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Posted: Saturday, January 21, 2023 11:17 AM
Joined: 1/21/2023
Posts: 2

I feel alone in this battle and yet I know I'm not but the fact that she is not with me every day is consuming me with guilt. I have a child at home, she was diagnosed with a medical condition that did not allow me to keep her at home because I could not be there 24/7. She is in a memory care facility which is wonderful but I know she is scared because I'm no longer with her each day and she now lives with strangers. How does one process this and move forward without feeling that you have totally let them down? I struggle to move through my days and yet I just continue to smile and "act" ok so others do not see the deterioration of my soul. She has been there since October.
Posted: Saturday, January 21, 2023 11:34 AM
Joined: 12/4/2011
Posts: 21244

Somewhere along my journey I realized that quilt and regret were two different things. I reserved quilt for the fellings had when I had knowingly done something wrong. 
I finally realized that I had done my best. My best not somebody elses best.  I am still sad that there were options not realized but I no longer felt quilty. 

You have made decisions based on the lives of more than one person. You are doing your best given what it on  your plate. At the end of the day I hope that you too will accept that that is all you can do.


Posted: Saturday, January 21, 2023 12:48 PM
Joined: 1/21/2023
Posts: 2

Thank you Judith. I've never considered the word regret before and it sure feels better to say that than guilt.  I know in my heart that I have done everything in the past that I could to keep her safe and at her home and emotionally safe as well.  I appreciate your words of wisdom. 

Thank You!

Posted: Saturday, January 21, 2023 8:29 PM
Joined: 4/2/2018
Posts: 7010

Jr, here is a link that you should find helpful. Why Do Caregivers Feel Guilt? 
Posted: Sunday, January 22, 2023 12:03 AM
Joined: 9/21/2017
Posts: 1709

JR20 wrote:
but I know she is scared because I'm no longer with her each day and she now lives with strangers.

Another thing to consider, and you can see it in many many threads here and in the Spouse/partner Forum--our loved ones can be scared in their lifelong homes and their own children or spouses of 50+ years are "strangers" to them now because they remember the child as  baby or mentally are back before  they met their partner.

Thinking their emotions will be calmed as in resolved and over by an action we take today doesn't work. Or rarely.  It's not like a spouse hates the big city where they moved for the other's job so they move back to the 'burbs.

One man drove his wife hundreds of miles to the "home" that she said she wanted .They got there and it meant nothing to her. The mind is chasing memory ghosts.

You have her where she gets the care she needs, where you can still be part of her life and now you can take care of your child and yourself.


Posted: Monday, January 23, 2023 4:25 PM
Joined: 7/17/2020
Posts: 326

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! You have not let her down. You did all that you could, and she is now receiving better care than you can provide. I have not yet needed to do what you have done, but when the time comes, I will not feel guilty about it. I will know that I have done all that I could. So have you.

Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2023 1:31 PM
Joined: 8/5/2022
Posts: 49

Also instead of Regret, think of this as Absence.

Your parents were a big part of your current life, and just not being there with you and your daughter (and you're empathizing about her missing you and your daughter) leaves a certain hole in your daily life.

You're going to be short one less set of hands with your daughter, the person that you will be focusing on more in your future, which will add to the difficulty and pain you feel. Your mother may not easily adjust to her situation, which means you have to do the adjusting for the both of you; visit when you can, and you're going to feel bad when you have to leave, but when you're there with her, make the most of it. And then go home and plan tomorrow with y     our daughter.

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