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Mom is in her new home.
Today we placed our Mother in a dememtia unit and it was a long hard day for everyone but we made it thru .. It will be especially hard at first for Mom to adjust to a new place but she will be ok.... I have talked with all the staff and even her Dr is so caring. He even talked with me and assured me that we did the right thing for her, that is was time and that they would take good care of her. he talked with me about feeling guilty about placing her there and how to deal with that... what a caring Dr he is and I felt very comfortable leaving Mom with them.
The social worker called a little while ago to tell us that Mom was having a good time with the other ladies watching Lawrence Welk,, her favorite show. Thats a good sign that she will be ok there.
I will be praying for Mom and for all of us to be able to adjust and accept to all our changes,,, good changes.
take care and thankyou
I am so glad to hear all went well and that you have such a sensitive doctor. I know how you are feeling today as do many others here. Time and adjustment for your mom and for you. She will adjust and she will bond with others.
We did this 3 and half yrs ago and it was the best decision for sure. God Bless and keep us posted.
I remember the day we checked my grandmother into a NH. She claimed to hate it and a week later, she was practically running the place! LOL! She had been scared and lonely at home, and suddenly she had more friends than she had in years! Her life went from boring to never a dull moment. It was the best thing we could have done for her.
Know you did the right thing for your mom!
dms, so glad it went well for you. You may remember that I had to do the same thing with my mom just last Friday. I'm hoping Mom does well....it was a pretty ugly scene when we moved her in.
I keep doubting myself that she's "bad enough" to be in a memory care unit. I wonder if I did the right thing. It kept me up most of last night, stewing over it. There are some pretty late-stage people in her small memory care facility (only 16 people total), and she doesn't seem to know what to think of those individuals. I just pray that she makes friends with the few higher-level residents, but it's hard for her, at least at first. I just hope I did the right thing by placing her there (she's probably Stage 5 but still very verbal and usually makes pretty good conversation, even if she repeats herself a lot).
I don't think it matters how much support I get telling me we did the right thing, because I can still see my mother crying and upset about being somewhere besides "home".. BUT in the evening when she was with me at home she still wanted to go "home". I will always have that pang of guilt once in a while and self doubt, about our decisions to move her but then I just try to think positive and how good it is going to be for her and for us, how much safer she will be,, how much busier she will be there. She was already making friends when we left yesterday...I pray every day too that my mother will adjust to her new surroundings and not be so sad or angry.
We sacrificed alot to take care of her,, especially my husband and frankly we deserve a break and to live our lives. Even in my posts here my emotions go back and forth, I guess that's how it's going to be for a while... I don't plan on visiting her for about 2 weeks either she needs time to adjust, just like she did when she moved in with me 6 year ago,, where does the time go.
My sister is close by and will check on her often. This is where this journey gets really good.... My wonderful sister is in charge of numerous centers and this center is one of her first ones she had when she first started. AND since Mom is there she may get it back to run and it's only 14 miles from her house..... When we toured the place everyone came out to great my sister and to welcome my mother.. I was very inpressed and it gave me the confidence that we were doing the right thing for our mother..... I am very fortunate this way to have a sister with such expertise with the elderly ... she was the only support system besides this site when I was Mom's caregiver,, I had to learn from scratch.
thank you for all your support and help
dms, we can support each other particularly well since we just went through this same situation at practically the same time. You're right, you are very fortunate that your sister is so well-versed in elder care. I'm glad you and your husband can get back to some semblance of a normal life. I never took care of my mom in my own home, but I can imagine how tough that would be on all involved.
My mom cried on Friday when I took her to her new home, and it was pretty awful....I started to cry too, it was just horrible. She was sobbing, saying I put her there "to die." She also said, "I'm an old woman, and I don't even know where I am any more...I don't like these surprises..." and on and on. Like you, I don't think that image will ever fade for me. I was still crying hours later when my siblings called to see how things went (well, a couple of them called. Others didn't bother....and still haven't. Grrr...)
I know I have to just take it one day at a time...and I know I need to stay away but it's really, really hard. It seems like when I was taking care of her before (when she was at an ALF that really didn't do anything for her), I couldn't wait to get a night off. Now. I'm worried about how she's doing, are they encouraging her to participate in activities, is she scared, etc. I just hope at some point I can rest in the peace of knowing she's in the best place for her.
Mom's baby,, yes I agree we can support each other.. sounds like your experience was much worse then mine... but you have to remember.... We are taking care of our Mother's even if we had to place them somewhere else. They need 24 hour care,, something I can not provide anymore. I had reached burnout and she was progressing with dementia...our marriage was suffering also.... I have learned we have to put our lives first or this disease will take everything away from us and that's not fair. I know my Mother if she was in her right mind would never want that.....
On the day of admission my Mother acted like a little child,, crying,, making faces,, and complaining about everything.. I even think she was faking her crying too.. they say they regress to being child like .. well my mother is there.. we think in the 7th stage.
My sister Kathy just called me and she got a report that Mom is doing better and participating in the activities there,, something I could not do enough of here,, keep her busy. She is getting so much more attention there and like Kathy said,, she will either adjust or maybe she will never adjust,, we just have to see but she is in a better and safer place..
Mom's baby,, are you the youngest because I am the youngest of 5 daughters.... 2 of us Kathy and myself have always cared for Mom... one other sometimes helped but 2 other sisters have nothing to do with her care and the 1 stole her property from her.. our disfunctional family but there are many out there.
dms, YES, I am the youngest! And of 5 kids no less! However, there are 3 girls and 2 boys in my family. I'm the youngest by quite a long stretch--kind of the "oops" baby born to my parents in their mid-40s when they probably thought babies were long behind them! The next youngest in my family is a brother who's 9 years older than me. I obviously spent way more time alone with my parents after the other 4 kids left home...I understood them more as people...not just parents. I saw them getting older and understood their needs and limitations. So, I guess I fell into this caregiving role naturally. The other 4 kids pretty much do their own thing. Some are more helpful and involved than others, but it's been made pretty clear that Mom is MY responsibility. (You're not kidding when you say there are a lot of dysfunctional families out there....!)
I'm so glad your mom is doing better and that Kathy is there to keep an eye on things when necessary. My mom is so aware yet at Stage 5...even though she was awfully confused at the rehab hospital. Even after 2 weeks of being there, she would seem to not understand where she was or why. I'd come to visit almost every day, and she'd say, "How did you find me here?" Like some evil person had kept her captive there and I'd never visited. I'd push her in her wheelchair throughout the building to give her a change of scenery, and she seemed to think we'd "gone somewhere else" rather than stayed in the same building.It was this type of behavior that really led me to feel she needed a memory care unit (besides the fact that she didn't seem to grasp that she had broken her hip and couldn't just get up and walk any old time she felt like it.)
When I was at the memory care facility on Sunday night, Mom was obviously somewhat distressed by some of the noises that the Stage 7 people were making. One lady was carrying around a baby doll, and Mom couldn't understand why. That's the kind of thing that bothers me....did I put her with people who will just bring her down?? I don't know. Aggh, this sucks.
My Mom is in stage 6 not 7 that was typing mistake.....from what you say I don't think you made a mistake at all placing here there...My mother goes back and forth also from understanding some things and then getting all confused... I think one of these days she will go and not come back at all,, this dam disease...
In this unit Mom is in, there are residents from all the stages and there are some that are very functional and then some that are not and I did see some with babies too
Thru the years with hopsital stays with Mom and with any change it really took her some time to get use to it.. so give yourself a break and pat yourself on the back,, you are a good daughter for taking on such a hard task as this,,, taking care of our parents
see ya later
Hang in there ( I seem to say that a lot, including to myself!)
I almost wish my parents had chosen to move to this continuing care place years ago...I have had so much put upon me that it was so hard...
But yet - I miss my mom! I see her, and she's more like herself...but I miss the nice times we did have here....
She is enjoying herself, most times, and I think that I never could have imagined that...so many emotions!
this is to Mom's Baby
Please don't worry about it too much...can you change her in the future if she seems ''better'' than where she is?
SAFETY is HUGE!
I have been thinking about this for my mom...I want my mom to be SAFE. Also, in the memory unit it seems that there are things designed for them to do.
Can you tell her she's doing something valuable there?
Helping others ???
My mom, too, looks at others around her and wonder why she's in the same place (SNF, for rehab) as others with ''worse'' problems?
dms...how great, about your sister being able to be there! Wow...
All i can say and think is - safety is huge. I look around here (I'm home now), and know, if my mom were here, she wouldn't see it as ''home.'' It would be too strange to her,.
As time went on, she might get back to seeing it as ''home'' again - but her life is so much more interesting now.
What we do sometimes when I'm there, is go to another part of the building to have a meal. As we go back to her room, my mom starts talking about ''getting home.'' But this time, she means her room!
Also, after dinner (but close to her room) tonight, she came back to her room and talked about how it was ''not her room.'' It looked like it, to her, but it's not her room. SO - here you see - things don't feel like her room, even though she had been in it only an hour before! I pointed out her blankets and her ''friends'' (stuffed animals she just loves)...she adjusted back to accepting it...
When caregivers get worn down, I think that it can endanger the ADLO...Maybe they'll never love it as much as we want them to, when they're in a place that's safe for them, but it can often be better to be with professionals than a worn out caregiver..
I can get tired just figuring out how she perceives things differently than myself.
Just wanted to add - I'm the oldest, and it's been my ''job'' to take care of Mom...I'm very happy to help her, truly I am. But physically - and emotionally - I was just getting worn down. The others have kids, and didn't want to do much more than ''visit'' with Mom....
Also a shock to me has been how much I trully took on...in the sense that, not enough other people knew how I helped Mom, that if something had happened to me in the beginning (heaven forbid), NO ONE would have known all the great things to help her with (like, that kind of foods she likes, what TV shows, etc...I kind of thought others picked up on this).
My mom is now doing things I wanted her so much to do, at the local senior center.
I am so sorry she broke her hip, but this change has been good for her for the most part.
I took this opportunity to start making some changes, but I had been thinking about finding the right place for some time...I could never have imagined moving my mom from this house to a care place, BUT if my mom could have avoided breaking a hip by moving earlier, I know she would have wanted that.
And if it's upsetting to see how confused they can get - please don't forget about the mind that's doing this to them. It can do this to them even in their own homes!
We had a weird snow storm here back in late October. I was worried about my mom because it was in the 50's outside, we lost electricity and at the end of most of a day, about that temp in the house. Annoying to me, but very bothersome to my mom. I was trying to decide what to do about going to a shelter when the power did come back on (it didn't help that trees were down all around the place, and we were told to stay in the home).
The next day I heard her telling my niece on the phone, ''oh yes, we had quite an adventure! We had to go to another place and wear our warm clothes...(sigh) Wow, it was quite an adventure! It was so cold,.'' She went on for a few minutes about our ''adventure''
(I hadn't mentioned the shelter to her)
So, my mom, even though she was HERE the whole time, imagined herself to have gone somewhere else. (She also wasn't happy the TV wasn't working!)
dms, hope your mom continues to do well. Don't mean to "hijack" your thread here with all my problems. Just want to answer a few of the questions Rose had in her posts from last night.
I probably won't be able to move Mom anywhere with a lower level of care....I guess I technically COULD...but money issues would make that difficult. This place is designed to care for dementia patients through to the very end, and they take Medicaid after 1 year. It's not cheap, so her savings will be gone by the end of 2012 for certain. I visited last night, and she wasn't good. Her first words to me were, "I want to go home, please take me home." I changed the subject.and she didn't bring it up again. The residents were all sitting together having a snack, and Mom was next to one of the Stage 7 people who yells a lot. Mom whispered to me, "She does that all day long..."
Interestingly, it was 7:15 pm and Mom asked if I was on my way to work. She asked that more than once during our visit, so she's getting her nights and days mixed up for some reason. While we were making small talk, I told her that I'd run into one of my nephews (her grandson) that day. He's 17, almost 18. She couldn't believe he was that old and said she hadn't seen him in ages (not true.) I asked if she wanted to look at the scrapbook I'd made her for Christmas with all the pictures of our family labeled with names and how she was related to each person. I got it from her room, and it was like she'd never seen it before (we've gone through it at least ten times since Christmas).
When I got to the pictures of one of my sister's children (she has a 33 year old and a 17 year old from 2 different marriages), Mom asked "how did <my sister> get those kids?" She doesn't remember them at all, and she doesn't remember my sister's husbands.So weird, because the 33 year old is my mom's oldest grandchild, born when Mom was 51. That grandchild isn't much younger than me, and she was at our house all the time when we were growing up. My mom potty trained her, the whole nine yards.
When it was time for me to go, I made sure the TV in the big commons room was turned to "Everybody Loves Raymond" (Mom loves that show.) But she said, "What am I supposed to do now??" I reminded her she usually goes to bed at 9, which was only an hour away. She still thought it was morning. Then she started to cry because I was leaving.
Sorry for writing so much...it's just helps me to write it out. In so many ways I know Mom is in the right place. I know it's going to take time for her to get used to this new living arrangement, but it is heartbreaking right now.
Mom's baby - yes, not meaning to hijack!
My mom likes to get into bed early. She has some very sweet nurses, and they help her into bed early. Then she goes to sleep! She was going to sleep early here, too.
If my mom were up, she would probably not know what to do, either.
Is there someone who looks out for her?
This place has a program where an aide of some sort spends time with the ADLO during the day. playing games, doing things with them.
Kind of like the buddy system. In a way.
My mom has asked me, ''where are your kids?'' She saw me every day, every night in a way - and knows I don't have kids. But she will kind of think I'm my sister - but when I tell her who I am, she knows of course I don't have kids...it must be so hard!
Even though my father and I are around a lot, my mom's aides and stuffed animals mean a lot to her.
Do they have things for her to do during the day? This place is not Catholic, but they do have a Mass often, and say the Rosary.
And of course, her therapies are taking up a lot of time. Then she naps in between when she can.
It's actually more work in a way than before, but! It's going to be good in the long run
There are singalongs too, and she can go into the IL and AL areas...
Is your mom on memory meds? (Mom's Baby)
She's also on a low dose of anti-depressant, and her thyroid med helps her not be depressed...
My mom also got dehydrated, too, I think, which can make you feel low...
Just keep helping her...I tell myself my parents could live another 20 plus years, and I just will not be able to help them all that time!
Yes, the place where my mom is now living does have a lot of activities, and they're more for people with dementia than the place where she was living before. For example, her old place would have card games every so often....not something my mom can do anymore. I wish that this new place had a chapel for Mass but it doesn't....I guess I will be taking my mom to church, but in the winter, I really don't like taking her out, especially so soon after a hip break. I guess you can only do what you can do.
The staff there definitely looks out for Mom...there are only 16 residents, and at least 3 or 4 aides present at all times. Of course, the people with more advanced dementia require more of their time, but I know that they try to find things for people like my mom to do. The problem is that I'm at work all day and can only visit on evenings and weekends, and there's not much going on then.
Mom is on Aricept, Namenda and Lexapro (anti-depressant). She also takes a blood pressure pill. She's also having physical therapy 3 times a week, which takes around 30-45 minutes at least. But of course, when I'm there, she tells me she sat around and did nothing all day, which I know is completely untrue, but that's her perspective. She's forgotten what she did that day.
I know it's only been a week and she needs time to get used to it. I think more than anything, it's the upheaval in the carefully constructed routine she had at her old place that bothers her. She was alone in her room there SO much...I have to think that this place will grow on her in time. At least, I sure hope so.
No I don't mind you talking on my thread,, in fact I love it... It sounds like our Mothers are all in the same stage,, about stage 6?? My Mother has the same issues,, When I would come home and ask how her day was with Nancy,, one of the special caregivers,,, Mom would say ,,"she wasnt' here today",, when she was becasue she came before I left for work,, Mom was never ever alone, she also would not remember what she had for breakfast that day either,, Mom could not recognize her picture on our computer either,,, my computer sat on our kitchen table and rotated lots of pictures and she only recognized a few people,, not me and not my husband or herself. Sad isn't it?? I would make me depressed to watch he decline from this hardworking, productive woman that she was.
My Mother is doing ok in her new place,, they do keep her busy but every once in a while she asks about her daughters,,, she was just placed there on the 3rd and I am not going down for awhile until she adjusts to the place if she ever does,, some don't. the nurses have put on her chart that she is pleasent and cooperative,, so thats good,, My sister Kathy is only 10 miles away and gets calls every day on her progress and will visit her more then I can,, I live about 2 hours away. The social worker told us you have to remember that dementia patients "live in the moment" there world is whats around them,, like the center, sometimes when we come into their world in confuses them and they get upset but when you leave they go right back to where they are and they are fine,,, try to take comfort in that. I am but I know it's hard. It was hard leaving her there but I know it was best for all of us.especially Mom.
Today I miss my Mom,, everything I look at reminds me of her but I have to keep telling myself that she is safe and well taken care of,, better then I could do by myself anymore..... My husband and I are reconnecting and adjusting to what we had before I moved Mom in with us and we are planning our future as he will be retiring this October,,,YIPPEE!! can't wait,, we are only in our 50's but will have lots to do
We have to learn that we can still take care of our Mom's even if they are not with us,, I learned that from this site and my sister... but for now we have to learn to take care of our selves....
Danielle M S
Don't feel bad. You are not abandoning your mother.
Hopefully you will visit often to make sure that she continues to get good care. As you know, your presence often is very important. She needs you to be an alert advocate who takes nothing for granted.
You did the right thing. Not everything is cut out to be a home caregiver.
God's Peace Veronica
I beg to differ... I took care of my Mother for 6 years in my home with other caregivers. I was a great home caregiver. She did not want or need a thing and in her new home she will be very well taken care of also. It took me a long painful time to come to a decsion to place her in a dementia unit.. I DON NOT feel like I abandoned her at all As you have said I feel..
Your comment "don't feel guilty not everyone is cut out to be a home caregiver" was unwarranted... You know nothing about what I have been thru or have done. So please watch what you say. Traveling this journey is hard enough.
I actually made a friend today, lol
She is the daughter of two residents there also. She told me how low some of the women in the AL have told her they feel
But it often seems they blame the daughter! She even told me one wants to sue the daughter for ''putting here there!''
I do think they don't like losing their routines...
you know, I thought my mom would have phys therapy a few times a week, too, when she went there...she has it 6 days a week, along with other things! No wonder she's tired a lot
Is there anyone you think can be a friend to her? it's great that the aides are so attentive...
I hope she can find things she enjoys...i've been surprised at some of the things my mom likes, but then I have to remember to mark down those things...and make sure she gets there to them...I thought they'd be more aware of those things and get her to them, but that's where we have to make sure she's involved
I know what you mean, in this post and the other (I think I know what you mean).
I never ever thought my mom would be in a care place, at least not for years. And I do miss her terribly.
But I am just worn out. People who are not doing this, in my family, do not understand anything.
Sometimes we forget how hard it can be to adjust to a new place. I was homesick in college for the first few weeks, and then one day - home? what's home? I was just involved in living life.
I'm not sure that this happens with older folks the same way...but yes, they do live in the moment, and that can be good and bad...
I, too, did so much for Mom, I almost ''spoiled'' her For me, I have a lot of pain in some ways, because I don't have much to ''re-connect'' to! She was the person i was connecting a lot with, and still do. But now she has my dad with her a lot, and my brother and sister's families have visited...her sister has visited, etc.
For me - I want to get away from some of those people because when I needed help, they were not to be found. So now she can see them, I don't have to worry about entertaining them, they can entertain her and give me some time to figure out what to do with my life!
I just think - if not now, when? If they don't move somewhere now, when will they? What else could happen? (heaven forbid)
and how much better that they can enjoy and get to know some people and places before any more things advance.
Rose,, I know what you mean about "dead beat" family.. I think we all have them.. there to share in the glory or take what they can get and not share in the work.
I am a little sensitive since I just placed my mother, it was very hard but necessary. I was and am still worn out. I never realized how tired I was... I have no regrets taking care of her but as her Dr said,, there comes a time when you have to let others take over and "it was time" I know in my heart I made the right choice.
Thanks for all the positive support
Totally...a month after my mom went to this place, I only understand now how worn out I am. And not much to show for it! my mom being in good shape, considering, is wonderful. But a worn out ME is not good.
I never ever thought my sibs would be such a darn problem. All those family gatherings - I thought we'd pitch in and help!
I wish I had realized some things 6 months ago, or sooner.
My sister went to visit Mom yesterday, and brought her family. It's a huge thing, and they'll visit often. But that means I don't have to be there, don't have to be involved in the drama of the sibs acting like I'm ''faking''' how much work there was.
I would have cared for Mom in the future. I figure - I did two years (and more, actually). So ALL my sibs can take BOTH my parents for 2 years each, and then in about 10 years, I'll take my 2 years again
How sad it feels that I was willing to do so much, and the others just weren't. I'm not trying to make a point that I'm so great, or whatever. But I could never have thought it was enough to call my parents once a week, or even less as one brother did. I had a lot of hurt from that. But I can let go of that, do my thing, visit her every day, do other important things, think about my future, and let them figure out how important they want to make their parents in their lives. And how they want to interact with me. My parents did so much for us. I know life is not easy now, you sometimes have to move. But a phone call once a week would not be enough for me. I'm glad my parents' life is now actually more interesting.
I am so very glad I found this discussion. I want to journey with you " Mom's Baby" and "dms". I know that this upcoming week is my decision time, even tho I still have not committed to a facility, I know I must do this this week and start the process of preparing all of us for the move.
Mom thinks she is moving everyday so when the day comes it will be what she has been expecting. The additional problem is Brother, he wants me to move Mother nearer him 2 plus hours away, because now at this late stage he wants to see more of her. Same person who moved her near me in the beginning while I was still hospitalized from a wreck.
I know I must keep her near me as I am her POA both finanical and medical.
Please let me go down this path with friends such as you.
Hey SandraW, how about me too
It can be a bumpy ride, but in a lot of ways, necessary.
I think there are some good posts on moving on the old site, if there's an archive ??
But some people I THINK recommend not telling them they're moving.
moving day can be very different if they have heard so much about it (and not different in a good way)
Every one is welcome here. Even after placing Mom I come here just about every day to read and learn and get support. This board, my husband and my sister Kathy are my support. i still have mixed emotions.
I could write a book how 2 of my 5 sisters took advantage of my parents but didn't lift a finger to help,, it's the same old story but you know.. they are going to have to live with the decisions they have made and suffer the consquences someday..... I did all that I could to take the best care of both of them... another sister lived right next door and really could have done more,, they gave her land that her home is on... they did alot for all of us too...
Debny,, I can't imagine putting 2 parents in at one time,, one was hard enough for me.. are they together in the same place???
Sandra,, I will be praying for you as you make your decisions... Keep in mind that there comes a time when you can't do anymore for them and it becomes a safety issue too... I was just worn out after 6 years of care in my home and my marriage was suffereing,, I am so lucky that my husband stuck by me but it was so hard on him too...and not fair,,,
I never should have jumped in and took on the responsibillity.... my family should have been made to help with everything,, but how do you make a self absorbed person help with taking care of their elderly parents?? One sister actually thought "they" meaniing our parents owed her becasue we had a pretty hard life growing up.. so selfish,,,,
Rose,, did you say you just placed your Mom a month ago?? wow so many people doing the same thing,, caring for their parents.
well have to get ready for work,, you all have a good day,,
Mom's baby,, I hope you are doing ok,, I know it's been hard for you lately,, let us know how you are doing ok???