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Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone
Anyone else feel like Mothers Day is screaming at you?
I am at 10 months since mom and dad died.
But the hoopla over Mothers Day, everywhere you turn, is a bit too much. I don't cry, but I do turn away.
Anyone else want share their reactions?
I have flowers for her grave, but just can't buy a card to be placed....
It feels like I have no mother now like the rest of the world, but I do, always have, always will.........it is the hoopla.......that makes me feel like I don't have one...strange....
My mom passed away almost 13 years ago from AD. I remember very vividly the first Mother's Day without her. I got tears and a lump in my throat seeing all the Mother's Day cards and not being able to buy one. Just very difficult to deal with. I'm better about that now. Same thing with my dad. He died last year in May and Father's Day was just the next month, very hard, very strange not to share that day with him.
My dad's first year anniversary of his death is coming this May 22. I'm taking that day off from work and going to the zoo. My parents' favorite place to go.
I think about the places they were and when I'm there, I feel like I'm walking the same path they did years ago, maybe sitting on the same bench they did, enjoying a place the same way they did and it helps with that connection.
Sometimes it helps to make their favorite dish or buy their favorite flowers and just know, they are still with you because you have those memories of them and can still share them, in a different way. I know it can never take the place of them actually being here, but now it's a divine connection.
Last year was my 1st Fathers Day w/o Dad. Had made it thru the holidays (he died Oct 2011) okay & his birthday too, but when I realized I didn't need to pick out a Fathers Day card, I finally cried. (I remember asking my husband, who lost his mom a few years earlier, why he didn't warn me how hard that holiday would be.) I got a card anyway, signed it "Miss you Dad" & mailed it along w/ a check to one of the local food pantries. Guess that'll be my new normal.
Will always remember our last Fathers Day: I went to NH to spend the afternoon w/ him. Found a really funny card, & he thought so too because every 20 min. or so he'd say "Oh, let me show you this nice card someone sent me!" Kind of a bummer that he couldn't remember it was from me, but I guess I got my moneys worth out of it! (This year, I'll get to see how many times my Mom shows me her Mothers Day card & if she realizes it's from me. - Dementia sucks!)
I have flowers placed on my mother's grave for Mother's Day. I too miss sending a beautiful card to her.
Something I do that makes others feel good and also makes me feel good, is that I purchase lovely cards for elderly ladies I know and enjoy. I ensure they get the cards at Mother's Day (to a friend says the card) and also send cards for other holidays.
It helps to fill that little empty space and it also brings smiles to someone else, always a good thing.
My dearest friend lost her mother to alcohol 40 years ago; I lost my Mama to Alz in December. We will both attend Mass on Sunday in memory of my mother (my friend arranged it; can't believe they let her pick Mother's Day but I am glad). It is a day my friend never attends Mass because the memories are still painful but we will go together.
You are right - so much hype about Mother's Day and here we are crying in our pillows. For what it is worth, I have cried about Mother's Day for years as my two sons are estranged from me; this MD will be the hardest yet.
We will get through it together, though, right?
Yes, Mother's Day is hitting me hard, too. I bought an angel holding a bird to put on Mom's headstone. She loved birds and this reminds me so much of her when I look at it. I will take it up there on Sunday. I've decided to buy another one for my garden pond, too.
I told my husband that Mother's Day will be hard for me. But I'm going to try to be strong for my girls. He reminded me of a dream I had. I dreamed not long ago that Mom had been kidnapped and I was running everywhere looking for her. I was franticly trying to find her. The next day I was trying to make sense of that dream and I realized that maybe Mom was trying to tell me that "I'm gone. You need to let me go." I don't KNOW if that was the meaning of the dream or if it was "from" Mom. But it made sense to me.
Happy Mother's Day to all of my friends. I know it will be a difficult day. But we are all in this together. We all understand how hard it will be. We just have to remember what wonderful Mom's we had. Be thankful for that and for the times we got to share with them!
I love you, Mom! Happy Mother's Day!
KML I am glad you have plans for the 1 year mark.
Twink I enjoyed your story about your funny card. Sounds like a sweet memory. I am glad you figured out what to do for the first Fathers Day. Sounds like a good memorial thing to do.
Johanna that is nice of you to send cards to other women. I have done that in the past aunts, neighbors and such. This year I can't seem to get near the card isle for anyone. But I will have flowers placed.
Nora I am glad you can go with a friend to church. That sounds very nice for you. I am sorry about your estranged sons.....
MLB61 I hear you about how your mother didn't care much for the day. That is the way my father was about Fathers Day, he never believed in it, so I won't be doing anything special for that day, that would be his wish.
I am sorry about the flashbacks, I do understand. I had some one day a few weeks ago, the entire scenario of how it all happened and I had a major meltdown. Try not to relive it, shove those out of your mind if you can. I know I don't want to relive those days again.
Oceanbum, your angel with a bird sounds just lovely. Dreams ....been there, know that. We take our messages from them where we can.
Oddly the lady who delivers my gifts/flowers to the parents told me today that someone (suspicious me I think I know) stole the flowers and card that was on my mom's grave, and she had just gone there a week after her bday and they were gone. Now dads bday card and chocolate were still there, so it wasn't the cemetery folks who took it. The card had a personal message and my name on the envelope but it was laminated shut. Who would want a card with my name showing? Hmmm??? I have my suspicions .....
Thanks for sharing everyone. Anyone can share more if they want.
Sorry about the all bold, I couldn't turn it off.......
Ah, yes, Mother's Day. I was just telling my husband about this last week. It seems every where I turn. It's on the sign outside the restaurants to reserve your Mother's Day Brunch, it's the FTD ads for flowers, the Hallmark ads for cards, on the radio, TV, papers. It's every time I turn around.
It makes me very sad and I have shed a tear or two. Can't wait till this first one is over.
djokay, yes that is what I mean, it is everywhere. I get emails from companies I have used reminding me to get mom.......something from their site or store. Just got one from Costco, lol. It really is everywhere!!
I made a little potted garden on my patio and the flowers remind me of mom. She would like it. I have flowers being delivered to her grave too. But suspect they may disappear as well. I just heard from my grave lady who does this for me, and she said "someone" planted flowers there now. I believe the "someone" is who took my card and flowers off of moms grave.
I guess "someone" didn't like my message on the front of the card.
Taking flowers off a grave? Shame on her.........
We had to stop at a grocery store this afternoon for a few items. Walking into the store was a full frontal assault!!! Flowers, plants, cards, candy, cakes..... I had to just shake my head and walk through as though I had blinders on.
Can't wait till tomorrow is over. Sigh.....
My mom's love language ( Gary Chapman's book the 5 Love Languages) was "Acts of Service". That means that she expressed love by doing things for those she loved. She also "heard" I love you when someone did something for her. So, that is what I plan to do to celebrate my mom... I will serve others in her name. She would like that.
Doing something that would make my mom happy, makes me happy. Doing something that she taught me keeps her close to me. Thinking about the times we spent together while she taught me, talked to me, loved on me, comforts me. Yes, I miss her, but she left me with so much that I can give thanks and praise God for her influence in my life. I am the person I am today because she was my mom!
Have a happy mother's day... in honor of your mom Think of the most important lessons she taught you, your happiest memories, the love she shared, the things you laughed about together. Give someone else that gift in her name. This is what helps me, maybe it can work for you all too.
Your words of advice are just what I needed to hear today. Thank you so much for sharing them.
My Mom was always the happiest when she was doing something for someone else, especially one of her children. We always said if the whole world was standing in line waiting to be served she would be the last one in that line - she had to be sure everyone else was taken care of first.
I will go to the cemetery today and place the angel on her headstone. I will assure her that I am well taken care of, because of what she has taught me and for the love that we shared. As I have said many, many times she is my inspiration in all that I am and all that I do. She has made me the person...the Mom that I am. So I will go to the cemetery today and thank her for that.
I bought five roses, all different colors, lavender for my mom, red rose for my grandmother, pink rose for my husband's mom, orange rose for my father and yellow rose for my husband's dad. I put all the roses at my parents' niche, my husband's parents are buried 250 miles away, but the roses were to remember them, too. The need to still do something for them is always strong. I told them all, I miss them and love them and will always remember them.
I felt better about the day doing this. Then I spent the afternoon with my daughter and my husband and we talked about my mom and my dad, things they would do and say and it was a good day. I enjoyed being with my daughter and husband and the rare time we can be together.
My dad's first year anniversary of his death is next week. I thought about him alot. This past weekend, I've been trying to get some things done in my house, it's been a lot of years of not getting to a lot of things, cleaning and organizing, repairing. I was channeling my dad, he was the all time fix it, maintain it, clean it person and he taught me a lot about home repair and maintenance and the beauty of order. I felt close to him this weekend while finally digging in and beginning the process of organizing and clearing out my environment. Just doing that, made me feel some peace.
KML, I am so glad, it brought tears to my eyes to hear that things went well for you emotionally. Healing is a tough deal eh....
I understand about your dad, the fix it guy. Mine was too. I thank him every time I use this set of tools he gave me. And when I do some kind of small fix it, I tell him "sorry dad it is not perfect" but it is said with a smile, and I don't beat myself up for it not being "perfect". No one could live up to dads standards except him.
Your roses sound beautiful!
Please be gentle with yourself for the upcoming "anniversary". I hope you only dwell on good memories, that would be a nice tribute to your dad.
Doing things for them (still), I also find comfort in that.
I am glad that peace is finding a way into you and your life.
I wish you the same. It is difficult and some days are better than others. Still the feelings come in waves and I expect it always will. I have some of my dad's tools and I love that. I was fixing some tracks on the dresser drawers and it was a success and I said out loud, "thanks, dad, for teaching me."
I love that you planted some flowers that remind you of your mom. That's what we need to do, those specials things that keeps a good and thoughtful connection, it helps us, it helps buffers the pain of loss. You take good care. Now bracing for the next occasion...we'll all do it together.