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kroskow
Posted: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 10:05 AM
Joined: 4/20/2013
Posts: 5


My husband was finally referred to a good neurologist who is about 90% certain that we're dealing with Vascular Dementia. Although my DH is now in a skilled nursing home, the doctor feels that he would be ok in AL, so I started making arrangements to move him. He would have more privacy there, still get help with meds and insulin, but have more freedom of movement and an efficiency that we could make more of a home for him. After a state evaluation, the facility refused to take him in their AL unit. They say his interviews, information from staff where he is and a review of his history make him a flight/liability risk. He isn't in memory care now, but wears an ankle alarm devise. The new facility doesn't have that option (few do where we live in Central Florida,) but would give him a private room in the memory care unit. His room would be nicer, but his mobility would be more limited. I don't know what to do and wonder if wanting to move him is more for me than for him? Does anybody else have experience with VD? He gets along well with staff and most of the other patients, particularly a few who have about the same capabilities that he has. He's been there for 2 months but thinks its a week or so, he reverts to saying there's nothing wrong with him and accusing me of not wanting him around, and threatens to walk out. I don't know how to answer him. I don't want to agitate him more, but I don't want to lie to him either. We just spent 2 days in a shelter where his facility was relocated. They made room for family of staff and patients, so I took my 95 year old aunt and our 2 dogs there. Most of the time, DH seemed in very good spirits and much more lucid than he'd been in a while, but since returning to the skilled NH, he's demanding to talk to his doctor and be discharged immediately. Sorry this is so long; I haven't been to a group meeting in a month and needed to vent.
Keep Calm & Carry On
Posted: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 7:36 PM
Joined: 4/2/2013
Posts: 1421


My current experience with my DH has become so complicated that I'm not even sure how to post about it - will probably do so in pieces. But I just wanted you to know that we all care about you and your husband.  

Take care of yourself, too,

Marjie


BFG
Posted: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 7:45 PM
Joined: 5/30/2015
Posts: 194


No advice.  Just sympathy.  Sounds about like me and DH. He is in skilled nursing right now  Thinks he is perfectly able to go home and doesn't know why I put him there and why I am keeping him there.  I told him to talk to the doctor about it and he insists he never sees the doctor.  It is ME that wants him there.  He is also diabetic and they take good care of that and his meds.  And no, right now I am not able to take care of all of that.  He thinks we should get full time help and live at home.  When I told him,  that would be about $20,000 per month.  He says I am lying to him and all we would need is someone to come in once or twice a day.

It goes on and on just like this post.  Bobbie


Keep Calm & Carry On
Posted: Tuesday, September 12, 2017 8:08 PM
Joined: 4/2/2013
Posts: 1421


You know, Bobbie, you're right - I immediately saw that the skilled nursing facility did a much better job than I could with my husband's diabetes care. That kind of good chronic health care is also something to consider as a positive.

 


BFG
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 8:46 AM
Joined: 5/30/2015
Posts: 194


Thank you, keep calm and carry on.  They do a much better job with his medicine than we were doing at home.  He resists taking his rx, and at home it ended up in a fuss and at least at the care center, if he is mad, the nurse can walk out. Bobbie
kroskow
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 10:19 AM
Joined: 4/20/2013
Posts: 5


Wow! DH is also diabetic. He controlled his sugar level for years, but in the last several he would forget to check, travel without his supplies, tell people he wasn't a diabetic anymore, and eat whatever he wanted, as well as alcohol to help him sleep. His levels were so high that his primary refused to refer him to a neurologist. His take was that "your husband is a drunk, who isn't taking care of his diabetes. He's going to kill himself eventually and there's nothing you can do about it." I had to beg this doctor to send DH to a skilled nursing facility the last time he was hospitalized and about to be discharged. When I begged him to at least have some concern for me, since he obviously had none for DH, he relented and recommended "custodial care" until fit to return home. Thank God the staff where DH now resides picked up on his dementia and recommended that he not go home. They have been so much more caring and concerned that his primary doctor was. It is so hard to convince people that a man like my husband has dementia because he can seem quite lucid for a time. It takes observation over a day or so before the dementia becomes obvious. I hear the same rhetoric from DH every day; "you don't love me, you just want me to stay here, there's no reason I can't come home, give me the doctors number and I'll get a discharge, there is nobody here taking care of me, no doctor ever comes in, etc. etc. etc.
kroskow
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 10:26 AM
Joined: 4/20/2013
Posts: 5


I so feel for you in dealing with your DH. My relationship with my husband has always been complicated to the extent that family and friends often ask why I haven't just walked away. Believe me, I have been tempted, but I always knew there was something wrong. Someone who could be so loving and kind, then become so volatile in the blink of an eye, just wasn't normal to me. We've been married for 28 years and been through so many illnesses and diagnoses that it's been a dizzying ride. Please don't bottle up your feelings. I did that for years before I finally started sharing what was going on with a few family and friends. It didn't change the situation, but was such a relief to know somebody knew what I was going through. Take care of yourself and reach out when you need to.
Sayra
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 12:45 PM
Joined: 8/10/2016
Posts: 445


Krispie

I understand what you are saying.


Angel_Wolf
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 1:11 PM
Joined: 7/8/2017
Posts: 109


Dear KrosKow      Is privacy a concern for your LO?  In what way would moving him be beneficial to you?  In what ways would it be "better"?

The placement you have achieved sounds like it works excellently well!  Sounds like they did a fine job during the recent emergency and treated YOU like family (and your dogs!)  You specifically commented on times when LO felt comfortable there.

For the times LO feels like a captive, does the facility make a difference?

One of the best suggestions offered here regularly: remember, as much a humanly possible, exude positivity. 

I have that 'truth telling' hang-up and replies can be a challenge  "I'm sorry you feel that way.  You are with me always in my heart...  Let's talk to the Doctor and see what the medical strategy/situation/decision can tell us...."

No point, that I can discern for trying to dissuade LO from running away...  PWD gonna do what PWD gonna do.... 

I am so grateful for the questions and answers that people bring to these boards!!  The care and affection I feel for us and our families makes me, personally, feel closer to God in an intimate and affirming way.  So, thank you and best wishes for your continued success!   peace-out, Angel

 


kroskow
Posted: Wednesday, September 13, 2017 9:58 PM
Joined: 4/20/2013
Posts: 5


Angel_Wolf, you have no idea how much clarity you've given me with your questions and comments. Privacy is less an issue to DH than to me. He sometimes complains that he'd like room for his lounge chair and a few other things, but moving him to a larger, or private room where he is would accommodate that. And it had not occurred to me that when he is adamant about coming home, being in a different facility won't change his mind. The staff where he is now are good people who genuinely care about him and I trust them to do what is best for him. I think my guilt about not bringing him home was pushing me to "pretty" up the situation so I would feel better, without really impacting him in a beneficial way. Thank you for opening my eyes so I can make the right decisions for the right reasons.


still love her
Posted: Sunday, September 17, 2017 12:16 PM
Joined: 6/5/2016
Posts: 24


I know and have felt every thing you wrote about.
 
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