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Thank you Ed for always caring about all of us here. My mother’s funeral was Wednesday morning. It was a beautiful service. My dad didn’t do very well.
My mother was 81 years old. She always put her husband and 3 children first. As the grandchildren came along, she put them before her too. Her reward was 12 years of Alzheimer’s disease. I have not cried yet. I’m still very angry and disappointed with my siblings and dad. He left yesterday morning for a vacation. I’m taking care of his dogs.
I’ve been in bed since I got home from the funeral Wednesday afternoon. Im so tired and feel like I have the flu.
I have a life insurance policy to cover my funeral expenses and I’ll be cremated and put in the vault with my husband. After what my mother went through and seeing how my family behaved, I have made a decision. If I get diagnosed with any type of dementia I will put a bullet in my head. I’ve had a good life and have been blessed with true friends and plenty of happy times! A life well lived.
Abc I hope you get some time to rest and recover and live for yourself. I hope there is a way you can set boundaries with your dad so you don't end up having to be sole caregiver for him, too.
Families are just difficult sometimes. If not all the time.
I know what you mean about the dementia diagnosis but I hope that remains just a dark fantasy. I am longing to downsize and control my own destiny, too.
Abc -I’m so sorry that your family has added to your grief, stress and exhaustion. Your immune system may very well be compromised due to everything that has happened. Stay in bed as long as you need to. Tea, ( alcohol if you imbibe), chocolate, novels, binge worthy TV, silence the phone. Maybe add a multi-vitamin and a B-complex vitamin. When you are ready, venture out with friends - or make new ones if the old ones have disappeared.
Make this next 12 months about you and what you want to do. Your dad will eventually need you to step up, but for now, deflect onto your siblings as often as possible. I am sad to have to add that ‘ eventually step up’ - but past experience is the best indicator of future experience, and you’ve seen what your siblings are.
I hope you take this next comment the way I intend it - as an acknowledgement of all you’ve given up so far and the fact that you’ve already taken care of both your spouse and your Mom. Your dad is now the sole recipient of all that art work, etc that you helped move. There is no law that says you have to do all the caregiving yourself in your home when the need arises for him. You’ve got him in your local area, start making plans for home caregivers, assisted living, etc.
81-12=69. Your mom was so young to have those ‘golden’ years stolen from her. Do not wait any longer to enjoy your own life while you can.
I'm so sorry to hear the way things turned out for you. I hope you can get some needed rest, and try to let go of the bad things. Try looking forward to something you might enjoy in the coming days.
You need to have some time for grieving, so don't let others take that away from you. You are in a bad period of time now, and I hope you will have brighter days coming soon.
Im glad to hear the service for your mom was beautiful. I hope you can sit back now and take care of yourself. Focus on YOU! You could benefit from some loving hands surrounding you now. You’re doing your dad a favor, letting him get away. When he gets back, that’s it for a while. Time to do you. Please take any and all rest you need, find yourself again. If you can go away, maybe it’s time for that. Let your mind and body rest rest and then more rest.
The grieving and depression are real, of course you know that. I also try to figure out what I’m gonna do with my life if I’m diagnosed.
My deep thoughts are with you.
Hello Friends! As Lickety would say, “Let’s punch dementia in the face”!!!!
M1, you are so right about me setting boundaries with my dad. If I don’t, it won’t turn out well for me. How are you? How’s things on the farm? I still think of you each day. How is your beautiful partner doing? I certainly hope she can find some type of joy in her heart. You too!
Pat, no Covid! I’m thankful for that! M&M, QBC, Ed, I hope you all have at least a moment of peace today. Now I’m going to whine and vent. I’m too weak to rant. Ha! My house is truly disgusting except for momma’s room. It’s spotless. Yesterday I got out of bed and bathed for the first time since the funeral. Grief sure is a lot of fun ain’t it! Anyway, I got up, bathed, fixed my hair, put on makeup and jewelry, my favorite jeans and boots. I was the best looking skeleton in town. I drove to the little town where momma is buried. Her grave looked like a dump and that pissed me off. The cemetery attendant gets an F from me. All the floral arrangements and sprays were still there, dead and dried up. I cleaned that all up, cleaned off her grave with a towel I happened to have in the jeep. I put fresh flowers and a note to momma. Writing the note made me feel better.
Sunday I called my sister because it was the right thing to do. She informed me of the wonderful weekend they were having. BlahBlahBlah.
Today I decided I should clean the kitchen. Seeing the little jars and pouches of baby food on the counter was a kick in the gut. It was the first time I noticed them since she died. Not good. Every day I am reminded of another loss she suffered and it makes me furious and sad. The contents of her dresser are pitiful. Diapers, wipes, chucks, night gowns. Those things do NOT define the woman who gave birth to me. There were brief moments of time when she would look at me and I knew in my gut that she was embarrassed and humiliated that someone had to clean her backside.
The BS I went through hiring caregivers was ridiculous and outrageous. I was shocked at how many people call themselves caregivers or sitters and in reality they know NOTHING about dementia and what it does to OUR LOVED ONES. Young women would show up at my door wearing scrubs, long fake nails and fake eyelashes that looked like large fuzzy spiders glued to their eyelids. One of them was so outrageous I closed the door on her. I said thank you for coming but you won’t do. The real doozy was the one who wouldn’t give my mother the pain meds. She didn’t want to kill my mother. It’s a miracle I didn’t choke her. But God truly blessed us with Miss Leona in Texas and Miss Olinda in Louisiana. Worth their weight in gold. Olinda was with me and Momma when she died. I called dad first then I called Miss Leona in Texas. No one knows I called Miss Leona second. It was more important for me to hear her voice than that of my siblings. They were true professional caregivers, loving and compassionate to my mother. I will never forget them.