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11 months nov15!!!!
Posted: Friday, October 31, 2014 7:47 PM
Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 553

hi I ocassionally browse the boards and today I decided to add and let all you know that I am ok.... Sard passed dec 15 2013 and the worse two months are comming up. He was in a ger psyche facility for most of November ( not pleasant for him or me). He came home on dec 13 only to die in my arms on dec 15.  This was not expected at this time.... I slowly am putting some organization and routine back into my life....I have slowly put back together my computer room, to find many pictures of sard and I when we were dating in high school... Actually I found a picture where we are kissing each other......also I celebrated my birthday oct 3 feeling sorry for myself that I would be missing his happy birthday from him.. I had to remind him it was my birthday... One birthday 2 years ago I asked him what he got me, (he was always generous and thoughtfull on our special occasions) and that day he picked up a pen from the table and gave it to me... Best gift ever!!! This birthday I received a special sign from heaven..... Again while going thru stuff.  I came across 2 very sweet birthday cards he had given to me in the past.... I missed his favorite signature.    I Love You Sard#it had been so long that he was able to write his name.... So I did celebrate my birthday with tears...of sadness and joy........ I know I am rambling.    That is how this journey now I am going to have to get thru the next 2 holidays.... I have know idea how I will be.... I kinda of let my heart guide me.....and yes I have 2 great kids and 4 grandsons.   My kids are not pushy   They allow me to ride the emotional rollercoaster alone if I prefer.  I go day by day....... I also found a journal I had started at the start of his put a lot of feelings into perspective.   As I wrote how scared I was how was I going to tell my kids etc...this was in 8 years ago.... I did not journal every day... Mostly when things were not going well In our lives.. What it did for me after reading the journal , well it brought me some peace and acceptance about this horrible disease..... It allowed me to forgive myself.... As I still feel I could have done more. I am always thinking of all of you caregivers.    You will never be forgotten.... Love to all of you....... Pauline
Jo C.
Posted: Sunday, November 2, 2014 12:31 PM
Joined: 12/9/2011
Posts: 13113

Hello Dear Pauline, I am so glad you decided to drop in and say hello.  It would be just fine if you wanted to stop and say "Hello" on the Spousal Forum whenever you are up to it..


Once part of this expanded electronic family; always part of us and we like to keep in touch.


I am sorry for the heartaches and how much you miss your beloved.  It is just such an awful thing to have to bear.  Though Sard will always be deeply missed, I hope that solace and peace will soon feel more evident.


With a soft hug from me to you,



Posted: Sunday, November 2, 2014 3:39 PM
Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 553

Joanna,   Thank you with lots of love from me to you!
Posted: Monday, November 3, 2014 4:52 PM
Joined: 8/22/2013
Posts: 146

Hi Pauline

I also have been away for some time.  My DH passed in April and I am dreading the next two months.  I live in Ohio so lots of snow, cold temps and am not looking forward to talking to the four walls.

I am not sure how I am going to get through the Holidays....I wish they were over.  My husband and I did not have children, just us, enjoyed each others company so much....I try to keep busy,  hobbies, volunteering, Church, but some days I feel I am holding on by my fingernails trying to keep it together.

Have read books on Grief, it is indicated you do not work through grief, but grief must work through you.  So on really bad days, I tell myself the grief is at work today moving through my body and mind....sometimes it helps, sometimes not.

I know my husband is at Peace, I am glad he no longer suffers, I don't feel guilty about anything because I feel I did everything humanly possible for him...BUT I miss him terribly and being alone is so darn hard.

Please don't give up, we must keep going, putting one foot in front of the other...I know that is what my Ed would have wanted me to do.

Hugs to you....


Posted: Monday, November 3, 2014 6:25 PM
Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 553

Dear Mary...... I di feel your pain... I too keep busy.. But sometimes I feel they are only bandaids to cover my sadness... I have 4 grandkids.  Which add joy to my life but sometimes I just need to be alone. As you said to let the grief flow thru me.. Yes it is lonely..... And yes I do have lots of great friends but I lost my best friend.... It is so good to hear from u know you are not alone..... I know we will continue to put one foot in front of the other... And soon maybe we will add a skip to that walk...hugs to you.    Would love to continue to hear how you are...... Pauline
Posted: Tuesday, November 4, 2014 1:07 PM
Joined: 2/14/2013
Posts: 223

Dear Pauline, I also think you should post on the Spousal forum as Jo C suggested. I'm sure everyone there wants to know how you are doing.

I lost my husband to Alz on May 7th, 2013. So it has been almost a year and a half ago. I still miss him so much and go to the cemetery every Sunday as I feel close to him there.

 My children all live out of town so I'm alone here in San Antonio with just my two cats to keep me company. I keep busy, reading, working in the yard, doing puzzles and also am an amateur photographer.

The approaching holidays fill me with dread, all the cheerfulness that the season is suppose to bring makes me so sad as my sweetheart is not here to share that with me.

I still cry but not as much as the first year. As the song goes "There is always something there to remind me."And there are lots of things to remind me of my dear husband which starts the grief anew. So I know what you are going through.

The nights are the hardest but I pray before I go to bed and the good Lord sends his peace and I am able to sleep with my cats at my feet.

Take care my dear, we'll make it one day at a time. HappyBee

Posted: Wednesday, November 5, 2014 6:53 PM
Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 553

Dear happy bee... I will post on my original board.  When I have the strength... Yes I am dreading the holidays.. We buried sard on dec 21... I will have thanksgiving hereat my I just spoke to my 2 youngest grandkids and they asked if they were going to sleep over the eve of thanksgiving so they made my decision for me .. So one holiday planned... We need to celebrate not grieve on that thank god for the reality check. I hope you can rejoice on the next 2 holidays you will be in my thoughts.... Love pauline
Posted: Saturday, November 8, 2014 1:45 PM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5213

Pauline, I read your tender note about your husband, Sard. I am so sorry but encouraged to hear your are finding little pleasures. It sounds like you had a wonderful life with your husband before the illness and your love remained strong throughout. You have nothing to feel guilty about, but I know how that is as l I feel it too sometimes (it is my mother with ALZ). I hope I can be strong like you when it is my mother's time and I am the one grieving. Good luck to you!
hopeful today
Posted: Wednesday, November 12, 2014 7:54 AM
Joined: 4/4/2014
Posts: 181

you sound like a very strong woman...Pauline...and I dont know know how to to accept your invite to chat,,,,,but my email is you feel like.chatting....thank you for your encouragement on my post .....
Posted: Tuesday, December 16, 2014 7:05 PM
Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 553

Hi I am back... Yesterday on dec 15 marked the ist anniversary of sard's passing! This is how I was feeling.... I actually felt at peace because the last 2 weeks were very painful and sad for me anticipating the date.... However I figured out it was just a number... Because my sadness was on friday,sat,and Sunday.friday dec 13 he came home from the hospital,  sat. We had a good day in the alz world,and Sunday the 15 he passed away in my arms unexpectedly ... So my anxiety will always be on Friday Saturday and Sunday no matter what the dates will be next year... But that weekend will always be etched in my heart....soooo dec 15 is just a number...not to be forgotten. But a number... I will tell you I did receive a gift from sard.... As I was counting out my money before I went to church yesterday I came across a 1$ bill with the words    " love you" written on the bill.....Ido believe I do believe!!!!!!! Pauline
Posted: Wednesday, January 7, 2015 6:43 AM
Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 553

Good morrning  to all . Well today is jan 7th... All the firsts are over.. Somehow I am feeling a sense of peace.... I cannot believe it has been a year since sard's passing.....yes I miss him ... But I find I can smile a little bit more ..tears are less... At least that is how I am feeling has been quite the emotional journey...pauline
Posted: Thursday, January 8, 2015 12:09 AM
Joined: 4/1/2014
Posts: 5213

I believe, too, Pauline!


 I am happy to hear that you are smiling more and hope you continue to feel more joy. Take care!

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