Posted: Saturday, October 5, 2019 9:25 AM
Joined: 10/2/2019
Posts: 5


YYes - the facility is in the same town as my sister who has the POA and voluntary guardianship.  What you stated is our plan. Thank you so much for weighing in.
Wekay
Posted: Saturday, October 5, 2019 9:30 AM
Joined: 10/2/2019
Posts: 5


That is so difficult! I wonder if the travel by train  recommendation by minutebyminute would work.
Pirokp
Posted: Saturday, October 5, 2019 12:24 PM
Joined: 9/15/2019
Posts: 30


That’s a good idea.  Maybe I could rally my adult kids to do a train/car/hotel thing.  I go on the train they drive the car, meet us, have dinner, hotel, repeat.  
Wekay
Posted: Monday, October 7, 2019 1:11 AM
Joined: 10/2/2019
Posts: 5


Ok. Failing here. We had a full morning with lunch. When we returned she dosed in her chair. So O got my car loaded with bigger things. No discussion. We watched a movie. Then at 11:45 p.m. O mentioned we should go to bed since we had a drive tomorrow. I had to remind her who's funeral. Then she said questioningly that we wouldn't be staying with my sister. No, motel. Then I mentioned I was taking her to my house after the funeral.  It's a long trip. So we are breaking it up by stopping to see my sons, her grandsons and the great grandkids. I tried keeping it up beat. She stayed she would just stay home. I tried to be decisive saying no, this is what we're doing. More questions. Then I failed in that I tried to give her the reasons. She stayed its not true  and the doctor never told her anything.  Back and forth. Trying again to make it bbn positive. She stayed at her age it's not good for her to be away from what's familiar. It's not nice. More statements, reasons. Ended with her saying, maybe she'll die soon. 

I don't know what she'll remember tomorrow. If it will be a repeat of tonight or if she'll accept my positive spin, which I'll try to be better at. I can't create a story. I just can't. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow if she refuses to walk through the door. 

 


Victoria2020
Posted: Monday, October 7, 2019 6:16 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 924


Not failing, just getting to learn new approaches. Keep it simple. Less steps explained and less info given the better-- especially less future stuff- hard for them to process. Then they dig in because they are trying , and can't, to  handle it .

It's more like traveling with a 3 year  old- look at the pretty bird, have a cookie vs. after this we do that, get to see so and so.Their brains go TILT with too much info.

 It adds to our loneliness. Even if we just want to chat out loud to feel like we are somehow including them - we can't-- safety first, then calmness is the goal. In normal times we give reasons to people to explain planned actions. Reasons require them to understand, process - they can't ---so NO! works for them. 

You'll get through the door. Simple does it. Here and now. Good luck.


MN Chickadee
Posted: Tuesday, October 8, 2019 10:20 AM
Joined: 9/7/2014
Posts: 840


So you know a couple things to be true. One is that she is not safe and moving is not optional. Two is that she will not go willingly and cannot be reasoned with. If she has forgotten her son in law died since yesterday, she will not remember the details of the trip or why it's needed. This needs to shape your talks with her. I would stop providing so much information, it's only going to befuddle her and get her digging her heels in. Keep it simple. Trying to get her to go from her chair to your car for a road trip to your house is probably not going to work. We're getting dressed for the funeral (I assume she still knows she wouldn't want to miss it?) After the funeral you get in the car and drive. Or maybe you visit sister and leave from her house or something, but no going back to mom's house to pack or anything. Reassure her. "We're visiting the grand kids, they're excited to see you. Hey, want a cookie?" You'll have to break this up into chunks with the right therapeutic fibs for each step. It feels wrong I know. Like you're telling your parent lies. But at this point you do whatever you have to in order to get her moved, because it is best for her. It's a tough job but you'll get through it.
 
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