Just checking in here to share what I learned this past month.

It has been years since I have felt as good as I do now. This is 5 or 6 years after I first felt there was something wrong and 2 years since I was diagnosed.

At first when I heard "dementia" I panicked. Even though I had taken care of my Dad when he had it and knowing what a wonderful time we had through out his Alzheimer's, I expected this to be a horrible death sentence.

First advice I got was to put my affairs in order so we went to elder care attorney and got wills made and end of life directives etc. I stocked up on disposable diapers and a new pillow and memory foam. It is funny to see those items around the house now. I remember being petrified that when I could no longer drive I would not have access to chocolate donuts. True!

I read up on death and how to die, I wrote long winded (I know) emails to my son and daughter about Life's Big Issues, and so on. I forgot how to smile. I was mad at my husband for everything that had not happened and was never going to happen. I was a jerk except to the dog. I forgot how to smile.

I understand now that period of adjustment was what it was like to find my direction without a map. What seems to have happened was I finally got the hang of it, I learned how to navigate cognitive losses and vision loss too. Even though medical sites claim we lose our ability to learn, I find myself learning every minute of every day. I also find most of what I feared is avoidable, that there is not a pill for ignorance, and that there are people out there teaching that we do not become empty vessels or a creepy burden on society. I looked into mirror and practiced making a happy face and the habit came back.

My husband had no experience with taking care of someone but had one experience as a child with a neighbor who had dementia and who would come over unexpectedly and yell "Yoohoo!" (I hope to be that woman some day!) She was not a problem but a neighborhood character. A lot of information out there is tragically wrong.

My days now are spent according to what I can do and I don't worry when a day comes that I don't know what a can opener looks like. I am in love with my husband again, the dog still is adored. I learned to hear myself laugh again.

The light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be sunny.

What you can share about your own story is valuable and these boards provide us an opportunity that did not exist 15 years ago to help each other by sharing how we are doing, good times and bad. Even that expression I changed to EASY times and HARD times. During the hard times now my husband helps, during easy times he lets me alone to do stuff.

Even a sentence or two can be a profound source of help to others. Your life matters, your story is important.

Love and Courage