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Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 8:40 AM
Joined: 6/19/2021
Posts: 1

II have DH w diagnosis of Alzheimers. 6 years later I decided I could not continue trying to keep up with home maintenance and we sold and moved to independent living apartment. Soon after I became extremely depressed. I am on prozak, seeing a counselor and trying to do the things, like walking, to help with depression. I am so discouraged. I feel I dont belong here and cant even shower without him leaving the apartment. I have some help from a private care and day care but I feel as if I need to get out from this environment. Is it the depression or being in a group type home with handicapped residenf that is causing the depression. ? All I know is I am miserable, And the quilt I feel that possibly placing him in memory care makes me feel horrible. A day at a time I try to make it through.
Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 9:04 AM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 4515

Mimigo, welcome to the forum. A lot of good people here to help.

I'm sorry it is so hard. But you need to throw the guilt in the trash. No room for it here, especially if you've been on this road for a while, and you're reaching the end of what you can reasonably do. Your health needs to be your first concern.

Please stick with a good therapist. If the first one doesn't work out, find another. They are not all the same, but therapy should be good for you. You are human, and have limits.

Please keep posting, as you will get a lot of help here from people who understand.

Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 9:25 AM
Joined: 12/21/2018
Posts: 1167

Welcome Mimigo.

This forum has been a life saver for me. I am so glad you found it and reached out. I am sorry things are so hard for you now.

Alzheimer's is so hard. Life changes are hard. Moving to a new environment is a super stressor. You are taking action to combat the depression by exercising, taking meds and engaging with a counselor. That is great! I was diagnosed with chronic depression in my 30s (I am now 56). I know it can be debilitating.

I agree completely with Ed. Throw the guilt in the trash. Depression is an energy sucker. Don't waste your energy on guilt. There is no return on investment by feeling guilty.

I am sending you cyberhugs. My wish for you is a better day today.

Again, welcome. You are not alone on this long and difficult journey. You have friends here.

-Lady Texan

Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 10:50 AM
Joined: 8/22/2020
Posts: 1496

Ditto from me Mimigo.  Don't let this disease take you down, too.  Placement is NOT the end of the world, it's recruiting a different kind of help.  They have entire staffs to do what you're trying to do by yourself.  If you are relieved of some of the hands-on burdens and can be restored mentally and physically, you will help him more by being able to be yourself, visit freuqently, etc.  Everyone's situation is different, and there is just no need to feel guilty.
Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 4:40 PM
Joined: 3/25/2021
Posts: 95

Hi Mimigo,

I understand depression, dealing with a loved one who has Alzheimer’s is really rough.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things to combat the depression.

I have been on an antidepressant for many years, finally cried uncle after dealing with some awful episodes in my thirties.

Today one of my neighbours spoke to me offering his help. He is very good with my husband. While it was great having my husband’s condition acknowledged, it was also sad because there is no going back. Sometimes I feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. Other times, flat out despair. It is a rough ride. 

Luckily this forum is here, it has become my go to when I feel overwhelmed.

Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 5:04 PM
Joined: 1/15/2021
Posts: 1

This forum seems like a start for me, my DW was diagnosed 2 yrs ago at 63, and I soon found all we built together emotionally kinda went out the window and she has moved into a non-emotional stage and directs her frustration and anger at me and is pretty much always negative towards me, very hard to handle.

Her Dad went through this at age 62 and survived only 2 years, but the path seems very much the same, sadly.

I do not know where to turn or really have anyone to talk with, so I am totally frustrated. I feel so guilty knowing what is to come and selfishly feeling that I worked my whole life so we would have a comfortable retirement together, not to lose it all on the costs, both in money but emotional loss to this crappy disease.

Any inspiration is certainly welcome.

Posted: Thursday, July 22, 2021 6:34 PM
Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 6691

builder and Mimigo WE ARE HERE FOR YOU

As others were here for us in past years

Fill in your profile Tell us as much as you can.  We have all been through the mill

I cared for my loving wife at home for 7 years until the stress came close to killing me

I placed her 3 years and 7 months ago.  She has no idea who I am

But I brought her blueberries and brownies today

She is safe and well



Posted: Sunday, August 1, 2021 11:57 AM
Joined: 7/7/2013
Posts: 453

Dear Mingo --

You've made many important life choices on behalf of your DH.  Now, it is time for you to put yourself at the head of the list and figure out how to build a life that supports you and YOUR wellbeing. 

His needs are for safety and sustenance, companionship and supervision -- that can be found in many kinds of facilities and group home arrangements (depending on what's available in your part of the world).  Get some assistance to figure out how to get his needs met!

Your needs are much greater -- you need to live and plan and thrive.  You many need some help finding your way as well.  It's easy to get "lost" in our caregiving role and that is not a healthy state for us.

Find someone to help you with this journey -- a therapist, social worker, counselor or coach. Few of us get through this all alone.  

Separate your needs from your husband's and make a plan that addresses them as separate issues with (likely) different solutions.

Wishing you all the best!

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