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Guilt and advice needed
twills83
Posted: Sunday, November 3, 2019 3:45 AM
Joined: 10/9/2019
Posts: 41


I am really not sure what to do with my dad.  He is in Thailand in a care facility that while not extremely luxurious seems to have very good care and at very reasonable prices.  Furthermore, as the care levels required go up, it will still be affordable.  Before he went completely off the rails he choose Thailand and told everyone he wanted to stay there for the rest of his life.  He got himself tied up with a local woman half his age who is nothing more than a parasite and needless to say she routinely shows up, aggravates the situation and looks for a handout.  She's robbed him blind.  There is no way he can be trusted with a single penny.

Lately though he keeps agitating to either move back to the US or to take a trip there of unspecified duration.  Although I could probably find him a better place in terms of amenities, I don't think I could find him better care or a better staff to resident ratio. 

He has also had a stroke and doesn't move well.  He cannot travel without a nurse.  Even if I could take time off to travel with him (which I can't) I don't think I could manage without a nurse.  He is very immobile.  He has to be lifted and helped.

I see the advice here is "just lie to him" but I can't do it.  So I started using the strategy of giving him tasks to do to find out things for me in order to plan the trip but he obviously can't manage that and just gets frustrated. At some point I feel like I am asking a small child to just lift 200 kilograms and then I will give him what he wants so this feels like psychological torture, but so does lying to him. 

What should I do and what can I do?  I have no idea what he is going to do, where he is going to stay or how it can be managed to send him on a trip to the US.  In theory I could afford it but I don't know how to handle the logistics.  His "wife" is a parasite who will try to get her hands on anything she can. While perhaps I could hire a professional to travel with him, I am not sure how to find or vet this person and I certainly wouldn't trust them with a pile of money to pay for the trip, especially knowing what I know about Thailand. Dad cannot manage money.

On one hand I feel like he's already setup as best as I can reasonable do, but on the other hand I feel like I might regret for the rest of my life not telling work to **** off and taking him on a trip somewhere and throw caution and money into the wind. I don't actually know if he will even appreciate or enjoy a trip or realize where he is.  He might or might not.  I took him to Europe last summer and honestly it seemed like for the most part I could have just taken him to a fancy hotel 1 hour drive from where he lives now and it would have been the same difference without the logistical hassles. 

What do I do!?


terei
Posted: Sunday, November 3, 2019 7:05 AM
Joined: 5/16/2017
Posts: 466


I think you have asked similar questions in the past. 

Is your father safe? It sounds like ‘yes’.   The truth is, he is probably not going to be ‘satisfied’ no matter where he is.

I can only tell you how I would handle this + that is that I would tell him if he comes back to the states, you will be happy to help find him a facility.  Clearly, he does not have the cognition or the mobility to do this, so he is where he is.

I would no longer discuss the subject with him, but continue to maintain close contact with his caregivers + protect his assets.


twills83
Posted: Sunday, November 3, 2019 7:20 AM
Joined: 10/9/2019
Posts: 41


Yes I think he's safe. Yes I have asked similar in the past but now the problem is more specifically defined and he keeps bringing it up every day.  It's all he talks about.  He keeps going on and on about it all day every day.

What do I do to "not discuss it"? He keeps calling me multiple times per day and demanding to talk about it.

The owner of the facility says it's not a good idea for him to travel, but I guess it's easy for anyone to say.  What about his last wishes for his life?

Thanks for your help and advice.


zauberflote
Posted: Sunday, November 3, 2019 7:55 AM
Joined: 10/24/2018
Posts: 499


Twills, I wish I'd read this before I posted on your "diversions" thread, I'm sorry!


tobi2
Posted: Sunday, November 3, 2019 8:04 AM
Joined: 11/3/2019
Posts: 2


Sounds like you need to get a few things clear before you can make any decisions.

1.  Why does the facility say he shouldn't travel, and do you agree with their assessment?

2.  What does your father say he wants to see or do in the U.S.?

3.  Do you really think he could do, or be cognizant of doing, the things he says he wants to?

4.  Do you think he really wants to do what he says, or does he, maybe, just want out of the current situation, and can't express it clearly?

If you can get better answers to these questions, I think you would be better able to figure out what's the best thing to do.  No matter what the facility's opinion, at some point you have to weigh that against what your father really wants & needs, as best you can understand his wishes. 

 


twills83
Posted: Sunday, November 3, 2019 9:13 AM
Joined: 10/9/2019
Posts: 41


1.  Why does the facility say he shouldn't travel, and do you agree with their assessment?

Well for one thing he doesn't move around well.  For another he [the facility owner] says people with alzheimers / dementia do not tolerate time changes, travel and changes in environment well. Its hard for me to judge since I'm not an expert and I have no experience.

 

2.  What does your father say he wants to see or do in the U.S.?

Sometimes he has ideas like "see a show in New York City" or visit some friend or another but sometimes he can't explain. The thing is he's not in close contact with very many people.  There is a limited list of people that may have lunch with him or something but I don't think anyone is going to spend a lot of time with him. He is only in close contact with one friend that i know of who has his own problems due to a stroke.

3.  Do you really think he could do, or be cognizant of doing, the things he says he wants to?

I guess that I think he can in the moment, if that makes any sense.

4.  Do you think he really wants to do what he says, or does he, maybe, just want out of the current situation, and can't express it clearly?

I think both. I do think he will not be happier if eventually settled in a facility in the US and I think it may be worse but there is no way I can really know for sure.

The problem besides the above is I don't know how to organize it logistically, the expense could be very high. Regardless of expense, I am not sure how to do it if I don't go with him and I can't really go. He is not capable of managing money or paying for things. Also what happens if he has some kind of meltdown on the way there or back?  What if he ends up committed somewhere in the US that's vastly inferior to where he is now?

It's so difficult...


twills83
Posted: Sunday, November 3, 2019 9:14 AM
Joined: 10/9/2019
Posts: 41


zauberflote wrote:

Twills, I wish I'd read this before I posted on your "diversions" thread, I'm sorry!

 


No worries.


 
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