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Caregivers Who Have Lost Someone
I was wondering.
Seems like not to many people post on this forum anymore, even tho quite a few people have passed on lately. People still read this forum, they just don't post. I guess after awhile we don't have much to say.
So I was wondering how anyone that has lost a loved one and posted in the last few years is doing? If anyone replies, Thank You.
I guess I never thought to post here when my mom died, because she wasn't the one with dementia. But as I read what others have written, I realize that the dementia component isn't really the important part. It's the pain of loss, the remembrance of good times, and the joy of knowing that my mom and dad are together again with Jesus.
Hey ALH, good to hear from you!
Yes, I do feel like I have less to say. I read fairly often but post rarely.
I can't say that I've moved on. I'm not even sure what that means. Life is certainly different now. Simply because I'm still alive. But I don't feel like I've moved on.
It's been two and a half years since Tom passed. I think of him almost every day. Quite often I feel him near. Which of course brings tears. I often say to him "Don't stop visiting just because I cry everytime you do". I feel his love. I feel his presence. I miss him.
In recent months more of the memories of our 30 years together have been coming back. The juggling of our work schedules, raising our boys, camping, hiking. The times we got along well. The times we aggravated each other. The laughs, the tears. All of it.
I can't say I've found my way yet. I remember when my life was laid out. I seemed (ha ha) to know what I was doing. Working in a computer department, raising children, marriage, church, extended family, ... Now I notice other people busy with these things. But my life is much quieter.
I did start drumming of all things. Djembes, congas, bongos, things like that. I'm in an ensemble. Sometimes we perform but more often we host drum circles for communities, schools, daycares, corporations, block parties. This past Tue eve we drummed for a group of dementia patients at a local nursing home. I had no idea I would like drumming.
I'm still on the fairly young side (late 50s). I wonder if I will ever be in a significant relationship with someone again. Sometimes I think I might want to. But on the rare occasion that anyone approaches me in this way, I can't run away fast enough! Pretty funny to see.
I don't know if any of this means I have moved on. Mostly I feel lost and aimless. Best I can say is I'm trying to keep going.
How are you doing since your beloved wife passed? Are you finding your way? Have you found some peace, and hopefully even a little happiness?
I miss your jokes. Hoping you are well, Cynthia
MP, sorry to hear about your husband. You certainly have your hands full. As far as your Dad, I'm sure he is very proud of you for taking care of him and now your mom. What father wouldn't be proud to have a daughter like you?
Ukie, glad your seem to be doing a little better. I think that living closer to your daughter will help. Nice to hear from you again.
Chris, your absolutely right.
Cynthia, great to hear from you. I was hoping that you would reply. Sorry to hear your still having sad days. I don't know if that will ever change. It hasn't for me. Your in your late 50s and still have a lot of years left so lets hope it does. Drums? That's good. Gives you something to do and makes the people listening happy. I understand what you mean about another relationship. Again, your still young. I have a neighbor that is a widow. She called me a few months ago and asked if I would like to go to dinner with her. I said no. She must be desperate. LOL. I've volunteered a few times helping feed homeless Vets. and I collected $387 in 2 day's for ALZ., but nothing steady. You asked, How are you doing since your beloved wife passed? Are you finding your way? Have you found some peace, and hopefully even a little happiness?. The answer to everything is no. My wife is gone 22 months now and I guess it will always hurt. I go to the casino a few times a week. When I'm at the casino I don't think about things like I do when I'm home. Well I guess I've talked enough. Take care of yourself and good luck.
Thanks for asking this
Struggling...but more good than bad days.
I read a lot of posts, but a lot of time just don't log in.
I feel a little guilty for not going on CG board and maybe offering or just support. I am just drained.
Physical and financial has drained me. But I will perservie!
I am walking in local Alz walk for 3rd year and volunteering and on local committee for 2 year.
I've not been able to do as much hospice volunteering-see stress post on this forum .
I read an article a while back in adult orphans and that you really mourn the first parent also. One may or may not have grieved because of living parent. I believe this has/is happening to me.
I am trying to go easy on myself, pushing myself, but not to extreme and will allow myself a day without outside contact. To re adjust.
I think more people read this forum, but just might not post. Knowing we are there if needed goes a long away, but also knowing people are reading but not always expecting an answer, that it might just be...
an update-or thoughts.
It's comforting to me. If I ask for opinion, I do get replies.
I'm so glad for this forum. Some of my dear friends are so beautiful in their caregiving. I know they have learned and applying many of suggestions by us that have been there.
It also saddens my heart when one of us loses our LO.
So many things change. Lives, home, $$$, our purpose.
I am sending all of us an endless supply of poptarts.
Seriously...go buy a box.
Enjoy it. Go swing at a park.
Always Be VK.
Glad you have more good days then bad. Also nice that you volunteer for ALZ and Hospice.
Hospice asked me to be a volunteer for them. I said no. I don't want to watch another person die. It never bothered me before, but it does now.
How do you eat all those poptarts and not gain weight?
They're virtual! No calories!
Truthfully, I haven't had a pop tart a very long time. I have yet to watch Andy Griffith, but at least I'm thinking about watching it. Baby steps, right?
Cyber hugs, my friend! .
Hmmm, been thinking what to say, will be 3 yts in Jan. For me. I think its not so much as "miss" but "mourn". I am going on 78, so dont have the "creative spirit" in me to just go out on new adventures, maybe it is just accepting when I am at, and giving thanks for what I had and count my blessings, rely on my faith a lot, happy?? Well hard to define, but have peace most of time in my heart. I think the worst was gaining peace over the memories of his last year, year and half, and walking thru it with him...
I live close toone ofmy kids, i volunteer at a thrift store, do puzzls, walk an hour a day, drive up to my beloved Idyllwild for church occasionally , have a pet cockateil, who I talk to, LOL...my health in pretty good shape, have to watch my immune system reactions!! Blessings to everyone..Roxy
It feels good to take a read. And e-encounter old e-friends....
As some of you well know, my immortal beloved died. He was a living breathing vessel of love. We had lived together for 48 yrs. He was 68 when he died. 3 1/2 yrs. ago.
Frankly, dementia/AD still haunts me. Death walks by my side.
Oftentimes, the dust of mourning, grieving, sorrow, and pain envelopes me. I wipe the sand from my eyes. I let the tears flow from my heart. For I know that those instances of tears, pain, and sorrow eventually will subside... I calm down. And I keep walking. Where to? To a place unknown to me. My personal existential odyssey that only the gods know... the force of destiny... And a journey in life. To be sculpted.
The complexities, the issues, the emotions, the feelings, the memories (good and bad) are secretly guarded, well-remembered, inside my heart. Until I die.
O Death! Don't keep my immortal beloved away from me. Keep the love scent of him, inside of me.
Kisses and hugs,
Roxy, sounds like your doing ok. That's good.
I don't have a cockatiel and this probably sounds stupid, I still talk to my wife everyday.
w/e, nice to hear from you again.
surfergirl. you made me laugh, something I don't do much anymore.
I wasn't trying to be cruel, it's just nowadays I prefer to be alone.
You didn't say how your doing.
It has only been a little over a week for me since my mom passed away.
I am having a rough day today. Just thinking about things I could have done differently. Probably not good to go there.
Louise...I am 18 months into "widowhood" and know, looking back, that things could have been done differently but that is because I have learned more.
So I do have regrets but no quilt.
I hate death.
jfkoc, I remember you once saying that your husband passed away oct.6, 2015. I remember because that was 4 days before my wife passed.
So unless I'm wrong you've been a widow 22 months, not 18.
P.S. If you run into widow, just say "it's nothing personal" and she'l feel better .
I guess it isn't what I could have done since I really was with my mom and did everything that I myself could do but recently I was up against some people at the nursing home, mostly the nurse. But just wish I didn't let them treat me the way they did and my mom and didn't allow them to lie to me
My ex-husband died three years ago next month. I feel like a widow, even though we had been divorced for many years. He was the only man I ever loved. I pretend he is still living and talk with him at night. I know this can't go on. My memory lapses were significant in our marital issues, even though I was not aware at the time. I often wonder if we would still be married if he had understood that my memory lapses were not deliberate.
LouiseAM80, I hope the counselor helps.
Iris L., It's just my opinion, I don't think you have to still be married to miss an ex. husband that passed away. Married or divorced if you still loved him the heart still hurts.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
My mother died from Alzheimer's 17 years ago before this on-line board was here. My father died from Alzheimer's 5 years ago, and I was on the board everyday for a very, very long time. I still check in, I still think about my parents and what they went through. Sometimes, I feel I have something helpful to say to another person and that makes me feel good if I can soothe someone or provide some information that can be helpful based on what I have experienced.
My only sibling has cut off all contact with me. Our relationship started to deteriorate after the death of my mother. It got progressively worse when we had to care for our father. She has written a letter to me stating that she wants no contact whatsoever with me. This feels like another death in a way and I am struggling with it. It is so senseless to me. It brings such feelings of loss and shame that your only sibling wants nothing to do with you.
So I am struggling with that. There are situations where we are attending family functions and she makes a point of shunning me. She's been trying to put distance between us for many years now and I've been trying to hold on and I'm trying to let it go and realize that not everyone comes from a happy family, not everyone loves you unconditionally, not everyone cares about you the way you care about them. It is not a great lesson to have to learn, but it is my reality now. My parents would not be happy this is happening, but here we are.
So it is another struggle and I'm pretty tired of it.
KML, It's to bad your struggling because of your sister. Maybe she don't want any contact with you because she's jealous of you.
Your right, not everyone comes from a happy family. I know that from personal experience. Hope things get better for you.
Care givers who have lost someone.
I have not
posted here yet maybe because it’s one of those first, and I still can’t believe
that she is gone, some days I feel like I am in a dream, and when I wake up she
will be here, Linda passed away on June 16, 2017 after 9 years with VD. It has been a struggle for me. I had my first holiday
July 4 without her, then her birthday and my birthday. I can hardly stand the
thought of the 3 major holidays that are yet to come. I have not touched a
thing or moved anything that she had touched or put some place.
In my heart I know that I gave her the best care that she could have, yet
I suffer from so much guilt about things I did or did not do. On May 5 I put
her in MC and six weeks later she passed away I think she just gave up, I feel I
should have sucked it up and just kept her at home. If I had done that I think I
would feel better about her passing. Ours wasn’t just a marriage of 53 years we
were also business partners for 42 years. I have her picture that I carry from
room to room, I kiss it good night and good morning I talk to her every day. I miss
her so much that there are no words to describe it. Some days are OK and other
days I can’t stop crying.
I do read
the other boards but I think I will stop that as I see things that I wish I would
have done differently.
Blessings to you all,
I am so sorry. Grieving is very difficult and I believe most of go through the part of where we think we should have done things differently or had done more. Feeling guilt is a common response after the loss, it's because we love and care so much for another. But the truth is, we already did the best we could. We did as much as we humanly could do. Everyone's situation is different and unique and we cannot compare ourselves to others. We can't say "that person did this, they did it better". No, we do what we can with the situation and resources we have and we did our very best. You need to believe that and eventually through the process of grieving, you will come to see that.
It doesn't make it any easier missing the person, but in your heart you will have peace knowing that you were a wonderful husband and care partner is your wife's life. You were able to keep her home for most of those nine years, that is an incredible feat, it really is. Your wife, I am sure, was very grateful for the care you provided to her. What it comes down to if you treat the person with respect, dignity, love, care and are there and present you have done your very, very best. You did this.
I know the grieving feels like it will be endless. I can't say that it goes away, but it softens, it becomes lighter to bear after a long while. No rushing through grieving, it doesn't let you. You will make it, you will. I am sorry you are suffering right now, but it will get a bit easier. It's not something that goes away, it will always be with you, but it will ebb and flow. Blessings to you.
I do not think any advice helps with grieving. The pain is raw and has to be worked through at least to some extent. I feel like I am still married even after almost two years of "widowhood"
I too was very involved with things that kept me close to my husband. Goin through books, one by one looking for notes. A lot of books and a lot of notes. I went through address books and journals. I discovered that he wrote beautifully.
My husbands ashes are in his flight bag and his flight jacket is on his dining room chair. I do not think there will ever be a letting go but I am not as preoccupied now.
Please do not feel guilt. I have learned a lot in the past 23 months that could have made life better but I know that I did my best so only allow myself regret.
time, my friend, will help but the hole? Always going to be there.
Sharing has helped me.