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2 months later and I seem to hurt more
Posted: Monday, September 24, 2012 7:22 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414

Odd how this grief thing works. It's been 2 months since I returned from 13 days of a surreal time of both parents dying.


I am now in the "estate" phase due to my sister the all powerful (in her mind) Executor status. This just brings so many things up emotionally. Sis is bound and determined to get the house on the market by Nov. which is highly illogical to me if you think of the amount of stuff my parents accrued in their 58 years of living in that house, let alone their long lives of mid 90's.


One estate sale will not empty out that house. I am very glad I won't be there for this, as I would break down watching folks taking things off the walls, going through drawers, etc........I'd be trying to protect it all! Silly as that is.


Also this house is in the Midwest. Winter does not bode well for selling a house now. So I don't understand the big rush or push.


I am to make my "want list". Sigh. I am glad I took pictures of every room and wall while I was there so I can remember stuff.


At least I no longer want to tell every person I meet that my parents died 4 days apart, 2 funerals in 3 days, dad dies the AM of mom's funeral, etc........but it still weighs heavy... it was just too dramatic of an ending for me.


We had an appraiser come in, and I just got the list. He was TERRIBLE at his job. So I write sis. She tries to placate me, once again talking down to me like I am stupid. It is very irritating. So then I call the lawyers office, seems the paralegal must have been told to talk to sis before talking me by sis. As that is how it played out. Then the paralegal tells me that sis is putting her own prices on things she wants!! omg. The lawyer told me 2 months ago sis can not do this as it is a conflict of interest, but yet today, the paralegal was going along with this!! omg.


I miss my parents but I am also angry that they left this mess for us to figure out. They should have downsized at some point in time. Instead we own a museum of cannons, 2600 + and no one seems to know what to do with them.


This is just crazy.

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012 10:24 AM
Joined: 11/30/2011
Posts: 2105



I sure understand the estate thing, my parents' is on a smaller scale, but still very painful to think it's going to dissolve.  My sibling is also the successor executor and is relishing in that position.  My sibling also wants to get things divided and to sell the home and get on with life. 


We not only lost our parents, but we are losing now their things, the reminders of what their life used to be and this is another loss, very painful.  No more picking lemons out in the backyard, no more dinners at grandma and grandpa's house, all the Christmas' where grandma went overboard and the floor was piled high  with Christmas presents for the grandkids, mom making Thanksgiving dinner, me testing spoon after spoon of her potato salad because it was just so good.  Dad's workbench and tools and his immaculate garage.  It will be gone and I have not reconciled that in my head yet.  I'm not ready to move on, I don't know how to.  It's just too soon to do all of this.


Sibling just divided up the bank account and seems joyous about that, it makes me cry.  This week I'm feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness and I'm moving around like a slug.  Just when you think you're doing okay, it all hits you hard, again.  I



Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012 10:31 AM
Joined: 3/11/2012
Posts: 433

Oh, faraway, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. It's hard enough to deal with the loss of a loved one but then to have to deal with the dividing up of the house and their possessions as well. It makes everything seem so final.


I think about what's down the road for us sometimes. My Mom passed away 3 months ago and now my Dad is alone in the house. They have lived there about 20 years, but were married 58. They moved from the house I grew up in about 20 years ago and moved EVERYTHING when they moved. I don't remember them selling, leaving, or giving away anything when they moved!! LOL Since then both Grandparents on both sides have passed away and they have cleaned out their homes - and guess where they contents of their houses went!! Well, to be fair Mom had 6 brothers and sisters so alot of that house was divided up. But Dad was an only child so all of that house came to their home except what the 4 of us grandchildren brought to our homes. Dad has made me the executor of the estate, the trustee of the family trust, given me POA over him (just in case), and added me as a signer on all of his accounts (again just in case). So I don't know how that will go over with all 3 of my brothers. Dad said it was because I was the only girl so he didn't have to choose between my brothers that way. I hope they see it that way. I'm afraid they'll see it as since I WAS the only girl AND the youngest I was always a bit on the spoiled side. I'm afraid they'll think that whole thing all over again.


Then I take a look around our house and think about our kids - what am I leaving for them to deal with?! I'm just as bad as Mom & Dad!! LOL

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012 11:01 AM
Joined: 12/18/2011
Posts: 3097

It got worse for me too after a couple of months--just very depressed and crying a lot.  I'm at 6 months and it's lifting now, so there's hope.


It's comical that your sister is practically killing herself to get rid of things to get a house ready for sale when in reality unless she gives it away it will sit on the market for a L-O-N-G time.


Like everyone else here, I wonder about other people.  Can't anyone just REST and GRIEVE, even a couple of months?  Seems like it's just us.

dj okay
Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012 3:14 PM
Joined: 11/29/2011
Posts: 1840

I hear you guys.  I can certainly try to understand what you're going through.  It seems most of that has already been done in my case.


When we had to move Mom here from Alabama, we had to sell the house and we had very little time to do it, due to my brother and I both being here in Michigan and not wanting the house to sit vacant.  So we cleaned it out and did the estate sale ourselves in 6 days!!! OMG  I've never been that tired in my whole life.  The house sold in less than 2 months and that was that.

Then we had to do the same thing again when we had to put Mom in a facility.  We had to clean out her apartment and have yet another estate sale.  They were both very traumatic for me.  The first watching a lot of things I remember from my youth go out the door.  The second was hard because those were the things that meant the most to Mom.  None of it is fun.


But now I have just a few of her things left from what I had brought home from her apartment (almost 4 years ago) and from her room at the nursing home.  And I'm struggling to get through this.  I just try to do a little each week.  I really don't want more boxes in the basement that I'll have to go through at a later date, I already have enough of them.


I am also the executor for my mom.  I am getting absolutely no pressure from my brother to settle things quickly, I just want to have it done.  It's not that I want to "move on", I just don't want it hanging over my head.


I think a week in a spa, with gentle hands massaging my aches away, a gourmet chef preparing wonderful meals 3 times a day, and maybe the sound of the ocean to wash away some of my pain and grief...maybe that would help. 


I am glad you guys are out there and understand.  I don't feel so alone.

Posted: Tuesday, September 25, 2012 5:21 PM
Joined: 4/19/2012
Posts: 414

Thank you all, and my heart goes out to all of you also with this estate phase.


To me, a good executor would keep me updated on what is going. I am now hearing about things way after the fact. Decisions have been made by my sibs but I was not included in these conversations. Typical of them, now that I know lots of things and conversations went on in the past that I was not privy too.


I am sure this must be hard on my sister, but I am keeping my empathy for myself.

She could easily just lock up the house for a month or so and take a break. Instead she is pushing to get it all done. I guess everyone reacts differently.


I hope sis will not be there for the sale, let the pro's take care of it. But with her issue of "control" she may just stay and watch it all leave. I couldn't do it. Mainly the things there that have been hung on the walls, or sitting on a table all of my life would hurt to see leave, and taken down. There is a story to so many of those things. And yet they are just things.


I've moved a lot in my life so I have downsized quite a bit.


For those of you who are executors I hope you get or have some legal advice. There are things that need to be done legally or bad things can happen. My sister knew none of these things until I got a lawyer involved, the one who set up the trust.


I guess for now I am chosing things (probably too many) on the side of caution. I don't want to wish I had kept this and that down the road. I'd rather have too much then a regret later on. At least if I have it, I can give it up in my own time, not the time table my sister has set up.


And yes this estate thing has made me very weepy and sad, more so than before.


I also have a "trust issue" with my sister. I just don't trust her. I haven't in decades for a variety of reasons.


I am terrified of the holidays. Especially xmas. I really have to come up with a plan for that holiday. But thats a whole nother .........thread.

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