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Iris L.
Posted: Monday, October 28, 2019 8:34 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 16442

Please accept my condolences in the loss of your dear mother.  I just realized today that she has passed. You were a thoughtful and empathetic caregiver to your mom.  I love to look at the picture of you and your mom.  I looked forward to reading your posts and I learned a great deal from you.  You are very patient, calm and wise.  May God give you and your family peace in this difficult time.

Iris L.

Posted: Monday, October 28, 2019 10:32 PM
Joined: 5/22/2018
Posts: 359

My condolences as well, Tess.  I hope you have comfort and peace in these days. 

Take care.

Posted: Monday, October 28, 2019 11:25 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5079

Thank you Iris and susiesb. I posted the fact that mother passed away on the forum for people who have lost someone. But I would like to mention to those caregivers who may one day lose their LO, the way in which my mother left this earth. This information was something I searched for years on here, and perhaps it will be helpful to others.

Over about 3 months mother had slowly reduced her daily intake of pudding and Ensure. By the time she took her last Ensure meal-she was down to only 1 and a half Ensures a day. Her last intake was a Wednesday night and by Friday she slipped into a coma and started a type of breathing pattern that was regular, but seemed to be triggered by her diaphragm. The hospice nurse called it comatose breathing. Her mouth would not close and her arms were limp. I made sure she got timely doses of both morphine and ativan. I tilted her head to the side to allow the meds to pool up in her cheek to be absorbed. If I had done it directly on her tongue, I was afraid it would just be sucked into her lungs.

 I kept her mouth moist with lemon glycerine swabs as well as lightly covered her mouth with a mask to try and keep the moisture in. She breathed heavy for 2 days but by Monday the breathing became shallow with 5 to 7 seconds pauses. The hospice nurse came that day and said mother would just pass in her "sleep", and that is what she did. There was no agitation, she passed that Monday with me giving her a last hug. 

Just like with the disease itself, the dying process for people with Alz will be different in each case, but mother had a peaceful passing and for that I am grateful. The hospice nurse said that in her experience, many people with an Alz dx pass away like this-in a coma.

I took care of mother for a long time, but I always knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel for both her and for me. I followed my mother's wishes that she be taken care of by her kids at the end of her life, and I know her wishes now would be for me to be happy and enjoy my life-so I will keep following her wishes and try to have the best life I can.

I've been looking at pictures of her and she looks so happy-always smiling-always doing something. Whenever I get sad or begin to cry-I can feel her trying to cheer me up and I can't be sad for long. I want to wipe the bad years out of my mind and in time I will because mother had a wonderful life and that's something to remember.

Wow, sorry, this has become a confessional! All you caregivers, it will end, but until then, enjoy every hug, kiss, conversation, scrap of good times, even the bad times- because when the end comes, there is no going back.

Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 2:01 AM
Joined: 12/17/2018
Posts: 287

Tess, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother! 

And I'm sorry many of us didn't know about it.  I just read your post on the other forum and I'm so glad to hear that is was a good passing - that's all we can hope for.  

I find you're amazing.  Your kindness and patience comes through so clearly in your posts.  I have no doubt that your mother was blessed by you and I have no doubt that you have felt blessed to care for her.  

I pray that God fills those empty voids as you heal from the loss of dear mother.  

Sending you hugs...


Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 5:46 AM
Joined: 9/5/2017
Posts: 579

I'm sorry for your loss.
Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 6:26 AM
Joined: 4/3/2019
Posts: 257

Tess- Sending my condolences to you as well!
Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 7:11 AM
Joined: 8/12/2017
Posts: 244

Holding you gently in my thoughts, Tess
Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 8:36 AM
Joined: 2/1/2018
Posts: 483


I am sorry to learn of your mom’s passing.  I was always impressed with your posts- - non-judgemental, kind, informative, and in each one your love for your mom was evident.  I hope you can rest now, take some time for yourself and find peace and comfort in spite of your loss.  Thoughts and prayers, Lynn

MN Chickadee
Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 8:56 AM
Joined: 9/7/2014
Posts: 1031

Your comments brought tears to me eyes Tess. You and your mother seem just lovely and I've long admired your take on dementia, the care and tenderness you have given her, and your advice to others here. I hope you stick around the message boards if you find yourself able. Take care.
Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 11:07 AM
Joined: 6/12/2016
Posts: 1037

Dear Tess, I am sorry about your Mom passing but I’m glad her passing was peaceful and you were with her. I know you will miss her dearly. I thank you from my heart for sharing the journey with us. You were a blessing to her and us. I hope you will stay and let us know how you are doing. 

Sending you peace & love. 

D in law
Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 2:36 PM
Joined: 4/24/2017
Posts: 589

Tess I am so sorry to hear of your dear mother's passing.  Please take care of yourself.

I have never seen a post from Tess complaining.  You are an exceptional loving daughter.

Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 7:06 PM
Joined: 12/11/2018
Posts: 181

Dear Tess - 

Sending you light and love, and much admiration for your caregiving years and spirit. May your dear mother rest in peace and may her daughter also enjoy a peaceful transition to the next phase of your post-caregiving life. You deserve so much rest, peace, and joy after giving her the loving care you both were blessed to share.  

Posted: Tuesday, October 29, 2019 11:09 PM
Joined: 9/8/2017
Posts: 2268

Thank you Tess for sharing your mother's passing.  I've been wondering more lately what I should expect.  

I hope you will enjoy your life as your mom would wish for you, and I'm so happy that now you can rest for goodness sakes!  

You seemed to always have such good spirits and patience.  That is hard to have.

Please take care and JOB WELL DONE.

Posted: Wednesday, October 30, 2019 8:47 AM
Joined: 5/29/2015
Posts: 44


I am sorry for the loss of your Mother and thank you for informing us on what we might expect. It sounds like you were there for her every step of the way. I hope your happy, sweet memories give you solace as you grieve. God bless you.

King Boo
Posted: Wednesday, October 30, 2019 9:59 AM
Joined: 1/9/2012
Posts: 3250

Dear Tess,

With sincere sorrow for your pain, with joy that you were able to be with her in her final days.  As difficult as they are, it is a soothing balm to our sorrow in the coming days, the knowledge that we saw them out.  You did well. 

Posted: Wednesday, October 30, 2019 10:37 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5079

Thank you all who have written to me in support and kindness. Your messages mean a lot to me, because no matter how much you think you may have done the right things for a loved one, there are always lots of regrets and feelings I didn't do enough. I appreciate your messages of comfort and support!

I am not depressed, but I think I am focusing too much on my mother. Hardly a few minutes go by without me thinking about her in some manner or other. I think I need a change of scenery, or a vacation, but there are too many leaves to rake up to leave now, lol! Maybe in a few weeks. Till then I'll keep plugging away at sorting out my memories and mother's things.

Thanks again!

Posted: Thursday, October 31, 2019 12:27 PM
Joined: 4/5/2013
Posts: 863


Sending you heartfelt condolences in the loss of your dear mother.  She could not have asked for a more loving and devoted daughter than you.  You have been a steady source of inspiration and encouragement on these boards.  Like your mother, we are so lucky to have you.  



Posted: Thursday, October 31, 2019 7:01 PM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 1067

Tess, I too am late finding out. I am so sorry for your loss!
Posted: Saturday, November 2, 2019 8:30 PM
Joined: 5/3/2013
Posts: 412


My deepest sympathies on the loss of your mother.  You have taught so much by how you care for her and how you encourage the rest of us.  May you be comforted in this season of your life, as you have so often comforted others. 


Posted: Saturday, November 2, 2019 9:13 PM
Joined: 4/7/2019
Posts: 115

Tess, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. 

You are one of the people here who I am in awe of - everything you did for your mother, everything you thought to do for your mother.  You were so wonderful to her.  Please take care of yourself during this time.

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