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George K
Posted: Friday, September 25, 2015 5:21 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


  

Everyone visiting this site probably has a lot of stress in their life. Here's a stress level indicator.

I'm not sure exactly how this works, but it is amazingly accurate. Read the full text before looking at the attachment.

The attached picture has two identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at Johns Hopkins Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored scientific study revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the two dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the attached photograph and if you find more than one or two differences, you need to take a break...a long break. 

 


File Attachment(s):
dolphins(1).jpg (38251 bytes)

RachelO
Posted: Friday, September 25, 2015 1:03 PM
Joined: 6/22/2015
Posts: 325


Three college roommates got together regularly over the years, even though their professional lives differed widely. One had become an attorney, one a professor of Italian literature, and the third, a zoologist. When they next met, they were pretty gloomy, and it turned out that each had been told by his physician that he only had six weeks to live. Understandably, the conversation turned to the way in which each intended to live out his last days.

"I'm going to Tanzania," said the zoologist. "I've always wanted to see the rare mountain gorilla in its native habitat".

"Italy for me. I want to see where Dante was born, to be buried near the great man. And you?" asked the professor, turning to the third friend. "What would you like to see?"

"Another doctor", said the lawyer.


greg49
Posted: Saturday, September 26, 2015 8:05 PM
Joined: 8/8/2015
Posts: 254


True story. Dad has his grandchild with him, is about 8. Kid says, "Wow, that stinks",as they drive past a hog operation in the country. Dad says, "You know what that is? It's manure". Kid says, "No, grandpa, that's pig shit".
bluepenguin1601
Posted: Saturday, September 26, 2015 8:57 PM
Joined: 10/8/2014
Posts: 470


“This post was deleted by the ALZConnected Moderator on 12/21/2015.” 


greg49
Posted: Sunday, September 27, 2015 12:31 AM
Joined: 8/8/2015
Posts: 254


Sister Matilda was a workhorse. She stayed busy seeing shut-ins all day long. She was so intent on her work that she forgot to check the gas gauge. Yeah, she ran outta gas. So she looks for a gas can in the trunk, but comes up empty. She is just 2 blocks from a gas station. So she looks in the back seat and comes up with an idea. She grabs a bedpan and trucks it on down to the gas station, where she buys a dollar worth of gas. She waddles back to the car and slowly spills the gas into the tank. This elderly couple is driving by. The old man is sitting passenger and stares at the nun tilting the bedpan into the gas tank. His wife, says, "What are you looking at, anyway". The old man points and says, "If that car starts, we're converting to Catholic"....
George K
Posted: Sunday, September 27, 2015 11:01 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

At the end of his sermon each week Father Richards offered an altar call, inviting anyone who needed prayer to come forward.

.

Last week, Father Richards gave the invitation and was surprised to see Lee Johnson, known as a local roustabout, coming forward.

.

"Brother Lee, what do you need prayer for today?" Father Richards inquired.

.

"My hearing," Lee answered quietly.

.

Father Richards put his hands on each side of Lee's head and prayed a prayer so beautiful that surely the angels in heaven must have been crying. It was a prayer so profound there were only a few dry eyes among the congregation. When he finished, Father Richards removed his hands from Lee's ears and bellowed, "So Brother Lee, tell the congregation how your hearing is now!"

.

Lee answered, "I don't know, Father. It's not until next Tuesday."

.


Unforgiven
Posted: Sunday, September 27, 2015 12:53 PM
Joined: 1/28/2013
Posts: 2404


Didja hear the one about the obsessive, Agnostic , dyslexic insomniac? He used to lie awake nights worrying about whether or not there was a Dog.
MissHer
Posted: Sunday, September 27, 2015 10:35 PM
Joined: 11/13/2014
Posts: 202


Hi..All of these jokes are funny but this one is particularly humorous. I live in Iowa and your dad's grandson is hilarious..in my opinion. I've been by many fields after they spread the hog .... Thanks for the chuckle.. :=)

George K
Posted: Tuesday, September 29, 2015 6:12 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She remarried and that husband ran out on her. She married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."
.
The next day, the doorbell rang. There, on her porch, was a man with no arms and no legs.

.

"Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he said.

.

She replied, "Tell me a little about yourself."

.

"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he explained.

.

She asked, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
.
He answered, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

.


George K
Posted: Thursday, October 1, 2015 12:05 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

A priest gets pulled over for speeding. The police officer sees an empty wine bottle in his car and smells alcohol on his breath.

.

"Father, have you been drinking?" asks the officer.

.

"Only water, my son," replies the priest.

.

"Why then do I smell wine?" questions the officer.

.

The priest, looking at the wine bottle, replies, "Lord, He's gone and done it again."

.


George K
Posted: Friday, October 2, 2015 11:18 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

Ole and Lena had been dating for a year when they finally consummated their love.

.

Afterwards, as they were lying in bed together, Lena asked Ole, "Ole, do you smoke after sex?"

.

Ole said, "I don't know. I never looked."

.


RachelO
Posted: Friday, October 2, 2015 11:34 AM
Joined: 6/22/2015
Posts: 325


Thoroughly fed up with his wife's incessant pissing and moaning, Joe agreed to accompany her to a meeting with her therapist. Once there, he made it clear he had no idea why she was complaining all the time.

"Well, Mr. Johnson," the therapist said, "it is customary for married people to have sexual intercourse regularly, even frequently. Mrs. Johnson tells me that even on the nights when you don't fall asleep in front of the TV, you never respond to her sexual advances".

"Yeah, well, so?" Joe scratched his head. "So whaddaya recommend?"

"Well, a reasonable minimum might be sexual intercourse at least twice a week, " suggested the counselor.

"Twice a week, huh?", grunted Joe, thinking it over. "Okay, I could drop her off on Mondays - but on Friday's she's gotta take the bus".


George K
Posted: Tuesday, October 6, 2015 12:43 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone."

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.


RachelO
Posted: Friday, October 9, 2015 9:02 AM
Joined: 6/22/2015
Posts: 325


Three fellows die and are transported to the pearly gates where St. Peter explains that admission depends on a quick quiz. "I'm just going to ask each of you a single question," he explains. "What, please, is Easter?", he asks the first guy.

"That's easy. Easter is when you celebrate the Pilgrims' landing. You buy a turkey - "

"Sorry," interrupts St. Peter briskly, "You're out". And he asks the second man, "What can you tell me about Easter?"

"No problem. That's when we commemorate Jesus' birth by going shopping and decorating a tree -"

"No, no, no," St. Peter bursts out, and turns in exasperation to the last guy. "I don't suppose you know anything about Easter?"

"Certainly I do. See, Christ was crucified, and He died, and they took the body down from the cross and wrapped it in a shroud and put it in a cave and rolled this big stone across the entrance -"

"Hang on a sec," interrupts St. Peter excitedly, beckoning the other two over. "Listen. We've got someone here who actually knows his stuff."

"And after three days they roll the stone away," continues the third guy confidently, "and if He sees His shadow, there's going to be six more weeks of winter".


George K
Posted: Saturday, October 10, 2015 7:37 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic

He put a sign up outside that said:

" Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000 ."


Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,

thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.



Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that's Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back."

(giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"


George K
Posted: Sunday, October 18, 2015 4:47 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

Imagine this: there's a teenage Jesus talking on the phone...

.

"And I was like 'I'm the son of God.' And they were like "No Way!" And I was like "Yahweh!"

.


ElTito
Posted: Sunday, October 18, 2015 9:11 AM
Joined: 6/10/2013
Posts: 37


Skeleton walks into a bar and says "give me a beer and a mop."




RachelO
Posted: Monday, October 19, 2015 12:54 PM
Joined: 6/22/2015
Posts: 325


 “This post was deleted by the ALZConnected Moderator on 12/21/2015.” 


George K
Posted: Thursday, October 22, 2015 5:23 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

After their barn burned down, Bob's wife Sally called their insurance agent to file a claim and demand the amount the barn was insured for, $60,000.

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"Hold on just a second there, that's not the way it works. First we'll send out an adjuster to assess the damage, then we'll provide you with a replacement barn, just like the original," stated the agent.

.

After a lengthy pause Sally replied, "What! Well, if that's the way it works, cancel the life insurance on my husband immediately."

.


George K
Posted: Tuesday, October 27, 2015 6:59 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

A woman had just got undressed in her hotel room when there was a knock at the door.
.

"Who is it?" she asked.
.

"Blind man," came the reply from the man outside.
.

"O.K." she replied, "Come in."

.
The man came in and asked, "Do you want venetian or roller blinds?"

.


Iris L.
Posted: Thursday, October 29, 2015 8:10 PM
Joined: 12/15/2011
Posts: 14485


Rules for Halloween for Seniors.

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:


10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.


 

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,

you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: 'Great Frankenstein Mask,' 

And you're not wearing a mask.


5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...'

And you can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night,

you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.



2. You're the only ghost in the

neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go

Trick Or Treating...

*

*

*

1. You keep having to go home to pee.


Iris L.


George K
Posted: Saturday, October 31, 2015 5:54 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

What do you get if you goose a ghost?

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A handful of sheet!

.


RachelO
Posted: Friday, November 6, 2015 10:19 AM
Joined: 6/22/2015
Posts: 325


A little bit of Friday humor; it is not politically correct.  The first one is Canadian but you'll manage:

19 Newfies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"  Buddy replies, "The film said 18 or over." 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. 

I was at an ATM yesterday.  A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy. 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 a m.   Can you believe that...2:30 a m? Lucky for him I was still up practicing my Bagpipe. 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.  I said "You're obviously not listening".   

The wife was counting all the nickles and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. 

An Asian fellow has moved in next door.  He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.  It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 


George K
Posted: Wednesday, November 11, 2015 8:06 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


 

 

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm
based in Dublin.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had
similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test together and
led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men were told they had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the
interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.

Manager: "We have made our decision based not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.

 

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?

Manager: "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I
don't know.'

You put down, 'Neither do I' ."

 

 


Katy Girl
Posted: Friday, November 13, 2015 9:17 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 137


Retired Person's Perspective

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

 
Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a damn anymore and you feel lucky just to wake up in the morning.
 
                                                                          AND THIS LIST COULD GO ON AND ON================
 
 

 

 


George K
Posted: Saturday, November 14, 2015 4:48 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


 

Two men who were talking.

 

The first man said, "We decided as a family, we watch too much T.V. My son watches so much T.V. that he doesn't get his chores done. My daughter watches so much T.V. that she doesn't get her homework done. My wife watches so much T.V. that she doesn't get her work done."

 

The other man said, "Well, what have you decided to do?"

 

"Well, I have decided that I'm simply going to unplug the T.V. That is as soon as the football season is over!"


George K
Posted: Saturday, November 14, 2015 4:56 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


In a galaxy far, far away there was a party to celebrate the 422nd birthday of Yoda.

All the guests were there: Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Princess Leia, Chewbacca and all the rest.

When the cake was cut and served Luke Skywalker asked Yoda, "Master Yoda, how am I to eat this piece of cake?

Yoda replied, "Use the forks, Luke, use the forks."


George K
Posted: Sunday, November 15, 2015 7:22 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

I decided to go to the local Baptist Church for the first time, to see what it was all about.

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 I sat down and the Reverend came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of The All Mighty, and Jesus Christ, you will walk today."

.

 I told him I was not paralyzed.

.
 He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.. Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

.
 After the prayers, I stepped outside - and to my amazement - my car was gone!

.


George K
Posted: Monday, November 16, 2015 5:08 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

What do you get if you cross a horse with a donkey?

.

Answer: a mule.

.

What do you get if you cross a freeway with a pogo stick?

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Answer: killed.

.


George K
Posted: Thursday, November 19, 2015 7:15 PM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

 A guy walks into a doctor's office with a penguin on his head.

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The doctor says, "How can I help you?"

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The penguin says, "Can you get this guy off my feet?"


George K
Posted: Saturday, November 21, 2015 7:55 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

 

A father offers  advice to his son on his wedding night and the result is  priceless


Mike was about  to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little  chat.
  


He said "Mike,  let me tell you something.  

On my wedding night in our honeymoon  suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said 

'Here  ... try these on.'  

 

She did and said 'They're too big, I can't  wear them'.  

 

I replied 'Exactly.  I wear the pants in this  family and I always will.' 

 Ever since that night we never had  any problems."    


"Hummm" said  Mike.  He thought that might be a good thing to  try.
    


On their  honeymoon Mike took off his pants and said to Karen "Here .... try  these on". 
  
She tried them  on and quickly said "They're far too large.  They don't fit  me."

    
Mike said  "Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always  will.  

I don't want you to ever forget  that".   


Then Karen took  off her pants and handed them to Mike.  

She said "Here ... you  try on mine." 

 He did and said "I can't get into your  pants."    
Karen said  "Exactly

And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you  never will."


George K
Posted: Tuesday, November 24, 2015 8:09 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


.

 http://tinyurl.com/qfy8udc

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nitalong
Posted: Tuesday, November 24, 2015 5:30 PM
Joined: 7/26/2013
Posts: 60


Great post, I needed that today. Thank you.
tos
Posted: Tuesday, November 24, 2015 6:07 PM
Joined: 6/4/2015
Posts: 349


This was one of my dad's all-time favorite jokes:

 

A man goes to prison and when nighttime rolls around he's lying in his bunk contemplating his situation.  All of a sudden he hears someone yell out, "44!"  Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.

He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.

"What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.

"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."

"Oh," he says, "can I try?"

"Sure, go ahead."

So, he yells out "102!" and the place was dead quiet save for a few groans. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head.

"Hey, what happened?"

"Well, you know what they say: some people can tell a joke, some people can't."


George K
Posted: Monday, November 30, 2015 8:30 AM
Joined: 12/16/2011
Posts: 2048


 

 After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

That's okay with us," the mother said, "but what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."


 
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