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Why Does My Dad Always Think I Yell at Him?
Posted: Saturday, November 16, 2019 11:54 AM
Joined: 9/15/2019
Posts: 96

Good Morning,

I have a stupid question.  My Dad tells everyone I yell at him all the time and tells him what to do.  I have never yelled at him.  At times I have spoken more firm to him, like when he is doing something that he shouldn’t or could hurt himself.  Last night we had another episode that left me in tears.  My Dad was telling me to stop yelling at him and I wasn’t yelling.  All I was doing was talking to him, trying to communicate.  Of course I broke down crying and said “I miss my Dad”.  He said he missed his daughter and she better shape up.  He said Good night and called me by my sister’s name.  Of course that brought on all the tears.  

Why does he think I always yell at him?  He tells everyone he can’t stand me and I yell at him. He even told his Dr?   I have been living with him now for almost 3 months.  He treats me way worse then anyone else.  Why?? 

Rescue mom
Posted: Saturday, November 16, 2019 12:39 PM
Joined: 10/12/2018
Posts: 1500

I am so sorry. I know this doesn’t help much, but I think it falls in the category of all sorts of other things they “make up,” Misremember, and “confabulate,” whichever word you prefer. You are there all the time,  so you catch it.

Their brain no longer works right. What they say often has little to do with reality, especially as the disease progresses. It just makes it so much harder when they attack you and your efforts to help. I miss my DH, too...but now I have to keep this being that’s here safe, protected, and as close to happy as possible. But sometimes safe and protected has to pretty much serve.

You are the one who’s there, so you will be the target. It would undoubtedly be the same for whoever was there all the time. He is losing cognition; rational action is no longer automatically expected. His doctor surely knows that. 

Hopefully he will soon forget his upset, and you will develop thick skin or some way of coping with that. I do believe they are no longer the person they were. But they can’t help it, and there’s something still here. We still need to help them. It’s so hard for caregivers to deal with this.

Posted: Saturday, November 16, 2019 12:52 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 18542

Interesting....he hears the message as yelling. It has nothing to do with volume. You may be at the point where a workaround is more successful than a straightforward communication but you can learn to do that. The trick is finding what approach your father will accept. One key to this is to let him think he is in control.
Posted: Saturday, November 16, 2019 9:42 PM
Joined: 10/21/2019
Posts: 5

yes!! letting them think they are in control is key. It has helped me so much with my dad. It is tough when they feel they have lost all control in their lives and that they are useless.
Posted: Saturday, November 16, 2019 9:50 PM
Joined: 10/21/2019
Posts: 5

Your question is not stupid. My dad thinks I boss him around all the time and sometimes he says he is going to tell everybody that I hit him and push him around. It is hard to see him angry like this cuz he has always been happy go lucky. He will ask himself what and why these things are happening. Some days he does not know my name, but he knows I am his daughter and then there are days he has no idea who I am. It is so sad. Their brain is slowly dying and I remind myself that everyday.
Posted: Saturday, November 16, 2019 11:10 PM
Joined: 11/14/2019
Posts: 1

Wow, I just read how your Dad always thinks you’re yelling at him, I’m dealing with the same thing with my Mom. It makes me so sad that I have left her house crying. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one. I thought I was going crazy, questioning myself all these times.
Posted: Sunday, November 17, 2019 6:37 AM
Joined: 4/3/2019
Posts: 257

This is absolutely not a stupid question.  My mother is convinvced that everyone, especially me, yells at her. 

She rambles nonstop, makes endless demands and it's not at all logical, so when I'm around her I end up repeating myself so many times, eventually I get annoyed so there may be a tiny volume increase (but I wouldn't actually dare yell at her).  

One time she propped the front door wide open, after several polite requests to please not do so, because I didn't want my dog to run out into the street.  I was annoyed, and concerned about my dog's safety and she turned it into being about how I yell ALL THE TIME.  My father is also losing his hearing so I do need to speak a bit loudly, and then she accusses me of yelling.  Anything to put me down, I guess. 

It's really frustrating. Honestly, when I'm around them I just have to take a deep breath, walk away, text a friend and remind myself no one else thinks I suck.  And remind myself it's about her own confusion, frustration, etc. 

And it's common theme here, the caregivers who do the most get the most sh** from their loved ones. Sorry you are going through this. 

Posted: Sunday, November 17, 2019 3:38 PM
Joined: 9/15/2019
Posts: 96

Thank you everyone.  I feel so much better knowing others are going through this too.  I am going to try to keep it in prospective but it is so hard.  We had family visit this weekend which was wonderful for me. When they left my father said “thank you for not yelling at me”.  I just said “sure”.  So he must clearly think I yell all the time, it is sad to know he thinks that.  Thank you all for helping me, I am glad to know I am not alone.
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