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To move or not to move...
Crissy PIke
Posted: Sunday, November 17, 2019 4:51 PM
Joined: 9/4/2019
Posts: 2


Thanks to everyone who has contributed to these boards. It's the most helpful and meaningful I've ever seen.    

Seeking advice for my 75 yo Mom with EOAD (hope I'm getting the abbrev. correct.) She lives alone, 1 hour away. The only time she gets out, is if her sister takes her, which is once a week at best. I've been trying to get her to move down by me (my brother and adult kids are also here), and she's finally agreed. 

I've sprung into action. I'm selling her house and looking for a rental one mile from me. I imagine seeing my mom at least 3 times a week, taking her to church, shopping, etc. I have to believe that more activity and being around grandkids is better for her than being home all day watching TV. 

My mom is in excellent health, very fit, but, as we know, it's the mind. She takes care of herself, showers, even cooks, and is quite resourceful to get through.  My concern is how the move will affect her. I know that people with AD aren't supposed to relocate, and I don't believe she is in a place for AL. I would like to keep her out of a facility as long as possible. I love my mom and would do anything for her. If she lives close by, I can see her more often, spend time with her, watch her and take care of whatever she needs. She doesn't want to move in with me, and I'm not sure my marriage could withstand it if she did. She also would not want someone in the house, and again, I don't think she's there yet. If and when that is, I would be able to address quickly bc i would be there.

I don't want to do more harm then good. Am I unknowingly adopting a Pollyanna view? Appreciate your thoughts.


gubblebumm
Posted: Sunday, November 17, 2019 4:59 PM
Joined: 7/12/2017
Posts: 1333


She will survive the move, it will be hard, all her stuff, etc, but she will survive and it will be good for her.
TessC
Posted: Sunday, November 17, 2019 11:28 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 4971


I moved my mother early in her illness and it worked out  OK considering even the most healthiest of people don't like change or moves.  Just be sure she is happy with the new place, happy with what she can bring and feels a part of your family life.

 I enrolled my mother in the Y, and an art class so she would have things to look forward to each week. And I hired a companion carer for her very early in her disease as well. This person didn't provide caregiving, but provided friendship. They went shopping together, ate out, took walks, etc. By doing this early in mother's decline, she got used to having someone around. She didn't balk at it because this person was a "friend" and a lot of fun to be with. When mother actually needed care-it was an easier transition. Good luck.


harshedbuzz
Posted: Monday, November 18, 2019 5:12 AM
Joined: 3/6/2017
Posts: 1831


Crissy PIke wrote:

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to these boards. It's the most helpful and meaningful I've ever seen.    

Seeking advice for my 75 yo Mom with EOAD (hope I'm getting the abbrev. correct.) She lives alone, 1 hour away. The only time she gets out, is if her sister takes her, which is once a week at best. I've been trying to get her to move down by me (my brother and adult kids are also here), and she's finally agreed. 

I'm confused. Does she have Early Onset (Alzheimer's diagnosed in a person under 65) meaning she's 10+ years into the disease process or does she have Early Stage Alzheimer's? I always have to think through the terminology. 

Moving her nearer to you and your brother is a great idea. The sooner, the better. Do you and/or brother have the necessary paperwork to act on her behalf. Historically, if she agrees to something, does she still remember and follow through. I went through a phase where dad vaguely referred to moving near me on occasion but would forget when it was brought up again and get angry. 

I've sprung into action. I'm selling her house and looking for a rental one mile from me. I imagine seeing my mom at least 3 times a week, taking her to church, shopping, etc. I have to believe that more activity and being around grandkids is better for her than being home all day watching TV. 

In you shoes, I would consider a continuing care community. If she is truly able to function in an independent living section, she could start there and move to greater levels of care as needed. Such places tend to include more activities, some housekeeping and home maintenance, transportation and even optional meals. 

My mom is in excellent health, very fit, but, as we know, it's the mind. She takes care of herself, showers, even cooks, and is quite resourceful to get through.  My concern is how the move will affect her. I know that people with AD aren't supposed to relocate, and I don't believe she is in a place for AL.

It's hard to say. I moved my parents when dad's docs said he was still ES; I suspected he was further along and his passing less than 3 years later suggest he was. Because mom was his caregiver, we moved both from their places at the beach and FL. Dad wasn't happy, but I think his cognition improved with a better medical team in place and with my mom better supported. 

I would ask if you have ever spent a couple of 24/7 periods with your mom in her home. My mom covered for dad for years and I only made quick visits until mom was hospitalized for a week just before dad was diagnosed. A week staying with dad- watching him cook, driving with him, watching him laze about, listen to him talking smack, and host neighborhood happy hour wearing just a bath towel were illuminating. 

There's a truism on these boards that by the time a family is willing to consider their LO ready for AL, the PWD is already a poor fit for AL and needs a MCF. Plenty of people here will admit to a placement gone badly because they didn't elect the proper level of care. 


I would like to keep her out of a facility as long as possible. 

I would encourage you to tour a few nice CCRC in your area. They're more like adult living campuses with lots to do and more care available as needed. Unfortunately, these are often quite expensive, so that might not be an option. 


I love my mom and would do anything for her. If she lives close by, I can see her more often, spend time with her, watch her and take care of whatever she needs. She doesn't want to move in with me, and I'm not sure my marriage could withstand it if she did. She also would not want someone in the house, and again, I don't think she's there yet. If and when that is, I would be able to address quickly bc i would be there.

My dad has since passed, so I just have my 81 year old mother living in her own house in a regular 55+ community. I adore her, but having her in a house (she fought me on the CCRC, which she now regrets having met some folks from her support group who live there) is like doubling my workload. Her exterior maintenance is covered, but I oversee everything else associated with homeownership- insurance, taxes, plumbing, HVAC, landscaping, her car, and medical appointments. Being 100% responsible for her emotional well-being is a tremendous responsibility. She hasn't made any new friends in the 3 years she's lived there and only rarely sees the her old friends, so it's basically me. I have an adult son and adult niece and they were/are a lot of help with specific chores, but they don't have the free time to provide real companionship without me guilting them into it. When dad was still alive, he didn't really engage with them when they would visit. I think he kind of time traveled and thought of the "kids" as being elementary school age rather than adults in their 20s and 30s. YMMV. 

I don't want to do more harm then good. Am I unknowingly adopting a Pollyanna view? 

Maybe a little bit, but it comes from a place of love and you'll find a way to make this work. 



anxietygirl
Posted: Saturday, November 23, 2019 2:30 PM
Joined: 3/26/2019
Posts: 15


I appreciated your question as I have a similar issue. Although I live close to my parents, I struggle with whether or not to move them to my husband and my property. My dad is the one with dementia. I worry about the effect it would have on him, but on the other hand, I worry about my mom if they don't move. The house is constantly needing something and it's a lot for her to deal with. We try to help but it's still mentally draining for her. Also, if they were beside me, I could do the cooking and cleaning more than I do now. It's so hard to know what to do.
jfkoc
Posted: Saturday, November 23, 2019 3:48 PM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 17531


independent living or CCRC will also give her the opportunity to find activities on her own and more opportunity to meet friends.
I think i would stay clear of an actual house with yard care etc.

peppermintloz
Posted: Saturday, November 23, 2019 4:21 PM
Joined: 10/30/2019
Posts: 10


I moved my parents out of their home a week ago.

 

My Dad hasn’t been diagnosed yet but I am positive that he is suffering from dementia.  He repeats himself constantly, his short term memory is beyond terrible and he has now starting smacking his lips ALOT– especially when he’s agitated or nervous.  

My mom struggles with some mental health issues of her own. 

I had to move them because of money issues - his company folded earlier this year and he has been unable to work so he and my Mom are now living on social security only.  I moved them into a 2 BR apartment with a 6 month lease, until I can find them a much smaller home (hopefully).  They are having difficulty getting used to being so close to one another.

Moving them from the house they loved broke my heart.  I’m still not 100% sure that I did the right thing by moving them out rather than moving myself in with them.  They hate the apartment – especially my Mom.  And she blames me for everything.  She is currently not speaking to me.  My Dad has adjusted mostly, but he has tried to go back to the house a couple of times, thinking that he still lives there. 

This experience has been terrible.  I cry a lot. 

It’s hard to know what the right time for anything is when facing the deteriorating health of someone you love so much.  I want to give them everything and I want to make all the right decisions. But I’m having to learn as I go.  I have no siblings to help me. 

Now I am focusing on finding them a small home where they can enjoy some peace and quiet for a while.  I can only hope that the next move is a step in the right direction.

I wish you much luck in making your decision.


anxietygirl
Posted: Monday, November 25, 2019 8:39 AM
Joined: 3/26/2019
Posts: 15


peppermintloz: if you read this, I can empathize with you so much. I, too, am the only sibling dealing with my parents. Although I am not an only sibling.  It is so very hard to know what the right thing to do is. The only thing we can do is to do what we feel is right at the time. We all make mistakes every day. We can't go back and second guess ourselves. We do what we feel we have to for our loved ones because we want the best for them. They may not like it but sometimes we have to do the unpopular thing. You will find your way, as will I. Keep leaning on people like those in these groups for support. As a fellow caregiver who has no one else to lean on, I can say this group has been a life saver. 

I wish you the very best and please share as you find little gems of wisdom.   


peppermintloz
Posted: Tuesday, November 26, 2019 1:59 PM
Joined: 10/30/2019
Posts: 10


anxietygirl:  Thank you so much for the reassurance.  It's greatly appreciated.  And I will continue to share as I go.

I read your previous post about taking the car keys away and I fear that I am very close to that as well.  But I'm not going to think about that now.  One day at a time....

I am fortunate to have stumbled onto this site.  I don't know how I did - I was just doing multiple searches on the internet for looking answers and got lucky.

Best to you as well.  I'm sure we'll speak again.

I hope you and everyone else on this feed is able to get some enjoyment from the coming holiday.


 
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