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Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone
Oh jfkoc, my heart goes out to you. How difficult the "firsts" are, and how difficult to redefine oneself with the new designation. To lose a beloved spouse or child is truly the deepest of losses.
I find myself dreaming about my mother more often, nothing particularly notable; she is simply in the dream and is younger and healthy. How I wish . . . .
Easter Sunday was a day I so wished I could turn back the clock. Our house was where family members gathered for Easter and other holidays, and I usually went all out with the decorations and table settings and Mom of course was always there. Then I had to realize that so many others who were also always there had also passed away; brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles. It was sadly poignant to recall those much better, happy days shared with Loved Ones; but I am also grateful that I had such times in my life.
No matter the designation Judith, you are still the beautiful, smart, talented and caring person you have always been. You are so helpful to others, and I admire all you do.
Warm thoughts coming your way,
I can really imagine exactly what you mean and I am truly, from the heart, so very sorry. I am glad you could say what you felt. It must be exhausting at the core of the soul to have to pretend.
My beloved husband is still with me, but he is older now and has diabetes and a few other things that are in the mix. Though he faithfully sees his doctors, he does not take care of his health and just does what he wants. His triglycerides are terrible and this really worries me; heart disease and death from same are rife in his family. I have also noticed something new that is concerning; a few startling blips on the memory side of the ledger that were really notable; they don't happen very often at all, but it is still there and while this is new, it has become more noticeable to me, but as yet, would not be diagnosable if it is really a change in "condition." It should be mentioned that his family has had a history of Alzheimer's Disease.
We have been together since we were 14 years old. We eloped and married at 18 right after high school graduation. (Obviously teenage optimists.) Our four kids are now grown and our grandkids range between second grade, college and the air force. Except for one adult kid who lives a distance, all are out of state. They all have their own very active lives.
It scares me something dreadful whenever I think about losing him. I mean BIG time scared. I would not know how to live without that part of me, nor how to put one foot in front of the other. Frankly, it causes me a degree of anxiety just whenever it crosses my mind. I have loved him dearly for more years than we spent in our parents homes and we have lived as one mind rather than two much of the time and he has been my rock. You know how that is.
He is my love, my very best friend, my sage, and though I am smart enough to know how to manage finances, etc.; I cannot imagine emotionally going forward without him. I have never known anything different since I was a child. You have been forced to suffer such a tremendous loss that can shake one's very foundation, and through it all, you still find the strength and compassion to look outside yourself to help others.
Now, I may be the one to leave this earth first, I realize that; but the idea of losing him is more than I can bear to even think about, so I try to avoid doing that. It is just that as we have begun to get older, and more losses are around us of friends and acquaintances, the topic raises itself more frequently in my mind. Frankly; I think someone would have to come with a spatula and scrape me off the floor.
You inspire me; you have somehow managed to find a way to pull yourself up by your socks, and though feeling the loss deep within, are engaged in the community and connected to other people and still put out your hand and heart to help others; I am astonished at how much you have been able to push through the feelings and emotion that surround you and continue to give despite the rawness of your loss.
I am wholly and truly sorry for your pain and so wish I could do something to make things easier for you.
Judith, may complete peace and solace find you soon and may you find that special place where you feel safe and strong and whole again.
With a big hug and affection to a special friend,
Judith, just wanted to say that I think you are such a strong person also. You have been through so much and through all your pain you still reach out and help others. You have really helped me a lot and just wanted you to know how grateful I am.
I am praying for you that you can get your balance back and not feel like you are hanging by a thread. I can not imagine how hard it would be to lose your love, your rock and your life partner like that. It will definitely take some time to recover from such an experience. You hang in there, I know you have what it takes to get over this. You are an amazing, strong, kind and compassionate woman! Sending you one of my biggest hugs and lots of love.....
Judith, I am so very sorry for your pain. God will get you through this and one day you will not hurt as much and you will get great comfort in knowing that one day, you will be together again. I can't tell you how grateful I am for your advice and kind words . You unselfishly give of yourself, even though you are hurting tremendously. We are truly blessed to have you amongst us and I want to say, Dave, but oh God, please let it be right....was a very lucky man and would be so proud of you for being such a vital member and advocate for people with dementia.
If I got your husbands name wrong, I do apologize.
I know how you feel. I think each of us who have lost their loved one does. There are too many firsts for us. I have yet to utter the "w" word and may never.
You are an inspiration to us- giving of yourself and helping others when you aren't doing that well yourself. You've been so good to my family; being an advocate for Sarah during her illness and visiting various homes before my sister's placement.
Maybe in time we'll be finished with the "firsts" but the hole left in out hearts will be there forever.
Again, take care, my friend. Dick will always be with you just as Charles will always be with me.
Warm hugs to all of you. I have not lost my spouse, I need to give him a hug tonight. Being human, I sometimes take too much for granted.
Nothing is forever, some things feel they should be, I wish some things could be. I do believe that love does stay, even death can't diminish it. So that is something and I know the transition to this memory of that love, this different love is so very hard to adjust to. But then I think, how fortunate to have had it and given it the best opportunity to grow into something so lasting. That is special.
I agree 100% that it is hard to file income taxes as a lot of the medical charges are Jim's which reflect back on painful memories!